Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (9 page)

Once Wahlberg puts on the suit, have him follow you back into the open. Tempt him with: “Mark, I think I saw a ‘set’ or ‘moving picture machine’ over this way,” where the waiting T. rex will devour him …

Step one complete.

Now deal with the dinosaur. I can already see you skipping ahead. “T. rex? That’s easy, I just trick it into putting on a cow-suit, then wait for a bigger T. rex to come along and eat it, right? Or maybe I find some new, even bigger monster, then trick the T. rex into a giant costume of whatever it is the bigger thing eats!”

Um … no. Don’t be stupid. Most T. rex don’t care about acting. Those that do are far better at telling a good script from a bad script than Mark Wahlberg.

The Tyrannosaurus rex (known as the “thunder lizard” due to its habit of frolicking in grassy meadows during rainstorms) is easily the most violent, bloodthirsty predator ever to earn the adoration of children the world over. You’re going to be disappointing many, many children with what you’re about to do, just know that.

Take out a second cow-suit and using pantomime, reveal to the lizard that he just ate his buddy, Mark Wahlberg, and not some random, vaguely suspicious-looking cow with a human face that stood on two legs. He will shed a massive dino tear that will roll off of him, shaking the ground on impact. Grab the toaster you’ve set aside and hurl it into the tear-pond now at the creature’s feet. The beast will be instantly electrocuted. Done!

Urgent warning:
Now that you’ve beaten the creature, you’re going to be tempted to treat yourself. PLEASE, though we all know it’d be delicious, resist the urge to make yourself a plate of celebratory toast. That toaster is still electrified and could prove fatal.

The ultimate, most prized, and cherished evolution of the lowly human. Whether they did something great, or something truly awful, matters little. They have achieved the pinnacle. Having attained this position, after a brief period of bliss, the rest of the humans will seek to tear down the “celebrity.” They do it metaphorically. We don’t.

HOW TO BEAT UP DAVID HASSELHOFF

Ah, but which Hasselhoff to target? The ’80s designer jean wearing, hunk-throb “Michael Knight”? The ’90s swimsuited and slow-motion version from
Baywatch
? Or the current, bloated version probably mere moments away from some new public calamity? The only way to cover all your bases (
rebel bases—Star Wars
reference) is to game plan for the best Hasselhoff imaginable—a supercharged Hasselhoff, comprised of every era’s Hoff, in possession of the very best qualities of all the diverse characters he’s played over the years. And he’ll have a talking car.

TARGET PROFILE

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:

David will have the extra lung capacity and endurance required of a Malibu-certified lifeguard, the caginess and wherewithal of an operative of the Foundation for Law and Government (the organization that David’s character worked for on the show
Knight Rider
), and the uh, propensity for poor decision making and wildly inappropriate behavior of the current David Hasselhoff.

WEAPONS/GEAR:

His fight attire will consist of the leather jacket worn during the filming of
Knight Rider,
granting him a greater-than-average resistance to body punches and brass knuckle attacks on the areas covered by the jacket. He will also be wearing the skimpy red shorts from
Baywatch,
granting him increased mobility and flexibility below the waist. Perfect for kicking and then leaping gracefully out of harm’s way.

David will be wearing a watch capable of summoning a talking car. Specifically, KITT (Knight Industries Two Thousand). Not, like, any talking car that happens to be in the vicinity. That would be ridiculous.

VEHICLE:

A talking car. KITT has the ability to “micro jam” certain electronic and mechanical equipment, so don’t plan on using your cell phone during the fight. In fact, never plan on using your cell phone during a fight, even when not facing a talking car with jamming technology. Not for any strategic reason, it’s just rude. If you’re punching a man in the face when your cell buzzes, glance at it quickly, turn it off, apologize, then resume battering him in the neck and head region.

KITT has the ability to “turbo boost” into the air. He sometimes uses this to slam through chain-link fences. He’s also virtually indestructible. If David is able to retreat to the safe confines of KITT’s impenetrable interior, the battle will have been lost. That being said, super or not, he’s still just a car. Just, you know, plan to battle David somewhere a car can’t follow. Basically, anywhere that’s not a road or highway.

As soon as the battle begins, begin throwing kicks to Hasselhoff’s exposed legs. Target those gams and let loose with all you’ve got. I’ve probably seen every Hasselhoff fight committed to film and I’ve yet to see anyone try to kick him in the legs. That and the fact that they are totally unprotected, tells me that’s your path to victory.

At some point he will grow angry and resort to utilizing his secret weapon. You see, David Hasselhoff is capable of harnessing an incredible superpower that grants him a 50 percent greater resistance to injury and increases both his strength and likelihood of vomiting. He transforms via a magic bottle, or sometimes a small metal flask. If he drinks from the elixir, he will transform, like Popeye the sailor man, into a much more dangerous foe. With that power will also come recklessness and a greater chance for David to make an error in judgment. His face will redden, and his voice will crack like thunder, as he bellows at you. Raging like a furious sea except a man and not a sea, this shows—much like the puffer fish, expanding to scare off attackers—an indication that Hasselhoff is fading and attempting to scare you off before collapsing. Stay the course, and continue leg kicking him.

After he’s done, take his communicator watch. If you can do a halfway decent Hasselhoff impression maybe you can trick KITT into thinking you’re him and he’ll take you for a ride. Might be fun.

HOW TO BEAT UP PATTON OSWALT

(with a rebuttal from Patton)

I’ve spent many years in the backs of various comedy clubs, watching and enjoying Patton as he performs. Or have I? Was I watching his hilarious comedy? Or was I secretly scouting him for an inevitable battle? Well, both, I guess. I mean, c’mon, he’s really funny and sometimes that made it hard to focus on just scouting him. But scout I did.

Now, for all those years, was Patton just walking onstage and grabbing a mic? Or was he really showing me a weakness for exposing his ribs when utilizing his right hand? Did he just simply pick up and drop the mic stand to emphasize a certain punch line? Or did he reveal his ability to torque his whole body to get great leverage when delivering a downward blow? Was he telling an enthralling tale about a time-travel visit to meet George Lucas before the
Star Wars
prequels or was he?… Actually, yeah, I think that’s all he was doing there. I just started listening to the bit for that one. It’s pretty great. You should check it out. The point is, I’ve done my homework.

Here’s what makes him so dangerous. Patton was a nerd growing up and so he possesses the nerd’s tenacity and toughness. Pain, abuse, misery—these are no strangers to the nerd. The nerd learns to live with these harsh elements, eventually embracing them and making them their own, a process that toughens one far beyond the comprehension of any mere jock or burnout. Fortunately, I, too, was a nerd, and so have a similar iron core of nerd strength to call upon.

Another factor is his well-documented love of comic books.
Big deal,
you say? Well what that means is this man has studied the moves and combat techniques of the greatest warriors of all-time. Gods, heroes, barbarian kings—he’s privy to all of their combined knowledge. He knows how The Batman was able to go toe-to-toe with Superman in
The Dark Knight Returns
. He knows how a smaller, weaker, gray Hulk was able to defeat a much more powerful Thing during Peter David’s run on
The Incredible Hulk.
Oswalt knows the hat size of the Stilt-Man’s butler’s wife. Oswalt knows this and more …

The way to beat Oswalt is mentally, not physically. When you can make your foe angry, and force him to fight with rage rather than intelligence, he’ll make mistakes. But how to anger him? Well, knowing Patton to also be a huge movie buff, I’d say the best way is to sneak into a theater screening a movie he loves (
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly?
), and then talk loudly during the movie. Enter after Oswalt’s taken his seat, then sit four rows behind him. As soon as the lights dim, begin chortling, chatting, and making mundane observations aloud, such as: “Hey! That looks like Clint Eastwood. Is he in this? Does this one got the monkey in it? Right turn, Clyde! Haw haw!” After a few unheeded
shushes,
Oswalt will become enraged.

As he approaches you in the near darkness, signal the theater owner (who you’ve bribed earlier) to switch the film from the Eastwood classic to an old episode of
According to Jim.
Oswalt’s rage will increase tenfold, his blood will boil, his eyes will fog over in a haze of fury … and you’ve got him. Fight him using basic suburban strip mall karate—a martial art he’d have never deemed worthy of knowing about, and thus, is unprepared for.

Over the course of researching and writing this book, I shared this entry with Pattern Oswalt himself, who very kindly offered the following reply:

PATTON OSWALT’S REBUTTAL

Kevin should have made this entry fifty pages longer. Anything to delay his ever meeting me. I know the Bleeding Lotus. I learned it from Tom Arnold. That’s all you need to know. Seccia is living on borrowed time.

—Patton Oswalt

3/15/10

HOW TO BEAT UP JON HAMM

(with a rebuttal from Jon)

Jon Hamm is known for playing the dapper Don Draper on
Mad Men,
as well as doing a phenomenal job on NBC’s
30 Rock,
but mainly for being God’s gift to the sighted. And not just any gift, mind you. Hamm is like that one huge gift that your parents got you that they made you count as both a birthday and Christmas gift, that’s how big it was. His face is like the working train set and pony, COMBINED, of God’s gifts.

Jon Hamm, as funny as he is, and as great an actor as he is, will—when all is said and done—be primarily known for having made the state of being blind that much worse. THAT, will be his legacy. There are blind dudes getting Jon Hamm’s ruggedly intense, open and yet inscrutable, features described to them right now by swooning, puppy-love-stricken doctors and nurses across the land: “Carl, listen to me. Picture a mix of Cary Grant and Adonis carved from a block of whatever dreams are made of, combined with a smile that melts lead, the photo that comes up when you google ‘stupidly handsome,’ and the healthy, ruddy glow of a man who may have gone mountain climbing just that morning … Now double the handsomeness. You see what I’m describing? Good. That man is an ogre compared to Jon Hamm. Now get out of my sight.” And those blind eyes are shedding tears any sighted man would be proud of.

Other factors:

1.
He’s an actor, which normally wouldn’t present too much of a problem, BUT, he’s got the distinction of being on the best drama on TV and then, when it struck his fancy, he appeared on by far the best comedy on TV,
30 Rock,
and owned the shit out of that, too. Oh, what about sketch comedy, you say? Well, he has had three critically acclaimed hosting stints on SNL (Sonoma’s Nightly Laughtermath) but also on NBC’s long-running
Saturday Night Live.
That being the case there is no reason he couldn’t transition that drive and ability into also becoming a phenomenal fighter, if he so chose. Drama and comedy are easily as far apart as acting tough and legit tough, so do not take him lightly. The reality is, it would take him at least a few months to do this, so you must strike before he begins serious training.