Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (45 page)

That night was full of nightmares.  I had the same nightmare twice and had to get up and change my pajamas due to the excessive sweating.  After the second nightmare, I was afraid to go back to sleep.  I suddenly missed Alex beside me and the feeling of loneliness returned, followed by tears.  I felt as though my heart was going to stop beating from the sadness within.  I did not go back to sleep and decided to get up earlier than usual and prepare for work.  There were no curls in my hair that morning, and neither was there any special makeup on my face.

Laura immediately noticed that it wasn’t a good morning for me, “How did you go from such a great mood yesterday to this?
  What are we going to do with you?” she asked.

I sighed, “I have no idea, Laura.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I wish there was a potion I could drink that would erase the last few mont
hs from my memory,” I replied.

During lunchtime, we decided to go to the Cuban deli.  We walked down the street to the deli and before we entered, I noticed Alex and Taryn seated inside having lunch together.  I turned to Laura, grabbing her arm gently, “Laura, I don’t want to eat here.  He’s here with Cruella Deville,” I said.  Laura didn’t make it obvious
, but she took a peek and saw them sitting inside.  We changed our lunch plans to the falafel place.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it to the ballet class that evening.  I worked slowly, the only speed that I was able to push myself to.  After the workday ended, I drove straight home.  I called Jullietta on the way home and notified her that I would be absent from class that evening because I wasn’t feeling well. 
Stefano called me moments later.  “Hey, my mom said you’re sick today.  What’s wrong?” he asked.

“
I’m not sick, Stefano.  I’m just tired and I’m feeling a little down today.  I just can’t pick myself up.  I will be fine tomorrow, don’t worry,” I assured.

“
I’m leaving the studio now, if you need anything please let me know.  I can bring you food if you want,” he offered.

“
That’s very sweet, Stefano, but I really need to be alone.  You understand don’t you?” I asked.  “Oh, by the way, could you text the address of the location for the party on Saturday?” I asked.

“
I will pick you up,” he said.

“
No, please text me the address and I will meet you there.  I may leave early and you may meet someone.  It’s good to have our own cars,” I explained.

“
Okay, that’s cool.  I will text you as soon as we hang up,” he promised.  Stefano texted the address after we ended our conversation.  I didn’t want to hold him back just in case he wanted to stay longer.  What if I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to leave early?  I would feel very bad if he had to leave because of me.

I took a quick shower and made myself a hot cocoa and curled up on the couch with a celebrity gossip magazine to occupy my mind.  In the middle of the night, I awakened and realized I had fallen asleep on the couch with the magazine on my chest.  I headed upstairs and into bed, which felt very cozy that night, maybe because I hadn’t slept much the night before.  I surrendered to sleep as soon as my head h
it the pillow.

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The morning arrived rather quickly.  I jumped out of bed and showered and headed to work with a protein smoothie in my hand.  It was a day packed with unscheduled surprise meetings.  I enjoyed those days as the time flew by very quickly, leaving little or no time to think about my personal life.  Laura and I ate the leftover food from the meetings since there was absolutely no time to even go to the cafeteria to grab a bite to eat.  The physician’s staffing department was very behind also and asked for our help.

I was grateful when the clock struck five o’clock.  I changed into my dance clothes and headed to the studio.  Stefano tried to convince me to carpool with him to the Hallo
ween party, but I still declined.  “No, Stefano.  If we go together then you will use that as an excuse to leave together.  My job is to find you a date, remember?” I asked.  Class was about to begin, so he didn’t have any further arguments.

Stefano must have been taking his anger out on us, as he was very harsh during class that night.  He made us repeat the same move at least a dozen times and still wasn’t satisfied.  I was beyond exhausted and counted the
minutes until class was over.

“
See you Saturday if I don’t see you before then,” he said before I left.  I daydreamed about a warm bath with lavender oil on my way home.  My mother called on my way home to ensure that I would be joining the family dinner the following Friday.

“
Yeah, mom, I will definitely be there,” I replied.

“
That’s perfect.  We are finally going to have a quiet family dinner.  I’m looking forward to seeing all of you under one roof for a few hours,” she said.

“
Me too, mom.  I love you,” I replied.

“
I love you too, sweetheart,” she said.

As soon as I made it home, I drew the bath I had daydreamed about while driving.  It felt so soothing to soak in it after the difficult dance class Stefano ha
d put me through that evening.

After a long, warm
bath, I called Katherine, since she had left a message on my phone earlier that day.  She just wanted to know how I was doing.

“
How is everything going?” she asked.

“
Oh, Kathy, I don’t know.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  The bad days are horrible.  Sometimes I miss Alex so much that it hurts.  I don’t feel the same for Stefano as he feels for me.  I wish I did because it would be so much easier that way, but unfortunately life has to be difficult for me when it comes to these things,” I replied.

“
I’m sorry.  Don’t worry, you will heal in time,” she replied.

“
How’s everything with John?” I asked.

“
It’s going very good, actually.  I’ve been hinting here and there about a ring and marriage.  Not too much, but just enough to get him thinking,” she replied.

“
That’s good.  You sound happy, so that’s all that matters.  Enjoy every minute of your time together.  Sometimes I wish I could rewind to the good times when I was with Alex,” I replied, tears building up in my eyes.  My heart wanted Alex regardless of his marriage to Angela, but my brain was against it.

“
I could only imagine how horrible that must feel, Claire,” she replied.  That night was one of those nights that required a glass or two of wine, just enough to make the sad thoughts vanish for the night.  I knew it would all return by morning, but I didn’t care.  I needed temporary sanity, even if it were for a few hours.

It was a night that required
Coldplay on the iPod and a glass of wine in my hand, sitting on the verandah in my bathrobe sipping away.  I tried filling my head with happy thoughts, recalling the invitation to the Halloween party that Saturday.  After the second glass of wine was empty, I decided it was time to head to bed.

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When I arrived to work the following morning, Laura warned me that Taryn was in Walter’s office again.  She didn’t have an appointment, so she had barged into his office as usual.  That woman did not know how to follow directions to save her life.  After she left his office, Walter called and asked if I could go to his office.  I was afraid to find out what she had accused me of that time.  I headed to Walter’s office, nervous and my heart palpitating.

“
Good morning, Claire.  Have a seat, please,” he said, pointing to the chair.  I took a seat and waited to hear what he had to say.

“
Is everything all right with you?” he asked.

“
W-What do you mean?  Everything is fine,” I replied.

“
I know, Claire.  I’m just asking because it has been brought to my attention that you may have made a comment about another employee’s weight,” he said.

“
What?  That’s not true.  Is Taryn making accusations against me again?” I asked, furious.

“
How did you guess?  She said you indirectly called her heavy.  Look, Claire, I know she can be very difficult, but you must be very cautious about what you say to her or around her,” he advised.

“
Walter, it’s not true, though.  I never said she was heavy, nor did I ever talk about her weight at all,” I replied.

“
That’s what I thought.  I just needed to ask you and bring it to your attention.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to watch what you do or say around Taryn,” he said.

“
Thanks, Walter.  I would completely ignore her at all costs if I could,” I replied.  “I cannot believe she would stoop that low.  Well, actually, I can believe it, especially after what she tried to pull with the files last time,” I replied.  What was that woman’s problem and what did she want from me?  I had nothing that she wanted, especially since Alex and I weren’t even together.  She could have him if she wanted to.  I couldn’t help but wonder why she was out to get me.

“
Just be cautious, Claire,” Walter advised as I was leaving his office.

“
Thanks for looking out for me,” I replied and headed to my desk.

Laura couldn’t wait to hear why I had been called in to
Walter’s office after Taryn had been in there.  I told Laura what had taken place and she was just as surprised as I had been.

“
What the hell is she going to pull next?” she asked.  Laura couldn’t stand Taryn even more that I couldn’t stand her, if that was even possible.  “I could understand if you were with Alex because she seems to really like him, but you’re not even together anymore.  Maybe she’s jealous because she knows Alex is still in love with you.  That’s it!  She probably tried coming onto him and he pushed her away telling her that he still loves you and that’s what triggered all of this,” she said, very sure of herself.  “Claire, it’s obvious he’s not in love with Angela.  The only person in this world that he could possibly love is you.  That’s why she hates you with so much passion,” she noted.

“
All the more reason for me to try to find another job and get the hell out of this hospital,” I replied.  Laura lectured me as usual about the consequences of that especially with the crashing job market.  I really didn’t need stress at work and stress in my personal life.  I didn’t know what to do after the incident that morning.  I felt so angry.  She could have him if she wanted him so badly.  If she were as twisted as I thought she was, then she wouldn’t mind being his mistress while he went home to his wife every night.

Laura took me out to lunch that day because she knew I would explode if I didn’t get out of the office.  There were no dance classes that evening
, so I didn’t have an outlet for all the anger inside me.  I went home and changed into my running shoes and went for a long, fast run.  I ran more miles than I had since I began running again.  I must have run more than eight miles that night.  I had so much energy after the run that I returned to the condo and cleaned.  I cleaned and scrubbed every surface of that place.  It felt good to get all the negative energy out of my body.

After the run and the detailed cleaning, I showered
and drowned in a bottle of wine as I watched television in my bathrobe.

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The following morning, I awakened on the sofa.  I had fallen asleep while watching television.  I was glad when I realized it was Friday and I wouldn’t have to return to the drama at work until Monday.  Stefano called on my way to work and asked if I wanted to go out that night, but I declined, since I would see him the following day at the Halloween party.

Laura greeted me that morning wondering what type of mood I was in.  I was in a much better mood and
even Taryn Simmonds was not going to put a damper on that.  I didn’t care about her or her ability to sabotage my career.  I believed in karma and knew that one day it would turn around and bite her.

Chapter 17

Saturday morning was beautiful with clear skies and the sun shining bright in the sky.  I knew it was going to be a fun day with the Halloween party that night.  I drove to the grocery store and stocked up on groceries for the week, so I wouldn’t have to worry about that the following day.  I did an hour of yoga and even went for a run.  The weather was too perfect to pass up an outdoor run.  Stefano called to confirm the location and time he would meet me outside the house where the party was going to take place.  The party wouldn’t begin until eight in the evening, so I didn’t begin to get ready until after five o’clock.

I showered and pulled back my hair
, since I would be wearing a wig.  I applied heavier makeup than usual with crimson red lipstick.  I put on the short black wig shaped in a bob with bangs and the headband with a feather in it.  I wore the short, sexy flapper girl dress and fishnet stockings.  The black satin gloves went up past my elbows.  I had a long pearl necklace that I tied a knot in and it hung low, down to my naval.  I wore black patent leather stiletto heels and examined myself in the mirror.  After a few adjustments, I approved of the look and headed out.