The Happiness Trap (16 page)

‘It’s like I’m in a bad dream or losing my mind. Nothing seems real. And I feel like something terrible is going to happen. First I go all dizzy and light-headed and I can’t think straight. Then my face gets hot and I get these “pins and needles” in my hands and feet. Then my chest goes all tight and my heart starts beating like crazy and I’m sure I’m going to faint or have a heart attack. So I go outside to get some air. But I can’t seem to breathe properly. It’s like I’m suffocating.’

This is Rachel, the secretary you met in Chapter 11, describing one of her panic attacks. During a panic attack, many people experience symptoms such as a racing heart, facial flushing, tightness in the chest, light-headedness, tingling hands and feet, a sense of unreality, fears of fainting or dying or going crazy, and a frightening sensation of being unable to breathe.

As we discussed in Chapter 11, a major part of the problem here is the struggle switch, which creates anxiety about anxiety. But a not her, really major part of the problem is rapid, shallow breathing, technically known as ‘hyperventilation’. Whenever we feel stressed, upset, angry or anxious, our breath rate increases. This is part of the fight-or-flight response, which we covered in Chapter 10—the increased breath rate gives us increased oxygen in our blood, which helps us prepare either to fight or to run away. But this alters the levels of the gases in our bloodstream, creating a chemical imbalance in the body. And this imbalance triggers a whole series of physical changes in the body, including increased heart rate, increased blood pressure and increased muscle tension.

And this is why I ask you to practise
slow, deep breathing
with every breathing exercise in this book. By breathing slowly when you’re stressed, you will reduce the level of tension in your body. This won’t get rid of or control your unpleasant emotions, but it will help you to handle them more effectively. Moreover, as we will explore in this chapter, your breathing can be a powerful aid in connection—an anchor that steadies you in the midst of emotional storms. So slow, deep breathing is useful for all of us whenever we’re stressed in any way. But it’s especially important at times when you feel as if you can’t breathe properly.

If you’re so stressed that you feel unable to breathe properly—as though you’re not getting enough oxygen, or you need some fresh air, or you somehow just can’t open up your lungs—then the problem is probably this:
you’re breathing so fast that you’re not giving your lungs a chance to empty!
If you don’t empty your lungs, then you can’t breathe in properly, because you’re trying to suck air into a space that’s already mostly full. So the first thing you need to do is
breathe out
—fully and completely exhale, emptying your lungs as much as is physically possible. Once they’re empty, you can take a full breath in. And the slower you can take these breaths, the better, because you’re helping to rebalance the gases in your bloodstream.

The one thing to be wary of is trying to use your breathing as a control strategy; that is, as a way to get rid of unpleasant emotions or create feelings of relaxation. As with all the other acceptance techniques in this book, relaxation will often arise as a byproduct—but don’t expect it or strive for it, or you’ll fall right back into the whole vicious cycle of control.

Breathing is wonderful. Not only does it keep you alive, it
reminds
you that you’re alive. How do you feel on a crisp, clear morning when you stop and take a breath of fresh air? How do you feel when you breathe a deep sigh of relief after some stressful event? Your breathing never stops until the day you die and that makes it a perfect aid to help you stay connected.

In a moment I’m going to ask you to take six slow, deep breaths and empty your lungs as much as possible. Once you’ve emptied your lungs, don’t force the in-breath, otherwise you will over-inflate them. (You’ll know if this happens, because your chest will feel uncomfortably full.) After a full out-breath, just breathe in gently and your lungs will fill comfortably by themselves. As you breathe in you should notice your tummy pushing outward. (This tells you that you’re using your diaphragm. The diaphragm helps the lungs to inflate by ‘pushing down’ your stomach, to make more room in the chest.) As you breathe, connect with the movements of your chest and stomach. Notice what you can feel as they rise and fall. Okay, now put the book down and take six slow, deep breaths.

What did you notice? Probably one of the following:

Hopefully, you experienced one or more of the first five reactions. But if you experienced the last one, don’t be concerned. The more you’re in the habit of shallow, rapid breathing, the stranger or more difficult this exercise will seem. And if you’re an especially rapid breather, it may at first give you a feeling of dizziness or discomfort. If this is true for you, then it’s all the more important for you to practise. If you practise taking ten to twenty deep breaths in this manner, every hour or two throughout the day, then within about a week it’ll feel much more natural and comfortable.

Tuning in to your breathing like this can help you ‘step out of the rat race’ for a few moments; to slow down, let go and collect yourself. More importantly, it can help you connect with what’s happening
here and now.
To demonstrate this, I’m going to ask you to do the exercise again, but with a twist. First read the instructions.

Take six slow, deep breaths. For the first three breaths, focus on your chest and abdomen; connect with your breathing. For the next three breaths, expand your focus, so that as well as being aware of your beathing, you’re also connecting fully with your environment; that is, while noticing your breathing, also notice what you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. Ready? Put the book down and give it a go.

What did you notice? Most people report that they feel far more ‘present’—more connected with where they are and what they’re doing. Now, here’s another variation on the exercise. Again, read the instructions first before trying it.

This time take nine slow, deep breaths. For the first three breaths, focus on your breathing. For the next three breaths, focus on your breathing and also
notice
what thoughts are running through your mind. (Whatever they are, just let them be.) For the final three breaths, focus on your breathing and also scan your body and notice what you can feel. (Whatever you feel, just make room for it.) Okay. Put the book down and give it a go.

This variation on the exercise gives you a rapid way to increase self-awareness, accept what you’re feeling and thinking, and gather your wits so you’re not on autopilot.

Now, here’s one more variation, which requires twelve breaths. This is the most important of all these breathing exercises, so don’t skip it.

Take twelve slow, deep breaths. For the first three breaths, focus on your breathing. For the next three breaths, notice your breathing and also
notice
what thoughts are running through your mind. (Whatever they are, just let them be.) For the next three breaths, notice your breathing and also
scan
your body and
notice
what you feel. (Whatever you feel, just make room for it.) For the final three breaths, as well as connecting with your breathing,
connect
with your environment. Notice what you can see, hear, taste, touch and smell, as well as staying aware of your breathing. Ready? Put the book down now and give it a go.

The idea of Breathing to Connect is to increase self-awareness, accept what you’re thinking and feeling, and connect with where you are and what you’re doing. Once you’ve done this, you’re in the best psychological space to take effective—that is, life-enhancing—action, if that should seem like the thing to do right then.

Breathing to Connect doesn’t have to be exactly twelve breaths; you can shorten or lengthen the exercise as you like. So from now on, instead of the Ten Deep Breaths technique (from Chapter 7), start Breathing to Connect throughout the day. Practise it at traffic lights, while waiting in line, before you get out of bed in the morning, during your lunchbreak, while your computer is booting up, while you’re waiting for your husband to get ready to go out.

Try longer and shorter versions of the exercise. At traffic lights you might have time for only three or four slow, deep breaths. In a slow-moving grocery line, you may have time for 30 or more. You don’t have to keep an exact count or follow the order precisely as described above.

In particular, start Breathing to Connect whenever you’re stressed or whenever you realise you’re all caught up in thoughts and feelings. In the midst of a tense situation, even one deep breath can give you precious seconds to collect your wits.

If I am with a client who tells me that he intends to go and kill himself, I naturally feel a surge of anxiety. Now, it won’t help my client if I get carried away by my thoughts and feelings. So I immediately take one slow, deep breath and during those few seconds I make room for my anxiety, allow my thoughts to fade into the background and focus my attention firmly on my client. And until the crisis is resolved, I keep breathing slowly and deeply, allowing my thoughts and feelings to come and go as I remain fully connected with what I’m doing. In this way my breathing acts as an anchor. It doesn’t get rid of my anxiety, but it stops me from getting carried away. It’s like a constant, soothing presence in the background, while my attention is focused on taking effective action.

Remember Donna, whose husband and child died in a car crash? For many months afterward, feelings of sadness would suddenly surge within her, out of the blue. Donna found that even one deep breath could give her a foothold to stop that wave of sadness from sweeping her away. She could then breathe into the sadness, make room for it and reconnect with her experience here and now. Often this sadness triggered a strong urge to drink alcohol. And here again, even one deep breath made a difference. It gave her a few precious seconds to realise what was happening. Then she could make a conscious choice as to whether or not she would act on that urge.

Remember Michelle, whose life revolved around trying to push away deep feelings of unworthiness? Her boss frequently asked her to do extra work and she had always stayed late to do it, trying to prove that she was worthy. As therapy progressed, Michelle wanted to break this habit, because she realised it was taking valuable time away from her family. (And also there was no extra pay for all that extra work!) Saying yes to her boss was a hard habit to break. She’d been doing it her entire working life and the thought of saying no brought up all sorts of fears. (‘What if he gets angry?’ ‘What if he thinks I’m lazy?’) But Michelle was willing to feel that fear in order to take her life in the direction she wanted.

Well, the next time her boss made an urgent request only ten minutes before the close of the day, Michelle felt an immediate urge to say yes. But this time she didn’t. Instead she took a long, deep breath. Those few seconds were enough for her to collect her wits and say, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do that now. I have to go home. I’ll deal with it first thing tomorrow morning.’

Her boss looked astounded. Michelle’s anxiety skyrocketed and her mind started telling her all sorts of horror stories. But she connected with her breathing, made room for her thoughts and feelings, and remained focused on the situation at hand. There was an awkward pause that seemed to last several hours and then, to Michelle’s astonishment, her boss just smiled and said, ‘That’ll be fine.’

If you really want to get super-duper, whiz-bang brilliant at connection, put aside ten minutes every day to practise Breathing to Connect, as outlined below.

Sit or lie comfortably with your eyes closed. For the first six minutes connect with your breathing. Notice the gentle rise and fall of your rib cage and follow the air as it flows in and out of your lungs. Let any thoughts and feelings come and go, and each time you notice that your attention has wandered, gently refocus. (You’ll need to do this again and again ... and again.) For the next three minutes expand your awareness, so that you’re aware of your body and your feelings as well as your breathing. For the final minute open your eyes and connect with the room around you, as well as with your body, your feelings and your breathing.

For the first week do this exercise ten minutes a day, then gradually increase the duration by two or three minutes per week, until you can do it for twenty minutes at a time. This is a very powerful mindfulness technique and regular practice will bring noticeable physical and psychological benefits. (This is another exercise which I have recorded on CD. For details, go to the resources section at the end of this book.)

No matter how bad the situation you’re in, no matter how much pain you may be suffering, start by taking a few deep breaths. If you’re breathing, you know you’re alive. And as long as you’re alive, there’s hope. Taking a few breaths in the midst of a crisis gives you valuable time to get present, to notice what’s happening and how you’re responding and to think about what effective action you can take. Sometimes there is no immediate action to take. In this case, being present and accepting what you are feeling
is
the most effective action.

If you use Breathing to Connect at every opportunity, it will start to become second nature. That’s important, because otherwise you’ll forget to do it at the times you need it most. Especially aim to practise it whenever you get caught up in your thoughts and feelings. And as with all the other acceptance techniques, don’t try to use this as a control strategy in order to try to feel good. Breathing to Connect will often give rise to nice feelings such as calmness or a sense of relief. But those are just pleasant byproducts and you certainly won’t always get them, so don’t come to expect them or try to force them.