What Happens Tomorrow (13 page)

MY PARENTS WENT home to Seattle a few days ago and I miss them dearly already. But the time had come for them to go. Being together almost twenty-four hours a day in the confines of my small apartment … well, things got a little tense at times. After all, we haven’t spent that kind of time together since after the accident. I think they were expecting me to be the same girl I was when I packed up and moved away. Damaged.

But I’m not her anymore.

I’m not lost.

I’m happy. And I’ve finally started to live again.

Thankfully, I was able to send my mom and dad home knowing I would be all right— better than all right.

I’ve been looking forward to spending some quality time with my boyfriend. It’s funny how quickly you get used to being with someone and then when they’re not around…

I’ve slept alone for the past week while my parents were here. Well, almost alone. Charlie almost takes up as much space on my bed as a full size person. Who knew a small dog could be a bed hog.

Tyler refused to stay over while my parents were here. He wanted my father to respect him, saying that if he had a daughter, he would expect no less from her boyfriend. I sigh at the thought of Tyler holding a baby in his arms.

Tonight I look forward to climbing into bed, the feel of Tyler’s warm skin against mine as he wraps his arms around me. The sound of his heart beating solidifies that he’s here.

And he’s alive.

Protecting me.

Loving me.

I pour myself a coffee and sit down on the couch with my laptop to read the morning news. Without warning, my nine pound ball of fluff barrels towards the door barking his little Yorkie head off. “Shh, little man. People are still sleeping.” A whine escapes his tiny mouth at the exact time there’s a knock at my door.

I’m not expecting anyone. I set my laptop and coffee down on the table and cautiously get up to see who’s at the door. As I slowly open it, I’m rewarded with the most breathtaking man I’ve ever seen. He stands with a larger than life smile that brightens his entire face, and in his arms he holds the most beautiful bouquet of multi-colored carnations.

Love.

“I thought I’d surprise you…surprise,” he playfully says, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on my lips. “Are you surprised? Or were you expecting someone else maybe?” he teases with a cocked eyebrow. As he hands me the beautiful bouquet of flowers, I reach up on my toes, pulling his neck closer towards me with my free arm.

“Come here and kiss me, please. God, I’ve missed you,” I tell him as I kiss him with a fevered passion.

He carefully walks us into the apartment as we lick and suck at each other’s lips. We’re like a couple of horny teenagers. Charlie wants in on the fun, so he proceeds to bounce like Tigger as he tries to get into Tyler’s arms. He missed him too. Breathlessly, I attempt to pull my lips away only my bottom lip is still sucked between his delicious lips.

I feel drunk. It’s only been a week since I’ve felt his familiar lips claim mine and I craved them.

Desperately.

He picks up my fuzzy child, paying him the much needed attention he’s been seeking. I turn and place the flowers on the counter as I look for a vase.

“I—took a couple of days off work. I thought it might be nice to hang out with my girl. Think of it as making up for lost time,” he says with a mischievous grin. “What do you think? I’m not infringing on your plans, am I?”

He wants to know if I’ve missed him.

“Um, hello? Do you even know me? When have I ever had plans during the day?” Sauntering towards me, he wraps his toned arms around my waist and his lips teasingly brush against the tender flesh of my neck, igniting a wave of goosebumps across my entire body. Slowly, tenderly, he licks and sucks his way down the back of my neck, causing my thighs to tremble in anticipation. A shiver of desire escapes my body, but I try to hide it from him. He really doesn’t need to know how desperately my body has been craving his.

“Good,” he says seductively, removing his lips from my flesh. “You’re all mine then.” He hungrily looks me up and down, and the feel of his eyes caressing my skin sends my breath hitching.

“First, I think we should grab a coffee and take Charlie for a walk. Then we can come back here and snuggle up for the afternoon with a movie.” Spinning me playfully around until we’re back to being face to face, he dotingly says, “I want to spend some quality time with my girl. I missed you, Brooke.” Lifting his hand to my face, he palms my cheek, caressing it tenderly as I nuzzle my cheek into the familiar comfort of his warm hand.

Home.

I lift my hand and place it over his, intimately intertwining our fingers as I press my cheek harder into his palm, letting him know how much I love the feel of his hands on me.

“I missed us too. Sounds like you’ve planned the perfect day. I—”

He doesn’t let me finish my sentence as he covers my lips, caressing them with his and I feel his tongue gently brush against mine.

I’ll never get tired of the way he kisses me.

I’VE BEEN THINKING about getting back into the workforce. Volunteer work actually. After the accident, I wasn’t fit to work. Let’s face it, I wasn’t fit to do anything, but I was fortunate that I finally settled with the drunk driver’s insurance company after two agonizing years of battling back and forth. I probably could have held out for more money, but truth be told…well, I wanted it to be over. I wanted to put the past behind me and move on with my life. No amount of money would ever make up for their deaths, but it afforded me the time I needed to help heal my soul.

The Brooke I was five years ago is long gone, but with baby steps the new Brooke is finally starting to emerge and she wants—no, she
needs
to make sure she doesn’t waste the second chance at life she’s been given.

One thing I’ve recently realized is that I need to be around people. Tyler and Jenna have helped me see what I was missing and now I want to give back…to pay it forward.

One particular night which, happened to be the twenty-one month anniversary of the accident, I nearly did it. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed that day. My mom came over to make sure I was okay and I lied, telling her I thought I was coming down with the flu and that I’d call her in the morning. I don’t think she bought it. But she left anyway, telling me to call her if I needed anything. I know she wanted to give me my space.

She has no idea how close to losing me that night she was, and if she ever found out it would destroy her. After she had left, I lay curled in a ball on my bathroom floor and cried for hours. I honestly have no idea where all of the tears came from.

At one point, I decided that I’d had enough.

Enough of being here on my own.

Enough of people whispering about me like I wasn’t there.

I decided to pick myself up off the floor and take something to help me sleep instead, hoping that when I woke I would feel better. But as I shook the container of anti-depressants into my hand, half the bottle spilled out, instead of the one pill I needed. I remember staring at the handful of pills thinking how easy, painless it would be to take them all. But then I wondered what would happen if they didn’t do the job. What if I was stuck in a vegetative state for the rest of my life? That would be worse than my life now, so I emptied the entire bottle of pills into my hand because that would surely do the job. While trying to muster the courage to take the contents in my hand I started to sob.

Sob because of the finality of what I was about to do.

Sob because I missed Matt and Katelin.

Sob because I wanted to be with them.

But then…

Sob because my mom and dad would find my lifeless body and they would never recover.

As I sat on my bed, hand filled with pills, my little guardian angel came to save the day. Frantically licking my face as he had done countless times before, Charlie reminded me that he needed me too. I poured the pills back into the bottle and curled up with him, crying myself to sleep.

That was the first—and last time I ever considered taking my own life.

A couple of months after Matt and Katelin died, my mom dragged my drug induced butt out of bed and off to a support group for parents who had lost a child. There were no support groups for people who had lost a child and a spouse. Guess it wasn’t common.

Go figure.

I’d listen to women and men tell their stories of losing their children, but there was one story that touched me so profoundly that I doubt it will ever leave my heart. Her son was a typical, healthy, twelve year old boy until he was diagnosed with leukaemia. For months, she held a vigil at his bedside as she watched him losing his battle. Nothing she could do would ease his pain, but she was there for him every second of every day. And when the day came that he took his last precious breath in her arms, she mourned the loss of her precious child as any grieving mother would. It’s a club that no one wants to belong to and those of us in the club hope we never have to meet a new member. Her husband had left her years earlier and relinquished all rights to her son, so with his passing she was alone in the world. Like me, her friends all started to disappear one by one.

I remember talking to her at the end of a meeting once. I asked how she had the strength to go on. She was very matter of fact when telling me her son would want her to go on, help people, and that’s exactly what she did. She decided to go back to school to become a counsellor, working with terminally ill children and their families. I often wonder what happened to her and if she was able to find peace by helping others.

The feelings of guilt I’ve harbored because I lived and they died are not nearly as consuming as they used to be which tells me now might be a good time to get out among people again; to find my place in society again.

Tyler suggested I start slow no matter what I do and ease myself in by working a shift or two, at the coffee shop we frequent to see how I would do before jumping into anything too emotional. He also suggested I stay away from customers while carrying hot drinks.

Smart ass.

But I don’t know…

Am I ready?