Violence Begets... (8 page)

“Is that a condition?” I asked, scared
of what she’d say.

“No, of course not. I won’t make you,
but maybe one day?” She smiled shyly and I kissed her again, my mouth tasting hers.
I took things slowly, simply kissing her until she started to pull herself closer
to me, curving her body into mine. I slid myself on top of her, gently resting my
weight on my arms while my hands slowly pulled at her shirt, making sure she was
really okay with what I wanted. She sat up a little, letting me take her shirt off
for her. She really was beautiful. I tried not to be nervous, paying attention to
what she seemed to like. I pulled up short when a random thought about confiding
this moment to Jason crowded into my mind, but Jessica started on my pants, and
as soon as her hands found me, I was lost in her touch.

Rick

My phone lit up with a text message.
Happy 4
^th
of fucking July. I’m waiting out front.

I groaned. I’d told them all I wasn’t
feeling well. I stared at my bedroom door, wondering what would happen if I threw
my phone at it. I imagined my cell exploding with the force of impact, spraying
dozens of pieces around my room. I could tell Kevin I hadn’t seen his text, but
that daydream lasted about a second; he’d know I was lying.

Now!
My phone lit up again. Barefooted, wearing only boxers and a t-shirt, I yanked open
my door and went out front where Kevin was waiting in his dad’s car. He was alone.
I leaned down, resting my elbows on the passenger-side door.

“Get in.”

“I’m sick.”

He tapped his fingers on the steering
wheel impatiently. “The hell you are. Go get your fucking shoes.”

“Kevin.”

“Not taking no.”

“Really?” I said irritably.

“Your dad’s on one. I could tell when
I was over the other day. You gotta get outta there. And aren’t Sylvia and Emma
at her mom’s? You shouldn’t be alone with him.”

“Seriously, today’s not good.”

He looked out the driver’s window. I
noticed that his fingers had stopped tapping and now his knuckles were turning white
as he wrapped them around the steering wheel. He wasn’t taking no for an answer.
I stood up and looked up to the sky. Maybe he could help me. If I went with him,
I wouldn’t be alone and that had its advantages. But I didn’t know if I could really
pull things off. I leaned back down.

“Fine! But no questions.”

He stared at me for several seconds
before nodding. I ran back to the house and got dressed, not bothering to let my
dad know I was leaving. He wasn’t around, and I doubted he’d show his face on this
of all days. I wasn’t surprised that his levels of avoidance had been increasing
for the last few weeks.

“You now have plans for tonight,” Kevin
said as I got into the car.

“Fine. Whatever it is, we’re getting
messed up.”

“Really?” he smiled. “I had a friend
text me the other day and I may just be able to get what you need.”

“Yeah, and what’s that?” I asked, still
pissed he’d made me come along.

“It’s a surprise. All I’ll say is that
you’ll be one happy motherfucker if things work out.” He pushed a speed-dial number
on his phone and brought it to his ear. I listened to his side of the conversation,
trying to figure out what he had in mind. “It’s me. Yeah, about that text the other
day…enough for two will do. Okay, when? See you then.” He hung up the call. “Looks
like you’re in luck.”

“What’re you getting?”

“I told you, it’s a surprise.”

“Whatever.”

“Anxious much?” he asked, glancing at
me as he sped through a yellow light.

“No questions.”

He shook his head. “Fine.”

About twenty minutes later, we arrived
at an apartment complex. He turned in and wound his way through the cramped streets,
backing his car into a spot.

“Wait here.”

“Why?”

“Don’t have to tell ya, do I?” He hated
questions as much as I did. “The guy’s paranoid. So stay,” he offered.

“Just don’t take forever,” I said, not
wanting to be left alone with my thoughts for long.

“So, what if I do?” he said, slamming
the door shut without waiting for my reply. I wouldn’t put it past him to take longer
just to piss me off.

I was immediately overcome with thoughts
of Jason again. I couldn’t believe it had already been two years!
Knock it off,
I told myself. Just get whatever Kevin brings back and forget about things. I opened
the car door and stepped outside to smoke, telling myself to hold it together.

I watched the clock impatiently, walking
in circles around the car, checking the clock at each pass. Twenty-three minutes
later he emerged from the complex with a smile, strolling to the car like he had
all the time in the world. I took a deep breath and resisted starting something
with him.

“So?” I asked a little too anxiously
as he slid into the car. He tossed me a plastic bag of what looked like a bunch
of dead sticks and leaves. “What’s this?” I asked, annoyed. Was this some kind of
joke?

“Shrooms. You’ll like ‘em.”

“Fine.”

“You’re on one today.”

“I warned you.”

“That you did.”

“There’s not a lot here.” I said, playing
with the bag.

“Enough for two.”

“Not going to call the guys over?”

“Not tonight. Not really in the mood
to deal with them. Are you?”

“No. How long do they take to kick in?”
I asked while examining the bag.

“Thirty minutes or so, maybe forty-five.”

“Should we get started?”

He laughed. “Be my guest. Just have
to warn you, though. They literally taste like shit. We should stop and grab some
beer for a chaser.”

“And how do you plan on buying it?”

“The same way I always do, my fake ID.”

“What? Since when?”

“Since always.” He smiled again. He
was doing that more and more when the others weren’t around, the smiling thing.
I was glad he was in a good mood. I couldn’t really deal with jerk Kevin on top
of what I was dealing with.

As soon as we left the gas station,
I cracked open the beer and asked, “So what? Just eat ‘em?”

“Yeah, eat half the bag. Really chew
it until it dissolves in your mouth. I’ll eat the rest.”

I reached in and pulled out a piece.
“It looks just like a dead stick. Are you sure this is part of ‘em?”

He laughed again, “Yeah, I’m sure. Now
eat.”

I expected it to taste like dirt, but
it didn’t. It literally tasted like dried-up shit. Not that I’d had shit before,
but I was sure that if shit had a taste, it would be that of shrooms. “This is awful,”
I gagged. “You weren’t kidding!”

“I told you so. Now make sure to chew
it until there’s nothing left.”

“Seriously? This is brutal. I don’t
think I can take half this bag.”

“Yes, you can,” he said simply.

I closed my eyes and focused on chewing.
It took a lot of concentration to get the stuff down. My mouth felt like a sandbox,
but it tasted much worse than sand ever could. By the time I finished my portion
of the bag, I’d gone through three beers just to get it all down. I had a nice little
buzz going, which I was sure would only help the effects of the shrooms.

“So, is your dad going to be around
tonight? I’d rather party at your place. My father is in town.” Kevin said as he
turned into our neighborhood.

“I’m not sure. Most likely not. If he
shows, we could always bolt and go someplace else.” If last year was any indicator,
I knew my dad would be out drinking somewhere. Sylvia knew this too, and had decided
to give him his space by going to her parents’ house for the holiday. She didn’t
want Emma’s 4
^th
of July ruined by the memories she knew would be haunting
me and my dad.

By the time we’d settled in front of
my TV with the video games, I’d begun to get impatient waiting for the shrooms to
kick in.

“Are you feeling anything yet?” Kevin
asked me.

“Nope,” I replied. “So, how will I know?”

“It’s mellow. You’ll know”

The first signs that they were working
were the fuzzy lines spreading off the objects on the TV. Eventually, everything
got fuzzy and colorful around the edges. I’d heard people talking about seeing energy
and auras, and I was sure this was what I was seeing; however, a low level of anxiety
settled over my body as the intensity of the high eased into my mind, and the force
of Jason’s absence grew stronger. This was not good. Shrooms weren’t supposed to
make me feel more. They were supposed to erase the pain.

“So how you feeling?” Kevin asked.

“This is so cool! I love these,” I lied,
then laughed, trying to sound more sincere. I hoped it didn’t sound as forced to
him as it felt to me. Every so often he’d ask me something or say something. I prayed
he’d shut up because it became increasingly difficult to push Jason from my head.
The more Kevin talked, the more my mind started to fracture and allow Jason in.

“How long do these last?” I finally
asked after an hour or so. Was I going to be able to pretend all night?

“I don’t know, four to six hours maybe.
Depends on how good they are. These ones seem pretty good, so I’d say closer to
six.”

There was no way I was going to last
six hours. I thought of going to the bathroom to make myself throw up, wanting to
get rid of anything left in my stomach before my body absorbed it. The more I thought
about it the more it seemed like a good idea, and I was about ready to do it when
I realized I'd actually eaten the shrooms nearly two hours ago, so I was pretty
sure they’d all been digested. Instead, I focused on the game.
I can do this,
I told myself. I’d been through much worse and been fine.

I’d heard that freaking out could send
another person on a bad trip, and the last thing I needed was an unpredictable Kevin
flying into a rage. Tears kept threatening as the night of Jason’s death flashed
through my mind.

Knock it off!
It’s the drugs,
I thought. I knew I just had to get through the next few
hours and everything would be fine. Once the drugs wore off, I could go to bed and
sleep it off. Meanwhile I needed to hold it together. Thousands of people had bad
trips. They all got through it, and so could I. I told myself that my body was just
reacting to the chemicals, that it wasn’t permanent.

I gripped the game controller and focused
as things grew more intense, fading in and out on the game while I battled with
the memories of Jason that filled my mind. I couldn’t let Kevin see that this was
killing me. As we came up on the third hour of my nightmare, he rose to reset a
frozen system and I panicked as a picture of Jason drew his attention to the top
of the entertainment center.
Ignore it,
I silently pleaded with him, but
he picked it up and I stopped breathing.

“Who’s this? I’ve never seen this before,”
he said.

“No one. Can we start the game?” I asked
desperately.

“You have a picture of a stranger displayed
in your living room? Who is it? He kinda looks like you. A cousin?”

“No. My brother.”

His head snapped in my direction. “What?
Your brother? I had no idea you had a brother. Where is he?”

“It’s not a big deal. Let’s just play
the game,” I said. Kevin had no idea what he was doing.

“Why are you acting all sketchy?” he
asked, sitting down next to me.

“I’m not acting like anything. I just
don’t want to talk about it. Okay? You promised, no questions.”

“I never said I promise.”

“Kevin, just drop it.” I said as tears
pooled in my eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” he asked
gently. His kindness opened the floodgate, and images of that night rushed into
my head as the tears started to pour down my face. I ran towards the bathroom, my
stomach clenching and cramping. I lost it right before the toilet and everything
came up in the middle of the floor as I collapsed, crying hysterically. It was too
much.

My cell phone was ringing on the nightstand
and the insistent tone brought me out of my sleep. I tried to ignore it, but whoever
was calling kept calling back. Fumbling around in the darkness, I knocked the phone
to the floor. I pried open my eyes so I could see the light from the display and
grabbed for it.

“Hello,” I said, disoriented.

“Hey, buddy, it’s me.”

“Jason?”

“I’m so drunk,” he half laughed and
half slurred.

“What?” Why would he be calling me at—I
opened my eyes and squinted at the clock—four in the morning?

“I’m drunk,” he repeated, sounding as
if he was relaying the punch line of a joke.

“I can tell. Umm, it’s four in the morning.
Is there something you need?” I asked in confusion.

“Yeah, silly, Too drunk to drive. Come
get me.”

“Jas, you know I can’t. I don’t have
my license. You know that.”

“It’s okay. I taught you. You can do
it.” I had heard him drunk before, but I had never heard him like this.

“Jas,
I don’t know—”

“Shhh!” he said loudly over the phone.
“On the phone with little bro.” He was obviously talking to the people at the party.
“Wait, Rick? Going outside. Hold on, don’t let me go.” Several moments later, he
came back. I’d almost fallen back to sleep. I’d gone to bed after one, and three
hours of sleep just wasn't cutting it. “You can come get me, right?”