Past Heaven (8 page)

“That was our family vacation to Disney World.” Liz stood next to me, pointing to a picture. She had changed into a pair of tight jeans and a long, white T-shirt. “I think Jack was more excited than the kids to go.”

“You all look pretty darn happy.” I pointed to a picture of the three boys and Jack on a soccer field. “Good looking boys.”

“Thanks.” Liz’s voice softened, and she rubbed her neck.

“That’s Jack?” A man stood with one child sitting atop his shoulders, the other two pressed up against his sides, hands clasped in his. Liz’s body quivered and she nodded.

Liz turned and walked back into the kitchen without another word. “Hungry?” she asked as she opened the refrigerator door and pulled out containers of food.

“You don’t have to feed me. I’m fine. We can order lunch if you’re hungry.” I walked back into the kitchen, rubbing my hands together. “I’m so ready to get started, I’m not sure I could eat.” I leaned against the counter top, and she moved past me, grabbing a bowl from a drawer. Damn, she smelled good. I inhaled and tried to place it. The scent was familiar, comforting, and natural. I was used to smelling Kylie doused in expensive lotions and artificial perfumes.

She met my eyes as she pulled out a cutting board. “If we’re going to be working together on this project, you have to understand something about me. I’m a feeder. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than feeding and taking care of people. I won’t be ordering us lunch. That driveway hasn’t seen a delivery car in years. Is chicken salad okay? I make a mean chicken salad. If you’re anxious to get started, I can talk while I cook. Does that work?” She spoke rapidly, a warm smile making her eyes sparkle.

I chuckled as I sat back down at the table. “So you’re not only going to help write this screenplay, you’re feeding me, too? Sweet deal.”

“I’m used to cooking for three growing boys. This is what I do. So yes, you should be prepared to go back to Hollywood with a few extra pounds on you.” Liz pulled out a knife from a drawer as she took a deep breath. “Should I start from the beginning? I don’t want to bore you, but I also want you to get the whole story.”

Her hands trembled and her voice shook. She stared at the knife lost in thought as she set it down on the cutting board.
Shit.
This wasn’t going to be easy on her. I hadn’t thought that part through. But she wouldn’t have agreed to do this if it was a problem, right? Anyway, we were doing this for a greater cause. I needed Jack’s entire story if this was going to work.

“I know this will be hard on you, but I’d really like to start at the beginning.” Liz nodded and picked the knife back up. “How did you and Jack meet?”

“I MET JACK during freshmen orientation at the University of Maryland.” The images flooded over me, and an ache in my heart strangled me. I laid the chicken breasts on the cutting board and diced the meat with precision. “He was the most enthusiastic student I had ever seen. Everyone was excited to be away from home and have a taste of freedom, but Jack was different. He seemed ecstatic to be alive.” Tears dampened my eyes. “It was infectious. I looked forward to bumping into him around the dorms or at the library. His presence would instantly put me in a better mood. He was that kind of guy.” I smiled at the memory and sighed, setting the knife down and staring out the window. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and see him like that again.

I blew out a deep breath and released the emotion. “I realized right away that we shared several classes. I’d sit near him and listen to his conversations with others, hanging on his every word. I was mesmerized by his thirst for knowledge and hunger for life. Not to mention, he was the absolute cutest guy in the room.”

I couldn’t keep the smirk off my face at that memory of Jack. I glanced over at Reynolds, and he smiled, his eyes soft, and kind. A strange sense of confidence came over me to continue. “I was assigned to lead a discussion on siblings in our speech class. I told the story of my brother and afterward, we had a question and answer session. This topic was actually quite near and dear to me. See, my brother, David, was born with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Many people in our society know it as mental retardation. Anyway, David is the sweetest little brother I could imagine, but not everyone can see beyond his disability. I gave my talk on the way I felt when I watched him get picked on, heard him called names, or saw strangers point and stare.” I shook my head, recalling those hurtful moments. “Jack was engrossed in my presentation and asked a thousand questions during the class. Afterward, he asked me out for coffee.”

A slow smile stretched across my face. “That was our first date. Jack wanted to get to know me. He wondered what it was like to grow up with a baby brother who could never lead a ‘normal’ life. I had never met anyone who cared about what my life was like as a sibling of someone with a disability. I fell in love fast.” For a moment, I was back in that coffee shop, sitting across from Jack. My memories could never do justice to the way he had made me feel that day. I had always felt special when I was with Jack. As outgoing as he was, I was introverted. We complemented each other and became the best of friends. Eventually, we became lovers.

“We spent the next four years of college in a serious relationship. Once I fell in love with Jack, there was no going back. He loved me deeply, and I loved him with my whole heart.” I stopped dicing celery and wiped the tears running down my cheeks.

Reynolds walked over, handing me a tissue. “Let’s take a break. This is tough to talk about.” He then placed his hand on my upper arm, but I flinched at his touch, stepping away. Having a man touch me felt foreign. Reynolds rubbed his hands together and looked around the kitchen as if he was lost or uncomfortable.

I’m such a jerk.
I squeezed my hands together. “No, I need to do this. I need to tell you all about him. Really get you to understand him to the core. As we dated and fell in love, Jack fell in love with my family, too. He came home with me on breaks and talked to David and his friends, who were always at our home. David called Jack his ‘real brother’, and Jack felt the same about their relationship.” I made a mental note to reach out to David. I’d been so wrapped up in my own loss and that of the boys that I had forgotten that my brother also lost Jack.

I shook my head clear of more guilty thoughts and refocused. “Jack also spent a lot of time talking to my parents about David’s future. My father had explained to Jack that when David was born, he and my mother had started a trust fund for him. He would be taken care of in old age and would hopefully find a placement in a group home when he was twenty-one. Sadly, many of David’s friends wouldn’t be as lucky. Their parents weren’t as financially well off, and there weren’t enough homes for everyone who needed them. Some would end up in a state-run institution.”

Reynolds leaned over the counter and grabbed a potato chip from the bowl I was filling. “I don’t know much about the institutions, other than what I researched online. What I read was unbelievable.”

I nodded, grinding salt and pepper over the chicken, celery, and mayonnaise. “Your worst nightmares wouldn’t do these places justice. The stories of abuse and neglect are too numerous to tell. Jack’s senior sociology project was an in-depth report on one of the state institutions. I’ll never forget the day he came home from visiting the place. At that point, we were living together. He came in the door with disgust-filled eyes, and went to the bathroom to vomit. After he showered, he was finally able to tell me some of the horrors he had witnessed there.”

Pulling the plates from the cupboard, I served lunch and grabbed a couple of water bottles from the fridge. I set everything on the table and took my seat. Reynolds looked at me as if I was from another planet. I checked myself. I didn’t smell like a locker room. “Do I have something on my face?” I couldn’t believe I just asked that, but oddly, I felt comfortable around him. As long as he didn’t touch me, of course.

“No.” He chuckled and grabbed his fork. “I don’t recall anyone ever making me chicken salad before. Thank you. This is nice.”

I shifted in my seat. I wasn’t here to be nice. I was simply being hospitable. I needed to work and this was just a job. I smiled and chose to be normal this time. “You’re welcome. Enjoy.”

We ate in silence and I was grateful. I needed a break from reliving the memories and ripping open the unhealed wound. As I reached my last bite and Reynolds wiped his mouth, I knew my time was up.

“That night when we laid in bed, he told me that after graduation he was dedicating his life to working to help people with disabilities. His mission was to close down the institutions.” I paused, looking out the window. “Before that, I had thought Jack was a devoted boyfriend who wanted to make my brother a part of his life. But after hearing his revelation, I realized it was his calling.

“After graduating, we got married in the fall. It was a beautiful, but simple, ceremony during my favorite time of year. Shortly after, I became a social worker while Jack found an entry-level position at a local agency that supported individuals with developmental and intellectual disabilities. He held almost every job there. He even swept the floors after everyone was gone because he wanted to make sure that those served by the agency came to a pristine place.” I sat at the table, resting my face on my hand as I recalled the bittersweet memories. “He loved every minute of it. Neither one of us made much money, so we waited almost seven years before we had Griff. By that time, Jack was next in line to head the Warren agency, and I was able to stay home to raise our kids.” I drank from my water bottle as Reynolds caught up with his typing.

“Liz, that’s astonishing. Jack dedicated everything to this cause. The world needs more people that care about something as much as Jack cared about this. He sounds wonderful.” Reynolds’ look of admiration was resolute, and I smiled. He didn’t know the half of it.

I leaned back in my chair and continued talking. “The next couple of years were the best of my life. I stayed home and cared for our sons while Jack worked with state legislators and various agencies to start the process of closing the institutions and finding placements for everyone who needed them. Even though he worked long hours, I also want to make sure we include the kind of father he was. It’s really important to me that people understand that part of Jack’s life as well.” I drew in a shaky breath as tears leaked out from the corners of my eyes.

“Of course, we’ll make sure that is crystal clear.” Reynolds grabbed my hand and squeezed. I pulled it out of his grasp and grabbed our empty plates. I pushed away from the table and pinched my eyes closed after I turned my back for a moment. He must think I’m such a cold bitch. And he wouldn’t be wrong, if he did.

I was empty inside. I refused any tenderness because I couldn’t give any in return. Any love I had left went to the boys. My feelings no longer mattered, but preserving Jack’s memory did. Reynolds hung his head as he rubbed his hand on his pant leg. Yes, he definitely thinks I’m a bitch. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand.

“Thank you.” He looked up and our eyes met for a brief moment. My heart rate slowed, and I breathed deeply through my nose. “I want the boys to watch this and be able to remember when they’re older how special he was. For as much as he did at the agency, he put his family first. He coached soccer and baseball. He attended church with us on Sunday. He read the boys a story before bed every night. He loved to give them their baths. He was an amazing father. I didn’t see that until he was gone. Trying to do everything he did on my own has been…hard, impossible, really. They’re missing out on so much, you know?”

Reynolds glanced off to the side and tapped his fingers on the table. “Liz, I have to say. I’ve only known you for a few hours, but something tells me you’re doing a tremendous job on your own. I’m sure your boys are very well-loved and cared for.” Reynolds’ voice was gentle, and he had a determined look on his face.

I shook my head, dismissing his praise. My insecurities of how the boys would deal without a father were too strong to process. “Thank you for saying that, but I know they miss their dad very much, and I miss him, too. Every day.” Choking back more tears, I loaded our plates into the dishwasher as Reynolds cleared the trash from the table.

I couldn’t explain my innermost thoughts to Reynolds. He was a stranger, and I hadn’t told anyone what kept me up at night. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been too supportive of Jack’s goals. While I understood that closing the institutions was more important than some temporary loss of family time we had experienced, I struggled with so many what ifs. What if I had insisted Jack find more people to help him? What if he hadn’t tried to take on that mission all on his own? Would Wells have singled him out? Would he still be alive? In my quest to be the supportive wife, had I made the biggest mistake of all? If I had told Jack we needed him with us more, could I have kept him alive? Had I failed Jack and my kids? The guilt ate at me.

“Excuse me for a moment.” I walked into the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. The heat of my emotions caused a red flush to enflame my face. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my cheeks. The worst part, for me, was a lingering thought. Why did he want to spend that much time away?