Wanted - Dead or Alive: A Bad Boy Outlaw Romance (14 page)

“
A
re
you sure I can’t tempt you to stay?”

Adam’s words swirl round and round in my mind. Did he really think that I would want to remain in the shitty life of crime for a second long than I had to? Maybe he thought that all this time stuck in the thick of it would have been long enough to tempt me back into all of my old ways. Well, it wasn’t. I’m nowhere near back to the man that I once was, nor would I ever want to be.

“I’ll pay you, better than you’ve ever been paid before!”

Does he not realize that the shiny prize I’ve been aiming towards is worth so much more than anything else? Certainly much more than any money. He could offer me millions of dollars and I’d still turn him down.

I finally finished my last contract a week and a half ago and handed over responsibility to his next schmuck. Now I’m free, finally free. Adam tried to persuade me to stay, and he offered me all sorts of material gains, but I wasn’t even slightly interested.

“Maybe just some temporary contracts, then?”

These were his last words to me, just as I was walking out the door. I said nothing and just slammed it behind me. I didn’t agree to it, but I didn’t shut him down either. I’m not really sure why; maybe just to keep my options wide open.

Just in case…

As much as I wanted to rush straight to Willa’s side the second I could, I knew that wasn’t possible. I needed a few days to clean myself up, sort myself out and get my life in order. My hair is now cut in a respectable style, my face is fuzz-free and I’m dressed much more nicely than I ever have been before. I’m a clean, regular guy who can finally be seen in public. After hiding in the shadows and the underground for so long, it’s oddly liberating to be able to blend in with the everyday normal people.

On top of that, I’ve been practicing sobriety. I knew that my drinking was spiraling out of control, so about a year and a half ago, I started to wean myself off it slowly. I could sense that the end of my crappy life was drawing ever nearer, and I didn’t want alcoholism to be the way it happened. I certainly didn’t want to end up in a gutter, or some shitty rehab facility, keeping me away from Willa even longer than I had to be. I wanted my real life to begin as soon as it possibly could.

I’ve even gone and gotten myself a super sweet home of my own. I never thought that I’d be a home owner, to be honest. It was my first ever proper adult purchase, and I wanted to do it before going back to Willa. I want her to see how much I’ve changed; I want her to see how much I’ve worked towards our future. Instead of frittering away the money that I made from betting, I saved it all with her in mind.

And now I’m ready to go and find her, I’m ready for our lives to start. I’m the man that Willa deserves at long last. I’ve become a solid rock that she can rely on, a bodyguard that can protect her, the man that can provide for her. Now, I just need to
see
her. I need to find her.

The only trouble is I have no idea where she is.

I’ve spent a bit of time loitering just out of sight around Nicolette’s apartment, waiting to get a glimpse of the woman that I love. I know that I should just summon up the courage to knock on the door and ask, but I haven’t quite worked up to that yet. I know that even if Willa has forgiven me for abandoning her in such a cold, callous way, Nicolette won’t have, and she’s the type of woman that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of. She’s scary, and I want to gauge where Willa is in her life before facing that wrath. That may be the cowardly choice, but I wouldn’t put it past her sister to resort to physical violence, which I’d probably deserve after the heartbreak I undoubtedly caused.

I know, what the hell happened to the arrogant son of a bitch that I once was, right? The old me would have stormed over there, hammered down the door and simply demanded answers. I couldn’t do that now. I wouldn’t want to bulldoze in, hurting other people in the process. I actually take the feelings of others into consideration now.

Huh, I guess I’ve grown up. Who would have thought it?

Yesterday, I caught a sighting of Nicolette and Lucas. But no Willa, not yet. I guess she doesn’t live there anymore; there mustn’t be any room. I don’t know why I just assumed that she wouldn’t have left in all these years. After all, I knew Nicolette was expecting. Now they have a young boy, and it looks like another is on the way.

No, I was wrong to assume that she would have put her life on hold, waiting for me. She didn’t even know that I was ever planning on coming back.

If she’s moved out of Nicolette’s place, what else has she changed?
Shit, she might not even be in the city anymore. I never considered any of these obstacles when I was daydreaming about our reunion, and now all sorts of possibilities flood through my mind.

What if she’s left the country? What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she’s married?

Oh, please god, don’t let her be married.

I turn back to head home, giving up after another long day of not seeing her. How long am I going to keep this up before I accept that it’s never going to happen? Stupid question, I guess…it’s like asking how much she means to me.

I’ve always regretted the way that I deserted her. Now that I can tell her everything, I need to see her, and I don’t know where she is. It’s so frustrating. I always thought that things would be easy once I’d made the choice to go and find her, and this is turning out to be the hardest damn part.

As I near my home, I spot a familiar figure at the end of my road and my heart sinks.
Adam
. The last person I wanted to see. I don’t need another conversation with him right now; I’m not in the mood. Now that things aren’t going exactly as I planned, it’ll be a little harder to fight off his coercion. He has a very persuasive nature about him, and that’s why he’s been so successful in business.

Rich, smarmy prick.

I decide to keep my head down and walk in the shadows to avoid him at all costs. Now that I can blend into the background, I intend to use that to my advantage. I’ll be inside soon enough, there’s no way he can speak to me then…

Who’s that?
I can’t help but wonder. I only glance up to check that he isn’t looking in my direction, but I’m quickly distracted by the woman that has him so captivated. It’s clear from his facial expression that he worships this woman.

A morbid curiosity floods through me. I’ve never actually seen Adam with a woman in the daytime. He’s always been more of a late-night hookup type of guy, but come to think of it, I haven’t seen him do that for a very long time.

I move forward to be nosy, forgetting my plan to get inside as quickly as possible. I can’t help but become increasingly intrigued by the sort of woman who could finally change the famous Adam’s vampirish dating ways. She must be something special, and I need to see why with my own eyes.

I discreetly move around them until I can get a good view of her. At first she’s only side on so I can’t really see her, but then she laughs loudly and flicks her hair over her shoulder. That’s when I get a glimpse of her face, front on. She may look a little different to the last time I saw her—after all, she’s twenty-four years old now—but there’s no mistaking those piercing baby blue eyes. I’d recognize them absolutely anywhere.

“Oh, fuck,” I whisper, feeling myself die a little inside. “Adam and Willa.”

I was not expecting my reunion with Willa to begin like this. Deep down, I knew there was the possibility that she would have moved on, but I never really felt it. And certainly not with
him
. Why did she have to end up with Adam of all people?

Why not?

My evil mind whispers to me.
You left her, abandoned her without an explanation. Doesn’t she deserve someone like him?
After all,
Adam is affluent, powerful, and surprisingly stable for a mob boss…why
wouldn’t
Willa want him? Why shouldn’t she be with someone like that?

My heart twists and turns in painful knots, sinking down into the pit of my stomach. All of the loneliness I’ve felt over the past few years comes crashing down around me; all of the long, painful nights fill me up once more. I’m nothing, no one. It’s as if I’m not even here anymore. My once bright future is now like an endless, black expanse of sea, agonizingly stretching out in front of me. I’m floating around with no anchor to hold me in place.

“Oh, fuck,” I say once more.

I need to stop watching this scene unfolding in front of me. I need to get somewhere private so I can fall apart in peace. If I remain out here, I might just collapse to the ground and never get up.

Yet, somehow I can’t move. For some reason, my eyes remain firmly fixed on them and only them. It’s as if the entire world has shrunk to what I can see in front of me.

I just…I have no idea what to do now. I had it all planned out, and now I’m left with nothing. Willa was my future. She’s the person that I’ve been doing all of this for. What’s left for me now?

“Mommy!”

A young girl’s voice calls out, somehow catching my attention.

“Look what I have!”

I’m stunned to see the child race over to Willa, who lifts her up and swings her round in her arms.

I gasp heavily as I watch them talking quietly to each other. This is worse than I could have ever imagined. The expanse of sea that I’m in starts to drag me under, drowning me. I feel like I’m frantically kicking my legs, thrashing about, trying to escape, but the water wants me dead. It wants to kill me.

Mommy?

That girl called Willa
mommy
, which means that not only has she moved on, she has a child; a family of her own. She and Adam have this whole life together. A relationship, a daughter, probably even a marriage.

And I’m not a part of any of it.

Now the couple of nights that we spent together seem unbearably insignificant. She probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. She probably barely remembers who I am.

I’ve been a pathetic fool. Why would someone like her have ever wanted me? Even if I’d stayed, she would have eventually wised up and left me. She was always much too good for me. Even now, after all of the changes I’ve made, I’m still not.

Why didn’t Adam tell me?

I suppose he didn’t owe me an explanation. We’ve never been friends. There’s certainly no bro code between us. Plus, I never expressed my feelings for Willa to him, so maybe he thought she didn’t really mean anything to me. Or more likely he didn’t want me to lose my shit while I was working for him. If that’s the case, then he’s done well. Now I’ve found out of my own accord and it doesn’t affect our agreement one bit.

“Fucker,” I bite out, my heart racing with the injustice of it all. He took me away from her so he could claim her for his own. All the bullshit he gave me about
her innocence
and
wanting to keep her out of it
—it was all lies. “You fucking prick.”

Luckily I’m still not talking loudly enough for any of them to hear. If Adam were to say anything to me now, I might just snap and hit him. But I can’t do that, I’ve worked too damn hard to become a better person, and even though my sole reason for doing that has vanished, I still want to keep it up.

I just need to get away. I need to lock myself away from the world while I recover and develop a new life plan. There has to be something else out there for me…surely.

Come on, Dex. Move. Leave, go now before they see you!
Even though I know that reunion would be awful, and I’d do absolutely anything to avoid it, my legs remain frozen. My body won’t obey any of my brain’s commands, and it’s driving me insane.

After a few moments, Willa, Adam and the child make things easier for me by turning around and walking off. This should be the end of it, except for the fact that my body has taken on a life of its own, and it’s made the extremely unwise, irrational decision that it wants to follow them.

Why am I torturing myself?
I already know enough, I don’t need details. I don’t need to know about their happy lives together; there’s no way that’s going to make me feel any better.

Although I can’t imagine it’s possible to feel any shittier than I do right now.

As we all walk, I watch them interacting with each other. I’m too far away to hear any of the things they’re talking about, but it’s clear from their body language that they’re relaxed and happy together. Willa is herself in Adam’s company, and that’s enough to convince me that he must be good for her. He must give her everything that she needs. I have to be happy about that, surely?

Do I love Willa enough to let her go?
Even if I didn’t, it doesn’t look like I have any choice.

Deep down, Adam is a good guy. Just because I don’t like him doesn’t make him a bad person. He
did
help us out of that sticky situation when he didn’t have to. He might not be who I would pick out for Willa, but she’s smart enough to make her own decisions. If she can’t be with me, then I guess I should at least be content in the knowledge that she’s with someone who clearly adores her and can take care of her.

I try to make myself feel happy about that, but I don’t. That’s gonna take some time.

Rather than heading to their marital home, like I was expecting, they end up at the zoo. A nice, family daytrip.

“Okay,” I say to myself. “Time to go home.”

Except I don’t. I go in too.

What the fuck are you up to, Dexter?

“One ticket, please,” I say to the receptionist gruffly, trying to keep my embarrassment to myself. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m sure that I look like a crazy fool.

Luckily, she completely takes my weirdness in her stride. “Would you like a map of the zoo grounds?” she asks.

She grins at me with a twinkle in her eye. I wonder if she’s hitting on me, but I also realize that I don’t care. I haven’t cared about another woman flirting with me for a very long time.

“No, no thanks.” I just want to get inside as quickly as possible, to see what I can discover. This is all just time-wasting.