Not Yet (29 page)

Principal Mahoney met with me right away. “I heard
what happened to you in the hallway, Emma. Are you okay?” I nodded,
swallowing the lump in my throat.

“Nothing is happening, Principal Mahoney.” I could
barely speak from the emotion.

“I hear you, Emma, and you have done a great job
here, but this is a very volatile situation.” I nodded, fearful of
what was to come. “Landon Washington will finish economics with an
independent study, supervised by Julie Baynes, immediately.”

I nodded again, waiting for the rest.

“What are your plans for next year?” He sat at his
desk with his hands clasped in front of him.

And here we go. I was being fired. “Honestly, sir, I
don’t know. My mom convinced me to apply to graduate schools in
California, since my sister is now receiving support services. I’m
waiting to hear… I’m not sure…”

“Well, I think getting your masters is a great idea.
You will get a few more years on you and it won’t be as hard to
teach teenagers.” He steepled his fingers and leaned forward
intently. He had to understand this situation. I had to get him to
hear me out.

“Principal Mahoney, please believe me. Landon and I
are friends. We worked together this summer, and I didn’t say
anything before because I was afraid. I needed this job very
badly.” My voice cracked and I swallowed noisily, praying that I
didn’t break down in front of him.

“I believe you, Emma. I know this job can be rough,
and if you stayed here next year… I’m afraid the rumor mill just
wouldn’t quit.”

“Are you… are you letting me go?” My words barely
came out. I had always succeeded in everything I had done. Now I
was a total failure—in all areas of my life.

“If nothing happens between you and
any
student before the end of the year, you may finish the year out,
and we will give you a great recommendation. Obviously, if not, you
will be fired immediately.” Mahoney looked stern and threatening as
he spoke to me.

I hung my head in shame. Not only was I not welcomed
back, but they thought I was slutty enough to go after other
students. It was almost as if he thought I
pursued
Landon. I
felt like Hester Prynne in
The Scarlet Letter
. Branded, this
time, with a large letter ‘S’ for slut on the middle of my chest. I
stood up and walked to the door.

“Thank you, sir. The rest of the year will be
finished professionally. I’m sorry for any problems I’ve caused
you.” Blinking back my tears, I gave a small smile to Linda, who
looked like she wanted to hug me. I could have used a hug at that
moment.

Principal Mahoney watched me leave, and I felt the
eyes of the office and the school on me as I packed up for home. I
was humiliated. Falling in love with Landon over the summer had
cost me my job. And we hadn’t even acted on our feelings. I didn’t
understand what more I was supposed to do.

But as I drove home, I was more honest with myself.
We hadn’t broken any rules, but we had bent them. The jokes at
school, flirty lines that meant something personal only to us, and
the hugs at the hospital… It wasn’t right, and I was guilty of that
much. I knew better and I allowed my heart to get involved where it
didn’t belong.

I pulled up to my apartment and saw Landon’s truck.
The anger inside me threatened to explode. I feared I might hit him
if I didn’t calm down. I was furious with him—I blamed him for
everything—even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Running inside,
I threw open the door. Landon and my mom were sitting on the
couch.

Mom jumped up before I could speak. “Emma, I just
told Landon—I got a job at a bank! It’s a big pay increase for me
and it has normal hours.” She grabbed me and hugged me as I blew
out an angry blast of air.

“I’m so happy for you, mom. Congratulations.” My
teeth clenched as I spoke and my voice was flat. Scary flat. “We
will celebrate this weekend, for sure. Now, could I speak to Landon
alone?”

“Uh sure, honey.” Mom looked between us with concern
and she left, gently shutting her bedroom door behind her.

Landon stood and started to walk to me. He looked so
concerned about me, my anger started to wane. “Emma, I’m really
sorry about before…”

I held up my hand to stop him and my whole body
shook. “This is really it, Landon. It really is over.”

He shook his head and his expression became intense.
He took a step closer to me, “No, two and a half more months.
That’s all, just over two months.”

I pushed him back. “NO! No more waiting. It’s over
for good. You’ve been removed from my class.” His eyes widened and
his mouth dropped open. “And I’m not welcome back next year at
Zionsville Academy.” I paused so I could take a deep breath. “They
feel I may not be able to handle teenagers without flirting with
them and developing ‘friendships’ of any kind.”

“Fuck.” Landon looked down at the floor.

“Yeah, fuck is right.” I walked away from him and
looked out the window into the parking lot of our complex. “So, I
have no job for next year. If I don’t get into any grad schools in
California, I’m totally screwed. The only chance I have of getting
a decent recommendation, you know, not one where I’m called a child
molester, is if we have NO more contact at all. This whole thing is
ruining my life.”

Landon face contorted in confusion. “You applied to
grad school in California?”

My fury couldn’t be contained and I shook from head
to toe. “My mom convinced me to. What did you think? I would hang
here in Indy while you banged your way through college?” I shouted
the last part and he crossed the room to me quickly.

“I wouldn’t be with anyone but you.” He whispered the
words vehemently in my ear and I pushed him away with both hands
again.

“Back off. If you ever loved me at all, and I know
you did, you won’t look at me, you won’t speak to me, and you sure
as hell won’t wait for me.” I spoke to him as coldly as I could. I
had to get through to him. This was truly the end for me. I loved
Landon, and I thought he was an incredible person, but I wouldn’t
sacrifice my whole life for a guy headed to college and just
beginning his life. I couldn’t trust him enough to make that
gamble. In the end, I would lose. Everything.

“I will never get over this, and you are jeopardizing
things even more by being here. Now, leave.” I stared at him,
needing him to see the depths of my sorrow. Maybe if he knew how
much pain I was in, that alone would force him to leave.

Landon looked at me with tears in his eyes and yanked
the door open. He turned back and I pushed the door shut in front
of him. It was cruel but necessary. This was toxic. This was wrong.
This was the saddest day of my life.

And, then, you pour a strong fucking drink.

***

AFTER AN ARCTIC winter filled with below zero
temperature, ice storms, and blizzards—spring was a welcome change
in Indiana. The violets and peonies bloomed, grass was green again,
and the air smelled fresh and clean. School was filled with the
yearly excitement that occurred whenever the increase in
temperatures resulted in the decrease of clothing. As soon as it
hit sixty degrees, the tank tops, flip flops, and tiny shorts made
for happy teenage boys across the state.

Spring sports season had many students playing
baseball, softball, or volleyball. Landon, Dean, and their gang of
testosterone-filled-muscle-heads all played varsity baseball. I
only knew this because I saw them in their uniforms, and there was
nothing—and I mean nothing—like seeing Landon in a snug fitting
baseball uniform.

I hadn’t spoken to Landon in three weeks. True to
what I had begged of him, he ignored me and I him. Principal
Mahoney had him removed from my third period Econ class, and I kept
his seat empty as a reminder of how badly I had screwed up my
life.

My mom started her job at the bank and loved it. She
was working normal hours, bringing home a decent paycheck, and even
making friends. She seemed happier than I had ever known. Evie and
Garrett were doing great, as well. Evie was being monitored by the
support staff more aggressively and, yet, she still had the
independence she needed. It was a balance that worked for her. I
spent a lot of my free time going to dinner or shopping with her.
She gave me total, no strings attached, love during a time where I
felt more troubled and alone than ever before.

My daily routine was to arrive at work before anyone
besides the janitor, eat lunch alone at my desk, and leave as soon
as the last students cleared the hallways. I loved teaching my
classes, but other than that, I felt like a ghost and every extra
minute in that building was sucking more and more life from me.
Shout out to my old buddies,
Bitter & Boring
. They were
back with a vengeance.

I was the school pariah. No more students hung out in
my room—had their parents told them not to? The thought made me
sick. No teachers talked to me or even looked my way unless it was
with scrutiny. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Tommy Stone checked
on me each day. With Sam on maternity leave, she worried about me
and he promised to keep an eye out. I could only imagine the raft
of shit he would get from Sam if he didn’t have news for her at the
end of each day. I didn’t mind the attention or the friendship,
even if it was somewhat forced. Tommy was kind, understanding, and
never made me feel judged. He was there when I needed it… and I
really needed it.

I also had Amy. Amy was the saving grace that kept me
from just packing it in and leaving. I would never forget her
loyalty as long as I lived.

Sitting at my desk on a rainy Monday, I looked around
for my lunch.
Crap
. I forgot it at home. I sat back in my
chair and looked into the gray parking lot. Landon’s truck was
parked alongside several other pickups and SUVs, and I wondered how
he was doing. How was he dealing with the real end of us? For me,
the pain of his absence felt like I was hit in the stomach, and I
couldn’t gather enough oxygen to breathe again.

A knock on the door drew me out of my daze. “Emma?
Are you eating lunch today?” Tommy stood in the doorway with his
arms crossed on his chest. He looked worried and his worry made me
want to cry or punch something. Either would work.

“I left it at home. No big deal. I’m not hungry.” A
few senior girls were cutting school, running to their cars in the
parking lot. I should turn them in for cutting, but I couldn’t care
less anymore. My resignation had already been filed, and I wanted
these last weeks to pass by quickly.

“You need to eat. You need your strength to deal with
these little creeps.” We both laughed and Tommy seemed to
relax.

“Did you hear the big news of the day?” I shook my
head as Tommy continued. “Dean Goldsmith and Landon were both
accepted on full football scholarships to Indiana University. It’s
the talk of the school. Thought you’d want to know.”

I flashed an obvious half-hearted smile at Tommy. He
didn’t want me to have to hear about Landon from the other
students. He was like a big brother to me and I adored him for
it.

I was really, honestly, thrilled for Landon. He
worked hard, dedicating himself to that sport. He trained
diligently for his goal and he achieved it. I think he had come to
realize in the past year that there was a lot more to him than just
football, though. I wished I could congratulate him and tell him
how elated I was for his bright, open future. His parents would be
ecstatic and their pride, as much as Landon wanted to deny it,
meant something to him. At least one of us would leave this school
year on good terms.

“Thanks for telling me, Tommy. Congratulations to
you, too. You coached them for three years on the varsity team.
Your hard work has paid off.” I smiled when I saw his gruff
shrug.