Positively Yours (7 page)

‘Well, we don't mind you visiting the
Book of Kells
, but watch out we don't see you turn into a complete American tourist and start wearing any of those Guinness T-shirts or taking photos of buskers on Grafton Street!' Patsy laughed.

After reminiscing about how great Ireland really was Grace decided she was tired out and headed for bed. Patsy decided to stay up and watch a Danielle Steel made-for-TV movie.

‘You just can't get good films like this in Ireland,' Patsy exclaimed, as Ethan groaned at the corny name and opening credits of the film.

Later, when Patsy was going to bed, she saw Grace's bedroom door was open and the light was on, and so popped her head in to say goodnight. Grace and Ethan were both sitting up in their large four-poster bed, reading the newspapers, while Coco lay in-between them, on top of the expensive-looking Egyptian cotton sheets.

‘Please God, one day you'll have a child lying between you there instead of that dog,' Patsy said. She waved goodnight to them, and closed the door quickly, before Grace could come back with a comment.

BETH PRENDERGAST WAS
distracted as she sat in on an early department meeting. As team leader she knew she should be more enthusiastic, but she'd slept badly the night before, and spent the night tossing and turning before eventually giving up on any chance of sleep and just started reading the new Harry Potter book. She had gotten lost in the pages of magic, and found herself reminiscing about her own days at boarding school as she read about Harry in the best boarding school of them all: Hogwarts! But now, as she sat in on this very boring meeting she regretted not trying to sleep, as even her third cup of coffee couldn't keep her eyes open. She caught Tom's eye, and could see he wasn't impressed with her lack of energy and spirit at the meeting, but she couldn't muster up enthusiasm – even for him. Beth hadn't seen Tom in almost three weeks, what with his business trip to the States getting extended, and Beth herself being flat-out busy with a new client. But she hadn't had the energy to suggest a night out; she had being feeling unwell all week, and it was getting to her.

After the meeting she walked back to her office, bumping into her only real friend at the company, Susan Morgan. She wasn't as senior as Beth, but, being the only two high-ranking women in the office, they had struck up a friendship. It at least
meant Beth had someone at work to talk to about clothes, movies and
Sex and the City
.

‘Are you OK? You look a little washed-out,' Susan asked kindly.

‘I don't know. I'm sure it's nothing. I'm just tired this week. I think it must be my glands, as they're so sore. I feel wrecked.'

Susan looked at her friend. Beth, in her very expensive Chloé suit and slicked-back hair looked the picture of professionalism, but under her make-up Susan could see she was tired and not herself.

‘Well, why don't we go out for lunch today, somewhere nice? And if you feel you need to go to the doctor we can go there, too.'

‘Oh, I won't need the doctor,' Beth said suddenly, realizing she must look even worse than she felt. She didn't like to appear weak in the office. ‘But lunch at Milano's would be nice. I never say no to a pepperoni pizza!'

The girls arranged to meet outside the office later, and then Beth got back to her desk and mounting workload.

She struggled with the work that morning. Along with plenty of client meetings, her job involved a lot of paperwork, and she was not in the humour for it today. She managed to pass some of the donkey work on to Declan, the junior portfolio assistant, who was only too happy to take it on and prove himself to Beth. He might only be preparing printouts, taking minutes in meetings, and generally shadowing her, but he knew all of this would one day help towards building up his own client list, and hopefully becoming a portfolio manager soon. Beth thanked him for his help as she checked how her property funds were coming along, and then counted down the hours until lunchtime.

Finally it was 1 p.m., and soon Beth and Susan were sitting in the Italian restaurant discussing Susan's upcoming wedding.

‘
It's impossible to find a good band. I mean, everyone we rang said they were booked out at least a year ago, some even two years ago! Like, who does that? Who are these girls who are booking their whole wedding one or two years in advance, and taking up all the hotels, churches and bands in the process? It's unfair! We have no chance of getting any good band or DJ!'

‘It's the same women who book their children into primary schools before the child is even born!' Beth laughed.

Just then the waiter delivered their pizzas, but as he set the extra pepperoni pizza down in front of Beth the smell of the meat hit her, and she suddenly felt sick.

‘Oh, I'm sorry, can you take that away, please?' she asked, as she gulped back a Coke and distanced herself from the pizza.

‘Are you OK?' Susan said, looking worried.

‘I'm fine,' Beth lied, and then turned to the surprised-looking waiter. ‘I'm sorry, but could you bring me some of your garlic dough balls instead? And sorry about the pizza.'

The waiter shrugged, and went off to get Beth her food. Susan looked concernedly at her.

‘Before you say anything, I'm fine!' Beth said. ‘I'm just not feeling the best, and between that and the lack of sleep it's obviously affected my appetite. But I'll go to the chemist on the way back to the office and get something. Don't worry about me – tell me about your honeymoon plans instead!'

As Susan filled her in on her plans to spend a month travelling around South America, Beth couldn't help feeling a little jealous. Even though Susan wasn't as senior as her, she still had a great job
.
Susan worked hard, and was well-respected by her peers, and yet had managed to balance her life better than most of their employees. She not only had a successful career, but a great social life, and a gorgeous fiancé, too. Beth wondered if she would ever plan a wedding and honeymoon of her own. The way things were with Tom she knew they
would never happen with him. Of course it made her sad, as every girl dreams of one day walking down the aisle. But she did love Tom, and with that love came the understanding that she and Tom had a relationship that was different from others. As Susan questioned her about her love life, Beth did feel guilty lying as usual, and saying there was no one. She knew she could never tell anyone in work about Tom. She would instantly lose respect from colleagues like Susan. She didn't want anyone thinking she had gotten so far up in Burlington because of Tom, so she kept their relationship to herself.

When they had finished eating Susan headed straight back to the office for a meeting, while Beth went to the chemist's to get some painkillers. As she stood in the queue she saw someone familiar.

‘Jeananne? How are you?' Beth said to an old school friend who she hadn't seen in years.

‘Beth! How lovely to see you. Wow, you look great, so professional. I heard you were some high-flying financial whiz. Congrats!'

Beth looked at her old classmate, who was holding one child in her arms and clearly had another on the way. Jeananne caught her looking at her stomach.

‘Yes! I'm pregnant again! Scott is two years old, and now I'm expecting again, and due in four months' time. So it's all go go!' Jeananne said, as she tried to clean little Scott's nose and hand in a prescription to the chemist at the same time.

‘Congratulations, that's great. How are you feeling?' Beth asked politely, but thinking at the same time that if that little boy and his snot came anywhere near her very expensive suit she would die.

‘Oh, I'm fine now. Tired, but that's pregnancy for you! But I'm glad I'm into the second trimester. I tell you, nothing prepares you for those first twelve weeks. The morning
sickness, the tiredness, and I swear my breasts and glands were so sore. My God, I couldn't let my husband touch me! And there were some smells I couldn't stand: like, if anyone even ate onion near me I thought I would puke! It's funny how different pregnancies are; I mean, I was fine with Scott. Anyway, I had better go, we are meeting the hubby for lunch. Take care.'

Beth wished her well and then rejoined the queue, but as she waited to be served, what Jeananne had said about being tired, having sore glands, and feeling an aversion to certain smells played in her head.

No, I couldn't be! Beth suddenly thought, almost falling down with the shock. I couldn't be pregnant, could I? No, I'm just tired, she tried to convince herself, as she walked out of the chemist's and began the walk back to her office.

But even when she got back to her desk, opened her emails and started returning clients' phone calls, all she could think about was being pregnant, labour and babies. And she didn't know if it was due to these thoughts or her glands, but she felt sick for the whole afternoon.

BETH STOOD IN
a queue in O'Neill's late-night pharmacy. She pulled her baseball cap down over her face as she approached the till and asked for the small box. Her hands shook as she counted out the money. She paid as quickly as possible, and, after stuffing the purchase into her pocket, almost ran to her nearby parked car. As she drove through the quiet Dublin streets she felt sick. She would know within minutes whether her life had changed.

She walked back into her apartment, but it looked different now. She felt like a stranger in her own home as she made her way to the bathroom. She sat down on the toilet as if she had never sat down on one before. As she pulled the box from her pocket she checked the bathroom door was locked. She felt as if someone might burst in and discover her secret.

Beth began unwrapping the plastic from the box and stared at the stick. The box claimed it contained the most accurate pregnancy test in the world. She read the instructions for the tenth time before finally using it. As she sat and gazed at the red-painted walls of her bathroom Beth felt her head spin. What will I do if this is positive? she thought. I just can't be pregnant! She tried to convince herself, but there was a niggling voice in her head telling her that she could. Beth had spent the past few weeks feeling nauseated, tired and sore. But
nothing felt as bad as this new worry in the pit of her stomach. The worry that she could be pregnant. The thought alone made her feel like vomiting.

As she looked down at the diamond-encrusted bracelet that Tom had given her she cursed herself for not being more cautious that night. Beth had always been sensible, but now one night of passion might have changed everything.

She said a quick prayer as she checked her watch to make sure she had allowed the correct amount of time to pass. There was nothing wrong with having children, but, for Beth, getting pregnant now was not part of her plan, and she knew it would definitely not be part of Tom's, either.

Then she took a deep breath and looked at the stick. There was a very distinctive dark pink line.

It was positive. She was positive. She was pregnant.

BETH STARED AT
a report from an internal buy-side analyst and tried to sift through the relevant information, but she felt as if everything was happening in slow motion. It was like some out-of-body experience.

Ever since she had done the pregnancy test, Beth had been going through the motions of everyday life but not actually experiencing it. She had driven to work each morning, had turned on her computer and downloaded her emails, but she read them as if they were news from outer space, they meant nothing to her. She sat and watched TV every night, but she couldn't tell you what was happening in her favourite shows, because she couldn't concentrate. To the outside world she looked the same, but inside she felt like an impostor in her own body. This can't be real, she thought every morning when she woke. But she had done other pregnancy tests and they had read positive, too. Beth's bathroom was scattered with every brand and type. They might all look different, but they all said the same thing: Beth was expecting.

Just then she got a call from Tom, asking her to come into his office.

‘What's wrong with you?' he asked as Beth sat down and helped herself to a glass of cold water. She gulped it back while Tom watched.

‘What do you mean?' she eventually replied, terrified he would work out her big secret.

‘You haven't returned my calls all week, and you're quiet as a mouse in meetings. What's wrong?' Tom asked.

For a split second Beth felt like confessing, and telling Tom he was now the father of her unborn child. But as she watched him sitting there, strumming his fingers against his desk, impatient for an answer, she knew now was not the time for honesty.

‘I'm sorry. I'm just a little run-down this week. A bit wrecked.'

Tom didn't look very sympathetic.

‘I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but we have two big meetings this week. I need you to be on top form. Can I rely on you or not?'

Beth knew how important being professional and strong was to him. She sat up, and put on a big smile.

‘I'll be fine, boss. I swear.'

Tom relaxed.

‘OK, good to hear. Now, why don't we go somewhere quiet for lunch? I haven't talked to you properly in weeks. And I was thinking it's high time we went away for the weekend – somewhere nice, my treat. We can talk about it over lunch.'

Beth would have loved nothing more than a nice big lunch with the man she loved, but she had something important to do and couldn't delay it any further.

‘I'm sorry. I can't today. I've got plans,' she said, feeling awful for lying to Tom.

Tom looked a little put out, but then made Beth promise they would catch up at the weekend instead. As she walked out of his office she felt sick, thinking of the secret she was withholding from him.

Beth had been avoiding her family and friends all week. Ever since she had done her first pregnancy test she just hadn't been able to face talking and lying to those who were closest to her, and so she had switched her phone off, hadn't replied to any personal emails, and had ignored any messages from her dad. It felt as if her life were on hold, and the longer she avoided telling anyone her secret the longer she could avoid facing reality. There were times she did feel excitement at becoming a mum, even if it was unplanned. But then she would think of the reality of it: she was unmarried, in a relationship with a man who didn't want kids, and it was not the ideal situation. And so she had put off telling anyone for another week.