Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (31 page)

Please go home, Alex.  Please.

He drove off into the fog and heavy rain.  My heart sank to the floor again.  I had no appetite and did not anticipate I’d ever eat again.  I was completely out of tears and feared I would dehydrate if I shed another drop. The more I read his last text, the more depressed I became.  He was right.  He didn’t lie to me, but kept me in the dark.  I wished I had asked him if he was married or had ever been married.  Maybe then he would have told me about Angela.  Another thought came to my mind.  I wondered if they had any children.  I wondered if he was a father and I had no idea about that either. What kind of a man would do this to his wife while she was battling a disease? The million thoughts in my mind were going to give me a mental breakdown.

Since I had
moved in, Alex kept me company.  I didn’t know how to be at my new place without him there with me. To be by myself in my condo made me feel so lonely, I felt as if I would soon die from loneliness. The sudden thought of sleeping alone that night hit me from out of nowhere.  I decided I would stay awake all night.  My eyes would not be closing.  I even thought about sleeping on the couch, so I wouldn’t feel the pain of sleeping in my bed alone.  The thoughts were like a roller coaster in my head, one bad thought rolled around after another.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I had to call Katherine.  I needed to talk to someone if I wanted to keep my sanity.  I quickly dialed her number.

“
Hey Claire, what’s up?” she asked in her usual happy tone.

“
K-K-Kathy, I have bad news,” I said sobbing.  I knew the tears would start up again when I tried to speak with someone.

“
What’s going on?  What happened?  Don’t cry, Claire, just tell me what happened?  Are you okay?” she asked, concerned.

“
It’s Alex.  We broke up, Kathy.  I-I don’t even know where to begin,” I replied, crying my eyes out once more.

“
I’m coming over,” she said and hung up the phone.

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Katherine showed up soon after we spoke.  She hugged me tightly, consoling me and trying to comfort me while I just sobbed.  I told her everything that had happened at Alex’s house, about Angela and how she had come over and claimed to be his wife.  How he had admitted that he was indeed married to her.  I showed her his last text and she even got a little teary eyed.

“
I wonder what disease his wife has.  I’m shocked, Claire.  I can’t wrap my brain around it.  I really liked Alex a lot.  I can’t believe he turned out to be such an ass,” she said.  “He really seemed to be head over heels with you and it was so obvious.  Maybe he doesn’t love her.  I know, it’s sad if she’s sick and may be dying or something,” she added.

Katherine tried feeding me
, but it didn’t work.  If I had attempted putting anything in my mouth, I knew I would be sick to my stomach.  She was concerned about my weight just like everyone else.  She offered to spend the night to keep me company, but I didn’t want her to go out of her way for me.  Besides, John would probably want her to go home and I knew she had to work the following day as well as I did.  The thought of going to work at the same place Alex worked killed me.  That was the reason why I shouldn’t have dated a man I worked with.  I knew it would be difficult if we had a bad break up and that was exactly what happened.  I wanted to kick myself for going against my rules, but it was too late.

I led Katherine out to her car and noticed the rain still coming down hard.
  “Listen, if there’s anything I can do for you, just call,” she hugged me tightly.  “You’re going to be fine, Claire.  I promise,” she said as she sat in her car and drove off.  At that moment, it didn’t seem like I would ever be fine again.  Life would never be as it had been before Alex.  I wished I had never met him at all, so I wouldn’t feel so wounded.  I occupied my time with laundry, trying to get everything off my mind.  I began to clean my bathrooms, mopped the floors.  After all that, I even did yoga for an hour.  I sure wasn’t going to bed that night.

I took a shower, a very long hot shower and cried some more.  My eyes were so red and swollen that I didn’t know how I was going to be seen in public the following day.  I got dressed and headed downstairs to pour myself a glass of wine.  I flipped through the television channel
s, hoping there would be something funny to watch.  I needed a change of mood desperately.  I sipped and sipped on many glasses of wine until the bottle was empty.

I woke up early the next morning with the remote in my hand and the television still on. 
My heart was so heavy that I had no idea how I pulled myself off of that couch.  I took another shower to wake up, applied as much makeup as I could to hide my red and swollen eyes.  No matter what I tried, I still looked terrible.  I was surprised to find myself in the parking structure at work.  My mind was elsewhere and I had no idea how I had made it to work.  Laura was the first to notice that something was not right with me.  I tried to avoid looking at anyone directly, so they would not notice my eyes, but Laura noticed immediately.

“
Hey,” she whispered, “have you been crying?” she asked.

“
No,” I lied.

“
Claire, what’s wrong?  Did something happen?” she asked.

“
I will tell you over lunch,” I replied, my eyes tearing, “but for now, I don’t want to talk about anything that’s going to make me emotional,” I added.

Laura understood and did not ask any further questions while we worked.  I opened my work email and noticed I had one from Mark Kohler.

Hello Claire,

I’m sorry about what happened with you and Alex.  I’m here if
you need a shoulder to cry on.

Mark

I was not in the mood for Mark or his emails.  I deleted the email and went about my work.  I found myself in a daze that entire morning.  Lunchtime arrived and Laura reminded me that we had a lunch date.  We went to the Cuban deli for lunch and I told Laura about the weekend events.  She was just as shocked as Katherine had been, if not more.

“
You know what’s interesting to me, Claire?” she asked, “If he was married, then why wasn’t he afraid to date you out in the open?  I mean, every time you wanted it to be on the down low, Alex always wanted Mark and everyone else to know that you were seeing him.  That’s a little odd behavior for a married man, don’t you think?” she asked.

“
I don’t know what to think anymore, Laura,” I said, and noticed I had only taken one bite of my sandwich and did not want to eat anymore.  Even though I knew I would starve to death if I didn’t start eating more food. I just didn’t care.

“
I just think there’s more to the story that you don’t know, that’s all.  Keep an open mind and an open heart,” she advised.  I knew it was easier said than done.  Laura was a very smart girl and I knew I should take her advice. “One day, you will look back on this day and laugh.  Whether you end up with Alex or not, it’s going to be okay in the future.  I just know it,” she assured.

“
Thanks, Laura.  I really needed to hear that.  I don’t know what I would do without you,” I replied.

The deli was very crowded during lunchtime and the line was very long by the time we were halfway done with our food.  There was a couple standing in line next to our table.  I noticed they were both wearing dance attire with
Mancini Dance Studio
written on the back of their t-shirts.  I recalled that name.  My friend Kristen that I used to dance with had sent me an email asking me to join that dance studio.  It was one of the most popular dance studios and even offered career opportunities for those who were interested in something more than just improving their dance skills.

“
Excuse me,” I asked, “do you dance at Mancini?”

“
Yes, we do,” replied the woman, no older than I.  They both had an amazing dancer’s body.

“
My friend Kristen also dances there.  Kristen Spears,” I said.

“
Oh yeah, of course I know Kristen,” she said, her face lighting up.  “She’s a very good dancer,” she replied.

“
I’m Claire Morgan, it’s nice to meet you,” I replied.

“
Nice to meet you, Claire.  I’m Mackenzie and this is Pete,” she said.  Are you a dancer also?” she asked.

“
I used to dance until a few years ago.  Kristen wanted me to join the studio, but I was too involved with school, so it wouldn’t have worked out,” I replied.

“
How about now?  Maybe you should give it a try,” said Mackenzie.

“
It might not be a bad idea.  I’m very rusty and could use a little help.  I will get a hold of Kristen and get more information from her.  It was nice meeting you two,” I replied.

“
Nice meeting you, also.  Hopefully we will run into you at the studio soon,” she said and walked forward in line.

Laura looked at me with her eyes bright, “I didn’t know you were a dancer,” she winked.

“Not that kind of a dancer, Laura,” I said poking her arm with my index finger.

“
Maybe it’s not a bad idea to go back to dancing, Claire.  Get your mind off of everything that’s been going on.  I’m not a dancer, but even I have heard about that studio.  It’s pretty popular.  Professional dancers come out of that studio,” she added.

“
I don’t want to be a professional dancer, Laura.  I think I just need an activity to pass the time.  It’s not too far from here, so if I were to dance after work, then go home, I would bypass all the traffic,” I noted.

Laura agreed.  She said she had taken classes before
, but she had two left feet, so there was no hope for her.  “Laura, there’s always hope.  Dancing is the best outlet for stress, which is exactly what I might need right now,” I said.

We headed back to work and I noticed I was feeling much better.  I knew I would get through all the heartache soon enough.  It was just going to take time
, but I was strong.  If I had gotten over the attack, I knew I could get through anything in life that was handed to me.

We were already late to work
, so we hurried back.  As we walked into the hospital building, we headed for the elevator.  The elevator doors opened before we reached it and I noticed Alex started to come out of it.  I grabbed Laura’s arm and pulled her towards the door to the stairs.  “Laura, it’s Alex,” I whispered.  “Let’s take the stairs, please.” We began climbing the stairs as I heard someone calling after me.  It was Alex.

“
Claire, wait,” he called, running after me, catching up to me.

“
I will see you back at the office, Claire,” Laura said and continued to climb up.

I turned to Alex, “What is it, Alex?”

“I j-just wanted to see how you’re doing, that’s all,” he replied.  Alex hadn’t shaved and his hair wasn’t perfectly combed.  He looked like a mess.

“
I’m perfectly fine and need to get back to work.  I’m already late,” I replied and ran up the steps.  I heard Alex climb back down and open the door to the stairway and leave.  I had to be tough.  Even though I wanted to throw myself into his arms and stay there forever, I knew that I had to hold my head up high and move on with my life.  He had a wife to go back to at home and I would not get in the way of his marriage.  He may have done the wrong thing, but I was going to do the right thing, even if my heart couldn’t handle the pain.

“
That was fast,” said Laura when she saw me return to my desk shortly after she had.

“
I know.  I didn’t have much to say to him.  My heart is still beating so fast, Laura.  I was hoping I wouldn’t see him today.  I had to pretend I didn’t care and that was so hard to do.  Alex may be a surgeon, but I know I’m stronger than him.  I have to be if I don’t want to get between him and his sick wife,” I replied.

“
You’re doing the right thing, Claire.  It must be so hard, but it’s the right thing,” she assured.  “Now all you have to do is eat.  I noticed you hardly touched your food during lunch.

“
I know I know.  I’m going to try harder to eat because I’m really running out of energy,” I replied.

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On my drive home, I called Kristen to ask her about Mancini Dance Studio.  She was so excited that I wanted to check it out.

“You just have to fill out some paperwork with basic information.  They determine what level you’re at by testing you.  It’s kind of like an audition, I guess.  The instructor does a small skit and you try to mimic it.  That way, they can determine what classes you should sign up for.  You’re obviously not a beginner, you’re pretty intermediate, if not advanced,” she said.

Kristen was very informative and happy to hear from me.  I was to go to the studio the following night
after work to see for myself if I liked it and to hopefully sign up.  I hadn’t seen Kristen in a very long time and was happy I would finally get to see her and possibly dance with her again.  I needed to bury myself in activities to get over my emotional stresses.  I would do whatever it took to get over Alex, so he could go on with his life with Angela, as a good husband should.