Valeria’s Cross (21 page)

“Valeria, how can you say such a thing?”

“Please do not pretend to be shocked. You had to know how I felt. I have tried to love Galerius. He is kind to me at times, but he also mocks everything and everyone that is dear to me—and to you. For that reason, I loathe him.”

“May I remind you that just days ago you were glowing with love for your husband? These feelings of resentment will not hurt him,” Prisca warned, “but they will destroy you. You must put these regrets and resentments to rest, once and for all. It is time for you to get on with your life.”

“Eugenia said something similar earlier today, explaining to me why she had chosen to forgive Galerius for murdering
her husband. I know she is right, and I, too, have chosen to forgive him. But that does not change my feelings.” She sighed. “Still, I have been faithful to your words of wisdom, Mother. Each day I have prayed that God would give me a love for my husband. And I have prayed for Galerius, too— morning, noon, and night—that he will come to know our Father in heaven. Yet I see no evidence of any of this happening … ever.”

“Evidence? What do the Scriptures say about evidence?” Prisca did not pause for Valeria to answer her question. “ ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’ Not seen. What do you suppose the Apostle Paul meant by those words? And remember, the Scriptures also tell us, ‘Do not grow weary in doing good!’ ”

“Mother, I can assure you that my faith is strong enough that I will not fall into temptation with this handsome young man.”

“Then why do you look at him with such desire?”

“Is it that evident?”

Prisca raised her eyebrows, her expression saying more than words ever could.

Valeria shook her head. “I do not know why Daza has such a powerful effect on me. Perhaps there is a familiarity about him because he is so much like Galerius, and yet … younger, handsomer.”

Prisca shook her head. “Fortunately, our days here are few. With his good looks and position, this young man is dangerous, especially if you consider that Romula raised him.” Prisca watched him chatting animatedly with Galerius. “Daza is far too clever for you. Just stay by your husband’s side; when he is unavailable, come to me. I will protect you.”

“Do you really believe I need protection?”

“I most certainly do. Now I understand why God has sent me to live with you in Thessalonica. I am to be your protector so you will not destroy your life.”

“Why do you worry? We do not even know if Daza plans to take up residence in Thessalonica. I am sure someone of his youth and physical stamina is an excellent soldier, much needed in Galerius’ ranks.”

“Just so you know, I will be watching you like a hawk watches a floundering rabbit.”

“Well, your assignment is about to begin. Daza has gone to ask Galerius’ permission to dance with me.”

Prisca’s eyes narrowed. “You will have no choice in the matter. You must dance with him if Galerius grants his permission, but I will be watching your every step.”

“Would it shock you if I confessed that I desire to be alone with him?”

“No, it would not shock me, but you are such a foolish young girl to even say such a thing.”

“Am I? Is it not common knowledge that most of the ladies in the court have indulged in relationships with their male servants while their husbands are away at battle? And no one thinks anything of it. So why can I not enjoy the same pleasure?”

“It may be a common practice among the court,” Prisca hissed, leaning close to her daughter, “but it is not true of all the ladies. I have never been unfaithful to your father, nor was Eugenia ever unfaithful to Octavius. We would never give in to the desires of the flesh. We are Christians and are therefore held to a higher standard.”

“But Father was a peasant, a soldier, when the two of you met and fell in love. You were allowed to marry the man you loved, but I was not. Have you no mercy for me, Mother?”

“Oh, my darling, I pray for you constantly. I know your circumstances are difficult.”

“Difficult at best … and at times, unbearable. If I am forced to make love to my husband tonight, I will close my eyes and pretend he is Mauritius or Daza—anyone but Galerius.”

Prisca’s eyes flashed with obvious shock and anger, and then they softened as she lifted Valeria’s hand and kissed it. “This is not the life I had dreamed for you, my precious daughter, but I do know that it is the life God has ordained for you. I wanted you to know the love of a man like I have enjoyed with your father, and I am confident that one day you will find deep and abiding love with Galerius.”

Hot tears stung the back of Valeria’s eyelids. “Something inside of me died the day Father told me of Mauritius’ fate. Then today I met Daza, and I began to feel alive again.”

“Hush,” her mother whispered. “Here he comes. Just remember, I will be watching your every move—and his.”

Daza was all smiles when he returned to inform Valeria that her husband had not only granted his permission, but he had also thanked him for escorting his wife. The arrogant young man took her hand, sending a charge through her body that made her tremble. On the dance floor, he swung her around and pulled her so close that Valeria could feel his heart beating in perfect rhythm with her own as they moved gracefully among the dancing throng.

“You are trembling,” Daza whispered in her ear. “I feel your desire.”

“I am trembling because my mother is watching us.”

His face registered shock and surprise. “You told her … about us?”

“First of all, there is no ‘us,’ and I did not have to tell her anything. She sensed the attraction we have for one another, which worries me all the more.”

“Ah, so you do admit that you have an attraction for me?”

Valeria blushed and ignored the question. “I fear that Galerius will sense it too.”

“He is far too preoccupied with the affairs of the empire to pay us any attention.”

“Turn around, and you will see that he watching us now.”

He swung her around on the dance floor until he had a clear view of Galerius. “So he is, but I think he is admiring what a lovely couple we are together—or maybe what a beautiful wife he has.” Daza nuzzled her cheek with his chin. “There is not a woman in this world as lovely as you.”

“Nor is there a man …” Valeria stopped mid-sentence, shocked at herself for uttering the impulsive words. If only she could take them back!

“Ah, so you do not deny that you desire me!” He pressed his cheek closer to hers, but she jerked her face away.

“I cannot deny it, but alas you are forbidden fruit.”

He pressed his hand into the small of her back and pulled her closer. “But your sister Eve eventually took a bite of the apple.”

“I see you are familiar with the Scriptures.”

“Octavius made sure of it. And for your love, I would gladly serve your God.”

Valeria shot him a look. “What would your grandmother say about that?”

“I do not care what Romula thinks. I am not a mama’s boy like Galerius. I am my own person. The woman has no influence whatsoever on me. I can protect you from her evil schemes.”

“I cannot help but wonder if Romula has put you up to pursuing me so she can discredit me in my husband’s eyes.”

“Nothing would please her more, but I would not be a part of any such scheme. I am pursuing you on my own accord.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I could never live without you.”

“Please do not utter those words,” Valeria warned, placing her finger upon his lip.

He seized the opportunity to kiss her finger, and Valeria twisted her neck around to see if her mother was watching. Fortunately, someone had greeted Prisca and she had turned away momentarily. Valeria then turned her head the other way and was relieved to see that Galerius was deep in conversation with her father.

Daza held her more tightly and whispered in her ear, “I cannot … I
will
not live without you.”

To her relief, before she could respond, the music stopped. Valeria politely thanked Daza for the dance, and then turned and hurried toward her mother without a backward glance.

V
aleria lay in her empty bed, staring into the darkness. She was not surprised that Galerius had not come to her room since her outburst over Octavius the day before. They had made the pretense of being the happy couple at his daughter’s wedding, but for the most part, he had ignored her. Unless her father intervened, she had doubts that she would ever share a bed with her husband again. That also meant she would likely never conceive a child. Perhaps if she apologized he would return to her.

She considered how she had been drawn to Galerius the first time she heard him speak to an audience, his oratorical skills commanding nearly as much respect as his new position as Caesar. She also recalled every sweet detail of their delayed wedding night, when they had finally consummated their marriage. But no matter how hard she tried to keep her thoughts focused on her husband at his finest, he paled in comparison to Daza.

She shut her eyes and tried in vain to block out the image of the smile on the young man’s handsome face when he had returned to claim his right to dance with her. With thoughts
of Daza still teasing her mind, she admitted to herself that she was in no mood to apologize to Galerius and invite him back into her bed. Because it was not her husband she yearned for; she wanted his son in her bed. Had she not dreamed of having Mauritius by her side instead of her husband? And yet she had still managed to enjoy her marriage to Galerius.

It is because Mauritius is dead
, she told herself.
And our love was pure and good—unlike what I feel for Daza. Oh, why can I not stop thinking of that horrid man? I do not want to want Daza— yet I do, desperately! Help me, God! Forgive me and help me, please!

With her mind now focused on God, she hoped that, at least for tonight, she could remain faithful to her marriage vows, even within the privacy of her thoughts.

Eugenia was still in mourning, but it was the queasiness in her stomach more than anything else that kept her confined to her room. Valeria missed her terribly. How she longed to pour out her heart to her faithful friend, to confide in the woman who was so like an older sister to her! But how could she? Poor Eugenia had enough to cope with in her own life, and Valeria knew it would be unfair to burden her with anything more.

She had considered talking again to her mother, but she was afraid Prisca might go to the emperor or even Galerius in an effort to remedy the situation. Valeria could not even imagine what that could mean to family relations. No, it was best she handle it on her own, and with God’s help, she was certain she could.

As Valeria sat next to Galerius at breakfast that morning, she attempted to win him back and forget about Daza. She
stayed as near to her husband as possible, although he continued to ignore her. She toyed with the eggs in front of her, stirring them with a silver spoon but not interested enough to scoop any into her mouth. Even the bowl of peeled and sliced fruit that sat before her offered little temptation. She only wished her lack of appetite was due to the same reason Eugenia did not want to eat. Oh, how she ached for her friend’s loss, but how she envied the impending birth of Eugenia’s baby!

Of course, she had her stepson, Candidianus, and she grew to love him more each day. What a precious baby he was! Their bond was deepening, and she had to admit that she so looked forward to the day when he would call her “Mama.” At the same time, Valeria could not help but continue to agonize over the pain the boy’s real mother endured in the name of political expediency.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Galerius laid his hand on her arm and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “I must excuse myself. I will see you for lunch on the terrace.”

Valeria nodded absently, knowing that Galerius was going to a strategy meeting with her father and some of the military leaders, who had gathered at the wedding. Perhaps she would have the servants fix something special for Galerius for later. If she busied herself overseeing the preparation, she would not have time to allow her thoughts to wander where they had no business going.

And then she saw him. Even as Galerius strode across the room to meet Diocletian near the doorway, Valeria was shocked to discover Daza standing right before her. When had he come in? How had she missed his entrance? And why now, just as her husband left her?

Oh, Father
, she cried silently,
I am no match for this man’s greedy seduction! Help me!

“Are you all right, my dear?”

Startled, Valeria glanced up to her side, where Prisca stood, cool and erect, a sentry come to do her duty. Valeria felt herself relax.

“Thank You,” she whispered, as much to her mother as to God. “I am fine … now.”

Prisca nodded, her knowing gaze cutting through to Valeria’s soul. For once she did not mind.

“I have already had my breakfast,” Prisca said, her eyes darting from her daughter to the uneaten food on the table and then back again, “but I see you have not finished yours. I will join you, and we can have a nice visit while you eat.”

The empress moved her eyes from Valeria to Daza; Valeria’s eyes followed. The attractive young man’s hungry gaze had changed to an innocent smile, as Valeria introduced him to her mother. Daza responded with effusive charm, but it was obvious that Prisca knew his intentions and was not impressed. He ducked his head briefly in Valeria’s direction before turning to walk away, but she had not missed the promise in his eyes that he would be back. The thought froze her heart with fear, even as her blood ran hot through her veins.

She did not have long to wait. Valeria was scarcely halfway down the hall on her way to see Eugenia when Daza intercepted her. It was as if he were invisible, or could blend into the walls. One minute he was not in sight—and then he was. It unnerved her nearly as much as the brazen look of desire on his face. How was it he could leer at her that way and feel no shame, knowing she was married to the man who was his adoptive father? What kind of man coveted the wife of the man who was one of his closest relatives and also his benefactor?

Worse yet, what kind of woman betrayed her husband in her mind, lusting after a younger, more handsome and virile man, even as she dared to call herself a Christian? For that was exactly what she was doing, as she stopped in her tracks, less than a foot from the man who lured her with his eyes and drew her with his passion. What a horrible person she must be to want him so!

“I am on my way to visit Eugenia,” he told her.

“Then I will leave you two to visit and come back later.”

He grabbed her arm and pulled her against him, brushing her lips with a quick kiss that promised more. “No, please join me. I fear my visit will be too emotional for Eugenia. It would be good if you were there.”

Valeria hesitated, knowing she should rush away but unable somehow to move. “I suppose you are right,” she said, telling herself she had agreed for Eugenia’s sake.

When they arrived at Eugenia’s room, their mutual friend was sitting up in bed. She smiled when they walked in. “Two of my favorite people! Please, come in.”

Valeria kissed Eugenia, but Daza was much more affectionate. He gave Eugenia a bear hug, practically lifting her off the bed. He planted kisses all over her face and fussed with her pillows, making sure she was comfortable, and then took her hand and held it while they spoke.

“So the two of you have met,” Eugenia smiled, dismissing Daza’s exuberant and emotional display as she eyed them both.

Valeria blushed and nodded, hoping Eugenia would not detect her true feelings.

“I am truly sorry about Octavius,” Daza said. “I believe I miss him nearly as much as you do.”

Eugenia’s voice shook as she asked, “Why could you not have stopped it?”

“I tried, but Galerius … he was determined to make an example of Octavius. The battle was not going well, and Galerius was convinced it was because his pagan gods were angry that the Christians were not making sacrifices. I begged Octavius to reconsider and make the sacrifices along with a sign of the cross, but he was adamant that he would not compromise. This time, Galerius was determined that Octavius would sacrifice or die.”

“Was Octavius afraid? Did he suffer?”

“He exhibited amazing courage, even in his last moments. You would have been so proud. He was not afraid, but praised his God continuously. He asked me to tell you that his last thoughts were of you when he stepped up to meet his executioner. His death was quick, over in seconds. I daresay he did not suffer.”

Eugenia bit her lip. “I am trying to forgive Galerius, but it is so difficult.”

“Forgive him? That is impossible.”

“Humanly, yes, but with God, all things are possible. He commands that we forgive, and He provides the strength to do so.”

“You ladies serve a strange God.” He looked at Valeria and shook his head, then turned back to Eugenia. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

Eugenia got straight to the point. “The greatest gift you can give to me and to the memory of my husband is to give your life to Jesus Christ, the One for whom Octavius died.”

Appearing uncomfortable, Daza stood to his feet. “I will consider it.” He leaned over to kiss Eugenia goodbye. “Take care of yourself and the baby.”

“How did you know about the baby?” She glanced in Valeria’s direction. “Did you tell him?”

Valeria nodded.

“I will look out for the boy, and one day when I am Caesar, perhaps I will adopt him as my own, so he too can be a great Caesar.” Daza smiled. “But for now, I must go. We are preparing to return to the battlefield tomorrow.”

“I will pray for you,” Eugenia promised.

When the women were alone, Valeria asked, “Do you like Daza?”

“What is not to like? I adore him. Can you only imagine what a great leader he would become if he embraces Christianity? It was Octavius’ greatest hope. There is no doubt that Galerius will make him his Caesar when he becomes emperor.”

“But is Daza a man of character?”

“As much as is possible for a pagan.”

“But he said he was not a pagan.”

“True. He is more of a Platonic thinker, but their beliefs are far different from ours, spiritually and morally.” Eugenia’s eyes narrowed as she stared at Valeria. “The two of you have conversed, I see.”

Valeria felt her face turn crimson.

Eugenia pointed a finger. “You must stay away from Daza. He is a good friend, but you are too vulnerable to resist his charms. And I know for certain that he is far too weak to resist your beauty.”

“You are too late,” Valeria admitted. “I must confess that I desire him more than words can say.”

Eugenia’s mouth flew open. “What? You have not—”

“No, but I have tasted his kisses and been sorely tempted. Please pray for me! The men are leaving tomorrow. If I can just resist him another day, I will be safe.”

Eugenia frowned. “I am disappointed in you. Stay away from him, here with me in my room.”

“I cannot. I have promised Galerius that I will have lunch with him.”

“That is a blessing. Promise me you will beg Galerius’ forgiveness.”

“I cannot promise, but I will try. I am safe for lunch, but I have no doubt that Daza will seek me out. He has an uncanny way of finding me alone. And I cannot deny, I long to be with him.”

“Then you must not be alone until he leaves for battle. The Scriptures promise that God will not allow you to be tempted more than you can bear. Please know that I will be praying for you.”

Valeria nodded, and then hugged her friend and left. Outside Eugenia’s door, she leaned against the wall to compose herself before going to meet her husband. She still had to walk from Eugenia’s room to her quarters.
Will Daza be waiting for me around the corner?
Before she could shoot up a silent prayer, he appeared, placing his hands on the wall on either side of her and leaning in until he was only inches from her, his breath sweet and warm while his lips teased her with promise.

He is going to kiss me again
,
and oh, how I long for him to do so! But I cannot!
“I must not—”

But he closed the gap between them and softly, gently pressed his lips against hers, silencing her and becoming more insistent when she did not immediately resist. Soon she was returning his passion, eagerly throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him close. She knew she was wrong, knew her actions were dangerous, yet she could not seem to stop. In truth, she did not want to stop.
Perhaps that is why it seems God no longer hears my prayers.