The Happiness Trap (15 page)

So what did you notice? Hopefully, two things:

To improve your ability to stay present and notice what is happening a round you, practise the following two exercises on a daily basis.

This is a simple exercise to centre yourself and connect with your environment. Practise it a few times every day, especially whenever you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts and feelings. You’ll find that it brings you back to the here and now.

You can develop this skill further by going for a daily walk and spending the whole time noticing what you can see, hear, smell and physically feel (and refocusing whenever you realise you’ve been ‘disconnected’).

Pick an activity that’s part of your daily morning routine, such as brushing your teeth, combing your hair or taking a shower. Totally focus on what you are doing, using all your five senses. For example, when you’re in the shower notice the different sounds of the water: as it sprays out of the nozzle, as it hits your body, as it gurgles down the drain. Notice the temperature of the water and the feel of it in your hair. Notice the sensations of the water running down your back and legs. Notice the smell of the soap and the shampoo and how they feel against your skin. Notice the visual patterns of the water on the walls or curtain. Notice the clouds of steam billowing upward. Notice the movements of your arms as you scrub or shampoo.

When thoughts and feelings arise, acknowledge them, let them be and refocus on the shower. As soon as you realise that your attention has wandered off, thank your mind and refocus on the shower.

For starters, practise connecting with one part of your morning routine each day. Then, as your ability improves, extend it to other parts.

In the next three chapters we’ll see how connection skills help us deal with painful life experiences. In the meantime, practise seeing the world through new eyes. And whenever you realise that the time machine has carried you off, bring yourself back to the here and now.

When Soula turned 33, her best friend organised a surprise birthday party in a local cafe. At first Soula was delighted, thrilled that all her closest friends and family had come together in her honour. But as the evening wore on she began to feel sad and lonely. When she looked around the room, her thinking self started telling her the ‘single and lonely’ story. ‘Look at all your friends. They’re all in long-term relationships, or married and having kids, and you haven’t even got a boyfriend! You’re 33 now, for heaven’s sake! Time’s running out ... Soon you’ll be too old to have kids ... Just look at them all, having so much fun ... It’s easy to have fun when you’ve got someone to share your life with. They don’t know what it’s like to go back to an empty apartment night after night, all by yourself ... What’s the point of celebrating your birthday? All you have to look forward to is being old, lonely and miserable ... or else marrying someone completely unsuitable out of sheer desperation, which isn’t any better.’

On and on it went,
Radio Doom and Gloom,
broadcasting at full volume. And the more Soula tuned in to it, the more she lost track of the party going on all around her. She hardly tasted the food, hardly heard the conversation; she became increasingly disconnected from the warmth, joy and love that surrounded her.

Of course, it is true that Soula was single and getting older and that most of her friends were in long-term relationships. But remember the key question: is this story helpful? In this case it clearly wasn’t. And this was by no means an isolated episode. For most of a year now the ‘single and lonely’ story had been a major source of misery for Soula, making her increasingly depressed. When her friends talked about their relationships she was consumed with envy. And when she spent time with couples she felt like a complete ‘reject’. Developing connection skills played a vital part in Soula’s recovery. It enabled her to enjoy the good things she had in her life, instead of always focusing on what she lacked. (However I wouldn’t want you to think this was some ‘quick fix’ that changed her life overnight. It was only the start of Soula’s journey. We’ll revisit her later in the book to see how else she transformed her life.)

Sadly, scenarios like Soula’s are all too common. The more we focus on unpleasant thoughts and feelings, the more we disconnect from the present moment. This particularly tends to happen with depression and anxiety disorders. With anxiety you tend to get hooked by stories about the future: about things that might go wrong and how badly you’re sure to handle them. With depression you tend to get hooked by stories from the past: about all the things that actually have gone wrong and how badly they’ve affected you. The thinking self then uses that history to convince you that the future is going to be just more of the same. These stories are very compelling and we’re all too ready to give them our full attention.

It’s no surprise, then, that a common symptom of depression is anhedonia, which is the inability to take pleasure in previously enjoyable activities—after all, it’s hard to enjoy what you’re doing if you’re not connected with it. But the reverse is also true: the more connected you are with a pleasurable activity, the more fulfilling it will be. Thus, connection is an important skill for getting the most out of life.

To appreciate connection, practise it with at least one pleasant activity each day. Make sure it’s a values-driven activity, not an avoidance-driven activity—that is, it’s something you’re doing because it’s important or meaningful, or a genuinely valued part of your life, and not just an attempt to avoid ‘bad feelings’. The activity doesn’t have to be anything mind-blowing. It can be something as simple as eating lunch, stroking the cat, walking the dog, listening to the birds, cuddling your kids, drinking a can of Coke, sitting in the sunshine, listening to a favourite piece of music or chatting with a friend.

Now, as you do this activity, imagine that this is the first time you’ve ever done it. Really pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell, touch and taste. Savour every moment. And the moment you realise you’ve disconnected, thank your mind and refocus on what you’re doing.

Then at the end of the day, reflect on what it was like to be fully present .

If it’s hard to connect fully with
pleasant
events, then it’s natural that we should so easily disconnect from the unpleasant ones. Whenever we encounter an unpleasant event, we naturally try our best to get rid of it or avoid it. But what if getting rid of it isn’t our best option? What if this unpleasant situation is necessary for us to improve our quality of life?

For example, in order to maintain good health, you may at some stage need to have an operation, undergo some dental treatment, or practise some uncomfortable muscle-stretching routine. And to keep our finances healthy, most of us have to do a certain amount of bookkeeping and keep up with our tax returns. If we want to live in a clean house, we may need to do a variety of unpleasant chores, and if we want a better job, we may need to attend some highly stressful interviews.

So why is connection helpful in these situations? First, it helps us turn off that struggle switch. The more we struggle against unpleasant situations, the more unpleasant thoughts and feelings we generate. Naturally, this only makes the situation worse. And second, when we really pay attention and we put aside the stories of the thinking self, we discover that these events just aren’t as bad as we expected. You’ve probably already experienced this with expansion: when you observe unpleasant feelings with interest and openness, they’re nowhere near as bad as they first seemed. Do I detect a note of scepticism? Then let me tell you about...

Recently I took my dog for a walk in the park and he rolled around in the carcass of a dead bird. He loves to do disgusting things like that. Afterward he stank like ... well, like a rotting carcass, so I had no choice but to bathe him. I had some very important matters to deal with that night and I was frustrated that I had to waste my time on this unpleasant task. My mind was making all sorts of judgements: ‘Stupid dog! Why did you have to pick tonight to do something like this? Yuck! That smells disgusting!’ And I was growing increasingly tense and irritable. But as I filled the tub with warm water, I realised what I was doing and I made the conscious choice to respond differently.

The fact was, no one else was going to wash the dog and I didn’t want to leave him smelling like that. (Not that he would have minded.) I knew it would take about half an hour to wash him and dry him, so I figured I had a choice. I could spend that time stressed and irritable, disconnected from my experience, pressuring myself to finish as quickly as possible, while thinking about all the things I had to do afterward. Or I could connect with my experience and make the most of it. Either way, it would still take half an hour.

How do you make the most of washing a dirty dog? By being present and engaging in what is happening without judging it. So as I inhaled that foul odour I made room for my feelings of disgust and irritation. I allowed my unhelpful thoughts to come and go and I focused on connecting through my five senses. I noticed the warm water on my hands and the reactions of my dog as I spoke to him gently. I focused with interest and openness on the feel of his wet hair, the smell of the shampoo, the changing colour of the water, the sound of splashing, the movement of my arms, the movement of the dog, the movement of the water...

And I’d be lying if I said I enjoyed it. But the experience was much richer than on previous occasions, when I rushed through it completely disconnected. And as a bonus, it was much less stressful for the two of us. However, as always, you should trust your own experience rather than what I say. Practise connecting with unpleasant, boring or disagreeable tasks and notice what happens. And make sure that they’re tasks you truly value; activities that serve to enhance your life in the long term. Following are some exercises to help you connect with the mundane activities in life.

Pick a chore that you don’t like but that you know is helpful in the long run. It could be ironing clothes, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning out the car, cooking a healthy meal, putting the garbage out, bathing the kids, polishing your shoes, tidying the garage—any task that you’d just as soon avoid doing. Then each time you do it, practise connection. Have no expectations; just notice what happens. For example, if you’re ironing clothes, notice the colour and shape of the clothing. Notice the patterns made by the creases and shadows. Notice how the patterns change as the creases disappear. Notice the hiss of the steam, the creak of the ironing board, the faint whispery sound of the iron moving over the material. Notice the grip of your hand on the iron and the movement of your arm and your shoulder.

If boredom or frustration arises, make room for it and refocus on what you’re doing. When thoughts arise, let them be and go back to focusing on what you’re doing. The moment you realise that your attention has wandered (and it will, repeatedly), gently thank your mind, briefly note what distracted you and bring your attention back to what you’re doing.

Pick a task you’ve been putting off for a while. Set aside twenty minutes to make a start on it. During that time, focus completely on the experience. Connect with it fully, through the five senses, while making room for your feelings and defusing your thoughts. After twenty minutes, feel free either to stop or to continue. Do this for twenty minutes every day, until your task is completed.

Practising connection is like building your muscles. The more you practise, the more strength you have to change your life. Many people fail to make important changes—changes that could significantly enhance their lives—because they’re unwilling to accept the discomfort that accompanies change. For example, you may avoid changing to a more meaningful career because you don’t want the discomfort of starting from scratch. Or you may avoid asking someone on a date because you don’t want to risk rejection. The more you learn to connect, defuse and expand, the less power you will give such discomfort to act as an obstacle. So aim once a day to connect with both a pleasant, valued action and an uncomfortable one. In the long run, the rewards will be well worth it.

It’s time for us to take a little detour. In this chapter, we’re going to look at the similarities and differences between ACT and other approaches to human suffering. But first we need to introduce and define a new word: ‘mindfulness’. It’s a slightly confusing word because it has nothing to do with having ‘a full mind’. Different books will give you different definitions of ‘mindfulness’, depending on their content. A spiritual or religious book will define it very differently to a book on sports psychology or effective leadership. So here’s my definition: ‘mindfulness’ means consciously bringing awareness to your here-and-now experience, with openness, receptiveness and interest.

This definition tells us several things. Firstly, mindfulness is a conscious process; something we do deliberately. Secondly, it’s
not
a thinking process; it’s about
awareness.
Thirdly, it’s about bringing our awareness to the present moment; in other words, paying attention to what’s happening here and now. Fourthly, it’s about doing this with a particular attitude: one of openness, interest and receptiveness to our experience, rather than one of struggle, judgement and avoidance.

When we practise mindfulness, we connect with the world directly through our five senses, rather than being caught up in our thoughts. We let our judgements, complaints, and criticisms come and go, and instead we fully engage in the present moment. When we are mindful of our own thoughts, we can see them for what they are, and let them go. When we are mindful of our feelings, we can make room for them and let them be. And when we are mindful of our here-and-now experience, we are deeply connected with it. Thus defusion, expansion and connection are all mindfulness skills.

So ACT is clearly a mindfulness-based therapy, and the purpose of this chapter is to point out the significant differences between ACT and other mindfulness-based approaches.

ACT is based firmly in the tradition of behavioural psychology: a branch of science that seeks to understand, predict and influence human behaviour. A major concept in ACT is the idea of ‘workability’. (It’s a concept I’ve been referring to throughout this book, but I haven’t given it a name until now.) The workability of any given behaviour means how well it works in the long run toward creating a rich and meaningful life. In ACT, we learn mindfulness skills to assist us in taking action to improve our life. We do not practise mindfulness in order to enter some mystical state, or to get in touch with a higher truth. In any given circumstance, if defusion, expansion and connection can help you act effectively, then it makes sense to practise them. Conversely, if they don’t help you, then don’t use them! The bottom line is always the same: does this help me create the life I want?

Many of the concepts in ACT closely resemble those from many religions, particularly the idea of living life according to your values. But whereas most religions prescribe a ready-made set of values for you, ACT asks you to clarify and connect with your own values. Moreover, ACT does not encourage you to adopt any particular belief system. (Thus, my frequent advice throughout this book: ‘Don’t believe something just because I say so—trust your own experience.’) ACT takes the view that if your beliefs work to enrich your life, then that’s all that matters.

People often see similarities between ACT and Buddhism: both emphasise the practice of mindfulness; both encourage living by your values; both share the assumption that psychological suffering is a universal human phenomenon, created by the natural processes of the normal human mind; and both assume that our commonsense attempts to find happiness and avoid pain frequently lead only to more pain. As Steven Hayes puts it: ‘The large overlap between ACT and Buddhism is remarkable, considering that the former is based on principles of behaviour therapy and the second is embedded in a spiritual and religious tradition that spans thousands of years.’

Given these parallels, it’s important to emphasise that ACT is not in any sense a religious or spiritual tradition, nor was it consciously influenced by Buddhism. Unlike Buddhism, it prescribes no formal meditation or prayer practices, has no rituals, chants, prayers or symbols, has no prescribed set of approved values, and no supernatural or religious beliefs of any sort. ACT is firmly based on the latest cutting-edge research into human behaviour, particularly on recent discoveries about the functioning of the human mind. Steven Hayes and his team were behind much of this ground breaking research. Over twenty years ago Hayes proposed are volutionary new theory of human language and cognition, known as Relational Frame Theory. Since then, a vast amount of research has gone into investigating this theory, and the data coming through increasingly support it. (This in itself makes ACT unique. No other western psychotherapy has ever been developed along with its own basic research program into human language and cognition. If you’d like to know more about Relational Frame Theory, visit the website
www.contextualpsychology.org/rft.
)

Many of the exercises in ACT have a meditative feel to them and some bear strong similarities to formal mindfulness meditation practices (especially the ones that involve focusing on the breath). But as psychologist Kelly Wilson says, ‘If you want to learn to meditate, go see a guru.’

ACT is not about meditation. There’s no special way to sit, no secret mantra, no prayer beads, incense sticks or candles. ACT is about the practical application of mindfulness skills for the express purpose of making important life changes. And that’s it. (Having said that, a daily mindfulness meditation practice can be very helpful in developing the skills in this book. If you’re interested, read Jon Kabat-Zinn’s excellent book,
Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life.
)

There are many spiritual or ‘new age’ books about reaching enlightenment, all of which place a major emphasis on living in the present moment. ACT stays out of this territory altogether. (ACT is about creating a life, not becoming ‘enlightened’.)

Interestingly, many of these books directly feed into the happiness trap by promising the reader such things as a ‘pain-free existence, through living fully in the present’. While many such books do a fine job of teaching mindfulness concepts, any search for a ‘pain-free existence’ is doomed to failure. The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering. In contrast to such books, ACT aims to help you create a rich, full and meaningful life while
accepting
the pain that inevitably comes with living.

One particularly unhelpful idea that commonly occurs in books proposing various paths to enlightenment is the utter falsehood that ‘negativity is unnatural’. Evolutionary biology tells us otherwise. The mind has evolved in such a manner that negativity is not only natural but inevitable. To see it as unnatural just sets you up for a struggle with your own human nature.

Many forms of self-help are based on the life experience of one person, who then goes on to write books and give talks about it. The logic goes: ‘This is how I did it, so it should work for you.’ The problem is that this gives rise to a lot of untried and untested ideas. Just because the author used certain methods to recover from cancer, get over a mental illness or otherwise transform her life, doesn’t mean those methods are going to work for the next person. In contrast, ACT is based on an international program of scientific research that has repeatedly shown the efficacy of its methods.

So, ACT is not a religious, mystical or spiritual path, although it may have some parallels. ACT is about creating a meaningful life through accepting our internal experience, staying present and taking action while being guided by our values. And workability is always the deciding factor. So if there’s anything in this book (or any other self-help book) that works toward creating the life you want, then please, make use of it. But don’t believe anything in this or any other book simply because you read it—your own experience trumps someone else’s advice.

And that completes this little detour. We’re back on the road and it’s time to continue our journey. In the next chapter we’ll take a closer look at connection and the many surprising ways it can help you overcome life’s obstacles.