Wanted - Dead or Alive: A Bad Boy Outlaw Romance (15 page)

“Okay, have a nice day,” she drawls after me, but I’m already halfway out the door.

I walk around the grounds slightly aimlessly, wondering what the fuck I’m doing. At first, I raced outside, but I quickly realized that this was drawing too much attention to myself. I need to act naturally if I’m going to blend in.

Even though I’m trying to act like everybody else, I’m completely ignoring the animals. I haven’t looked at any of them, because they aren’t what I’m here to see.

I pass the lions, the elephants, the giraffes; even the bears can’t get my attention. Each step just makes me feel emptier, more alone. Surrounded by all of these families, knowing that Willa is
one of them
, it just shatters my heart into a million pieces.

Just as I’m about to come to my senses, and give up, I see her. Not Willa, but the child. She’s standing alone by the monkeys, laughing happily as they play. I watch her, mesmerized for a few seconds before I find myself walking over to her. I don’t even mentally question my actions. I already know that it’s a bad idea, but I go ahead with it anyway.

“Cute, aren’t they?” I ask her, internally cringing. What am I doing now? This is madness.

“Yes,” she replies, smiling up at me. “Did you know that a group of monkeys is called a tribe?”

This takes me aback. How the hell does she know that? Has she already learned that in school? I wouldn’t know, I never paid any attention. She’s actually pretty damn smart for a young kid.

“No, I didn’t know that,” I say in a genuine tone.

“Mm-hmm, and not all monkeys eat bananas. Some like nuts.” She’s so pleased with herself that I can’t help but melt a little inside.

“You don’t say.”

She looks so much like Willa, it’s unbelievable. She has the same blonde hair, the same face shape and exactly the same attitude. The only thing that’s different is her eyes; she has dark, chocolaty eyes which only add to her beauty.

She’s so pretty and clever. Willa and Adam are very lucky to have her.

“Where are your Mommy and Daddy?” I ask, wanting to get away before they come back, but the girl doesn’t get a chance to answer me.

A voice gasps from behind me. “
Dexter?
”

I look down at my feet for a few seconds, trying to compose myself before I set my eyes upon her. This will be the first time we’ve spoken in a very long time and I need to keep it together.

“Hello Willa,” I reply, turning to face her.

I
think
my body has gone into shock. It’s really him. It’s really Dexter standing in front of me. I don’t even feel like I’m here right now, and this is nothing like the mirage from before. This is real. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to.

“Oh my…” I slap my hand over my mouth as our eyes connect.

The way that he looks at me sends shivers racing right through me. My emotions fly about everywhere, as do random thoughts in my mind. I just can’t believe that this is really happening. I want to hug him, to hold him in my arms to know that he’s real for sure, but for some reason that action feels inappropriate. Something is holding me back.

“Dexter,” I gasp again. “How are you? Where have you been? What…”

Tears start to trickle down my cheek. I can’t even finish my sentence.

Despite my blatant show of emotion, Dexter’s expression remains completely stoic. “I’m good. How are you? Life going well for you?”

“Um…” His sarcastic tone throws me off a little. “Yeah…yeah I guess so. How about you?”

“Can’t complain.” His tone is cold, his body language distant.

I try to reel myself in a little. I don’t want to get overly emotional in front of a man who clearly still doesn’t want me.

I turn to a bland, safe topic. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s a zoo. I can be here, can’t I?”

Why is he being so weird?

“Are you enjoying your
family
outing?” He continues, beginning to sound nasty. “Where
is
Adam, anyway?”

“He got called away on business.”

Suddenly it hits me.
Family
. He thinks that I’m with Adam now. That we’re a couple. He has no idea that I’ve spent all of these last few years pining after him.

“It isn’t like that…”

“I’m sure.” He jumps in, completely cutting me off.

“Mommy?” Ellie Rose draws us out from our bizarre standoff. “I was just telling this man about the monkeys.”

“Were you, sweetie?” Oh God, she’s already met her father before I’ve had the chance to introduce them properly. This is just too damn much.

“Yes, and he thinks that Adam is my Daddy.”

What?
How the hell do I smooth this one over?

“But he isn’t.” She turns back to Dexter. “My Daddy is a brave man who had to go away to protect his family. Even though I haven’t met my Daddy, I still love him. Mommy said that everything he does is for me.”

She muses for a second. “
His
name is Dexter too, isn’t it, Mommy?”

Dexter’s eyes snap towards me as if he’s asking
is it true?
I nod, the tears really pouring down my face now. I never planned to tell him in this way, but it’s too late, the truth is out there now.

I watch him grip his chest tightly, as if he doesn’t even know what to think about all of this. But he looks happy—over the moon, actually.

I let out a sigh of relief. He could have turned and fled at this revelation. Becoming a father is a massive responsibility, after all.

“Are
you
my Daddy, Dexter?” Ellie Rose asks, clearly more perceptive than I’ve ever given her credit for.

“Y…yes.” He grins, wrapping her into a massive hug as she reaches out to him. “Yes, I’m your Daddy.”

Father and daughter, in each other’s arms—a sight I never thought I’d get to see. My heart constricts and flutters with it all. I try to keep it all in, but there are too many feelings. Some of them are spilling out, and I can’t control it.

“…and I’ll never leave you again, sweetheart…” I hear him mumbling into her ear.

Does that mean…?
No, I can’t get carried away yet again. I’ll only end up heartbroken once more. He might just mean that he wants to remain a constant figure in her life. It may have nothing to do with me.

“Let me just speak to your Mommy a minute,” Dex finally says, setting her down. “You go and have another look at those monkeys.”

She rushes off as he rises to his feet, gazing into my eyes the entire time. They’re wet with tears, which sends my emotions wild. “I didn’t know. I never would’ve…”

“I know,” I reply. I don’t want him to blame himself. There was no way that he could have known.

“I’m just…I’m so sorry Willa. I never wanted to leave you. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed out on…”

I nod, my lips in a thin line so I don’t scream with sobs.

“I had to go, to keep you all safe,” he continues.

“I know,” I finally blurt out, relieved that this was the reason. “I think a part of me always knew. I just figured that I should harden myself by convincing myself that you’d left me. Stupid really.”

I giggle pointlessly.

“No, I get it.” Dexter nods seriously, as if he really does.

We stare at each other, smiling and crying all at once, like a pair of crazy teenagers in love.
Are we still in love? Is that still a possibility?

“Do you want to come back to my apartment?” I finally ask, finding the zoo too constricting now. “We can have a proper catch-up there. There’s so much we both have to tell each other.”

Dexter nods thoughtfully. “I do. I also want to see your sister. I feel like I owe your whole family an explanation.”

I bite down on my lip, smiling at that thought. “Yeah, you’re gonna get one hell of an ass-kicking from her! Actually, it might be best to go now while she’s too pregnant to fight you. Gives you a fair chance.”

“I’d like that.” Dexter grins. “I’m gonna tell you everything, Willa, I don’t want you to not know anything about me anymore. No more secrets. I’ve had some skeletons in my closet, but I’m starting to deal with them now, I’m starting to become a proper, well rounded person…one that might, one day be good enough for you.”

Is that what he thinks? That he isn’t good enough for me?

“That sounds wonderful, but before we do any of that, can I finally give you a hug?”

He wraps me up in his arms and squeezes me tight like he never wants to let me go again. Then, I don’t know who makes the first move, but soon we’re kissing each other as if we’ll never be able to be apart again.

“
W
hat I don’t understand is
why you didn’t just tell me!” I say, louder than I intended to.

Dex has been trying to explain everything to me in a way that I’ll understand, but it’s hard. He told me that he was a bad guy back at home, that he beat people up for a living, and one day he went too far because he discovered some child pornography at the home of one of his boss’ clients. That’s when the murder that he
did
commit occurred.

I gripped his hand tightly as he told me that. It was clearly extremely difficult for him, but he knew that getting it off his chest would bring us closer together…and I really think it has already. I understand him more, I get where his life has been, and I know why he’s turned out the way that he has.

Unfortunately, that was actually the easy part of the conversation. This is the challenging bit. We’re discussing
why
he left when he did, and why he couldn’t just tell me what he was doing.

“It was Adam’s rule,” Dexter snaps back, tugging on the ends of his hair, clearly frustrated with me.

“Fuck Adam, you could have just told me. I wouldn’t have told anyone. I would have acted like I didn’t know.”

We’re both highly strung, really emotional, and trying to work through all of our crap. In the deepest part of my psyche, I’d always imagined that if we were to have a reunion, it would be wonderful, romantic and picture-perfect.

But this is real life, and things don’t always work like that.

Luckily, Ellie Rose is playing in her bedroom, so we can have this fight in peace. I’d hate for her to see all of this, especially when she’s only just gotten her father back. However necessary this is, there’s no way to explain it to a child.

“Willa, I didn’t want to put you in danger. I also didn’t want to worry you. This wasn’t easy for me either.”

“At least I didn’t abandon you. At least you knew that I loved you. At least you knew where I was!” I’m yelling now and throwing my hands in the air. I don’t want to be this way, but I can’t help it.

“You don’t think it sucked for me, being so near to you, but unable to even
see
you? It was horrendous. I almost took my life down a really shitty path again, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to make things better for you, for the both of us.”

“That meant you couldn’t even leave a note? I was broken without you. You tore my heart to shreds!”

I know that going over the past might not be helpful at this particular moment, but I also know that it’ll all just fester if we don’t get it out in the open.

Some of these things just need to be said.

“Why the hell are we fighting about this, Willa?” he begs, moving nearer to me and placing his palms on my waist.

“Because we have to! Because if we don’t get it out now, it’ll just come back to haunt us.” I pout, feeling moody and a little silly, but still carrying on. “I cannot tell you how hard the last few years have been, Dex. There were so many times that I needed you, that I would have given
anything
to just see you, or even know that you were alive.”

He dips his head closer to me, resting his forehead on mine. I refuse to make eye contact because I need to say these next humiliating words out loud, and if he’s looking right at me, then I might not be able to get through it.

“I thought I wasn’t good enough for you, that I wasn’t sexy enough. I thought you left me because you preferred the company of other women. My self-confidence crashed when you went, and it’s taken a very long time for me to rebuild it. I just…I don’t want even the
chance
of you leaving again. Especially because it isn’t just my heart that you’ll break now. If you’re going to go, I’d rather you do it now before I can fall too deep again.”

He puts a finger under my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his. I’m on the verge of tears, and by the looks of things he is too.

“I’m so sorry Willa. I never wanted that. I never wanted any of it, I just wanted to keep you out of all of my rubbish. I thought I was doing the right thing. I had it in my head that if I told you anything, you’d come looking for me…”

“I would have!” I interject, smiling weakly.

“…but you were on my mind, always. The entire time. I didn’t even look at another woman. I couldn’t have, after you. You shook up my entire world and switched everything around. I no longer wanted to be anything other than the right man for you. You are
more
than good enough for me. You’re a rare beauty, and I would never do anything to mess things up with you again. You’re so gorgeous that when I’m with you, the entire world shrinks to just me and you. And I would
never
do anything to hurt Ellie Rose. I know how awful my vanishing would be for her. She might forgive me for doing it once, but I’d never get away with it again.”

Suddenly he looks to the ground, as if he now has something difficult to say.

“That’s why it hurt so much when I saw you with Adam. I thought I’d spent all of these years pining after you like a fool, and you’d moved on. I thought you were married with a child.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking at his clearly hurt face. “It would have crushed me to see you with someone else too, even if it was only innocent. Adam looked after us, he dragged me out of a penniless hell and gave me a place to live and put food on the table. I repaid him for every penny by working it off—not in the way that you did—but I wouldn’t have survived if it wasn’t for him. Ellie Rose and I would have been in one hell of a mess. I have a lot to thank him for, but he
is
only a friend, and always has been.”

“If he kept you both alive, whilst keeping me out of jail, then I guess I have a lot to thank him for too.”

I place a gentle kiss on his lips, ending the argument in the sweetest way possible.

“There’s no point in saying
‘let’s just focus on the future now’
, because chances are the past will rear its ugly head from time to time. How about we just promise each other that we won’t let it tear us apart, that we’ll always be honest, and we’ll always work through our problems together?”

“I like that idea, baby girl.” Dexter grins and kisses me once more.

An odd stirring starts to form in my belly, and I instantly recognize it, even if I haven’t felt it for a while. I’m horny, turned on as hell, and I want Dexter right here and now.

I trail my fingers down his muscular chest, tracing his abs on the way down, and I start to make my way towards the cock that I’ve spent years and years missing…

“Wait!” Dexter says, grabbing my hand and pulling it away. “Not yet.”

A cold sense of shame starts to creep through me, icing up all of my veins. Has he not missed me as much as I’ve missed him?

Dexter spots my expression and quickly tries to reassure me. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I’ve missed the hell out of my dirty girl, but I want to do things right this time. I don’t want a quickie in the front room, with the risk of Ellie Rose catching us at any moment. I want to wine you and dine you, take you out for a date. I want to make you feel like the most special woman on the planet, because that’s what you deserve. But before all of that, I want to clear the air with your family. I want the path to be clear before we start our journey towards the future.”

As much as I’m disappointed, his words touch me. He really has changed and he wants to prove it to all of us. I’d love to get down to it right now, to make up for all the lost time, but going out on a date and behaving like a normal couple…well, that sounds nice too.

“Okay,” I say, nodding. “Let’s do it your way then. Let’s go and see Nicolette now.”

“Now?” he gasps, mock panicking. “I don’t think I’m ready for her to kill me yet.”

“Tough,” I reply, grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards the door. “If I have to wait too much longer, I might explode from sexual frustration.”

“Dirty girl.” He grins once more, rubbing his nose against mine. “Trust me, the wait will be worth it!”

“Come on, Ellie Rose,” I yell up the stairs. “Time to go and see your auntie!”