Wanted - Dead or Alive: A Bad Boy Outlaw Romance (13 page)

T
hree years
later

T
he years have passed
in a haze of nappies and breastfeeding, potty training and sleepless nights. Three years ago, my gorgeous little girl, Ellie Rose, was born into a life where her mother—sort of—had it together.

I have a lovely apartment, a few streets away from Nicolette, so we’ve managed to remain close. There have been ups and downs, because our reunion was so surrounded by drama that old wounds have occasionally reopened, and we’ve had to deal with that as it happens.

Now, it’s all out in the open and we’re closer than ever. We’re best friends as well as sisters. Plus, we’re both mothers and our children are our priority now.

“So, how long have you been single?” asks the stereotypical tall, dark and handsome man who’s sitting across the dinner table from me.

“Umm…” That’s a hard question, and I don’t know how to answer it in the simplest way possible. “I guess since before my daughter was born.”

“Oh, you’re a mother?” He sounds a little confused.

“Yes, didn’t Nicolette tell you?”

My sister has been trying to set me up forever. This is the first date that I’ve agreed to; partly to get her off my back, and partly because I suppose it really
is
time to start moving on. After all, three years was a long time.

“Maybe…I can’t remember.”

Jay works with Nicolette at the PR firm—she’s already used her charisma to work her way up to being a manager there—and he’s all right in the generic
every woman’s dream
sort of way. But I just find him kind of…boring.

“So, do you like where you work?” I ask lamely, wanting to change the subject.

“Oh yes!” He launches into an animated speech about public relations, nearly boring me to tears. He must be a workaholic. I have nothing wrong with a strong work ethic—after all, I have one myself—but that’s the only topic Jay has gotten excited about. I may love my job as Adam’s part-time PA, but I’d never get so thrilled about talking about it.

What the hell was Nicolette thinking?

Actually, I know exactly what she was thinking—he’s the complete opposite to Dexter and that’s all she wants for me in the world. I don’t think she could cope seeing me fall apart so horribly again.

A waiter approaches the table. “Are either of you interested in looking at our dessert meno?”

Oh, God no.

“No, thank you. I really must be heading home.”

“Yeah?” Jay’s eyebrows shoot up. I thought he’d be more put out by my rejection, but clearly he isn’t feeling it either. “Okay then, just the bill please.”

He grins at me and quickly throws over his platinum card to pay for our meal. I wonder if his obvious affluence is supposed to impress me. It doesn’t. I’ve never been the type of girl to be impressed by money and material possessions.

To Jay’s credit, he acts like a perfect gentleman as we leave the restaurant, pulling out my chair, putting on my coat, and opening the door. I’m sure it’s lovely, I just find it a bit suffocating.

“Okay, well…goodnight.”

As I turn to face him to say goodbye, he lunges at me, kissing me hard and forcing his tongue into my mouth.

“Woah! Wait.” I push him off, thunderstruck. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I thought that we were going back to yours.”

“No,
I’m
going back to mine.”

“Oh, right.” His body language becomes cold, his tone sarcastic. “I see, you get a free meal out of me, and then you just fuck off, leaving me with nothing.”

His sudden change in personality completely throws me. Is he serious?

“You expected
sex
? On the first date? What sort of women do you normally go out with?”

“The ones who give me what I’m owed.”

“Ugh, you pig.”

He doesn’t take this well. He pounces on me, pushing me back against a wall.

“You think you’re so fucking hot that you can just get away with this shit? You get
all
your meals that way?”

There’s no point in explaining to this guy that he’s the first date that I’ve been on in years. His mind is already made up about me.

“Sluts like you make me feel sick,” he spits out.

I struggle beneath him, but he’s pretty strong.

“Get the fuck off me!” I say. “You’re disgusting.”

I’ve made a scene now, so he backs off a bit, throwing me an awful look before stalking off in a temper. My god, what a spoiled, sleazy brat!

I make the long walk home with tears in my eyes. Tonight wasn’t supposed to go this way. It was supposed to be the start of a bright new future for me. Yet here I am, still a mess, still not wanting to admit that my love for Dexter will always overshadow what anyone else can offer me.

Why do I still have to love the man who left me?

Eventually I arrive home to my apartment, where I quickly relieve the babysitter, carefully avoiding all of her friendly questions about the date. Then I go and do what I do every other night. I go and sit by my daughter’s bed, just watching her sleep, admiring how much she looks like her father.

A
fter a while
, my eyes become heavy-lidded and I head back to my own bedroom. I can’t help but feel a little frustrated at how badly the night went. I really wanted the date to go well—its not like I expected to marry the guy, but I did want to have a simple, pleasant evening. It’s the first step I’ve taken towards moving on, and it went so damn wrong.

I guess I’m just really disappointed. Nicolette has spent a lot of time trying to convince me that there
are
good guys out there, but she’s just been proven so, so wrong.

As my brain flickers in and out of sleep, I start to imagine myself in the same situation as I was in on the date, but Jay has vanished and Dexter is sitting in his place across the table.

“Hello, dirty girl.” He grins widely at me. “Missed me?”

I drink in his shaggy, unkempt appearance, annoyed that my heart leaps about ten feet into the air. He looks exactly as he did that night in the bar; the first night we met. He’s wearing the same hoodie, the same t-shirt, and he even has the same stubble plastered across the lower half of his face.

Why does my body have to react so fiercely to him, even after all this time?

“Where the fuck have you been?” I snap. Even the imaginary version of myself is angry at him. It might be wonderful to see him again, but the negative emotions are still there, swimming around inside of me.

“That doesn’t matter,” he teasingly replies, rubbing his palm along my cheek. “What matters is that I’m here now.”

“No, I…” I start to argue, but he leaps across the dining table, knocking our food to the floor before kissing me hard.

“Dexter…” I try to protest, but he carries on.

Fiery passion sweeps through my body. I’ve missed this, missed him so much, and I can’t deny it any longer.

I feel my fingers sliding down into my underwear while I continue this fantasy in my mind. I know it’s wrong, I know I should be moving on and masturbating over someone new, but the fact that it’s forbidden is what makes it so deliciously exciting.

I start to feel myself, experimenting and plunging a finger inside of myself. I’m so wet already, dripping at the mere thought of him. Then I push in another finger, and another. I try to imitate the way that Dexter touched me, to make it feel that much more realistic.

“Fuck me Dexter,” I beg, firmly back in my torrid fantasy world.

“In front of all these people?” he asks, laughing. It’s clear from his thick erection that he likes that idea.

He pulls me up onto the table, leaving my legs dangling down over the sides. Then he stands over me, watching me, running his fingers up my thighs. I feel powerless, like he could consume me at any given moment. But that’s what I want… for him to swallow me whole.

I gently rub over and around my clit with one hand, whilst stroking my breasts and nipples with the other. I’m gasping with sheer joy, more turned on than I have been in a very long time.

Since the last time I saw him, actually.

He pulls me closer to him, releasing his full, throbbing cock for me to see. I lean up onto my elbows to get a better look as he pushes my fancy dress aside and plunges into me. I watch him slowly move in and out, just teasing me over and over again. It’s like having a like porn film playing in front of me, except we’re the ones acting in it.

The waves of passion are already building, already pulsating. I have to bury my face into my pillow to stop myself from screaming out loud.

He fucks me hard, pulling me closer to him with every thrust. Then he bends down, ripping the top of my dress so he can wrap his lips around my nipple.

I concentrate on playing with my stiff nipples, pretending that his mouth is around them, sucking and licking. I’m focusing so hard on my imagination that it almost feels real.

“Fuck, dirty girl,” he mumbles, his breath cold against my flushed skin. “You feel better than I remember.”

He moves harder and faster, and all the while I’m losing control beneath him. The bliss is there already. It starts at my center and begins to spread all over my body until I’m encased in its warm, intoxicating glow.

“Oh, fuck, Dexter, no one can make me come like you do!” I cry out as I crash and fall beneath him…

And then the image is gone, and I’m alone once more.

I sob hard at the memory of what we once were, what we could have been, of what we’ll never have again. I’ve been trying to push him to the back of my mind, to really forget him and move on with the future, but this horrible experience has brought it all flooding back. I really won’t ever get someone like him ever again, and that breaks my damn heart.

I weep for what will never be until I fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that my heart will never be whole again.

A
s I stand
by myself at the school gates, waiting for my beautiful little girl to finish for the day, I find myself thinking about how quickly time has flown by. She’s six years old now…six! It’s madness. How did that happen? It feels like only yesterday that I was bringing her home from the hospital.

Considering the situation I was in when I found out that I was pregnant, she’s actually doing really well for herself. We both are. We’re both content, happy and well provided for. On top of that, Ellie Rose is an extremely articulate, academic young lady, and she astounds me every single day. She’s already much smarter than I am, and she has many more years of learning ahead of her.

I have Adam to thank for the way that things have turned out.

I may have been uneasy with our agreement at first, but it really did save my life. I would have ended up in a gutter if it hadn’t been for him. There was no way I could have stayed with my sister indefinitely—even though I’m sure she would have had me—so I saw myself with no other option. Looking back, it wasn’t really that, though. I simply picked the choice of a positive future for me and my child, rather than an endlessly difficult one. Having all of that stress out of the way meant that I could concentrate on her.

I’ve repaid Adam for everything now, though, and I was very clear that I intended to do that from the start. I couldn’t have lived comfortably without having that plan at the back of my mind. I would have always considered myself a gold digger of sorts. As soon as I could, I started my job as I promised and I worked for reduced pay for a very long time, until I was satisfied that we were square. Adam didn’t want to do it that way, but I absolutely insisted.

These days, I’ve eased up on the personal assistant duties, and I’m now a secretary for one of his newer ventures—a very successful hair salon. It feels much more stable as a job because the hours are structured, and it keeps me away from Adam’s clutches.

Don’t get me wrong, I really do appreciate him, but we will never be more than friends. He’s tried to take things further a couple of times; nothing inappropriate, but enough for me to need to take that step back. He seems to understand, and he’s never pushed me too far, but I think he’ll always want us to end up together. Unfortunately, no matter what, I could never see him in that way. He may be a very handsome, charismatic man, but he’ll never be the one for me. I can see his appeal, but I’ll never be able to find him sexually attractive. I just don’t feel any spark or any chemistry there at all, and I can’t imagine a future without that in my life. Not anymore.

Plus, deep down, I will always feel like Adam had a hand in Dexter leaving me. That’s probably unfair on him, since the chances are that Dex just wasn’t that into me. But since I’ll never know for sure what went down in their meeting, I will always hold the grudge.

I will always hold that tiny little shred of belief.

But the main thing that’s holding me back from falling for Adam—or anyone for that matter—is the sad fact that I’m still in love with Dexter. I know what a pathetic, lonely weirdo that makes me, but I can’t help it. Because of this knowledge, I’ve put dating on the backburner; pushed it way down my list of priorities.

It isn’t like I dabbled much. This realization came immediately after my date with Jay, so really I’ve only had one mini dating attempt, and that was enough for me to make the decision to remain single. Until I can fully move on from Dexter, I want to keep my sole focus on Ellie Rose. Men can wait, she can’t.

“Mummy!” I hear her yell over all of the other children racing to their freedom. She’s always been the loudest one. Shyness has never been an issue for my daughter!

“Hey baby.” I smile back.

She races towards me and throws herself onto me, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. I shut my eyes for a second, savoring the moment and drinking in all of her love before setting her down on the ground.

“Tell me about your day, sweetheart.” I cup her little face in my hands, brushing down the blonde hair that’s grown disheveled by her day of activities. The love I hold for this child fills me up until I’m almost fit to burst.

“Well, first off we did our spelling test, and guess what? I got top marks…”

I smile brightly as I listen to her babble on while we amble towards home. She loves school and I’m so glad for that. My education was unfortunately cut short by what happened in my earlier years. I still went to school, but I wasn’t really
there
.

My mind was all messed up because of Ryan, and later Nicolette’s disappearance, which meant that I screwed up all of my exams. I’d been promised a bright future by all of my teachers and I’d failed them all, along with myself.

I wonder for a second what my life would be like if none of that had happened. Would I have gone to college? Would I now have a successful career? Would I be married? Where would I be?
Who
would I be?

I quickly shake my head, ridding my brain of these thoughts. No, I
never
want to think like that. If none of that had gone down, then I wouldn’t have my daughter now—my world, and my everything. For all the shit that happened, for all the heartache and lost futures, she is the result. I can never regret anything; I can never wish that things had gone differently. I have all that I need in her and I can at least ensure that she never misses out on anything.

As we walk down the road on our daily route, near to where we live, a surprising shadow pops up into the distance. A very familiar one.

One that I never thought I’d see again.

I stop dead in the road, unable to make my limbs move even one inch. My mouth turns to ash and my brain scrambles in every single direction.

It’s him.

My heart practically leaps up into my mouth, pounding painfully. It really
is
him. Dexter Hart, the man who I thought had vanished forever. He hasn’t seen me yet, because we haven’t made eye contact, so I can’t be one hundred percent certain that I’m right, but deep down I just
know
.

What do I do? Do I call out to him? Do I run? Do I scream?

“Are you okay, Mommy?” Ellie Rose says, breaking through my shock barrier.

“Huh?” I reply, glancing down at her innocent, confused face.

“You’re not walking. You’ve just…stopped.”

“Oh, yeah. I…I’m sorry.” I stammer over my words, feeling my cheeks flush a bright red.

I look up once more, trying to feel more confident this time, but the shadow has already gone. Vanished from my life once more. Was he even there? Did I just imagine him?

“Um…” I try to swallow down my emotions. I don’t know what to do; I’m all over the place. I can’t just go back to our apartment now, because my thoughts are far too jumbled. I need distractions, noise, and company. “Shall we go to Auntie Nic’s house?”

“It’s Friday, Mommy.”

“Mm-hmm…” I’m distracted, still frantically searching for him, for the ghost of the man who I thought I saw. “I know.”

“They come to us on Friday’s. Toby comes to play and have dinner.”

“Oh yeah.” I shake my head.
Stop being so stupid, Willa! Pull yourself together.
“Yeah, of course. Urgh, sorry, Mommy’s just being silly. Let’s go home and wait for them there.”

“Willa!” I hear a familiar male voice boom out. “How are you, my dear?”

I look up to see Adam strutting towards me. He’s coming from the direction that I thought I saw Dex heading in, and he’s tucking some money into his top pocket. He always likes to flash what he has, but he’s not too insufferable about it. Not with me, at any rate.

“Yeah, I’m okay, thanks.” I try to smile brightly, but I’m still too stunned and confused to form a proper reaction.

“Are you headed home?”

“Yes we are, Adam! Uncle Lucas, Auntie Nic and Toby are coming over to play!” Ellie replies.

She adores Adam, and he dotes on her just as much. It’s sweet really—it’s good for her to have some positive male role models in her life. Well, as positive as a guy like Adam can really be, anyway.

“I’m glad I ran into you, E.R!” He bends down and ruffles her hair affectionately, calling her by the nickname that only he is allowed to use—Ellie Rose’s rules! “I have a gift for you.”

I try not to roll my eyes, but he’s
always
buying her stuff. It’s ridiculous. We have a house filled with so many toys that I could open a store if I wanted to.

“Do you?” My daughter pretends to be shocked, but she’s only playing along. This is their little role-playing game that I have no part in.

“I got you…” He dramatically pulls something out of his pocket. “The prom dress outfit for your doll.”

“Wow!” She shrieks excitedly, taking the dress from him. “Aurora is going to
love
this! Thank you!”

“I know she will, sweetie. And you’re welcome.”

“Thank you, Adam,” I interject quickly.

He grins at me and I force a weak smile back.

“Come on, Willa. Let me walk you home. I want to talk to you about a new line for the salon, anyway.”

I don’t want him to walk me home, but I can’t say no without making a fuss. He really doesn’t have to speak to me about new products, but he always asks my opinions on things. It’s nice to feel important, but a part of me hopes this isn’t just another way for him to get closer to me.

I want to have time to stew on what I thought I saw, but it seems that I’m not going to be afforded that luxury. I even want to scan the area to see if I can find him again, but I’m not going to get the opportunity to do that either.

I contribute minimally to the conversation as we walk—only as much as is absolutely necessary—but luckily Adam doesn’t seem to mind. Ellie Rose is chatty enough to disguise it anyway. She can talk enough for three people.

At first, I’d wanted to see my sister to discuss what I’d seen as soon as possible, but as I draw nearer to home, I realize that I probably shouldn’t tell her anything. She’d only disapprove and go on a rant. She never wants to see him ever again, and she thinks that I feel the same. Plus, I’ve spent enough time moaning about Dexter to her, so I really shouldn’t bend her ear about this topic any further.

Especially since she believes he’s the furthest thing from my mind now. I need to keep this act up if I want her to remain calm around me.

Adam draws me back into the conversation. “So, Nic is nearing her due date again.”

“Yeah, I know. She must be mad, going through it all again!” I let out a strangled laugh.

“She’s gonna love having a girl though.”

“Yeah, her family will be complete. Although I wouldn’t put it past her to have about six more children!”

Adam chuckles. “Yeah, she always was a bit of a wild one. I bet she’d love a large family.”

Family.
I look down to Ellie Rose. Our family will always be
this
; nothing more. It’s never going to be the complete unit. I’m happy for Nicolette, of course I am, but I can’t help feeling a bit jealous. I’m happy with what I have, but I would love to have Dexter here too.

Maybe that’s why I imagined him today.

“Okay, well this is us.” I turn to face Adam outside of my apartment. “Thank you for walking us. It was lovely to see you.”

He leans in and places a soft kiss on my cheek, a sad longing look in his eye. “See you soon?” he asks.

“Adam!” Ellie Rose cries out. “When are you taking me to the zoo again?”

She really has no shame in asking him for anything. Luckily, he genuinely doesn’t mind. Plus, he actually wants to do things with her all the time, which is a bit of a nuisance for me, but like Adam, I can’t seem to deny Ellie Rose anything.

He grins. “Next weekend? Saturday?”

“Yeah!” she yells excitedly. “Can I, Mommy?”

“Yes, I don’t think we have anything planned,” I tell her.

She races inside, satisfied that she’s gotten all that she wants.

“I’m sorry, Willa. I can’t help but spoil her.”

“I know.” I nod back at Adam. “Thank you. You know I appreciate all that you do.”

We smile at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.

“They’re already here, Mommy!” Ellie Rose yells, breaking the tension of the moment. “Toby, Auntie Nic and Uncle Lucas!”

“I better go,” I say, relieved for a clear end to the conversation. “See ya.”

I watch him walk away then wander inside and softly shut the door.

The noise from my home is chaotic. When the kids get together, they are always so damn loud. I love it. After so much loneliness, so much quietness, having a wonderfully exciting family is music to my ears.

“Hey guys, who wants a drink?” I say. I rush into the kitchen, needing a moment to think. I just want a second on my own, so getting drinks for everyone is a good excuse.

Was it him?
I can’t really remember anymore. It’s already become like a distant memory with a dream-like quality to it. He looked different; rougher, more beater down by life. Maybe it was someone else entirely. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see.

Maybe I really am going mad.

“Willa, where are those damn drinks? I’m dying of thirst over here!”

My sister’s delightful tone breaks through my thoughts and brings me back into the present moment.

I need to focus. I need to act normal. I need to get back to real life and stop fantasizing about crazy nonsense.

“I’m coming back out there in a sec!” I call out.

As for Dex…he’s never coming back.