What We Learned Along the Way (36 page)

“What do you mean you don’t know? If you
don’t know, then what else are you there for?” She moved the stack
of papers from Malikah’s bed and sat down.

“What am I there for?” Malikah repeated in
disbelief. “To get my law degree. To make something of myself. To
be something more than just some man’s wife.”

Malikah’s mother stood up slowly “Oh, I see.
You want to be one of those women—independent, on her own, thinking
she’s too good for a man. I guess the example I’ve set for you
isn’t good enough.” Her mother sounded insulted.

“No, mama, it’s not like that. I just want to
have something to offer other than the ability to make babies. I’ve
spent half my life hoping for a good man, hoping he’ll be handsome,
nice, smart, and rich. I never took one second to see if I could
offer anything similar in return. I just want to know that I’m not
coming into a relationship empty handed.”

“Like me,” her mother added.

“What?” Malikah said as she put her notebook
on the desk, giving up any hope of getting some studying done.

“You don’t want to come into a relationship
empty handed like I did,” her mother repeated.

“What are you talking about? You weren’t
empty handed. You went to college and majored in Sociology. You got
your education. I’m trying to be like you.”

Vivian took a deep breath. “I started
Smithson with the intention of majoring in Sociology. I never
finished.”

Malikah looked at her mother like she was
speaking another language. “What are you talking about? You
graduated the year after I was born. I’ve heard the story a million
times.”

“I would have graduated the year after you
were born, if I didn’t drop out.” She looked down as she spoke.

“Dropped out? Are you serious? Why would you
do that? Why haven’t you told me this before?”

“I went to college thinking I’d find a good
man and have a wonderful life. I met your dad freshman year. Things
were going so well I figured I didn’t need to finish. I had what I
came for, so I quit. I got pregnant shortly after and the rest is
history.”

“Why would you lie to us all these years? I
just don’t get it.”

“Malikah, I was an unmarried, pregnant
college drop out. I’m blessed that things turned out well for me.
So many other women in that same situation go on to lead hard
lives. I didn’t want that for you and Kalimah. I wanted a better
life for you girls, so I didn’t tell you.”

“Unmarried? You weren’t even married when I
was born? Wow, the lies just keep coming.”

“I was married when you were born. I just
wasn’t married when I got pregnant.”

Malikah cocked her head to the side as if the
new view would help her better understand what she was hearing.
“Everyone makes mistakes. I can deal with that, but what bothers me
is that, knowing your own past, you still do so much talking about
everyone else. You talked about Jaime like a dog. Lo and behold,
you were in the same situation. You sound like a hypocrite. You
walk around all high and mighty like you’re better than everyone. I
guess that explains why I never could get a straight answer out of
you and daddy about when you got married.” Malikah expected her
mother to ague back, but she didn’t. She looked defeated. Malikah
had never known her mother to back down. She wasn’t sure how to
respond to that. “Wait, I didn’t mean that,” Malikah said to her
mother, trying to stop her from leaving.

“Mama, just wait,” Malikah pleaded. She
followed her mother down the hall and tried to follow her into her
bedroom, but was stopped by the locked door.

“What’s going on?” her father asked. He
watched the scene from the sofa downstairs.

Malikah approached the balcony railing.
“Daddy, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what, Malikah?”

“About mama, that she dropped out of school
and got pregnant.” Malikah was at the bottom of the stairs now.
David made a face like a magician whose trick had been exposed.

“It was bound to come out sooner or later. I
knew we should have told you girls,” he said in an exhausted
voice.

“I just don’t get why you all wouldn’t tell
us. So all mama’s stories about her college days were lies?”

“No, she really did all that stuff. Well,
most of it. She had a busy freshman year. Your mother and I aren’t
proud of the way we did things. That wasn’t something she wanted to
pass down to you all. We thought long and hard about telling you,
but we didn’t want to send the wrong message, so we chose to hide
it. Don’t be mad at your mother. She meant well. We both did.”

Daddy, I guess I can understand why you
didn’t tell us. Who knows, maybe I would do the same thing in that
situation, but I can’t believe she’s as judgmental as she is. You’d
think a person who has been in that situation would be a lot more
understanding. I feel like she’s been putting on a show for all
these years.”

“It wasn’t a show. It may not have been
completely true, but your mother always had good intentions. We all
know she can be harsh, but it’s only because she wants the best for
you girls.”

The day of Malikah’s first test was nerve
wracking. Before when she took tests, she was never nervous,
because she never expected much. Things were different now. She had
studied, actually tried. So any failure would truly be hers.
“Where’s my pencil? And my backup pencil?” She looked through her
bag, moving books and papers around frantically. She finally
relaxed when she found them in a zipper pocket she rarely used.

“You’re guaranteed an A,” Jaylin said.

“What?” Malikah looked up.

“You got the seat. I sat there every time I
took a test and I always got A’s. The one time I sat somewhere
else, I got a B,” he said, placing a test face down on her
desk.

“That probably had nothing to do with this
seat and everything to do with the fact that you’re a genius,” she
told her teacher.

“We’ll see,” he said as he continued passing
the tests out. Two hours later, Malikah was done. She stood up to
turn her test in and saw that she was the last person in the
classroom.

“I’m sorry,” she told Jaylin as she walked
toward him. “I hope I’m not holding you up.”

“It’s fine. I’ve seen students take the whole
two and a half hours. However long it takes,” he said with a
smile.

“I’m not the best test taker. I kept second
guessing myself.” She looked through her test one last time. “I
just really want to do well.”

“I can see that,” he said politely as he slid
the test from her hands.

“Well, don’t be too tough when you grade
them. See you next week.” Malikah turned to exit the classroom.

“I saw that,” said Aliya, who had been
standing outside the door watching.

“You saw what? And how long have you been
there?”

“Long enough to see that man flirt with you.
Who is he? The teacher’s assistant? He’s cute,” she said, giving
Malikah a little nudge.

“That’s my Ethics teacher, and he was not
flirting with me. How’d you even find me? I thought we were meeting
in the parking lot.”

“I was hot waiting in that car, so I came in.
I asked some people where the class was.” They talked as they
walked to the car. “So, that’s your teacher? He looks young, and
he’s feeling you. I can tell.”

“Yeah, I think he’s in his early thirties.
He’s probably married. That man is not thinking about me, and
honestly, I’m not thinking about him. I just hope he gives me a
good grade on that test.”

“I saw the way he took that test from you. He
didn’t have to caress your hand like that. That man likes you.”

“Whatever.” Malikah rolled her eyes.

“Thanks for doing this,” Aliya said as she
drove. “I appreciate it. Langston and I really need this.”

“I’m sure you do. Everyone could use a
vacation.”

“Well, yeah, but we really need this,” Aliya
said. “Things haven’t been as perfect as everyone thinks.”

“Don’t tell me there’s trouble in
paradise.”

“I wouldn’t say trouble, but let’s just say
we really need this time together.”

“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day when
Aliya and Langston hit a bump.” Malikah was surprised.

“See, that’s part of the problem!” Aliya
protested.

“What?”

“That! The way everyone expects us to be so
perfect. I can’t take the pressure. Sometimes I feel like the whole
world is looking at me. It’s bad enough I have Langston watching
me. I don’t need everyone else.”

“A lot of people are looking at you, but not
in a bad way. We look up to you, Aliya. You’re an inspiration. You
have a beautiful life.” Aliya had so much she wanted to say, but
she said none of it. Instead, they rode in silence. The song on the
radio attempted to break the tension.

“Aunt Malikah!” Harlem screamed as she ran to
give Malikah a hug when she walked into the house. “We’re going to
have so much fun. Look at all these games I got for us.” Harlem
pointed to a two-foot tall stack of board games sitting on the
coffee table.

“Three days with a 5-year-old. You sure
you’re up to this?” Langston asked Malikah as he tried to stuff a
pair of shoes into a bag that was already overstuffed. “We’re only
going for the weekend. What do you have in here?” he turned to ask
his wife.

“A little of this, a little of that,” she
said with a coy smile.

“So, what’s it like to be 5?” Malikah asked
Harlem as they sat on the sofa in the big, empty house.

“It’s so cool! 5 means I’m a big girl. I
wasn’t a big girl when I was 4, but now I’m 5, so I am a big girl.
Soon I’ll be 6 and then I’ll be a really big girl! How old are
you?” Harlem asked, cocking her head to the side.

“23.”

“23?” Harlem repeated in a dramatic voice.
“That’s old like my daddy. He’s 29. My mommy’s 22. That’s pretty
old, too,” she said before she popped a grape into her mouth.
Malikah had never heard Harlem refer to Aliya as her mommy. She was
glad to know Harlem and Aliya were that close.

“Aunt Malikah, how come you and Aunt Nikki
don’t have any kids for me to play with? Could you get some, so I
could play with them? I would like that a lot,” she said
innocently, unaware of certain realities of life. Malikah
laughed.

“It’s not that easy. I can’t just have a
baby. I have to…” she paused, “do a lot of other things first.”

“Like what?” Harlem popped two more grapes
into her mouth and held them in her cheeks for a while before she
chewed.

“Like meet a nice man, get to know him, marry
him, get financially stable, and emotionally stable.” Malikah
couldn’t believe she was discussing this with a 5-year-old.

“You’re gonna get married? Gross! I’ll never
get married, ‘cause I don’t like boys. Donald, this boy at my
school, told me he wants to marry me, so I punched him in his
guts.”

“Donald, huh. How old is he?” Malikah wanted
to know more about the boy that had proposed to her young
niece.

“Four and a half. He’s still a baby.”

“Aww, well you didn’t have to punch him,
Harlem. You could have just told him that you didn’t want to marry
him.”

“I did, but he said he was going to marry me
anyway, because boys and girls have to get married. So, I told him
if boys and girls have to get married, then I’m just going to marry
my daddy. But, is that true? Do I have to get married?” Malikah
wasn’t sure how to answer that question. She wanted to tell her no,
that she didn’t have to get married, but she knew that answer
wouldn’t be well received by everyone. She wasn’t sure what
Langston and Aliya wanted to teach Harlem about being a Muslim
woman, so she didn’t exactly answer.

“That’s a good question. Let’s ask your
parents when they get back, okay?”

“Okay.” Malikah was glad she dodged that
question. She didn’t want to risk sharing a belief with Harlem that
her parents may not agree with.

Harlem was sleep by 9 o’clock. Malikah had no
idea it would be that easy to get her to sleep. She didn’t even
make it halfway through The Lion King. Malikah turned the movie off
and carried the limp child up to her room. She had never been in
Harlem’s room, so she was surprised to see how big and nicely
decorated it was. Except for the junior-sized bed, Malikah thought
the room would fit her perfectly. The peaceful green and calm
yellow color scheme offered the room a relaxing feel. One
day
…
Malikah thought.

After touring all four guest rooms, she
settled on the one with the TV and DVD player in it. Malikah looked
through a collection of movies, but didn’t see any that interested
her. She turned to the bookshelf and ran her finger across the
titles. She stopped on an oversized, leather-bound one with no
title. It was a photo album. Malikah blew off the dust and carried
it over to the bed.

She burst into laughter when she opened the
book and was greeted by an old picture of herself, Aliya, Mariam
and Jaime. They had to be around 12 or 13 years old, because she
and Jaime still had their braces. Aliya was still in her tomboy
stage, which is why she wore a pair of boy’s cargos and a race car
tee. Mariam wore a pair of washed out jeans with patches on the
knees and a blue and red shirt with a bleach stain on the side,
second hand most likely. Things were tough on Mariam’s family back
then.

“I remember this day,” Malikah said to
herself aloud as she studied the picture. It was the summer they
had finally convinced their parents to take them to Splash Town
Water Park. They were the only girls that were fully dressed in the
water. Malikah remembered how heavy her wet clothes felt afterwards
and the squish of the water in her shoes.

The next set of pictures was from Aliya’s
10th birthday party. Aliya’s mom baked a beautiful two-tier cake,
chocolate on top, vanilla on the bottom. Malikah stopped on the
picture of the girls eating. While the other three had two big
pieces of cake on their plates, one of each flavor, Malikah had
none, only a cup of water.