The Happiness Trap (6 page)

Jana was an avid fan of the comedy troupe Monty Python, and the character she picked was from their film
The Life of Brian.
In the film, Brian’s mother, played by the male actor Terry Jones, is always criticising Brian in a ridiculously high-pitched, screeching voice. When Jana ‘heard’ her negative thoughts in the voice of Brian’s mother, she couldn’t take them seriously. The thoughts did not immediately disappear, but they quickly lost their power over her, and this contributed significantly to lifting her depression.

But what if a thought is both true and serious? For instance, if you are dying from cancer and have the thought: ‘I’ll be dead soon.’

From an ACT perspective, we are far more interested in whether a thought is helpful than whether it’s true or false, serious or ridiculous, negative or positive, optimistic or pessimistic. The bottom line is always the same: does this thought help you make the most out of life? Now, if you only have a few months to live, it’s really important to reflect on how you want to spend them. What loose ends do you need to tie up? What do you want to do, and whom do you want to see before you die? So a thought like, ‘I’ll be dead soon’ could be helpful if it motivates you to reflect and take effective action. If that’s the case, you wouldn’t try to defuse such a thought. You would pay attention to it and use it to help you do what you need to do. But suppose that thought becomes an obsession and you keep playing it over and over in your head. Would it be helpful to spend your last weeks of life thinking all day long, ‘I’ll be dead soon’, giving all your attention to that thought instead of to the loved ones around you?

Now, for some people the Silly Voices technique may seem inappropriate for a thought like this, because it might seem to be trivialising something quite serious. If that’s how it feels to you, don’t use it. But it’s important to note that defusion is not about trivialising or making fun of genuine problems in your life. Defusion is aimed at freeing us from oppression by our minds; freeing up our time, energy and attention so we can invest it in meaningful activities rather than dwelling uselessly on our thoughts. So if ‘I’ll be dead soon’ keeps showing up and taking up all your attention, thus preventing you from connecting with your loved ones, then you could defuse it in a number of different ways. You could acknowledge, ‘Aha! Here’s the “imminent death” story’ or ‘I’m having the thought that I’ll be dead soon’ or you could simply say, ‘Thanks, Mind!’

And don’t think you are going to have to spend the rest of your life thanking your mind or hearing your thoughts in ditties and silly voices. These methods are merely stepping stones. Down the line you can expect to defuse your thoughts instantly, without the need for such contrived techniques (although there will always be times when it’s useful to pull them out of your psychological toolkit).

When practising defusion, it’s important to keep the following things in mind:

The main goal of defusion is to free you from the tyranny of your mind, so you can focus your attention on more important things. So when defusion does make you feel better, by all means enjoy it. But don’t expect it to. And don’t start using it to try to control how you feel; otherwise, you’re stuck right back in the happiness trap.

Defusion is like any other skill: the more you practise, the better you get. So add the Thanking Your Mind and Silly Voices techniques to your repertoire, and aim to use them between five and ten times each day.

At this point, don’t expect any dramatic changes in your life. Simply notice what happens as you incorporate these practices into your daily routine. And if you’re having any doubts or concerns, make a note of them. In the next chapter we’ll look at common problems people have with defusion and, more importantly, we’ll learn how to overcome them.

‘Defusion doesn’t work!’ snapped John.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘I had to give this presentation at work in front of about 50 people. My mind kept telling me I was going to screw up and make a fool of myself, so I tried those defusion techniques, but they did nothing.’

‘You mean, you kept buying into the story that you’d screw up?’

‘No, it helped with that—I stopped taking it seriously.’

‘Then why do you say defusion doesn’t work?’

‘Because I still felt anxious.’

‘John,’ I said, ‘I’ve been giving talks in public for over twenty years, and I still feel anxious every time I get up there. I’ve met hundreds of people who speak to audiences as part of their profession, and I’ve always asked them, “Do you get anxious when you give a talk?” So far, almost every single person has said yes. The point is, if you’re going to put yourself in any sort of challenging situation, if you’re going to take any significant risk, then anxiety is a normal emotion. It will be there. And defusing negative thoughts is not going to get rid of it.’

Many of us, when we first encounter defusion, fall into the same trap as John; we start trying to use defusion as a control strategy. Remember:

Defusion is the very
opposite
of a control strategy; it’s an acceptance strategy. In ACT, rather than attempting to change, avoid or get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, our aim is to
accept
them. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings; it just means you stop struggling with them. When you stop wasting your energy on trying to change, avoid or get rid of them, you can put that energy into something more useful instead. This is best explained with an analogy.

Imagine you live in a small country that shares a border with a hostile neighbour. There is long-standing tension between the two countries. The neighbouring country has a different religion and a different political system, and your country sees it as a major threat. There are three possible scenarios for how your country can relate to its neighbour.

The worst-case scenario is war. Your country attacks and the other one retaliates (or vice versa). As both countries get pulled into a major war, the people of both nations suffer. Think of any major war and the huge costs involved in terms of life, money and wellbeing.

Another scenario, better than the first but still far from satisfactory, is a temporary truce. Both countries agree to a cease-fire, but there is no reconciliation. Resentment seethes beneath the surface, and there is the constant underlying threat that war will break out again. Think of India and Pakistan, with the constant threat of nuclear war, and the intense hostility between Hindus and Muslims.

The third possibility is genuine peace. You acknowledge your differences and allow them just to be. This doesn’t get rid of the other country, nor does it mean that you necessarily like it or even want it there. Nor does it mean that you approve of its politics or religion. But because you’re no longer at war, you can now use your money and resources to build up the infrastructure of your own country, instead of squandering them on the battlefield.

The first scenario, war, is like the struggle to get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings. It’s a battle that can never be won and it consumes a huge amount of time and energy.

The second scenario, a truce, is definitely better, but it’s still a long way from true acceptance. It’s more like a grudging tolerance; there’s no sense of moving forward to a new future. Although there is no active warfare, the hostility remains, and you are resigned to the ongoing tension. A grudging tolerance of thoughts and feelings is better than an outright struggle, but it leaves you feeling stuck and somewhat helpless. It’s a sense more of resignation than of acceptance, of entrapment rather than freedom, of being stuck rather than moving forward.

The third scenario, peace, represents true acceptance. Notice that in this scenario your country doesn’t have to like the other country, approve of its being there, convert to its religion or learn to speak its language. You simply make peace with them. You acknowledge your differences, you give up trying to change their politics or religion, and you focus your efforts on making your own country a better place to live in. It’s the same when you truly accept your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to like them, want them or approve of them; you simply make peace with them and let them be. This leaves you free to focus your energy on taking action—action that moves your life forward in a direction you value.

Acceptance does not mean ‘putting up with’ or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. Acceptance literally means ‘taking what is offered’. It doesn’t mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesn’t mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality—acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.

But what if you want to improve your life and not just accept it as it is? Well, that’s the whole purpose of this book. But the most effective way to make changes in your life is to start by fully accepting it. Suppose you are walking across ice. In order to safely take the next step, you first need to find a firm foothold. If you try moving forward without doing that, then you’re likely to fall flat on your face.

Acceptance is like finding that firm foothold. It’s a realistic appraisal of where your feet are and what condition the ground is in. It doesn’t mean that you like being in that spot, or that you intend to stay there. Once you have a firm foothold, you can take the next step more effectively. The more fully you accept the reality of your situation—as it is, here and now—the more effectively you can take action to change it.

The Dalai Lama exemplifies this beautifully. He fully accepts that China has invaded Tibet and that he is forced to live in exile from his own country. He doesn’t waste time and energy in wishful thinking, getting outraged or dwelling morosely on what he’s lost. He knows that won’t help. Nor does he admit defeat or throw the whole issue into the ‘too-hard basket’. Instead he acknowledges that right now this is the way it is and at the same time he does everything in his power to help. He actively campaigns all around the world to increase public and political awareness of Tibet’s predicament and to raise financial support for its people.

In another example, let’s consider the case of domestic violence. If your partner is physically violent, the first step is to accept the reality of the situation: that you are in danger and you need to take action to protect yourself. The next step is to take action: get some professional help, take legal action and/or leave the relationship. In order to take this action, you will need to accept the anxiety, guilt and other painful thoughts and feelings that are likely to rise. So this is what ACT is all about: acceptance and action, side by side. The core philosophy of ACT is neatly encapsulated in the Serenity Challenge:

If your life isn’t working for you, the only sensible thing is to take action to change it. That action will be far more effective when you start from a place of acceptance. All the time and energy that you waste on struggling with thoughts and feelings could be far more usefully invested in taking action—the right action. A rich, full and meaningful life comes about through accepting your thoughts and feelings instead of fighting them, and taking effective action, guided by your deepest values.

So what are the costs of non-acceptance? What happens in the long run when you try to avoid or get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings? Do your control strategies work? Are they giving you the life you want? Acceptance is a powerful alternative to control. You’ve already discovered that many unpleasant thoughts are far less painful when defused, and in later chapters you’ll discover similar transformations with negative feelings.

Now let’s return to John’s comment that ‘defusion doesn’t work’. John was trying to use defusion to get
rid
of his anxiety. No wonder it ‘didn’t work’! Defusion is not some clever way to control your feelings. It’s simply an acceptance technique. True, defusing unhelpful thoughts will often reduce feelings of anxiety, but that’s just a beneficial byproduct; a bonus—it’s not the main thing. If you try to use defusion to control anxiety—or any unpleasant feeling, for that matter—sooner or later you’ll end up frustrated.

But what if you’ve defused a thought and it’s still there? Again, defusion isn’t about getting rid of thoughts. It’s about seeing them for what they really are and making peace with them; allowing them to be there without fighting them. Sometimes they will go away with very little fuss, other times they will hang around for quite a while, and sometimes they’ll go away and then come back again. The point is, once you allow them to be there without a struggle, you can put your energy and attention into activities you value. But if you expect that defusing your thoughts will make them go away, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment; you’re falling back into the agenda of control—the happiness trap. The aim is to accept your thoughts, not to get rid of them.

And remember, you don’t have to like a thought in order to accept it. You can accept it purely out of pragmatism: the thought is already there whether you like it or not, and struggling with it just takes up your time and energy without any long-term benefit. Acceptance frees up your energy for life-enhancing activities.

It’s okay to want to get rid of an unpleasant thought. In fact, it’s expected, given that that’s what you’ve been trying to do your whole life. But wanting to get rid of something is quite different from
actively struggling
with it. For example, suppose you have an old car that you no longer want. And suppose you won’t have an opportunity to sell it for at least another month. You can want to get rid of the car and simultaneously accept that you still have the car. You don’t have to try to smash the car up, make yourself miserable or get drunk every night just because you still have that old car.

So if you do find yourself struggling with a negative thought, just notice it. Pretend that you’re a scientist observing your own mind; notice the different ways in which you struggle. Do you challenge your thoughts, trying to disprove or invalidate them? Do you judge them as good or bad, true or false, positive or negative? Do you try to push them away or replace them with ‘better’ ones? Do you enter into a debate with your mind? Observe your struggle with interest and notice what it accomplishes.

Of course, some stories are more persistent than others: they come back again and again. Remember my ‘I’m incompetent’ story? I’ve had that story for as long as I can remember. It visits me much less often now, but it still pops in to my mind from time to time. The difference is, now I don’t believe it. But if a helpful thought shows up like, ‘I just stuffed up; how can I learn from this?’ then I certainly do pay attention.

It’s important to let go of any expectation that your stories will go away or show up less frequently. As it happens, very often they will go away. But if you’re defusing them to make them go away, then by definition you’re not truly accepting them. And you know where that leads.

But, I hear you ask, aren’t positive thoughts better than negative thoughts? Not necessarily. Remember, the most important question is: ‘Is this thought helpful?’ Suppose an alcoholic brain surgeon thinks to himself, ‘Hey, I’m the greatest brain surgeon in the world. I can do brilliant surgery even if I’ve been drinking.’ It’s a positive thought, but surely not a helpful one. Most people convicted of drink driving have had positive thoughts of a similar nature.

The same applies to neutral thoughts. In this book I mostly talk about negative thoughts, simply because they’re the ones we most often have problems with. But anything that applies to negative thoughts also applies to neutral and positive thoughts. The bottom line is not whether a thought is positive or negative, true or false, pleasant or unpleasant, optimistic or pessimistic, but whether it helps you create a fulfilling life.

So should you believe
any
of your thoughts? Yes, but only if they’re helpful—and hold those beliefs lightly. And even while you’re holding them, know that they are nothing more than language.

As time goes on and you work through the rest of this book, you will learn to defuse unhelpful thoughts quickly and easily. But it’s important to remember: cognitive fusion is not the enemy.

Making plans for the future, brainstorming solutions for your problems, mentally rehearsing your actions, getting lost in a book, engaging in a conversation, reading music, writing a letter, telling someone you love them: all these activities involve cognitive fusion. So cognitive fusion is not the enemy; it’s an essential part of being human.

Negative thoughts are not the enemy, either. Because of the way our minds have evolved, many of our thoughts are negative to some extent, so if you consider them to be the enemy, you’re always going to be battling with yourself. Thoughts are merely sounds, words, symbols or bits of language, so why declare war on them? Our aim here is to increase our self-awareness; to recognise when we’re fusing with our thoughts, and to catch ourselves when it happens. Once we have that awareness, we then have a much greater choice as to how we act. If thoughts are helpful, make use of them; if they are unhelpful, then defuse them.