Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (7 page)

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

2 16-oz. T-bone steaks

3 yards of 8 lb. test fishing line

A black magic marker

A sharp knife

A clean, organized space in which to work

Place your hand onto one of the raw steaks, and spread your fingers as wide as possible. Then, much as you would when making a Thanksgiving “hand turkey,” use the marker to trace the outline of your fingers onto the meat.

Cut the hand shape out of the meat, and then use it to trace the pattern onto the other steak. Now sew the two pieces together using the fishing line. Slip the glove on and you’re all set.

Once your glove has been created, carry it with you whenever you feel you might come into contact with a vegan. Store it in a small mini cooler, just as you would any other piece of raw meat you’re carrying with you on your person as you go about your daily errands. Once you’ve encountered and begun whatever altercation you’re having with the vegan, and it’s clear that things will shortly come to blows, calmly remove your meat glove, put it on, and then open and close your fingers menacingly, while narrowing your eyes at the vegan.

This gambit is ENTIRELY dependent on the following happening: The vegan will see the glove, possibly vomit, and then be so crushed and distraught at the idea you’ve slaughtered an animal merely to make a glove to then use to beat up another animal, that they’ll run away in horror. If this happens … Yeah! You did it!

Now, there’s also a chance—a pretty likely one—that the vegan will have the opposite reaction. The sight of the gloves will not intimidate them but will instead ignite a white-hot rage within them—a rage stoked by the kindling of your insensitive and foolish ploy—that will burn furiously until justice has been served. The vegan will attack until you resemble the meat you once wore, rampaging with the strength of a person unhindered by animal fats and enzymes, calling upon limitless reserves of energy born of many meals of grain and wheat.

Eventually they’ll bury you next to your meat gloves in an adjoining plot. The vegan will cry for both of you during a tasteful ceremony before adjourning for an unsatisfying meal of kale and flax seeds.

Obviously we’re looking for something along the lines of the first scenario, rather than the second. Godspeed.

For some reason, people can’t seem to get enough of these obnoxious, often fur-covered creatures. In fact, the only thing worse than a person is an animal. You think your dad is stupid? Man, he’s a damn genius next to these lumbering cattle. I mean, some of them are literally cattle!

A few of them get extra brain cred for approaching the intelligence level of an uncommonly stupid human child. (Yes,
you,
dolphins. Oh, wait, that’s right, I just remembered:
You can’t read this
.) Sometimes, despite all outward appearances of cuddliness, an animal will suddenly turn on a human. What follows is everything you’ll need to turn right back on them. And get yourself a shit-ton of animal pelts. Who knows, that look could come back.

HOW TO BEAT UP A BOXING KANGAROO

Boxing kangaroos are notable for being one of the few animals able to break into actual sports competition, as opposed to merely being the mascot for some other species (usually human) who’s playing a sport. Horseracing is another one, a sport very popular with down-on-their-luck gamblers. Donkeys help out in donkey basketball, as do horses in polo, but more as equipment than as the star. Rest assured if some eight-foot kangaroo knocks out a drunk guy from Dublin, he’s the star and all eyes will be on him—partially to make sure the pugilist isn’t still punching people in the neck in a blind fury—which brings me to this point:

The modifier “boxing” gives you the impression that this creature is skilled in the sweet science.
Ha!
The very notion is a slap in the face to the sport of boxing. Umm “boxing”? A “boxing” kangaroo, that’s what you’re claiming? Hardly. Correct me if I’m wrong, but all I’ve seen them throw is a jab followed by a right hand, followed by a jab and another right hand, followed by, yup, another jab and another right hand.

I’m sorry, no uppercut? No, range-finding jab followed by a hook? Well, that’s weird. In all the fights I’ve seen involving so-called boxing kangaroos I’ve yet to see even one triple jab/duck under/left hook followed by an uppercut combo. No feints, either. It’s almost as if this kangaroo has no idea what he’s doing, and has zero strategy going in. Like he’s almost just repeating some simple command over and over. I don’t call that boxing, I call it GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS. Maybe it’s laziness in the gym that’s holding the ’roo back, or maybe an unwillingness to really put in the time and dedication for their chosen profession, or maybe a lack of creativity in the ring, but whatever its root cause, it’s preventing the ’roo from being a true title contender. All the better for you.

The second issue that pops up is, their kangaroo pouch should be illegal. It is clearly not regulation attire.
Am I permitted to wear a hoodie, with God-knows-what stashed in the pocket, into the ring? I can’t bring a backpack into the fight, can I?
*
No. Then the same goes for him. He could have a gun in there! Although, if the pouch is tight enough maybe I could see the outline of the gun through the pouch … but who knows?!? We have no way of knowing whether a particular ’roo has a saggy pouch or a tight pouch or a pouch with another pocket hidden inside it. The technology just isn’t there yet, and until it is, they need to tape that thing closed during the fight. Or turn it inside out like a poor person on line for week-old soup.

Another thing I’ve noticed—these boxing kangaroos are not gentlemen in the ring. One time I saw one who kept punching after the bell! And it only stopped punching when two of its corner men dragged him off. They had to shoot him with a tranq gun.

This happened after almost every round. The exception was after Round 5 when the kangaroo immediately went to a neutral corner and began lapping up some water that had been spilled.

Your opponent has the following weapons in its arsenal. Two mule kick-like punches to punch you with, as well as two kangaroo kick-like kicks to kick you with. I’m not sure which is more lethal, you’d have to ask the ghost of the guy who’s been hit by both. THAT’S HOW LETHAL THEY ARE.

Step One:
Avoid the clumsy blows of the ’roo and wait for it to disqualify itself. While this technically counts as a win, since this is a book about “beating things up” not “beating something on a technicality that will count but everyone will know is bullshit and will mark you as a coward,” there’s more.

Step Two:
Jump into the ’roo’s pouch. If there’s a hidden weapon in there, one he’d been planning to use on you, grab it and use it ON HIM. If not, just wait in there quietly.

Step Three:
Inflate the blow-up body double of yourself that you carry with you at all times.

Step Four:
Using your pocketknife (either the blade or the “awl” tool, if your knife has one, or else the toothpick assuming you didn’t lose it within about forty-five seconds of buying your pocketknife) make a tiny hole in the pouch at your eye level. Look out the hole.

Step Five:
When you see the ’roo pulling back his arm, preparing to punch you, quickly leap from the pouch! His fist will miss you and land on his own stomach. Thanks to your blow-up double, he’ll assume you’re still in there and will continue to punch himself until he knocks himself out.

Step Six:
RUN! That angry crowd of Aussies screaming bloody murder outside the ring will kill you if they get their hands on you! Dolly was the bar’s mascot, and you just made her kill herself!

HOW TO BEAT UP A MONKEY WITH A HAMMER

You beat up a monkey with a hammer the same way you beat up a monkey without a hammer, with one difference. The addition of the extra step: AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE FACE BY THE MONKEY’S HAMMER. Otherwise, it’s identical.

If you
do
end up taking a full-force, monkey-swung, hammer-shot to the noggin, IMMEDIATELY—regardless of which step of “beating up an unarmed monkey” you are on—STOP. Then go directly to the following step: AVOID A FOLLOW-UP SHOT TO THE FACE FROM THE MONKEY’S HAMMER. This is kind of a big one. If you had to skip a step from the plan, due to time constraints, or whatever, I’d strongly urge you to skip “bow to your monkey opponent” or even “gloat over your defeated monkey rival” before you decided to omit this much more important step.

If this proves impossible and the monkey strikes you once again in the cranium with the wrought-iron hammer swung with centuries of muscle-memory imbued simian might, DO NOT PANIC. That’s crucial … but not as crucial as what I’m about to tell you. PLEASE DO YOUR BEST TO AVOID THE MONKEY’S NEXT HAMMER BLOW. Could we just fucking focus on that? Please? I mean, really, really try.

If he manages to strike you again, in the head region, with that hammer he clearly
loooooves
swinging so much … um, it’s cool. Totally no big deal. Just shimmy backward away from the monkey on your hands and rear as quickly as you are able. Wipe the blood and tears from your eyes and various head wounds. You’re still in this fight, so remain calm. You can do this, champ!

However,
if
when looking around you happen to spot a loved one or someone you have urgent business or affairs with, you may want to shout any important information at them. Location of hidden treasures, life insurance policy numbers, etc. If you want. It’s cool, really. I’m just saying, if eye contact is made and there’s an issue there, maybe take care of it?

If the monkey connects again, I’d definitely look over to the loved ones we just talked about. Is one of them a person whom you’ve secretly been in love with but never had the heart to tell? Probably go ahead and tell that person, as fast as you can. And I have to wonder why it didn’t occur to you that a better time to have addressed this would’ve been two days ago, possibly right after you said, “Hey, wanna come watch me kick the shit out of a monkey? You do? Great! No, no, they don’t have hammers, as far as I know.”

If hammer blow number nine connects, you are very quickly running out of blood, brain matter, time, consciousness, and options. Your last and final maneuver should be to quickly scan your loved ones, locate the biggest one, and shout, with your last breath, “Avenge me!!!”

If you have managed to avoid all hammer blows, and you’ve followed the alternate instructions as directed—detailing how you should lure the monkey to a junk yard under the guise of buying cheap car parts—you should look up to see a giant magnet hanging over the monkey’s head. Signal the foreman to activate the magnet.

The hammer will fly from the monkey’s hands toward the magnet. Next to hit the magnet will be his belt buckle, which will cause the monkey’s pants to drop, filling him with either great shame or great pride, depending on the monkey you’ve selected. Finally, the metal fillings in his teeth will cause him to hit the magnet and remain caught there. Once again signal the foreman and he’ll lower the magnet to ground level. Now pummel the monkey stuck to the magnet as you would a speed bag.