Sparrow (9 page)

“What
did you expect?”  Kevin holds out his hands.  “Every time she told you she
loved you, all you would say was ‘me too.’  She needed to hear it.  After three
years, she needed to hear it.  Even I understand that.”

“Okay,
Dr. Phil,” I scoff and stare at the can in my hands.  Even though what he says
is true, I don’t like the idea of my baby brother lecturing me.  It’s too
soon.  Jen literally left twenty-four hours ago.  Pair that with Gram’s death
and having to confront my memories at the lake, and I’m having a pretty shitty
October.

“Maybe
if she’s gone you’ll realize what you had.”

My
eyes snap to Kevin’s.  “Do you think I wanted her to leave?  I asked her to give
me some time to figure things out, but that wasn’t good enough.  She wanted a
bigger commitment and an immediate answer.  When I couldn’t give her one, she
threw Gram’s death in my face; she said losing someone close to me should make
me realize life is short.”

Apparently
Jen neglected to tell Kevin that part.  He’s looks confused and blinks at me.

“I
wasn’t going to let her push me into a proposal.”

Kevin
runs his hand through his hair and leans back in his seat.  “All she said what
that she felt she’d wasted her time.  That she cared about you more than you
cared about her.”

That
may or may not be true.  I toss my empty can into the fire and watch the flames
lick up the sides.  I know I care about Jen a lot; we have fun together, and I
would never want to see her hurt.  But the truth is, I don’t think I love her. 
Not enough for what she needs, anyway.

“Listen,”
Kevin’s voice sounds quiet.  “I shouldn’t have brought it up.  I just hate to
see you repeat the same pattern.”

“What
pattern?”

“The
one where you’re with someone great, but you keep them at arm’s length until
they give up and leave you.”

His
words place a heavy weight on my shoulders.  “Yes, every girl I’ve been with
has left me.  Thanks for pointing that out, asshole.”

Kevin
lets out an annoyed sigh.  “It’s just…I’ve been thinking a lot about the future
since Gram died.”

I
face him.  “Is that why you think you’re falling in love?”

He
shrugs.  “It probably has something to do with it.  Regardless, I know I don’t
want to be alone.  When I’m sixty, I’d rather be with Ashley than sitting here
with your wrinkled ass.”

A
snort of laughter escapes me.  I can picture us, old and grumpy, sitting in
this exact same spot.

“Don’t
you want that?” he asks.  “Don’t you want to share your future with someone?”

Now
he’s getting sappy.  It must be the alcohol.  I decide to appease him and nod
yes because I’m done with this conversation.  I came out here to get hammered
and forget, not to have a conversation about love and my romantic shortfalls. 
I can’t tell him my future is hard to see because, years ago, I gave it away. 
I gave to the girl who was
my
air.

Then,
she vanished.

Without
giving it back.

~~~~

Two
days later, I stand in Gram’s garage scratching the back of my head.  What am I
going to do with all this stuff?  This place is packed like Home Depot circa
1920.  Some of the tools I can use for work, but others are ancient.  I
silently wonder if I can get ahold of those guys from the television show
American
Pickers
.

I
decide the best way to tackle this job is to divide everything into piles. 
There are things that should stay here, since Kevin and I are going to keep the
place.  Last night, during dinner, we discussed the possibility of selling it. 
After weighing the pros and cons, we decided that Gram would haunt us if we
ever got rid of the cottage.  Plus, if the business grows, we could possibly
have two locations.  One back home and one based at the lake.

Working
from the floor up, I start with the lower shelves on the workbench that spans
the entire back wall of the garage.  I should have worn a hazmat suit.  Spider
webs cover everything; there are mouse traps with congealed food stuck to them
and droppings everywhere.  Some animal has made a nest in one of the corners;
I’m pretty sure it’s a mouse or a chipmunk.  Whatever it is, it’s going to be
pissed when it comes back because I just threw away its home.  I feel kind of
bad about it, but then again, its nature.  Go live outside.

After
making decent progress, I’m sweating despite the fall weather.  I wipe my dirty
hands on my jeans and my forehead on my sleeve, then stand and stretch.  I need
to get some air moving in here.  I walk toward the aluminum garage door and
lift it, hanging on to the bottom when it’s completely open.  Sunlight blasts my
face from the outdoors and bounces off the windshield of my new truck.  She’s a
2013 black Ford F250, and if I can say I’m in love with anything, I’m in love
with her.  I needed a commercial vehicle for the business; I was sick of paying
someone else to deliver material when I can pick up things myself.  The truck
is perfect; we go everywhere together, and she never asks about my feelings.

“Hey.”

I
turn around.  Kevin is standing in the doorway holding our old fishing poles.

“Where
did you find those?” I ask.

“In
the utility closet.  Ready for a break?”

“Yeah.”

We
head down to the dock and sit on the edge like we used to years ago.  I
purposefully ignore the wood bench behind us as I inspect the deteriorating wax
worm on my hook.  I know if I look at the bench too long I’ll see Addison
sitting there – just like I see her sitting at Gram’s table or standing on the
cottage deck.  If I turn my head to the left, I know I’ll see her walking down
the steps from her old place.

I
cast my line with more force than necessary.  These memories are starting to
piss me off.  They need to stay buried where I put them.  It’s been too long.

“Are
you trying to reach the other side of the lake?” Kevin asks.

I
reel in my line a bit.  “My technique is rusty.”

He
shoots me a skeptical look.

We
fish in silence.  I’m not sure what he’s thinking about, but I’m studying the
opposite shoreline.  Despite avoiding this place, I have to admit the scenery
is awesome.  The leaves left on the trees are at their peak fall color; red,
orange, and yellow swirls reflect off the water.  The wind blows, lifting a
patch of lily pads, and their color changes from green to burgundy.  Staring at
the plants reminds me of the bass I never caught, and I reel in my line to cast
in a different direction.  Not that the fish is still around.

Over
the next hour we catch some small Blue Gills and let them go.  When Kevin
closes up shop, he says, “I’m hungry.  I’ll order a pizza and pick it up if you
buy.”

“Whatever,”
I say and stand.  “Want me to take that?” I gesture toward his pole.

“Sure.”

As
my brother goes inside to wash up, I head to the garage to put away our gear. 
I stare at the piles of tools I created earlier and groan.  I guess there’s no
time like the present to get back to work.  Approaching a pile I know I’ll
keep, I pick up a few items and carry them to the bed of my truck.

Over
my shoulder, a deep bark interrupts the silence.  Depositing the tools, I glance
to my right and see a white blur of fur round the curve in the road.  Tentatively,
I walk to the end of the drive to meet it.  The dog picks up his pace when he
sees me, even though he favors his left hind leg.  I kneel down to greet him,
hoping he has tags.

It’s
when our eyes meet that I know.

No.
Fucking. Way.

Sam
rushes forward and when he makes it to me, he tries to lick me to death.  He
gets in a few good swipes before I lean back and snag his collar.  Obediently,
he sits so I can read his tags.  This can’t be happening.  My eyes refuse to
focus for a minute, but when they do, my mind is blown.

“Sam?”
I look him in the eyes again.  He barks and pants, appearing to smile.  I can’t
think straight, so I rub up and down his sides, noticing how thin he feels
beneath his thick fur.  He lies on his back, and I go for his belly.  His eyes
close, loving the attention, and I find myself smiling down at him.

“There
you are.”

My
head snaps up.  Standing just a few feet from Sam is the one person I never
thought I’d see again in this lifetime.

Addison
tips her head.  “Hi.”

My
heart trips over itself in disbelief.  Slowly I stand, willing my legs to hold
me.  “Sparrow?” I whisper.

She
looks down at her feet and then back at me.  “Hey, Kyle.”

My
mind is having a hard time comprehending her presence.

I
used to imagine what it would be like to see her again, to hold her and
discover the truth.  I would weave silent stories about what I would say, what
she might say, and how she would apologize and tell me she loved me.  But, as
time went on, it became obvious that I was torturing myself with something that
would never happen.  I forced my mind to come to the only conclusion that would
allow me to let her go: she was dead.  She had to be.  Google and I had an intimate
relationship; I couldn’t find one shred of evidence that she still existed.  First
her phone was disconnected, then her house was foreclosed on.  Next, it was sold. 
Her name didn’t appear in any search I tried.  After years of wondering, I
finally had to push her away as best I could.

And
now, here she stands, as if I saw her yesterday.

“I
didn’t expect you at the lake this time of year,” she says.

My
forehead pinches.  I didn’t expect to see her ever again.  “You mean in the
fall?”

She
nods.

“It’s
been a long time since I scheduled my vacations around football camp.”

The
comment comes out more sarcastic than I would have liked, and Addison loses her
smile.  She bites her lower lip and studies her shoes.

“I’m
sorry,” immediately falls from my mouth.  I sidestep Sam and walk toward her
slowly.

“No.” 
She meets my eyes.  “It has been a long time.  That was a stupid thing to say.” 
She takes a steadying breath.  “It’s really good to see you, Kyle.”

Still
baffled that she’s here, I stop walking a few feet in front of her.  “It’s good
to see you too,” I murmur.  We stare at each other, searching for words, and my
hands itch to touch her.  My memory hasn’t done her justice; even after all
this time she still takes my breath away.

Addison
wears a pink and white baseball cap; her hair is pulled through the back in a
ponytail.  It’s the same shade of honey-wheat that I remember, and I can tell
she wears it long by the way it brushes her shoulders.  Her eyes appear to have
more gold than brown in them, and she’s wearing a plain white fitted tee and
low-rise distressed jeans.  The clothes hug her every curve; it’s hard not to
notice she’s grown up.  Gone is the seventeen year-old girl I once knew and in
her place stands a twenty-five year old woman.  She looks amazing, almost vibrant,
her skin still holding a hint of her summer tan.  Her cheeks are flushed pink, probably
from my sarcasm, and she looks as if life has treated her well.

I
wonder what she sees when she looks at me.

“So,
are you here with Gram?” Addison asks, breaking my train of thought and looking
past me toward the cottage.  “I’d love to see her.”  Her eyes snap to my face
and she smiles.  “That is, if she remembers me.”

I
shove my hands in my front pockets.  “No, Gram’s not here.”  Gazing at the
ground, I clear my throat.  “She’s gone.”

“Gone
where?  Did she head into town?”

I
shake my head and lift my gaze.  “She passed away.”

Addison’s
eyes get big and she steps closer to me.  “Oh, God.  I’m so sorry.  When?”

“About
three weeks ago.”

She
reaches out, like she’s going to hug me, but then changes her mind and wraps
her arms around her waist instead.  “That’s so sad.  She was such a sweet
lady.  How are you holding up?  How’s Kevin?”

“Kevin’s
inside.”  I glance over my shoulder.  “Gram left this place to us; we’re trying
to organize.  Would you like to come in?”

She
gives me a sympathetic look.  “I wouldn’t want to intrude on your family time.”

“Trust
me; it’s not an intrusion,” I say.  “It’s a welcome distraction.”

Addison
appears to consider it.  My pulse quickens.  In my mind I develop a rationale;
if I can get her into the house, I can stop her from disappearing again.

“Add?”

A
male voice sounds from the road, pulling our attention away from one another. 
Sam sits up and barks as Addison waves the guy over.

As
he walks toward us, I assess him.  His dirty blonde hair is neatly styled, and
he’s dressed in a preppy polo and jeans. 
Catalog,
I think and smirk at
the name Kevin and I use to describe pretty boys.  He’s probably got an inch or
two on me height-wise, but we’re pretty comparable when it comes to muscle. 
Working outdoors with heavy equipment has kept me in better shape than when
Addison and I first met.  This guy looks solid too; but more manufactured, like
he pays for his fitness at the gym.

“I
see you found him,” he says to Addison, then looks at Sam.  “For an old dog
with a bad hip he sure manages to run away a lot.”  He smiles in my direction. 
“I hope he didn’t cause any trouble.”

“No,
no trouble,” I say.

The
guy moves closer to Addison and drapes his arm around her shoulders. 
Instantly, my body reacts and tenses.

“Derek,
this is Kyle,” Addison introduces us.  “Kyle, this is Derek.  My husband.”

The
word ‘husband’ rolls off her tongue effortlessly, while I, on the other hand,
am rendered speechless.

Derek
extends his free hand to shake mine, and the gesture takes a moment to register. 
I blink to clear my thoughts and then complete the task robotically.

“Kyle
is a friend,” Addison explains.  “Sam must have realized he was here.”

“Cool.” 
Derek smiles at me again and then looks at Addison.  “Are you ready to get
going?  Our dinner reservation is at seven.”

“Sure.” 
Addison steps away from her husband’s embrace.  She snags the dog by his collar
then looks at me.  “I’m glad Sam found you instead of Mr. Grant’s chickens.” 
Her eyes light up at the memory.

All
I can manage to say is “Right,” because I’m still trying to wrap my mind around
the fact that she’s married.

“I
really am sorry about Gram.”  Addison’s face softens.  “If there is anything we
can do, please let us know.”

“We?”
I ask, confused.

“Derek
and me.  We’re staying until Monday, if there’s something you need.”

My
mind snaps out of its fog.  There is something I need, and she should know what
it is.  I need time with
her.
  I need an explanation.  I think she owes
me that.

“What
happened?” Derek asks.

“Kyle’s
grandmother passed away,” Addison answers.  “Here’s here with his brother to
take care of the cottage.”

Derek
looks grim.  “That’s rough.  My condolences.”

“Thanks,”
I mutter as I try to figure out how to ask Addison when I can see her again.

Before
I can open my mouth, Derek says, “I bet you guys need a break.  Why don’t you
and your brother come over tomorrow and knock a few back.  The game’s on at
one.”

Kevin
and I were already planning to watch the Michigan-Michigan State football
game.  My eyes lock on Addison and she gives me an encouraging nod.  It’s clear
she wants me to say yes, so I do.

“Great,”
Derek says.  “We’ll see you then.”

He
winds his arm around Addison’s waist and slides his hand into her back pocket. 
As they turn to leave, he tucks her possessively into his side, nodding his
goodbye as she gives me a bright smile.

I
want to stop them – stop her – but I don’t.  If I did, what would I say?  How dare
you walk away from me?  It’s clear she has moved on with her life, and it
bothers me how much it pisses me off.  This shouldn’t hurt.  Too much time has
passed; I should just be happy that she’s alive.

But
I’m not.

When
they make it to the curve in the road, Kevin’s voice surprises me from behind.

“What
the hell?”

I
turn around and find his eyes locked on my departing visitors.

“Is
that who I think it is?”

“The
one and only.”

“Are
you shitting me?”

“Nope.” 
I turn back around to follow his line of vision.

“What
did she say?”

“Not
much.  But, I found out she’s married.”

“Married?” 
Kevin asks, dumbstruck.  “For how long?  Where’s she been?”

I
shrug.

“Jesus,
Kyle!  What’s wrong with you?  Do I have to speak for you in your personal life,
too?”

I
pin him with a hard stare.  “Don’t be a dick!  I haven’t seen her in eight
years; I thought I was looking at a goddamn ghost.”

My
brother groans.  “Well, when are you going to see her again?”

“Tomorrow.” 
I turn to catch one last glimpse of their retreating figures.  “We’ve been
invited over to watch the game.”

~~~~

The
next afternoon, I shift a case of beer in my arms as Kevin and I wait for
Addison to answer her front door.  Kevin’s eyes meet mine when we hear Sam bark
and footsteps approach.  He sends me a silent message. 
I’ve got this, bro.

Despite
my asking him to stay out of it, my brother is convinced he will get every
ounce of information worth getting from Addison and Derek today.  I told him I
could handle it.

Naturally,
he disagrees.

When
the door opens, Addison greets us with a relieved sigh.  “You came.”

Kevin
steps forward and throws his arms wide.  “Was there any doubt?”  He catches her
off guard and wraps her in a bear hug, picking her up off her feet and making
her laugh.  “Hey, beautiful,” he says over her shoulder.  “Long time, no see.”

Addison’s
eyes lock on mine for a moment before Kevin sets her down.  When he does, she
takes a step back from him and smiles.  “I’m just getting ready to throw the
chicken on the grill.  You like barbecued chicken, right?”

My
brother holds his stomach and groans.  “Are you kidding?”

She
laughs again and pushes him toward the open door.  He walks inside, and I move
to follow.

“Hey.” 
Addison playfully elbows my arm.  “I’m really glad you’re here.”

All
I can manage is an uncertain smile.

She
nudges me over the threshold then shuts the door behind us.  “Let’s put that in
the fridge,” she says, eyeing the beer.

“Hold
up.”  Kevin stops us and pulls one from the case.  “Okay, proceed.”  He winks
at Addison.  “I’m going to introduce myself to your
husband
.”

If
I’m not mistaken, Addison blushes.  “Derek,” she calls toward the couch.  “Our
company is here.”

Derek
glances over his shoulder at us.  “Hey, guys.  You’re just in time for the
kickoff.”

Kevin
walks further into the living room, extending his hand to Derek.  “Kevin
Dayton.”

Derek
shakes it.  “Derek Cole.”

My
brother pops the top on his can and makes himself comfortable on the end of the
couch.  I follow Addison into the kitchen.  She opens the refrigerator and
starts rearranging items so my beer will fit.

I
decide now is the time to find my voice.

“So,
your last name is Cole,” I say.  “No wonder I could never find you under
Parks.”

She
stands up straight and meets my eyes.  “You were looking for me?”

My
brow furrows.  “How could I not?”

Addison’s
expression softens, and she glances around the kitchen.  “Here,” she says,
redirecting her attention.  She pulls a pan of raw chicken pieces out of the
refrigerator and hands it to me.  She grabs two cans of beer and a bottle of
barbecue sauce, then shuts the door with her hip.  “How important is watching the
game to you?”

“Not.”

She
nods.  “Come help me grill.”

I
follow her out of the kitchen, through the living room, and out on to the deck
where I have to step around an excited Sam.  I whisper conspiratorially to the
dog, “Hey, bud.  I’ll give you some chicken when it’s ready.”

Sam
parks himself next to my feet as Addison rolls her eyes.  She sticks her head back
into the house and says, “Give us twenty minutes on the food, guys,” then
closes the patio door behind her.

Placing
the pan next to the grill, I grab a large set of tongs that hang from the
side.  I start to add the chicken to the hot surface while Addison finds the
basting brush and stands next to me.  She squeezes sauce on to each piece and paints
it as we work in silence.  Her arm bumps against mine a few times, and when she
finishes with the last leg, I close the top of grill and lean back against the
deck railing.

Addison
grabs the beer, walks over to where I sit, and settles her body beside mine.  She
hands me a can and then stares at hers, tracing the top edge with her thumb.  “So.” 
She pauses and looks up at me.  “I owe you an explanation.  Would you like the
long version or the Cliffs Notes?”

One
side of my mouth twitches.  “I’ll take whatever you’ll give me as long as it’s
the truth.”