Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (10 page)

2.
He plays Don Draper and so is capable of harnessing the malevolent fury of a man in search of answers, meaning, and alcohol. The character is also a silver-tongued charm-machine so be aware that he could at any point talk you out of wanting to fight him, even mid-fight. His job is selling people and he could easily sell you on the idea of letting him hit you in the face while you hand him the contents of your wallet.

Here’s how you beat up Jon Hamm. Not sure if it’s come up, but he’s a handsome guy. Go for his face, it’s his prize, and he’ll try to protect it. You’re saying, “Big deal we all have a face and the face is usually the main target in a fight.” No offense, ugly, but we don’t have a face like his. We’re talking world-class handsome coming to bear here. He’s walking around with two million dollars hanging out up there. Picture yourself wearing a glimmering diamond necklace (don’t worry, it’s tasteful) when some guy steps up trying to attack you. Your first instinct will be to protect the necklace.

So you go to the body. Even after your plan is clear, and you’ve landed a few shots to his ribs, he’ll still be nervous about exposing an opening and possibly getting a broken nose. Picture fighting Michelangelo’s
David
if it were sentient and aware of how precious and expensive it was. He’d be pretty wary of you chipping him, right? (By the way,
David
is DISGUSTING compared to Jon Hamm. He’d wilt and turn brown like a Meerschaum pipe, if even exposed to Hamm.) You feint the head and he’ll bring that guard right back up to protect it. That’s when you whack the ribs. Use hooks, jabs, and when in close, knees, all thrown to the body. Repeat until he eventually drops. You’ve probably just become the target of misguided women the globe over, for marring the man they’d expected to one day have angry sex with, but on the plus side, you beat up Jon Hamm!

JON HAMM’S REBUTTAL

I’ve never lost a fight to a guy named “Kevin,” and I can’t imagine you’d be the first.

—Love,

Jonathan Daniel Hamm

7/28/10

HOW TO BEAT UP ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

(with a rebuttal from Zach)

Zach Galifianakis is a super-funny comedian turned movie star. He hails from a place called North Carolina, where he now owns a farm. A farm whose chief crop is apparently ridiculous beards. Zach, despite international film stardom, resembles a … Well, picture a cop who went undercover as a hobo, whose squad then completely forgot about him for a period of several weeks. Okay, now, you see the actual hobo sitting next to him? That’s Zach.

Zach on a good day looks like he should be carving furniture out of tree stumps in a quaint New England storefront. Or selling homemade soap he makes from flax seed and otter sweat.

Other factors. Based on what I know of Zach, I’d guess that he is into some ridiculous, possibly antiquated sport like handball or squash. Or badminton, yeah I bet he likes playing badminton with a detached smirk. Is dropping food onto sweaters a sport? If it is, he does that, too.

Also, Zach is Greek. So if he presents you with a large wooden horse as a gift, it probably means he forgot about your birthday and just got it last minute at some airport gift shop. What a dick.

Zach is not a fighter, but should you need to dispatch him, this is how. The source of Zach’s comedy and heretofore untapped fighting abilities, is his ubiquitous piano. Destroy the piano and you destroy Zach. Approach him as he sits behind the piano. First, target the stick thing that holds up the piano lid. Break the stick, sending the lid crashing down. The loud noise will give you an edge by frightening Zach. Then do that thing where you slam the, uh, wooden thing that covers the keys down onto Zach’s hands. I’m pretty sure I saw a cartoon mouse do this once. Now, other than the fact that I’m a moron with a depressingly simplistic grasp on the parts of a piano, what else do we know? We know that Zach is seated, not standing, so adjust your punches accordingly. Alternate between punching Zach and the piano.

Also … the beard. Besides delivering a preposterous amount of jaded irony, the beard acts as a defense. The bushiness absorbs most of the force from your punches. I’ve also heard rumors that he keeps a handgun stashed in there. Avoid the beard’s defenses by targeting the forehead. His brittle Greek form will fall apart after a few blows like week-old souvlaki.

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS’S REBUTTAL

Kevin,

I am not a fighter. Here is a quote I heard at a wedding once:

The pearly treasures of the sea,

The lights that spatter heaven above,

More precious than these wonders are

My heart-of-hearts filled with your love.

The ocean’s power, the heavenly sights

Cannot outweigh a love filled heart.

And sparkling stars or glowing pearls

Pale as love flashes, beams and darts.

So, little, youthful maiden come

Into my ample, feverish heart

For heaven and earth and sea and sky

Do melt as love has melt my heart.

—Zach Galifianakis

5/30/10

HOW TO BEAT UP BELOVED ACTOR TOM HANKS

What is wrong with you? No one should beat up Tom Hanks. By all accounts he is the sweetest, kindest human man to ever live. He’s far too gentlemanly, far too dignified, topped-to-the-brim as he is with Americana and aw-shucks appeal (perhaps even a dash of down-home-iness
*
) to engage in such a barbaric ritual. He’ll leave that to the less-evolved creatures—namely, you, me, and everyone else.

Not only should no one be attempting to beat up Tom Hanks, but Tom Hanks should not be attempting to beat up anyone else. Neither the punchee nor the puncher should Tom Hanks be. In fact, I don’t think he should even be anywhere near any sort of fisticuffs situation. (
Fistuation?
If you nodded “no” to yourself, you are correct.) Ever. Not in any capacity.

Okay, let’s say an omnipotent alien-being comes down from the stars with a special freeze ray, uses it to imprison Tom Hanks in a Captain Kirk-like battle zone, and then says to me: “Um, listen to me, he’s going to be involved in just such a fighting scenario, in some way, and you’ve got to choose how … or else.” What would I do?

I’d say okay, he’s going to be the guy who enters as the two combatants start to brawl (at this point, let’s say one of the combatants is me) and grabs them both by the collars and orders them to “Knock it off.” He tells the other guy to “Run on home,” and then dusts me off a bit before asking, “Now, what was all that fighting stuff about?” At this point I’d tearfully explain the whole thing and Tom would tell a story. About what, I don’t know. After all, I’m no Tom Hanks. But it would brighten my mood, put everything—including the rest of my life—in perspective, and it would probably involve an astronaut, or a rusty tractor that everyone had given up on.

To sum up. No one should beat up Tom Hanks.

Or at least that’s where I was. Then I thought about it again. All of that applies to the Tom Hanks we have today. Who’s to say what kind of Tom Hanks we’ll have tomorrow? A Tom Hanks gone rogue? A Tom Hanks unchecked by the rest of humanity, free to run roughshod over all we’ve built and achieved? I’m not saying he has it in him or that it will definitely happen. The Tom Hanks of today gives us no indication of a ruthless, ironfisted and most likely goateed Tom Hanks crushing humanity under his boot heel. Have you seen the movie,
The Manchurian Candidate
? I haven’t. Sorry, just wondering. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to see that movie. I’ll get back to Tom Hanks now.

I’d hate to think of what would happen were I to suddenly perish and take all my Tom Hanks fighting know-how to the grave with me. The knowledge of that would be a terrible cross to bear … I mean, granted, I’m already dead in this scenario so I probably wouldn’t be too concerned, but you get my meaning. If there’s even a small chance my ghost will be forced to wander the Earth trying to set things right, I’d rather just pass on the information now.

Warning:
This is for emergency use only. At least three others should be witness to and in agreement regarding Tom Hanks’s rogue status before any one of you should attempt to take him down.

His weakness … is his giant heart. Literally, his heart is the size of an enormous pumpkin. It occupies the majority of his upper body and chest region. Any blow to that area will hurt him like an actual punch to his heart would. Good luck … and may God have mercy on your soul for punching Tom Hanks.

HOW TO BEAT UP GEORGE CLOONEY

George Clooney might not seem like a difficult foe—handsome, Hollywood movie star, getting on in years—but nothing could be further from the truth. (Okay, that’s not exactly accurate—many, many statements have indeed been “further from the truth” than the idea that George Clooney would be easy to beat up. In fact, I’d say most statements made on a daily basis would fall into this category. My apologies. Sometimes hyperbole can be intoxicating.)

Clooney has one weapon that most opponents do not, a limitless pool of charm and charisma capable of knocking you off your mission before you’ve even realized what’s happened. Regardless of your resolve, his charm is so powerful there’s a very real risk of him distracting you by merely asking you something seemingly innocuous, like if your sweater is new or if you found Rhode Island to your liking on your last visit.

In the hands of someone less charming these questions would be just that, questions. Harmless queries you could choose to answer, or not, before throwing a punch … but not here. His affable, good-natured, easygoing charm in asking those question will send you off into peals of giggles, blushes, and awkward attempts to return his
banter-ish
volley. Then he’ll walk off with a twinkle in his eye after laying down a quick, firm, big
brother-ish
grasp on your shoulder, and you’ll stand there smiling like an idiot for twenty minutes. YOU’VE GOT TO FOCUS. You must be committed to fighting him. It is very easy to get distracted and lost in his
suave-alanche
. He’ll dazzle you off your task without even trying.

Don’t believe me?

Remember that scene in
Out of Sight
? The one where he’s funny and breezy and effortlessly cool. You know, EVERY SCENE HE’S IN. And then that one where he’s on the elevator and he sees Jennifer Lopez and … Man that was awesome. I don’t even like Jennifer Lopez. She’s clearly terrible, and yet, you see Clooney pining for her and you’re like: “Shit, he likes her? Who the fuck am I to go against Clooney’s opinion in matters involving ladies? Maybe I better take a second look.” And you do, and she’s still kinda “who cares” but the fact that he’s selling it and you’re buying the whole star-crossed lovers thing makes you like him even more …

Hey, remember that
Esquire
article where he shows up at that reporter’s house, grabs an apron, and makes him dinner in his own kitchen and then calls the guy’s mother on the phone to explain to her why her son decided to become a writer rather than go to medical school and why that was okay? Wow, right?

And what’s with him always looking like someone combined tweed, deer pheromones, and a lock of Cary Grant’s hair—and then used that substance to custom-tailor a suit for him? He looks great, is what I’m saying. I mean, if you told me a scientist had isolated the “dapper” gene, I’d half expect to look into the microscope to see a million tiny Clooney heads smiling up at me. I really would. Then, another time I saw him on—

Shit, it’s happening! I got so distracted by how cool he is I forgot the whole point of all this! I wanted to tell you about his last talk show appearance! When he walked out he passed by one of those fake plastic plants they have to decorate the set, and the plant actually leaned in to hug Clooney as he walked by! I swear. I think Clooney’s charm actually bestowed sentience onto a plastic plant! Then, Clooney winked and crops grew on a barren desert and …

HOW TO BEAT UP STEVEN SEAGAL

If you’re reading a book that promises to teach you how to beat up anything, it’s a pretty good bet you need no introduction to Steven Seagal. In fact, if you bought this book and it didn’t include a section on Steven Seagal, you’d have deserved to get your money back. Well, here’s that section. And luckily for you the answer to the question of how to beat up Seagal isn’t: “Be Jean-Claude Van Damme.”