Thoughtless (35 page)

He gazed back at me sadly, a new tear spilling from his eye and rolling down his cheek. I leaned over and kissed the tear away. As I was pulling back, he turned his head and our lips brushed together.

Overwhelmed with sympathy for his pain, intoxicated by his sudden nearness, I left his lips on mine. My hands were still on his cheeks, we were still sitting close together on the grass, and our closed lips were pressed together, but neither one of us was moving. I wasn’t even sure we were breathing. We must have looked very odd, if anyone had been there to look our way.

Eventually, he inhaled through his lips, causing them to slightly part against mine. My response was involuntary, instinctual and immediate –

I kissed him. I moved my lips softly against his, feeling his warmth, his softness, his breath.

He didn’t hesitate. He immediately returned my kiss, moved his lips equally as soft against mine. His passion quickly overcame him however, and he grabbed my neck, pulling me in for a deep kiss. His tongue flashed against mine, just once. I groaned with how good it felt, how much I wanted it, but I forced myself to push him away. I made myself not be angry. I had started this one.

He immediately started apologizing. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought…I thought you changed your mind.” His eyes looked fearful.

“No…that was my fault.” Things were picking up between us; lines were blurring faster and faster. Even now, watching his anxious face, my heart was beating harder, my lips burned with the memory of his on mine. “I’m sorry, Kellan. This isn’t working.” He leaned towards me and grabbed my arm. “No, please. I’ll do better, I’ll be stronger. Please don’t end this. Please don’t leave me…”
271

I bit my lip, my heart in pain over his aching words, his frantic face.

“Kellan…”

“Please.” His eyes searched my face. I wanted to reach out and kiss him again, anything to take his pain away.

“This isn’t fair.” A tear fell down my cheek, and I stopped him from brushing it away. “This isn’t fair to Denny. This isn’t fair to you.” I felt a sob rising. “I’m being cruel to you.”

He sat up on his knees and grabbed both of my hands in his. “No…no you’re not. You’re giving me more than…just don’t stop this.” I gazed at him, dumbfounded. “What
is
this to you, Kellan?” He looked down and didn’t answer my question. “Please…” Finally, his voice and face caved me in. I couldn’t take causing him pain. “Okay…okay, Kellan.”

He looked up and smiled charmingly at me. I sat up on my knees and laced my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a tight embrace, hoping that I knew what I was doing.

I pushed all thoughts of the park from my mind, while I went about my shift at Pete’s. Well, I pushed the kiss out of my mind, although, I swear my lips still tingled pleasantly, which concerned me highly. But, no, I wasn’t going to think about that.

I couldn’t quite push back the horrid conversation we’d had though.

My selfish need to know everything about him, had opened up some of his old wounds. I watched him throughout my shift, wondering if he was truly okay. He seemed to be fine, laughing with his band mates, sipping on a beer, one foot propped up on his knee. Same old relaxed Kellan. I frowned, wondering how much of his casualness was real, and how much was a conditioned response to a lifetime of pain.

I thought about that, as I watched him approach the bar to talk to Sam.

He leaned back and Rita slipped him another beer. He glanced back at her and smiled warmly, with a nod of his head. Sam left after a minute
272

and Kellan stayed, quietly sipping his beer at the bar. He casually leaned against it and looked over at me, when I approached to give Rita a quick order.

“So, where are we taking your sister this Saturday?” He leaned back farther onto his elbows, which did wonderful things to his chest and just barely exposed the skin above his waistband. I had the sudden desire to run my fingers down his shirt and feel that bare skin. Rita eyed him hungrily as she took her sweet time making my drinks, her thoughts seemingly in line with mine from the look on her over-tanned face. I hated that look on her.

Rita’s face, combined with talk of my sister’s approaching visit, spoiled the pleasant vision of him in front of me. “I have no idea,” I said grumpily. Truly I’d forgotten her visitation weekend was already upon me. My mind had been a little…preoccupied lately.

He laughed at my expression. “It will be fine, Kiera. We’ll have fun, I promise.” I raised an eyebrow at him and frowned. “Not that much fun…I swear.” He smirked at me playfully.

Griffin suddenly came up behind me and put his arms around my waist. I elbowed him hard in the ribs, making him grunt loudly and Kellan laugh charmingly. “God, Kiera…where’s the love?” he asked indignantly. I rolled my eyes and ignored him.

“Griff, what’s a good club around here?” Kellan asked him. My eyes flashed over to him, alarmed. Griffin’s idea of a good club was probably not the same as mine.

“Ooooohhhh…we going clubbing?” He sat down on a stool next to Kellan, an eager look on his face. His pale eyes practically sparkled with anticipation. He tucked his hair behind his ears. “There’s this strip club in Vancouver, that does this thing with a-”

“No, no.” Kellan quickly (and thankfully) interrupted him. “Not us.” He indicated Griffin and himself and then pointed over to me. “Kiera’s sister is coming up. We need a ‘dance’ club to take her to.” Griffin smiled and nodded at me approvingly. “Sister action…nice!”
273

“Griff…”

Griffin turned back to Kellan and simply said, “Spanks.” Kellan seemed to know what he was talking about. He nodded and looked at me thoughtfully. “Yeah, that would work.” He turned back to Griffin and smacked him on the arm. “Thanks.” Griffin grinned ear to ear. “When are we going?” I started to sputter in protest, but Kellan smoothly smiled and said,

“Bye, Griffin.” Griffin pouted, but did walk away.

I started getting an uneasy feeling in my stomach, as I watched Griffin walk over to a girl and slip his hand up her skirt, earning him a smack on the arm. I didn’t think I wanted to go anywhere he thought was fun.

And Spanks sounded particularly…not fun.

“Spanks? I’m not going to some sex club,” I said quietly, blushing a bit as I met Kellan’s amused eye.

He laughed and shook his head at me. “I love where your mind automatically goes sometimes.” He laughed again. “It’s just a club.” I eyed him warily and he made an X over his heart. “I promise.” He laughed again and for a moment, I could only stare at his attractive smile. Rita smacked my arm, apparently having been trying to get my attention. “Here…your order’s up.” She looked at Kellan while I blushed and grabbing my tray, hurried back to work.

He could be so distracting for me. I needed to watch that.

The next few days after the park flew by smoothly, and thankfully, with no more over-the-line incident, but the feel of his lips on mine still wouldn’t leave me. I needed to watch that too. This was getting really stupid. I was being stupid. I should end this. But he was so… I sighed. I couldn’t end it yet. I liked it too much. My addiction was too strong.

274

Like most evenings, I tried not to watch Kellan as I went about my duties, and like most evenings, I couldn’t help but sneak a peek now and then. Tonight, he was casually sitting back in his chair, spinning a bottle in his hands. Matt was telling him something and Kellan was laughing with him. His loose, carefree smile was amazing. He really was achingly handsome. A few women around him were working up the nerve to talk to him, and I wondered idly which one would. Would he be interested?

Flirt back? He really had toned down the flirting with the bar-flies since our…flirting had started. That thought worried me some. He should. He should have more than what little I gave him. That thought broke my heart though.

I realized I was frowning at him, at the exact same time he looked over at me. I tried to fix my face, but he’d already seen. He slowly got up, and walked over to where I was wiping off a table. The women, who had looked about ready to finally make their move, seemed highly disappointed.

He walked up close to me in the packed bar. “Hey.” He put his hand close to mine on the table, letting our fingers touch.

“Hi.” I looked up at him shyly, wishing I could put an arm around him. I settled with standing and stepping closer to him, so that our bodies were touching.

He smiled down at me, his finger lightly stroking my pant leg as I stood uncharacteristically close to him. “You looked like you were thinking of something…unpleasant. Anything you want to talk about?” His eyes suddenly seemed almost sad and almost…hopeful. It was strange. I had no idea what to make of it.

I started to reply to him, when Griffin came up to us from the bar, clapping Kellan on the shoulder. Kellan immediately stepped away from me.

“Oh, man, you have got to see this little hottie at the bar.” He bit his knuckle. “She totally wants me…think I could nail her in the backroom?” He seemed to ponder that for a moment, while I made a disgusted face and glanced over at her. She was pretty, but she seemed to be staring more at Kellan than Griffin.

275

Griffin seemed to notice this too. “Oh fuck, man! Did you already bang her? God, I hate getting your seconds. They never shut up about…” He didn’t have a chance to explain what women never shut up about, as Kellan smacked him hard in the chest.

“Griff!”

“Dude, what?” Griffin looked confused.

Kellan didn’t say anything else, he just kind of flung his hands in my direction. Irritation flashed in me. Had he been with that woman? Then guilt filled me. We were just friends, I didn’t own him. What did it matter?

“Oh, hey, Kiera.” Griffin said it like he hadn’t noticed me until just then, and like he hadn’t said anything even remotely crude or offensive, which in his mind, he probably hadn’t. He clapped Kellan on the shoulder again, and turned to walk back to the woman, apparently going to give it a shot anyway.

Kellan actually looked sheepish and not saying anything else, turned and walked back to his table.

I spent the rest of my shift wondering if Kellan had been with that girl.

Wondering if I was just another in a long line of girls. Wondering what women never shut up about. Wondering at Kellan’s silence after Griffin left. Wondering about the weird look on his face before Griffin even showed up. Wondering if I was being a complete moron by letting our flirtations continue. Wondering why the whole night left an icy pit in my stomach. Wondering why I spent so much time, wondering about Kellan…

Feeling odd at the end of the night, I had Jenny give me a ride home instead of Kellan, who had of course, sweetly offered to stay until I was done working. He had yawned a couple of times as he left the bar though, quickly glancing at me with a small smile before flitting outside, so I was mildly surprised when I finally did get home, and he swiftly pulled me into his bedroom as I walked by the open door. He’d apparently stayed up to see me.

276

He quietly closed the door and playfully backed me into it, in one smooth move. Then with a hand pressed against the door on each side of my body, he leaned into me until our lips were just inches apart. He held that position, mouth slightly parted, breathing softly into my face.

“Sorry about Griffin,” he whispered. “He can be…kind of, well, an ass.” He smiled breathtakingly.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think to answer him. I wanted to ask about the girl, but aching froze my body. I couldn’t even move my arms to push him away. I was trapped against the door, held in place by his sensual body, and my body had shifted into overdrive. I was overdosing on my addiction. He was too close…much too close. I needed a minute, I just couldn’t find the words to say it.

“What were you thinking about earlier?” He obliviously whispered, still inches from my face.

I tried to speak, to tell him to back off, to give me space so I could think again, but I was frozen, speechless. He was so close…he smelled so good. My breath quickened and he noticed.

“Kiera, what are you thinking about, right now?” His breath, so light against my skin, made me shudder. “Kiera?”

He eyed me up and down and then pressed his body firmly to mine. I gasped, but the words still didn’t come out. His hands ran down my shoulders and then my waist, to rest at my hips. His lips parted and his breathing sped up as he watched my eyes with an increasing passion.

My lips parted as I struggled to slow my own breathing. I needed to stop this, I needed to speak…

“Kiera…say something.” His words exactly echoed my thoughts.

His eyes seemed to struggle with something for just a fraction of a second. Then he lowered his forehead to mine, breathing softly, but intensely on me. He pressed one knee between mine, closing every gap between us. A moan stubbornly escaped my lips, but still no words were forming. Making a noise deep in his throat, he bit his lip and started
277

running both hands up under my shirt. This wasn’t innocent flirting anymore. This wasn’t innocent at all.

“Please…say something. Do you…? Do you want me to-” Abruptly, he roughly exhaled and bent his head slightly, to run his tongue lightly along the inside of my upper lip, sliding his fingers up over my bra, then around to my back. I sighed raggedly, closing my eyes. Making another deep noise, he kissed my upper lip, slipping his tongue lightly into my mouth. I shuddered and gasped and he lost all control. He brought a hand to my neck and exhaling roughly again, kissed me fully, pulling me into him.

His lips fully around mine, acted like an adrenaline shot straight to my heart; I was finally free to move again. Panting, I roughly shoved him away from me. This was way beyond my rules and it definitely wasn’t innocent anymore. It was also too late. Whatever this was now - I wanted more.

He held up both hands up, like I might hit him. “I’m sorry. I thought…” he whispered.

I walked right over to him and put one hand on his chest and the other to his neck, pulling him close to me and he stopped talking, stopped breathing. He retreated half-a-step, confused, before I forced him closer to me again. I breathed against him heavily, biting my lip. I watched his eyes go from panic, to confusion, to smoldering. Good, he wanted me. I felt powerful as I watched his mouth part, his breath starting again and increasing to match mine. I knew I could push him back on the bed, and do whatever I wanted to him.

I ran my hands down his incredibly hard chest and pulled on the belt loops of his jeans, until our hips touched. “Kiera…?” he asked raggedly, glancing once to my bedroom, where Denny was sleeping. His hands were still up in the air slightly, like he was surrendering to me.

My resolve wavered at the questioning tone in his voice. Our

“innocent” flirting had been steadily escalating, and I was at the breaking point. I was either going to take him right now, and betray Denny, asleep in the very next room, or I was going to finally end this.

278

I summoned every ounce of will power I had, and breathed huskily in-to his mouth. “Don’t touch me again. I’m not yours.” Then I shoved him hard onto the bed and fled the room, before I changed my mind.

Denny reached out for me when I finally crawled into bed, a few moments later. He sleepily tried to pull me closer to him and I stiffened and roughly pulled away, not wanting his closeness, not wanting anyone’s.

At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

“Hey…are you all right?” he whispered groggily in the dark.

“I’m fine.” I hoped my voice was smooth, it felt shaky to me.

“Okay,” he said softly, as he moved over to kiss my neck. I stiffened again and turned my head away from him. “Kiera…” he said huskily, his fingers trailing up my body, his leg wrapping around mine, his lips moving up to my ear.

I recognized his tone, I recognized his movements. I knew what he wanted from me, and I just…couldn’t. My mind was spinning. Thoughts of Kellan and how close we’d just about come to… How much I still wanted him to… I just couldn’t be with Denny right now. That wasn’t who my body was aching for.

“I’m really tired, Denny. Just go back to sleep, please.” I tried to keep my voice soft and sleep-like, not irritated and riled up, like I truly felt.

He sighed and slumped against me. His fingers stopped moving across my body and rested on my belly. I closed my eyes and hoped I could fall asleep quickly, before my will power faded, and I ran back to Kellan’s room.

Denny breathed softly on my neck and I thought he had fallen asleep again, but then he shifted his weight suggestively, and moved his hand up under my tank top, pulling me tight against him. I shifted irritably under his clinginess. “Denny, I’m serious…not tonight.” He sighed and flopped over onto his back. “Where have I heard that one before?” he muttered, irritated.

279

Annoyed, I snapped, “What?”

He looked over at me and sighed. “Nothing.” Still annoyed, I didn’t let him drop it. I probably should have. “No…if you have something to say to me – then say it.” I propped up on an elbow and glared at him.

He glared back. “Nothing…it’s just…” He looked away. “Don’t you realize how long it’s been since we’ve…” He looked back to me and shrugged sheepishly.

I bit back my angry retort and tried to think about how long it actually had been. I couldn’t remember…

He understood my blank look. “You can’t even remember, can you?” He looked away again, irritated again. “It was the shower, Kiera. We don’t usually go…” He looked back to me and stopped where he had been going, while I felt my face heat. “It’s not that it’s been awhile.

We’ve gone longer…and that doesn’t matter to me.” His eyes searched my face. “It’s that you don’t even seem to care. You don’t seem to miss me at all.”

He looked up at the ceiling. “I thought when I got back from Portland, things would be different.” He glanced over at me. “Honestly, I thought you’d attack me when I got home. But you didn’t…you haven’t. You’ve been so…I don’t know, distant.”

His irritation left him and he gazed at me wistfully, running his fingers down my arm. “I miss you.” His accent curled around the words.

Instantly, remorse took me over and I snuggled close, trying to kiss him, hold him, make love to him…but he pushed me away. Surprised, I could only stare blankly at him.

“No.” He shook his head, his irritation back. “I don’t want you to have sex with me, because you feel guilty. I want you to…” he searched my face again, “want me.”

280

“Denny, I do. I…I just…” I had no idea how to explain what I had been feeling lately. I hadn’t realized we’d gone awhile. I hadn’t realized I’d been cold or distant to him. I
had
been preoccupied, and I hadn’t realized he’d noticed. And I couldn’t tell him why. I couldn’t tell him
who
was occupying my thoughts.

I sat up on my outstretched arm and stared down at him. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

He stared at me a moment and then sighed, and patted the bed under his shoulder. I snuggled up against him and breathed in his rich scent, trying to calm my mind and my heart. “I love you, Kiera,” he whispered and kissed my head.

I nodded and nestled into his chest, wrapping my arms and legs around his body. A tear rolled off my nose to drip onto his shirt. “I love you too, Denny.” I squeezed him tighter, praying that things got better between us. I was right to finally end things with Kellan. I was finally making the right choice.

But even so, and I think, just to torment myself, I dreamed about Kellan that night, that is when I finally did drift off to sleep in my conflicted pool of emotions. I dreamt that I had stayed with him. That I had ripped off his clothes, shoved him onto his bed and taken him. It was a great dream…it was a horrible dream.

Kellan met me in the entryway of the kitchen the next morning and immediately put his hand softly on my arm. “Kiera, I’m sorry. I went too far. I’ll be good.”

I brushed him off. I should have stayed in bed with Denny, but I needed to get this over with. Kellan needed to know…and accept that this was finally over. “No, Kellan. We went way past innocent flirting a long time ago. We can’t go back to that time. We’re not those people anymore. It was a stupid idea to try.”

“But…don’t end this, please.” He cringed and searched my face.

“I have to, Kellan. Denny knows something’s not right. I don’t think he suspects what…or you…but he knows I’ve been distracted.” I bit my
281

lip and looked down. “Denny and I haven’t…done anything, in a long time and he’s hurt. I’m hurting him,” I whispered.

He looked down too. “You don’t have to. I’ve never asked you to not…be with him. I know you two are going to…” He shifted uncomfortably. “I told you, I understand.”

“I know, Kellan, but I’ve been so preoccupied, wrapped up in you…” I sighed heavily. “I’m ignoring him.”

Immediately, he grabbed my arms and pulled me close to him, his eyes searching mine almost frantically. “You’re wrapped up in me. What does that say, Kiera? You want to be with me. You want to be more than friends. Some part of you, wants me too.”

I closed my eyes and tried to block out his pleading face. “Please, Kellan, you’re tearing me in two. I can’t…I can’t do this anymore.” I tried to steady my breathing. I tried to keep the tears from stinging my eyes. I had to keep them firmly closed. If I opened them, if I saw his perfect face, his pleading eyes, I would surely cave again.

“Kiera, look at me…please.” His voice wavered on the end, and I had to squeeze my eyes even tighter together.

“No, I can’t, okay. This isn’t right, it doesn’t feel right. You don’t feel right. Just don’t, please don’t touch me anymore.”

“Kiera, I know you don’t really feel that way.” He pulled me in tight and whispered huskily in my ear. “I know you feel something here…” I opened my eyes, but kept my gaze on his chest as I firmly pushed him back from me. I needed him to leave me alone, and I was going to have to hurt him to do it. “No. I don’t want you. I want to be with him.

I’m in love with
him
.” I looked up to his eyes and instantly wished I hadn’t. He was hurt. His eyes were filling with pain. I almost caved, but I needed to end this. I made myself say it…and hated myself for it. “I’m attracted to you…but I feel nothing for you, Kellan.” He immediately dropped his arms and left, without saying another word.