What We Learned Along the Way (15 page)

“And that’s a normal wish for a parent to
have, but why does she have to be so hard on me? I could have
walked in here with a neurosurgeon/rocket scientist and she still
would have found something to complain about. It’s like she doesn’t
like me.”

“Your mother is hard on you, but you know
why, don’t you?” he asked.

“Because I’m not as pretty and skinny as
Kalimah,” she sighed.

“You really don’t know, do you? You’ve seen
old pictures of your mother. She looked just like you. She was
stubborn like you and shy like you. Malikah, she sees a lot of
herself in you and she doesn’t really know how to handle that.”

Malikah didn’t know what to say. She had
never thought about how similar the two of them were. Her mother
came off like a big, mean ogre, but she knew on the inside she was
still a chubby little girl praying for a boy to like her.

“I don’t like him. You’re not marrying him,”
her mother said, making eye contact with no one as she walked into
the kitchen, her silk robe flowing behind her.

Malikah started to fire a response, but her
father grabbed her arm. He shook his head as if to say “Let it go.”
Malikah left the kitchen before her mother could say anything else.
Vivian sat in the seat her daughter left vacant.

“Did you see how that waiter talked to me?
The nerve of that boy. If he thinks he can come in here with some
$5 dollar flowers and expect everything to be OKAY, he’s got
another thing coming.”

“Viv, who do you think you’re talking to? The
girls are gone. This is me, here. I know why you don’t like that
boy. Because he didn’t cower at your feet. You thought you were
going to wave this big house in his face and scare him off. Hey,
the boy stood his ground. I can’t be mad at that.”

“Well, I don’t like him,” she protested.

“You should be happy that she’s interested in
a man that likes her enough to stand up to you. You want her to
marry some weak guy that lets you walk all over him?”

“It’s not even about that. The boy is poor.
Did you see his shoes? Talking about being a personal trainer,
pa-lease!” She waived her hand in the air as if dismissing
someone.

“Okay, if you believe that,” he said. He
could tell his wife wasn’t ready to face the truth.

Jaime knew that Joseph made it a point not to
look too closely at her body, but she couldn’t accept that he
hadn’t noticed. She was six and a half months and it was extremely
obvious. She had picked up some bigger abayas that helped her
camouflage it pretty well for a while, but those days were
over.

She kept waiting for Joseph to start asking
questions and giving her side glances, but he never did. He seemed
completely clueless. She couldn’t wait any longer for him to pick
up on his own. She decided to tell him. Jaime really liked Joseph
and thought he would make a good husband, but she knew he’d call
everything off once he found out the truth. There was no point in
delaying the inevitable. It was her mistake and now she had to deal
with the consequences.

“Joseph,” she said one day after the two of
them finished praying. “I don’t know how you haven’t noticed by
now, but…” She hesitated to finish.

Joseph was still sitting on his prayer rug.
“I know,” he said calmly. Jaime was a little confused. She wasn’t
sure what it was he knew.

“You know what?” she asked slowly.

“I know,” he said, looking up at her belly.
She was stunned. She had no idea he knew. He never acted like
it.

“How long have you known? And why didn’t you
say anything?”

“I’m not blind. I’ve seen your belly growing,
and I’ve heard you on the phone talking to Rashad.”

“Oh, you heard that?” she said. She was
embarrassed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I know you have a lot on your mind. I
figured I’d wait for you to bring it up.”

“Oh, that was nice. Well, I brought it up, so
you don’t have to pretend anymore. It’s been nice spending time
with you. I really wish the circumstances were different.” She
waited for him to leave.

“Are you saying you want me to leave?” he
asked.

“No one wants a pregnant, unmarried woman,
Joseph. And imagine what everyone at the mosque will say. You don’t
want to get caught up in all that. It’s okay. You don’t have to
spare my feelings. We’re going to get through this by ourselves,”
she said, rubbing her belly. At first, the idea of raising a baby
on her own terrified her, but now, nearly seven months into the
pregnancy, she was getting used to the idea.

“I’ve known you for most of my life, and I’ve
always felt that you were a wonderful person, inside and out. This
situation hasn’t changed my opinion. I know I’m not that baby’s
father and who knows who you’ll end up marrying, but if you’ll let
me, I’d like to stay in your life, at least for now.” Joseph had
never sustained eye contact for that long.

Jaime felt the tears welling up. She had
convinced herself that no decent man would want her anymore, and
here was one of the best she had ever met asking for permission to
stay in her life. She fought back the tears while she spoke.

“Joseph, I can’t let you do that. You have
the rest of your life ahead of you. Don’t let me drag you
down.”

“It’s not my job to judge others, but it is
my job to seek out a beautiful, intelligent, Muslim woman that I
can one day have a family with. That’s all I’m trying to do.” He
gave Jaime a few seconds to respond. She said nothing, and he took
that as his answer. He stood up and walked toward the door to let
himself out. Jaime felt horrible. She wanted to be with Joseph, but
she didn’t want to drop all her drama into his perfectly-Islamic
world.

Finding out that Joseph already knew made her
nervous. She wondered who else already knew. Did her parents know,
too? Probably not. They weren’t the type to hold their tongues,
especially on something like this. She missed going to jummah
prayer on Fridays. She went for the first few months, but once she
started showing, she decided against it.

The bigger she got, the more she wanted to
reach out to her parents. Her doctor had told her that the last
trimester was often the most trying time and that family support
was crucial. She recommended relying on family and friends as much
as possible.

Jaime couldn’t turn to any of those people.
She went back and forth with the idea of telling her parents, but
could never work up the nerve.

“Just do it,” she finally told herself. She
needed them more than ever, and she knew they would take it pretty
hard, but they were her parents. They’d have to get over it sooner
or later. The thought of being a single mother was one she had come
to accept, but the thought of being a single mother with no help
from her parents was unthinkable. She had decided to tell them.
When exactly she’d do that was still a mystery, but at least she
was making progress.

Jaime didn’t go out much. She hated the looks
people gave her on the street. Something about her must have
screamed “unwed Muslim mother.” No one ever assumed that her
husband was at work or maybe at home watching the game. They
automatically knew, with one glance, that she had no husband. Or at
least that’s how it felt. Jaime didn’t know how they could tell,
but it probably had something to do with the ashamed look on her
face. Every time she went somewhere, she walked with her head down
and never made eye contact if she could help it.

One day while she was at the store, she saw
another Muslim woman staring at her from across the produce
section. She tried to ignore it, but the woman was staring harder
than usual. Jaime gathered her things and quickly went to another
aisle, but the woman wasn’t far behind. After seeing her in two
other aisles, she knew it was no coincidence. The woman was
following her. She couldn’t take it anymore.

“As salaam alaikum, ma’am, do you need
something?” Jaime asked nicely.

“No, I was just admiring your belly. I just
had a baby myself, three months ago,” the woman said. Jaime
couldn’t believe how small the woman was. She didn’t look like she
had just had a baby. She didn’t look like she had any children,
period. Jaime prayed she looked like that after she delivered.

“Is this your first?” the woman asked,
examining her belly.

“Yes,” Jaime said.

“I could tell. You look nervous. Don’t worry
about it. You’ll be fine. Babies are a lot of work, but it’s
definitely worth it. My husband and I are so happy we got pregnant.
Is your husband here with you?” she asked with a smile. The woman
seemed nice.

“No,” Jaime said with her head down.

“I bet he’s at work, isn’t he? My husband’s
just the same, always at work.” Just then, the woman’s cell phone
rang. She said it was her husband. “Hey baby, I’m at the store.
I’ll be home shortly. Hang on one second,” she said into the phone
as she put it down on top of her basket. She turned back to Jaime.
“I’ve got to go, but if you want, you and your husband can come
over sometime. It’ll be nice,” the woman said. “I have couples over
about once a month. You guys would really enjoy it.”

Jaime regretted approaching the woman. She
wished she had just kept walking. “I would love to join you, but it
would just be me. I’m not married,” Jaime said with a nervous
laugh.

“You’re not? Oh. Well, like I said, I have to
go.” The woman didn’t sound nearly as friendly as she had seconds
before. She quickly slipped the card with her contact information
on it back in her pocket. She turned and pushed her cart down the
aisle and got back on the phone. Jaime couldn’t hear what the woman
was saying, but she could see that she was shaking her head as if
she was disagreeing with something. Jaime didn’t even finish her
shopping. She left her basket in the middle of the aisle and went
home.

Jaime couldn’t believe how rude the woman in
the store had been, but then she thought about all the times she’d
prematurely judged women because of one unfavorable situation or
another. She began to cry. She didn’t like the way it felt and
hated to think that she had caused others to feel the same way. She
was ashamed.

It killed her to talk to her parents on the
phone knowing they didn’t know her secret. Her belly was getting
bigger by the day and she was having a lot of aches and allergic
reactions to foods that had never been a problem before. She wanted
so badly to tell her mother, but she still hadn’t found the right
time.

When exactly is the right time to tell your
incredibly religious parents their unmarried daughter is having a
baby? she thought. Now is as good of a time as any. She finally
decided to go for it while talking to her mother on the phone. She
wanted to do it in person, but she thought the sight of her would
be too much for them.

Her mother didn’t believe her at first.

“Don’t play with your mother like that,
Jaime. I’m too old.”

When she heard her daughter crying, she
didn’t think it was a joke anymore.

“Hello?” Jaime said into the phone. Her
mother didn’t say anything, but she heard a loud crash. It sounded
like she dropped the phone.

“What is this?” her father yelled, picking up
the receiver. She could hear her mother in the background crying.
“What have you done? How could you disgrace us like this?” he
screamed.

“I’m sorry, daddy. I’m so sorry. Please, I’m
sorry.”

“You are not my daughter,” he said in a
callous voice.

“What are you talking about, daddy? I’m still
your daughter! Don’t say that!” Jaime was sobbing hysterically.

“We lost Hayyat and now we’ve lost you. I
can’t believe you did this. You are not my daughter,” he said
before he hung up the phone.

Jaime couldn’t believe what had just
happened. Her parents had practically disowned her. She figured
they needed some time to cool off, so she didn’t try calling back
for another week.

A week later, little had changed. There was
no screaming and yelling, but they still felt the same way. They
didn’t want to see or talk to her. Her father told her to get her
rent money from the baby’s father because, as far as he was
concerned, he didn’t have any more children. She wanted to call
Joseph, but he hadn’t called her, so she figured he had come to his
senses. Jaime was alone with no money, no support and a nearly-born
baby.

Once her parents knew, it didn’t take long
for the news to get out. Along with disowning her, her father
decided to embarrass her by telling the entire mosque. He was
determined not to let their ex-daughter get off easy. A grave sin
deserved a grave punishment. He instructed everyone at the mosque
not to talk to her if they saw her. She was a shame, a disgrace to
the community. Everyone was so surprised. Jaime was the last one
they would have suspected. Everyone was talking about it.

“Can you believe that? It’s always the
perfect, quiet ones you gotta watch out for.”

“I never believed she was that perfect. That
was all an act.”

“Who’s the daddy? Probably one of those
rappers!”

Everyone had something to say about Jaime’s
pregnancy. As holy as most of the members at her mosque pretended
to be, they did just as much gossiping and backbiting as anyone
else, maybe more.

When the news finally trickled down to Aliya
and Malikah, they were surprised, but they were her friends and
couldn’t dare desert her.

“Wow, it’s really out there,” Aliya said when
she and Malikah saw Jaime’s belly for the first time. Jaime barely
recognized Aliya. She had wearing hijab. She hadn’t seen her in one
of those in about five years. She still looked as gorgeous as
ever.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Malikah asked.
“We’re you’re girls. You can tell us anything.”

“I figured Mariam would have told both of
you, and when you all didn’t call me, I assumed you hated me.”