Violence Begets... (2 page)

“Shut it!” I hissed at them. Exchanging
glances, they snapped their mouths closed. I jogged up to him and offered my hand.

He glanced up at me. It was perfect.
He was embarrassed, and I could see the touch of shame shading his eyes.

“Thanks,” he said, slowly reaching out
and gripping my hand to help himself up. His hand was hot, surprisingly so for the
cool autumn day. He proceeded to gather his stuff, shoving papers and books into
his worn backpack. I waited, standing patiently until he faced me
.
When he
finally did,
I was ready with a pack of cigarettes.

“Wanna smoke?” I offered. He glanced
at the pack but didn’t move. The guys had caught up and were standing quietly behind
me, my army to be reckoned with.

“The name’s Kevin,” I said, allowing
a small smile to ease his obvious discomfort as I awaited his decision. He looked
at the smokes in my hand. They were an offering of friendship, acceptance, and a
life no longer spent alone and drowning. I could tell by the emotions playing on
his face that he knew this. And yet he hesitated.

“Do you want one or not?” I said as
casually as I could, but I was wondering why the fuck he was taking so long. If
I’d miscalculated and he said no, it’d be the first fucking time I’d ever read a
person wrong. I didn’t do well with being wrong. As a last attempt I pretended not
to care, shrugged my shoulders and started to pull the pack back.

“Sure, why not?” he finally said coolly.
Something about the way he said it set my instincts on edge. It felt like he knew
the game I was playing and had made the decision to play back, and I briefly wondered
if he’d intentionally made me sweat the whole cigarette thing. My irritation fought
to be recognized, but I shoved it down. He tugged a smoke from the pack. I didn’t
smile.

“So again, I’m Kevin, Kevin Vincent.
And you are?” Of course, I already knew, but it was a formality.

“Rick,” he said plainly.

“Got a last name?”

“Uh, St. James.”

“Well, here you go, Saint Ricky,” I
said as I tossed him my lighter and noticed his hesitation again. I paused before
moving on to introduce the rest of the guys. I wanted to make sure he lit up before
officially welcoming him into the group. The moments dragged on, but I could wait
him out. It was all part of my game.

He looked at me as if weighing his options.
Then something flashed in his eyes, and for a second I thought he’d back out again.
Fuck, I hated doubting myself. When he slowly brought the flame to the smoke and
lit it, I found myself letting out the breath I’d been holding. God help him if
the other guys noticed my tension. He choked out a cough, pegging himself as a new
smoker. I laughed a little. It had been nearly perfectly played, with the exception
of my damn second-guessing.

“First time?” I said, turning away from
him and moving on to introductions. “This is Jeremy, Mike and Brett.”

Jeremy nodded, Mike reached out for
a handshake, and Brett barely looked at him.

“So, you’re new, right?” Jeremy asked.

“Yeah, just moved here a few weeks ago.”
His voice was quiet, but steady.

I started walking again, and the others
followed me obediently. I glanced at the smoke in his hand. He hadn’t taken any
drags since the first one.

“Not your flavor, Saint Ricky?”

“What? Oh no, it’s fine.” He brought
it back up and took another drag.

Rick
started talking about what classes he had, and Mike and Jeremy let him know which
teachers were assholes. I watched them carefully, gauging how well he’d fit in.
Mike and Jeremy seemed to warm to him okay, but Brett was making it clear he didn’t
like him. I’d have to watch the two of them. I also had to be careful of them getting
too friendly or they might start talking and try to challenge me. Bringing in a
new person was always a risk to the balance of power, but I needed a challenge.

Rick

Kevin had tension rolling off him in
waves, like the feel of an electric current right before it sparked. I wasn’t sure
I was going to like him. He certainly thought a lot of himself. They had left me
standing in front of my house, not inviting me to hang out with them, wherever they
were going. I watched as he raked his fingers through his dark hair, not looking
back as he walked off. He was tall and fit. The Mike kid looked like a football
player, and I wondered if any of them played sports like Jason had. Jeremy seemed
nice enough. He was small but had an edge to him that made me not to want to cross
him. They all seemed like pretty tough guys. I could tell I was going to have problems
with Brett; there were some guys I could tell were jerks right off. Despite all
this, I wondered where they were going. I hated to admit I was bugged they hadn't
invited me. It had been the first time anyone had really talked to me since I moved
in. The interaction with Kevin had brought my quiet isolation into shocking awareness,
as if he had removed my earphones and left me surprised by the silence. I watched
as Mike turned back and gave me a small nod before quickly looking at Kevin and
then forward again. For a second, I wondered what would’ve happened if I’d invited
myself to go along. “Yeah, right,” I muttered to myself. I knew I didn’t have enough
balls to do that.

I stared at the cigarette still burning
in my hand. Jason and I had promised each other that we’d never smoke. Growing up
with it always in the house disgusted both of us. This was one thing we had in common
with Sylvia. She hated the fact that my dad smoked. He'd tried to quit dozens of
times, but it had never worked. I brought the smoke to my lips again, considering
the fact that Jason would never find out about my broken promise.

The next morning, exhausted from no
sleep again, I left the house, wondering if I’d run into the guys from the day before.
I passed the corner Kevin had said he lived around but didn’t see anyone. I continued
down a hill and around another corner and found all four of them standing near a
street sign, talking. Kevin was leaning against a cement wall that came up to his
lower back.

He took his time raising his eyes to
meet mine. After an irritated puff on his cigarette, he mumbled, “You’re late.”
I looked around and found I was the only one he could be talking to.

“Uh, me?”

He looked at me, not saying anything.

“Sorry, late for what?” I added into
the silence.

“Be here by 7:40. That’s when we meet,”
he said angrily. I almost laughed. He had to be kidding.

“But school doesn’t start ‘til 8:30.”
He didn’t seem to be joking, and when he didn’t respond, I added, “Why so early?”

“We usually get to school early so we
can have a few smokes at the catwalk,” Mike offered.

I wanted to ask how I was supposed to
know I needed to be anywhere at a certain time, what the catwalk was, and why I’d
want to get out of bed earlier than I had to just to smoke. But instead I said,
“Oh, ok.”

“Well, we don’t have a lot of time now.
Can we go?” Brett asked, looking to Kevin.

He nodded, pushed himself off the wall
and started walking. As soon as he did, the rest, including me, started to follow
him. What was it with this guy?

The catwalk was a cemented path between
two houses and was secluded by trees. Obviously a walkway meant to give the neighborhood
access to the high school, it also seemed to be the meeting place for every kid
who smoked.

Kevin walked up to a small, good-looking
girl with black, spiky hair and dark makeup. He wrapped his arm around her waist,
leaning in to kiss her.

“That his girlfriend?” I whispered to
Jeremy.

“One of dozens,” he laughed.

Kevin

I had timed the cab arriving down the
street from my house almost perfectly. Once settled in for the ride downtown, I
swallowed two hits of E and waited for the exhilaration to come. I flashed my fake
ID at the door and made my way to the bar. Franko knew me and slid a shot of Wild
Turkey across the counter.

An hour later, salty sweat burned my
eyes and the colors bent and moved with the music. Smoke swirled mystically in and
out of red and yellow rays of light. I rolled my head from side to side as the music
moved my mind. Every cell reverberated with the drumming of the bass. Shirtless
male bodies gleamed with sweat as they pressed their hard bodies against my own.
The hands of strangers caressed me, and my mind was overloaded with the intensity
of my surroundings.

“You rollin’?” a husky voice shouted
in my ear over the music.

“But of course,” I yelled back.

“Wanna line?” he asked. I opened my
eyes to take him in. He wasn’t bad. Hell of a rack, nipples pierced, tan arms that
could probably break me in half. He’d do.

“Depends. Whatcha got?”

“Coke.”

“Works for me.”

I followed him to the back of the club
and into one of the restrooms. In the stall, he laid out two thick lines of coke.
I closed my eyes and felt the music as he rolled a dollar bill and took the first
line, then tapped me on the shoulder.

“Your turn.” I sniffed up the powder
and handed the bill back.

“You here alone?” he asked.

“Maybe, why? What’d you have in mind?”
The coke immediately sent my heart racing and sharpened my focus.

“There’s an after-hours party tonight
at a friend’s house. Wanna come?”

“I always wanna come. But we’ll see
about the party.” I flashed a half-smile as I wrapped my arms around his neck and
pulled my fingers through his hair. I knew I was going to end up at the party, but
I wanted to make sure he didn’t know it yet. I backed him up against the wall and
kissed him roughly, feeling myself get hard as he ground his body against mine.
He unbuttoned my jeans and I took a step back.

“Not so fast. All in good time.” I kissed
him briefly, left the bathroom and returned to the dance floor, expecting he’d find
me again. Until then I lost myself in the rhythm of the music that surrounded me.

“So, what’s your name?” he asked as
he reappeared over an hour later.

“What do ya want it to be?” I said,
moving my body with his to the music.

“Oh, you’re going to play it like that?”

“I’ll play it however you want.”

“Really? I could get used to that.”

“Well, I wouldn’t get too used to it.
You never know how long it will last,” I teased him.

“So, have you made up your mind whether
or not you’re leaving with me?”

“Depends. When ya leaving?”

“Soon. They’re about to close.”

I remained silent, knowing he was hanging
on for my answer. He liked my game, so I played it out for him. He eventually got
impatient, reached out and kissed me. It was gentle—not really my style—but nice.

“Maybe that’ll help convince you,” he
smiled mischievously.

“I think I’m convinced. Let’s get outta
here.”

“Perfect!” He grabbed my hand and headed
towards one of the exits. “Do you wanna take your car or just ride with me?”

I loved that he assumed I had a car.
“I’m good to ride.” He had drugs, a car, and a nice body. The night was going to
be just what I wanted.

The house was close-by, and I was pleased
to walk into a dim, candle-lit front room with a dozen or so hot, sweaty men moving
to a variety of techno beats. I knew I had made the right decision to come when
I noticed two gorgeous guys going at it on the couch, and right next to them was
a coffee table covered in an assortment of alcohol and drugs.

“By the way, in case you’re wondering,
my name’s Dan,” he said, handing me a beer. “And are you going to tell me your name?”

“Kevin.” I wrapped my arms around his
waist and pulled him into a demanding kiss. He responded nicely to the touch of
aggression and I stepped it up a notch. He matched my intensity, which was a good
sign. I pulled away from him, not wanting to give him too much too soon.

“You are so hot!” he grumbled at me.
“You look barely old enough to be in the bar. How old are you anyway?”

“I’m as old as you want me to be.” Looking
to change the subject quickly, I kissed him again and the conversation was forgotten.

The night proceeded to move in slow
motion, yet hours went by in what seemed like seconds. The more alcohol I consumed,
the more I faded in and out of my surroundings. Dan found me and kissed me, then
I found myself kissing some guy I hadn’t been introduced to. I was doing a line
of coke off another guy’s chest when the effects of the E finally led me to reach
out for deeper physical contact. The early hours of the morning found several hot
bodies in a bedroom. I noticed Dan was missing, but I didn’t care. I'd come to find
darkness, naked men, strong arms and hands, kissing, touching, and fumbling towards
getting off, and I had.

After passing out for a while, I woke
to tangled bodies on the floor and empty bottles of alcohol strewn around. My shirt
was still on and I was able to find my jeans and shoes in the kitchen. I called
a cab to get me home before my father woke up.

After
the cab dropped me off, I went around the side of the house to the storage shed.
I always kept a spare change of clothes in a box of Christmas ornaments on a shelf
in the back. One could never be too careful about the smell of booze and smoke on
clothes. I pretty much had to change every time I came home. After quickly swapping
out my shirt and jeans, I used a few squirts from a bottle of cologne to mask the
smell of smoke in my hair. I then quietly snuck in the window of my bathroom, listening
intently for any sound from upstairs. With the coast apparently clear, I locked
the window behind me and smiled. Another night's adventure had been a success.

Rick

Kevin showed up just a little before
7:30, and I was already waiting at the corner.

“You’re early,” he grumbled.

“So are you.”

“And?”

“And I couldn’t sleep.” It was the first
thing that came to my mind. I tried to cover the slip by adding, “What’s your excuse?”
As it came out, I immediately knew it was the wrong thing to say to him. I’d noticed
that the others never really talked back to Kevin.

“Do I need a fucking excuse?” he snapped,
pulling out some cigarettes. “Here,” he said, handing me the pack. I unraveled the
plastic wrap and tugged at one until it came loose. When I tried to hand the pack
back to him he told me to keep it. I slid it into my pocket and watched as he opened
his own and pulled one out. He handed me his lighter so I could light mine first.

“Don’t we usually do this at the catwalk?”
I'd thought the whole point of meeting at this ungodly hour was so we could get
to school early to smoke. I couldn’t tell if he looked at me through his sunglasses,
but he didn’t respond. I tried a few more small-talk conversation starters, but
he never responded, so I finally took the hint, shut up, and smoked.

A little later I about dropped my cigarette
when he suddenly yelled, “Hey, Jessica! Come here.” I looked around and saw a girl
with straight brown hair almost to her waist glance our way and smile as she walked
towards the corner we were standing on. She held a worn mug, and as she got closer
the smell of coffee floated up around us. “This is Jessica.”

I fumbled with the cigarette as I tried
to switch hands so I could shake hers and introduce myself. Before I could do anything
but look like a complete idiot, she smiled warmly and came up on her toes, her arms
wrapping around my neck in a hug.

“I don’t shake, I hug,” she said as
she took a step back. Again, I wasn’t able to find any words. Girls didn’t hug me,
especially ones as hot as Jessica. “Nice to meet you, Rick.”

“Let the guys know I’ll be at the catwalk,”
Kevin said shortly as he walked off. I stared after him, mortified he’d left me
alone.

“He’s a bit of a jerk, but you’ll get
used to it.” Jessica said, her voice solid. It wasn’t unsure or giggly like the
girls I heard talking in the halls at school. “So, you’re new, right?”

“Yeah,” I said lamely.

“I live next to Kevin, and you live
just around the corner?”

“Yeah.” Again, I sounded like a stupid
idiot.

“Didn’t you move in just before school
started?”

“Yeah.”
Okay,
I thought,
if
she’d stop asking me yes-or-no questions I might be able to stop sounding like a
broken record.

“Any siblings?”

“Yeah, a little sister.”

“Me too, my brother just started second
grade. How old is your sister?"

“Same, second grade.”

“She going to Carter?”

“No, a private school across town. I
think it’s called Hanson’s Summit.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of it. I moved here
a few years ago. I guess Salt Lake is okay. Like I said, Kevin can be a complete
ass at times, but he’s not all that bad. You’ve met Mike, Brett and Jeremy, right?”

I nodded.

“Brett’s a creep. Have you met anyone
else yet?”

I shook my head.

“Well, I could introduce you around.
I expect Kevin  will keep you pretty busy, but if you ever feel up to it, we should
hang out.” I wasn’t sure what she meant by Kevin keeping me pretty busy, but I just
nodded again.

Our conversation continued in the same
pathetic manner, with me shaking my head or mostly mumbling one-syllable responses.
Her eyes were dark brown but danced with animation as she talked. She easily carried
on a conversation with me, as if I were an interesting person. She reached out and
touched my arm lightly at one point. As I watched her hand fall loosely to her side
again, I found myself wondering what it would be like to hold it.

Her spell was broken when Jeremy showed
up, followed soon after by Brett and Mike. She chatted just as easily with all of
them, asking them questions, and, like me, they seemed to hang on her every word.
They weren’t flirting with her like I’d seen them do with other girls; I could tell
they just wanted to be around her.

That afternoon at lunch I asked her
if she wanted to sit with us. She said she was going to lunch with some friends
but invited me to go with her. I was about to agree when I noticed a look from Kevin.
He didn’t say anything, but after a quick glance to the guys, a disapproving nod
from Mike and a smile from Brett, I declined her invitation. She didn’t seem surprised
as she sailed off to meet her friends.

As we neared my house after school that
day, Kevin let me know they’d all be sneaking out to go to a place they called Zarahemla.
He didn’t ask me if I wanted to go; he just told me what time to show up. I was
excited to be trusted enough to be included. I felt like I had passed some sort
of test when I’d told Jessica no, and I didn’t want to screw it up. They still left
me at my driveway every day and walked off without me. I was dying to know where
they were going. If I could pull off this sneaking-out thing, I was sure they’d
start letting me go with them after school as well.

Sneaking out of the house brought back
horrible memories of the last time I’d left my home in the middle of the night.
The memories were always there in one form or another; I just had to work a little
harder at keeping them shoved aside. I didn’t dare sneak out through the front door,
so I scoped out a good route while it was still light. There was a huge tree next
to the house, perfectly set with a limb stretching and curling right towards my
window. I could easily swing out and let myself down the tree.

After checking out my escape route,
I dreaded going back inside. My dad had been in a particularly rotten mood after
work, and I really didn’t want to get into it with him.

“Where the hell have you been?” he asked
as I came in the front door.

“Just out front. I haven’t been gone
that long,” I said, glancing around for Emma. I found her sitting on the couch,
watching cartoons.

“Are you sassing me?”

“No, Dad. I was just in the yard. Sorry.”
I tried to make my way to the stairs, away from Emma. I knew my dad yelling at me
scared her.

“You’re an ungrateful little shit,”
he mumbled, and I could tell he’d already had a few beers.

“I know.” I bit down on my lip, darting
my eyes towards Emma, who seemed oblivious.

“What was that?” His voice rose to a
concerning level.

“What do you want from me?” I snapped.
Sensing things were already at the breaking point, I was still leading the argument
out of the front room. “You tell me to stay out of the way, to disappear. You’re
constantly telling me it should’ve been me! Then you get pissed that I’m not around?”
I could see his temper flare, his square face beading up with sweat and turning
red. “Tell me what will keep you off my back and I’ll be happy to oblige.”