Not Yet (30 page)

“It’s not because of me but thanks. How about you?
Heard from any schools yet?”

“Yeah, I got into University of Southern California’s
Graduate School of History. It’s my first choice, mostly due to the
location. I can study while I lie at the beach and watch the palm
trees sway.”

“Well, then, congratulations to you too, Emma. I’ll
tell Sam. She’s been so upset over how you’ve been treated. She
really wants you to have a fresh start.”

“Maybe you can come visit? I would love to show sweet
Lily the beach!” I clapped my hands together at the thought of the
Stone family visiting me. I could imagine, for just a minute, that
I might get a true fresh start.

Tommy grinned. “I would never turn down an invite to
the beach. Count on it.”

Tommy left and I was just about to do a vending
machine run for a power lunch of peanut butter crackers when Amy
knocked on the door.

“Ms. Harris? Your Mom dropped off lunch. She talk’d
to Principal Mahoney. He asked me to bring it.” Amy was wearing
high-waisted blue jeans and her signature polo shirt and pink
glasses. She handed me my lunch with a shy grin and sat across from
me.

“Thanks, Amy. I’m kind of embarrassed my mom had to
bring my lunch since I left it at home.” I laughed and began to eat
my tuna with relish on wheat bread.

“I forget all the time. Forgot today.” She watched me
eat hungrily and I smiled.

“Let’s share. I have plenty.” I spread out a napkin
for her and gave her half of my sandwich, pretzels, and carrots. I
grabbed an extra cup and poured her some pop from my can. I caught
her happy smile and knew that in some small way, I was bringing
happiness to Amy’s life. She brought me comfort and peace, and I
think I brought her acceptance. We had become a great team. As much
of a shit-show as my life had become, I felt I was in the right
place with just the right person.

She was my friend
.

****

The next day during third period Economics, the
seniors were joyfully sharing news of college acceptances. I
congratulated all of them but secretly made bets on which ones
would ever make it through.

I remembered the overwhelming feeling of excitement
when you realized where you would be spending the next four years
of your life learning and growing into the adult you always wanted
to be. It really was the best time of your life, and I wished it
had worked out that way for me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to
congratulate Landon myself, so I did the next best thing.

“Dean, Coach Stone told me about you and Landon being
accepted with full rides to IU. Congratulations to you both. I know
you will have so much fun playing football together and enjoying
all that college has to offer in Bloomington. Maybe you guys will
even become as popular as the basketball players!” I winked and
smiled warmly at Dean who had become a nice guy as the year went
on…possibly because he realized that I was special to his best
friend.

“Thanks, Ms. Harris. I’ll be sure to tell Landon what
you said. He isn’t as pumped as I am for college, but he will be
when he gets there.”

Ricky high fived him and hollered “Hells yeah!” and
we all knew he was referring to the keg parties and the girls.

I couldn’t help but laugh at their exuberance. “I
agree. I felt the same way when I arrived at UVA. Have fun!”

“Uh, Ms. Harris?” Dean appeared unsure but continued
on. “How about you? I heard you might be going to grad school next
year?”

This question was undoubtedly coming from Landon. I
smoothed the front of my black skirt and stood up from my perch
against my desk. I addressed the whole class since I didn’t want to
appear that I was giving a message to Landon, and because I knew by
the silence that suddenly filled the room that everyone was
listening.

“Yes, I’m leaving after the school year ends for the
University of Southern California, for graduate school to study
history.” I pulled down my fitted green sweater, nervously tugging
on the ends. I was really happy that I was accepted into my first
choice school, but I wished it was under different
circumstances.

“Wow USC… the Trojans!” Dean, and all the boys in the
room, snickered at the ever mature condom reference. “My cousin
applied there just so he could be a Trojan. Never got in… He said
it wasn’t the right fit… too constricting… rubbed him the wrong
way… Anyway, congrats, Ms. Harris!” Dean yelled from the back,
laughing with this buddies, as several other seniors smiled and
wished me luck.

Cammie and Stephanie were huddled in a whisper, and I
turned from them quickly. I didn’t want to hear the rude comments.
I wanted to move on.

At my designated lunchtime, I sat in my classroom
alone again and opened the pasta salad I had made the night before.
I looked up to see Amy in my door, holding up her red lunch bag
with a smile.

“Come on in, Amy! I’d love some company.” She giggled
and ran in to join me. “I actually have something to show you.”

I handed her a brochure from the LIFE program at
Clemson University. “I’ve been doing some research, and I thought
this might be something to share with your parents. Clemson
University has a college program for students just like you. You
could apply, if you’re interested in college, and if you get
accepted you would live on campus for two years.”

Amy’s jaw dropped. “Live? On campus?”

“You wouldn’t be alone. You’d have roommates and
peers to help you. You’d take classes on skills to help you in your
adult life, and you’d be a real college student. You’d make new
friends, hang out on campus, eat in the cafeteria, and work out in
the gym—everything I did in college. You could do it too.”

Amy’s eyes scanned my face, absorbing every word I
said. She didn’t know that I had called her mom about this program
a few weeks ago. I wanted her permission and support before I spoke
to Amy. Her mom couldn’t have been more supportive, but she wanted
me to broach the subject with her daughter. She knew Amy might shut
down if she got scared, and she thought I had a better chance of
getting Amy motivated about this new idea.

“Then what?”

“Well, after you complete the two year program, you
graduate, move back home, and get a job. Then, you’ll be more ready
when the time comes to live on your own. You’ll make new friends,
and you’ll have fun. It’s college, Amy. You could go to
college.”

“I could go to college?” Amy whispered the words,
pushing her glasses up higher on her nose.

“You can totally do this. What do you say? Should we
fill out the forms? Then you can take them home and talk to your
parents?”

“Let’s do this!” Amy finally looked excited and I
could breathe fully again. I was nervous about this conversation.
But as soon as I read about Clemson’s program, I knew it was
perfect for Amy. She was already overjoyed at the next step towards
autonomy in her life, and I knew she would thrive in a program like
Clemson’s. Amy was strong and she had learned a lot of confidence
in high school. A college experience would bring her real world
knowledge and happiness. And I sure as hell would be screaming my
head off for her at that graduation ceremony.

For me, Landon, Dean and Amy—we could all have a
fresh start next year, far from Zionsville. If we could move past
the fear and focus on the new beginning, the best really could be
yet to come.

***

I DID A good job avoiding everyone at school but
occasionally I slipped up. As the stress of my life continued to
overwhelm me, my workouts became longer and more intense. More days
than not, I leapt off the treadmill and raced to the showers in
order to make it to my first period class on time.

“Oooommppff.” The noise was pushed from my lungs as
my body jolted from the impact. I fell backwards, landing hard on
my ass. Wiping the sweat from my eyes, I saw that, once again, I
had run straight into Landon’s chest.

He didn’t say a word, but extended his hand to help
me up. I slipped my hand into his large, warm grip and briefly
closed my eyes. My heart raced as he pulled me to my feet, and I
shook, feeling as if a lightning bolt of electricity surged between
us, triggered by a mere touch.

He stared at me without uttering a word, intently
watching my physical reaction to his presence. Since I had asked
him to stay away, he timed his morning workout so that it no longer
coincided with the end of my workout. It was clear from his
hardened gaze that he hadn’t planned on “bumping” into me.

“I….” My voice trailed off as I searched for the
right words. I wanted to congratulate him on the scholarship. I
wanted to tell him I still loved him. I wanted to tell him I was
sorry for hurting him and pushing him away. I wanted to tell him I
forgave him and that my job ending was never really his fault in
the first place. I wanted to say so much to him in that moment.

But I said nothing. It wasn’t the right time for my
words.

Not yet
, anyway.

That same day, heading to the main office to get my
mail after school, I walked past Landon standing with his friends.
They were all laughing and congratulating Landon and Dean. Landon
didn’t see me, and it gave me the chance to see that he was
genuinely excited about this next step in his life.

I tried to ignore the drop in the pit of my stomach.
Landon would move on and find success and happiness in college—I
knew he would. He would have the experience that nearly every male
athlete dreams of. He was hot. He would play football at a large
Division I school. He was going to be a rock star on campus, and he
would get a great education and meet a girl his own age—or my
age—but at least they would be in the same place in life. I
certainly didn’t want to think about him with other girls, but I
still cared enough for him that I wanted that dream, that
experience, for him.

Though I had very little experience with love, I was
beginning to believe I understood it better. I loved Landon enough
to want the best for him. To want more for him than I had myself.
And just that realization alone was enough to make me believe we
would both be okay after all this was behind us.

My 9:01 phone call jolted me awake. I was so
emotionally exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open.

“Hey, sis, how are you?” My voice was raspy from
sleep, and I cleared my throat quietly.

“Shitty.”

I bit my lip to hold back laughter. No matter how old
my sister got, her profanity always cracked me up. Mom told me she
cussed frequently because it made her feel like any other adult.
She really only let loose when she was angry, and few things were
cuter, in my opinion, than my pretty, sweet, loving sister on a
rampage.

“What’s the report, Eves?”