Thoughtless (34 page)

I lay back down, but nestled into his shoulder, instead of his chest. I grabbed the hand that had been stroking my back and laced my fingers through his, then brought our entwined hands up to my cheek and laid my head on them. He sighed happily and kissed my head again.

“Kellan…?”

“Really, I’m fine, Kiera…”

I looked up at his face. “No, I was just wondering…why do you want to do this with me? I mean, you know it’s not going anywhere…why waste your time?”

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He shifted to look at me better. “No time with you is wasted, Kiera.” His voice was soft, the way he said my name, like a caress. “If this is all…” He smiled sadly and left it at that.

I couldn’t stop gazing at his achingly perfect face. I started remembering every touch, every word… If this is all he had with me, then he would take it. Is that what he meant? It broke my heart. He had wondered if he was hurting me…was I hurting him? Did he just want me, or did he care for me? I released our hands and reached up to stroke his cheek. He looked so sad. I hated it when he looked so sad…

He suddenly leaned over and kissed the very corner of my mouth, barely brushing my bottom lip. He left his head there and breathed lightly down my neck. I was too shocked to react; my thumb was still stroking his cheek. I held my breath. He lowered his lips to my jaw and kissed me softly, then he kissed under my jaw. His hand slipped under the covers and moved to my waist, pulling me closer to him. His breathing increased, as he made a noise in his throat and trailed his lips down my neck. His hand clenched and unclenched my skin and he stopped kissing my throat, pulling back to rest his forehead against mine. His breaths were shallow, his face looked torn; this was clearly against my rules.

“Kiera…?” He struggled for control.

The look on his face, the lingering feeling of his lips on my skin, froze me. He was giving me a chance, right now, but all I could stare at were his eyes, quickly filling with passion, his lips coming closer to mine. His gaze flicked to my eyes, my lips, then back to my eyes. He was so torn, I was mesmerized by it.

My hand still on his cheek moved over, so I could run my fingers across his amazingly soft, partially opened lips. He made a noise and closed his eyes, his breath shallow and fast. I left my fingers there across his lips and he pressed our lips together, my fingers in-between, like we were kissing, without actually kissing. We were going way beyond innocent now. I needed to end this. I needed to get up and go to my room.

This was a horrible idea…

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I couldn’t move though. My breath sped up in response to his. He kissed my fingers softly, his eyes still closed, his breath intense. Just a few more seconds couldn’t hurt anything, I convinced myself. We weren’t really doing anything that wrong. His hand from my waist came up to my wrist. He started to pull my fingers down from his lips.

“I want to feel you…”

He got them partway down, and fully pressed against my upper lip.

That’s when I woke up. I pushed him as far away from me as possible and scrambled out of the bed. He sat up, breathless, and I was startled to realize I was breathless as well.

“Kiera, I’m so sorry. I won’t…” He swallowed a couple times to try and control his breathing.

“No, Kellan…this was a really bad idea. I’m going to go to my room.” I pointed at him. “Alone.”

He started to get up. “Wait…I’m fine, just give me a minute. It will pass…”

I put both arms up. “No…please stay here. I can’t…I can’t do this.

That was too close, Kellan. This is too hard.” I backed up to the door.

“Wait, Kiera…I’ll do better. Don’t…don’t end this…” His eyes were instantly so sad, that I paused.

“I need to be alone tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” He nodded and said nothing further, so I turned and left. Mentally I berated myself. What did I think was going to happen? That was a really stupid idea…this whole thing is a bad idea. As nice as it might feel, it’s not fair to all three of us.

I stared at my ceiling for most of the night, wondering what he was thinking about, what he was doing, if he was sleeping, if I could just crawl back into bed with him, if I should… When I did fall asleep, I dreamed about him in vivid, glorious detail. In my dream, I did not get out of his bed. In my dream, we did very little actual sleeping.

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He knocked on my door early the next morning and opened it when I answered him. He walked into my room and sat on the edge of the bed.

He was in different clothes, dressed and perfect for the day already.

“Mornin’,” he said quietly. “Are you still mad at me?”

“No…” Having him on my bed was too much. The memory of last night, and my vivid dream, still had me weak in the knees. “You shouldn’t be in here, Kellan. It’s disrespectful to Denny.” He chuckled and looked away. “You think, of all the things we’ve done together, that me sitting on his bed is what he would find the most offensive?” He looked back to me as I glared icily at him. “Sorry…okay.” He backed off with his hands held up and stopped in the doorway.

“Better?”

I sat up on the bed, feeling stupid. He was right of course, but still…

“Yes, thank you.”

He sighed and I looked up at him, still standing in the doorway. “I can’t talk to you from here,” he quietly said, holding his hand out for me.

Sighing, I walked over and took it. He smiled and led me downstairs.

On the way, he spoke softly. “I am sorry about last night. You were right, that wasn’t a good idea. I did try though.” He looked over at me hopefully, like he should get a reward for at least trying.

I sighed again as I looked over at him. “This isn’t a game, Kellan,” I said quietly.

He stopped on the bottom step and turned to face me on the step above. “I know that, Kiera.” His tone and look were more serious.

I laced my arms around his neck and he relaxed. “Then don’t take it that far again.” I wasn’t ready for this to end either. “Innocent, remember.”

He smiled and lifted me down to the bottom of the stairs, to stand beside him. “Innocent, right. I can do that.”
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Still smiling, he grabbed my hand and led me to the kitchen. Mentally I sighed, this wasn’t a good plan. I was being an idiot.

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14

Chapter

Tipping Point

We decided to spend our free Saturday together taking an Amtrak up north. I’d never been on a train before and it made me a little nervous at first, until Kellan held my hand. Then I relaxed against him in the seat and we watched the world speed by with the rocking motion of the train.

It was an amazing view, what with the snow-capped mountains in the distance and the greenness of the seemingly abundant Evergreens whizzing by. I loved it here. I’d only been here a few months, but I already loved this State. We got out at a small touristy town and walked around the city hand in hand. Without the fear of someone we knew watching us, we were much closer, and a lot less careful than we usually were with each other.

We stopped often to look out over the river surging beside us or to look into a quaint shop as we walked by it, and he would hold me tight against his chest. I would turn into him and delight in his warmth and tenderness. Something changed between us (again) after last night in his bed. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, just that our gazes were longer, and our touches were, while he was careful to not break any more of my rules, a little more intimate. Lines were starting to blur. It bothered me. It excited me.

Eventually, we made our way back down south so I could go to work.

I sighed as Seattle came back into view. It had been so freeing to be with him openly, with no fear of being caught. I had enjoyed our little outing…and I knew it probably wouldn’t happen again for a long time. I looked up at his face as he gazed out the window. He had a slight frown on his full lips and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing that I was. I watched the sunlight bounce off his eyes, altering the deep blue color into a lighter shade. I smiled at how amazingly beautiful his eyes
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were. He looked down at me then and smiled in return. The urge to kiss him overcame me, and I had to look straight ahead and close my eyes.

“You okay?” he asked softly.

“Motion sickness…it will pass. I just need a minute.” I wasn’t sure why I lied to him. He would have understood if I told him the truth.

Well, honestly he would have understood too much, and I wasn’t positive that after last night, he wouldn’t press his advantage instead of giving me space. And at the moment, I just needed a little space.

I had to keep my eyes closed until the train completely stopped. Honestly, it was just ridiculous how attracted to him I was. Once we were situated, he drove me straight to Pete’s. He stayed at the bar with me until the D-Bags arrived, and they started their set. Kellan had been right about his previous night’s “performance” - the place was buzzing, and I was flitting from person to person all night long. By the end of the night, I was exhausted. I got a ride home with Jenny, instead of Kellan, which I think with the frown he gave me when I told him, may have hurt his feelings a little. But Denny would be home, and even though he’d probably be sleeping, I didn’t want Kellan and me to arrive home together.

After our amazing weekend, I felt like it would be a neon sign of what had passed between us, and I couldn’t risk that. I hoped Kellan wasn’t too hurt.

Denny was home when I got there. Kellan was not, which made me frown slightly as I walked up the stairs. Denny was sitting up in bed, watching TV like he’d been waiting for me. “Hey, babe,” he said warmly, his accent rich in his tiredness, as he held his arms open for me.

I ignored the pit in my stomach that my free time with Kellan was now over (and where was he anyway), and swallowing a sigh, I crawled on top of the bed to snuggle in Denny’s arms. He rubbed my back and told me about his trip. I fell asleep against his chest, fully dressed, while he talked about his conference and his jerk of a boss. As sleep swam over me, I thought I heard him say my name in a questioning tone, but I was too exhausted from my weekend to resist the pull, and I succumbed to it.

I hoped Denny wasn’t too hurt by that.

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A couple of days later, Kellan and I were spending some free time together after school, before I had to go into work. We sat close together on the grass in a secluded area of what we now considered “our” park near school. We met here frequently between classes, or sometimes afterwards. We’d stay in his car and listen to the radio, if it was raining, or grab a blanket from his trunk and sit out on the grass, if it was nice.

Today, it was sunny, but it was cold, and as a result our park was mostly empty. Kellan and I sat close together on his blanket atop the crisp lawn, huddled in our jackets after just having finished our espressos, enjoying the chilly day and each other’s warm presence.

Kellan played with my fingers, a small smile on his lips. Curiosity overcame my common sense and I quietly asked him, “That song the other weekend, the kind of intense one…it’s not really about a woman, is it?” He looked up at me, surprised. “Denny,” I explained. “He told me what happened, while he was staying with your family. The song was about you, wasn’t it? You and your dad?”

Kellan nodded and looked out over the quiet park, remaining silent.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked timidly.

Still looking away from me, he quietly said, “No.” My heart broke at the haunted look in his eyes. I hated myself for what I was about to say, but I so desperately wanted him to open up to me.

“Will you anyway?”

He sniffed, then looked down at the grass. He picked up a blade and twirled it idly in his fingers. Slowly, he turned to face me. I tensed, wondering if he would be angry. As his eyes met mine however, all I saw were years of sadness. “There’s nothing to talk about, Kiera.” His voice was soft, but full of emotion. “If Denny told you what he saw, what he did for me, then you know as much as anyone.” Not quite willing to let it go, I said, “Not as much as you.” He watched me silently, his eyes begging for me to not ask anything else. I did anyway, hating myself for it. “Did he hit you often?”
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Not looking away from my eyes, he swallowed and nodded his head, once.

“Very badly?” As if just any hit wasn’t bad enough, I thought, irritated at my own question. He was motionless for so long, that I thought he wasn’t going to answer me, but then, he nodded his head slightly, just once.

“Since you were little?” A single nod again, his eyes glistening now.

I swallowed, willing myself to stop asking him painful questions that he obviously did not want to answer. “Didn’t your mom ever try to stop him…help you?”

He shook his head no, a tear rolling down his cheek.

My eyes watered, the tears threatening to spill. Please stop this, I begged myself. You’re hurting him. “Did it end, when Denny left?” I whispered, hating myself even more.

He swallowed and shook his head no again. “It got worse…so much worse,” he whispered, finally speaking. Another tear fell from his eye, sparkling in the sunlight.

Wondering how a parent could possibly do that to a child, how a mother could possibly allow it - not give her own life to protect her only son, I inadvertently whispered, “Why?”

With dead eyes, Kellan whispered, “You’d have to ask them.” Tears spilled down my cheeks now, and he watched them fall. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a tight hug. “I’m so sorry, Kellan,” I whispered in his ear, as he put his arms loosely around me.

“It’s okay, Kiera,” he said brokenly. “It was years ago. They haven’t hurt me in a long time.”

By his reaction, I didn’t think that was true. I held him close, feeling his body shake lightly against mine. His cheeks were wet when I did pull
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back. I wiped them dry and held his face in my hands, gazing at him, and trying to picture how awful his childhood had been, trying to imagine his pain. I couldn’t though. My own childhood had been happy and full of wonderful memories. My parents were overprotective, yes, but warm and loving people.