Past Heaven (30 page)

“I think so.” I grinned. Like an overgrown and much hairier version of a kid on Christmas morning, I grabbed a pair of shears and ripped open the large box. Throwing the bubble wrap on the floor in heaps, I pulled out a tin. Popping open the lid, the aroma of fresh baked cookies surrounded me. I shoved one in my mouth and closed my eyes, groaning with pleasure. That woman could cook. I passed the tin to my mom, and her eyes lit up as she pulled out a peanut butter kiss cookie.

“I’m going to give you some privacy to open your gifts.” She kissed my cheek and walked into the family room.

The next item was clearly wrapped by Hayden. I opened it and found his favorite model toy train. Well,
shit
, this just got a lot harder. I pressed my lips together and remembered how important this train was to Hayden. That little man was sharing his favorite toy with me, and I wanted to cry like a baby.

Inhaling deeply, I opened the next package which was from Grayson. Inside was the FIFA Xbox game we had played together. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat back down. Man, I missed them so much. More than I did yesterday. Each day I missed them more.

Then I pulled out an envelope that held a DVD. “Mom? Dad?” I called, walking into the family room. “I’m going to play this DVD from Liz and her family.” I inserted it in my Blu-ray player, and sat on the floor directly in front of the screen, like a five-year old watching cartoons.

The DVD began with Griffin smiling at me. “Hey Reynolds! We were bummed when Mom said you couldn’t make it for Christmas. Man, you’re missing out. Mom makes the best ham and potatoes. And her breakfast is so good…” He laughed. “I’m just making you jealous so I’ll stop. But seriously, we miss you. Mom is much cooler when you’re around.” Liz yelled in the background, and I smiled.

“My gift to you is this video. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I didn’t give you a fair shot when I first met you. I wish I could take that back. You’re a great friend to Mom, and you’re cool to us. Thanks for teaching us about horses, playing soccer, and for just…being there…thank you. Merry Christmas.” Griffin looked down, his face a mixture of regret and gratitude, and my mom sighed.

Next up was Grayson. “Hey dude. ’Sup? Listen, I haven’t punched anyone. Not even that jerk Tony Fillameni when he said I wrote my name like a girl. That boy is cray-cray. Yeah, I knew you’d be proud. But if anyone messes with my family…” He put up his fists, and Liz yelled again. My parents and I laughed loudly. “I gave you my favorite Xbox game. Mom said you have an Xbox, even though I think it’s for kids, just kidding! Now you can practice and hope to beat me one day.” I laughed out loud again. “Dude—er, uh, Reynolds? Come back soon, okay? I think you’re awesome, and I love you.” Grayson smirked at the camera, and my dad grunted and clutched his chest as Grayson’s young heartfelt declaration hit all of us.

Hayden was next up with a big toothless grin. “Reyn, I lost my two front teef. Can you beweef it?” I shook my head and smiled so hard my cheeks burned. “I wanted to give you my Thomas train because I know you love it. Mom said you didn’t have one. That made me feel sad for you. I love you so much. I miss you tons. Please come back.” Hayden’s voice cracked as tears welled in his eyes, and I almost lost it right there. I held my breath when Liz appeared.

Liz scooped up Hayden. She was rosy cheeked, and her hair hung straight. She was smiling at the camera as she kissed Hayden’s head. “Oh, Reynolds. Can you tell that you are loved by the Atwaters?” She hadn’t said she loved me. Did she mean her, too?

“We all miss you, but we’re so happy you’re spending Christmas with your parents. Hi Hugh and Grace. Merry Christmas.” She waved at the camera. “My present for you, is at the bottom of the box. Wait and open it on Christmas morning, okay? No peeking. Promise? Bye.” She waved again, and the boys yelled bye as the camera clicked off.

I sat back on my heels and rubbed my hands down my face. I had never received a present like that in my life. I didn’t know what to do with all the thoughts flying through my brain.

“Reyn?” Mom asked, wiping her eyes with a tissue. “That family loves you. You need to figure out how you and Liz can make this work.”

I nodded. “I know, Mom. I had to leave for a while and let the hype and the paparazzi settle down. They’re a regular family. They didn’t need to deal with all that. But you’re right. I’ve never felt like this before. I love them all so much. I’ve given Liz the time she asked for, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that.”

“From what you’ve shared with me, Liz has been to hell and back. Give her the space she needs, and when she’s able, she’ll be fully committed to you. Just wait and see.” Mom’s voice was soft, but knowing.

Dad had been quiet for a long time. “Son, that was unbelievable. Those boys obviously care about you very much. How are you handling that? Being serious with a woman who has three children is a huge responsibility, and one that you cannot take lightly.”

I nodded, wanting to give my father an answer that showed the thought I’d really given those questions. “Dad, if someone had asked me six months ago if I would ever date a woman with one kid, let alone three, I would’ve called them crazy.” I rose to my feet and walked over to the glass door overlooking the pool. “I never thought I wanted a family until Liz let me be a part of hers.” I rubbed at my chin, searching for the right words. Turning around, I faced my parents. “I’ve given this a lot of thought. It’s actually kept me up at night. At first, I was concerned I would resent the boys’ constant presence in Liz’s life.” Dad watched me carefully and mom nodded. I crossed my arms over my chest and dragged in a breath.

“I’m scared I won’t be a good role model for them. I’m sure I’ll make mistakes where they’re concerned. But as much as I’ve worried about having the boys in my life and how they’ll change it, I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I uncrossed my arms and gestured toward the frozen image of Hayden on the television screen. “Everything shifted for me when I felt like I mattered to those boys. I fell in love with them at the same time I fell in love with Liz. I adore them and want to take care of them more than anything. They love me, Dad, and I love them back just as much.”

Dad smiled at me with appreciation of how much I had grown since meeting the Atwaters. “You deserve that love, son. It’s special, and it’s being offered to you. You need to cultivate it, never take it for granted, and most importantly, never let it get away.”

I looked at my dad for a long time. “Liz comes to L.A. in two days. I’ll show her what she means to me. I don’t have a choice anymore. We’ll get past the crazy press, and we’ll get past Liz’s fears and mine.” My life was about to change. But a life without Liz and the boys wasn’t an option for me anymore.

“Just love her, Reyn. Protect her heart and cherish her. The rest will come,” my mom said as she smiled. “I can’t wait to meet her. I sure hope she brings more cookies.” We laughed as I grabbed another and thought of seeing my sweet Liz in just two days.

CHRISTMAS EVE HAD been busy with church, a big family dinner, and the pre-Santa traditions. Stories had been read, cookies had been laid out, and holiday pajamas had been donned. The boys had been joyous, and I had felt better than I had the year before. That was a huge step in the right direction as far as I was concerned. Holidays would always be tough for my crew. I would have been happier if Reynolds was with us. I missed him with a physical pain that I knew too well. When would my heart be allowed to feel something real without hurting?

I climbed into bed and checked my phone. The text from Reynolds had just come through. He had gotten our package.

Reynolds:
Thank you. It was too late to call. I miss you all so much. There are no words.

I drew in a sharp breath. Oh, he liked it. I had hoped he would and that we weren’t overwhelming him. I didn’t want to smother him, but I was tired of repressing my feelings.

Me:
You’re welcome. And you’d better not open my present until tomorrow. I miss you, too…terribly.

The ping of his response made me smile before I even read it.

Reynolds
: Can’t wait to see you. Sweet dreams, Liz.

My heart jumped into my throat. I would dream of him. Day and night he was invading my thoughts. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I couldn’t do it over a text.

Me
: Good night, Reyn.

The next morning was a flurry of activity. Presents were opened, wrapping paper filled the family room, and general chaos ensued. I put several trays of cinnamon buns into the oven and pulled out the big box from Reynolds that had been delivered a few days earlier.

The boys were overwhelmed with Reynolds’ generosity. The sports equipment and iPads were more than enough, but the tickets to the wild card playoff football game caused the already heightened joy to overflow. The boys screamed and grunted like only young males could do at the thought of hot dogs, nachos, and cotton candy at Raven’s stadium. I loved to watch them so happy. Reynolds knew them and what they liked so well.

I opened my box from Reynolds last. I found a simple gold necklace with an anchor hanging sideways. The attached note read:

I re-read the note several times as Griffin helped me put on the necklace. It was simple and yet said so much. It was me. He also included a leather bound copy of our still untitled screenplay. It was inscribed, “
Because of Jack
.” I clutched it to my chest, pride overwhelming at our remembrance of Jack.

After the boys ate breakfast, I worked on our holiday lunch while I waited for an appropriate time to call Reynolds. My family and Jack’s family were due in a few hours. We would open more presents, toast our Jack, and enjoy a huge ham dinner. I couldn’t help feeling resentful that my Reynolds wouldn’t be there too. He was one of us now. He was a part of me.

I finally texted him.

Me:
R U Awake???

He called a minute later.

“Merry Christmas. I hope I didn’t wake you.” I spoke quietly so I could talk to him before the boys tried to jump on the phone. I walked into the den and shut the door.

“Merry Christmas, Liz. How’s your morning?” His voice was raspy with sleep.

“Absolute chaos. It looks like Santa’s elves got drunk and threw up in here.” Reynolds laughed, and I continued to describe the boys’ joy at opening their gifts. “You were generous. Way too generous. Thank you so much.”

“Do you like your necklace?” Reynolds sounded so husky, my pulse sped up. I was all hot and bothered from just hearing his voice. I imagined that this was what he would sound like if we woke up together in the morning. My mind raced with images.
Oh hell
. Once I had allowed myself to want him, I found that I yearned for him every time I saw him or heard him speak. It made the nights I stayed up watching his old movies…well, fun.

“It’s perfect, just perfect. Now, open your present from me. Where is it?” I sounded like a giddy kid.

He laughed at me with glee. “Listen to you. I wish I was there to open it in front of you.” The joy in his voice filled my already overflowing heart.

Tears sprung to my eyes as I whispered, “Reynolds. I really, really wish you were here.” My voice broke as I cried harder.

“Shh, I know, Liz. Soon. I’ll see you soon.” His voice was worried, so I wiped the tears away, and inhaled shakily.

“Okay, I’m okay. Now open it.”

He chuckled again at me. “Well, I didn’t get a tree this year, so I kept all of the presents in my room. I’ve watched the video about a dozen times, and I slept with your present next to me.”

I smiled at the image, but was crushed that he was spending Christmas without a tree or the elaborate traditions that involved holidays with kids.

I heard him unwrap the paper and draw in a deep breath. He was quiet for a long time and when I heard him breathe again it sounded ragged and emotional. It was a family portrait of the boys and me on the horse farm where he stayed. The frame was inscribed at the bottom: