My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (21 page)

“You longed for someone to love you, like every woman longs to be loved, like I long to be loved. Then he started to hoard his money, questioning you even on your grocery purchases.”

I tore off more blue.

“And the beatings started to happen more often. Then you met Richard. Richard was a different color, let’s say Richard is purple. By the time your relationship with Richard has developed to the point that you make love to him, your relationship with Steve is beyond hope.”

I ripped the blue from the yellow as much as possible, but torn patches of blue remained attached to the yellow sheet. Once the glue has dried, you cannot totally separate them.

“So here you are, divorced. Free from Mr. Blue at last or are you? Pieces of him are still attached to you. You have hurts. You aren’t as innocent as when you were younger. You decide you don’t like blue anymore. The problem was you married the wrong man, the wrong color, you think. So you meet Mr. Purple, Richard. Surely purple is better than blue. After all Mr. Purple is kind and gentle. Mr. Purple talks! Most importantly Mr. Purple wants to have children. He even makes love better than Mr. Blue. So you marry Mr. Purple and the whole thing repeats itself.

“It turns out Mr. Purple is horrible. [I was using her phrase.] Mr. Purple is not a good father. You have arguments over how to discipline your child. You get in a car accident, and Mr. Purple drops your daughter off with your parents and doesn’t even come to the hospital to visit you. You feel abandoned, unloved and alone. How could he be so insensitive?

“Helen, I can really understand why you are hurt. I would be hurt too. You know, I haven’t experienced this kind of neglect from Brian. Richard doesn’t buy you cards and gifts. You try to talk to him about it, but he justifies himself and says it’s a frivolous waste of money. Still you don’t have the affection you long for, the affection every woman longs for. So you are married but alone, and very empty. You care for your daughter, you excel in your career, but still you feel empty, unfulfilled and alone.

“Then you meet Mr. Red.” I got this piece out extra carefully, showing only one side to Helen.

“This is Brian. Brian is different from any man you’ve ever met before. He doesn’t have any blue tones at all! He doesn’t swear. He is a gentleman. He opens the door for you. He speaks highly of his wife. He is charming and witty. He talks about the ingredients for a successful marriage. He talks about open and honest communication. You’ve never heard a man speak of things that matter like this before. You are attracted to him right away. You notice that he is good with children. He makes kids laugh. He is their hero. You wish your daughter had a father like this.

“So you went after him, and it appears you have won him over, but if you marry him there will be problems,” I said, as I carefully glued the untainted yellow side representing Helen to the red paper representing Brian. This exposed the damaged side of the yellow paper with the torn pieces of blue still stuck to it.

“One of the problems is you. You are still hurt from your first marriage. This is why when you went shopping on Robson Street and saw your ex husband you were no longer able to enjoy yourself. And you also have pieces of Mr. Purple attached to you, hurts from Richard. But Brian can fix all that, right? Brian is the man of integrity who reads books on marriage. Brian puts effort into relationships. Surely if you are married to a man like Brian you will have a happy life, but there is another problem.”

I flipped the newly glued yellow and red construction papers around to reveal a damaged red side with pieces of green attached to it which I had carefully prepared in advance.

“Brian has pieces of me, the green, attached to him. You see, Brian is not a free man. He is not free to marry you. Brian tells me that even though all this has happened with you, he still loves me. Perhaps he loves us both, I don’t know. If you pursue a life with Brian, if in fact he does follow through with this and marry you, you will not have what you are longing for. You will not have that one man who will love, honor and cherish you and only you. You will compete with me every single day of your married life with Brian. And he will be a damaged man, a man who is disillusioned and doesn’t believe in himself anymore. He will no longer be the same

Brian you met six months ago.

“I have one more thing to say. This will be difficult for you to understand because you do not share our faith in God.”

Helen was still listening fully attentive. She looked as if she wanted to hear more, but was afraid. The words were coming to me with ease, so I kept going.

“God is real, and once you have had a personal relationship with Him as Brian has, you cannot just walk away from your faith and be happy.

“I know of a woman by the name of Arthelene Rippy. She and her husband knew God in this way. They were pastors and even founded a Christian school. They were very much in love and impacting their community and their world in a positive way. One day after many years in this solid marriage, Arthelene’s husband suddenly and unexpectedly left her for another woman. One year later he committed suicide, and a couple of years after that, the other woman arrived on Arthelene’s doorstep begging for her forgiveness.

“If Brian pursues a life with you, I am convinced that this is what will happen to him. He will not be able to live with himself. And I believe one day you will come home to find Brian dead on your floor, and that day won’t be so far away. Then you will find yourself on my doorstep. There will be no more Brian, and you will be asking me for forgiveness.

“I know you want a man to love, honor and cherish you, and I want you to know you can have that. You deserve it. God wants you to have it too. But you will not have it with my husband. I don’t know whether God will give you the desire of your heart through healing your relationship with Richard, or through a new man, who isn’t married to someone else. But I do know if you seek God in your life, He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Helen was speechless. I could see she had a lump in her throat and she needed me to leave quickly. I pulled out the card I had written for her.

“This is for you,” I said. “I want you to know I really do care about you as a person, and I’m sure that had we met under different circumstances, we could have been friends.”

I walked to the door, gave her a hug, and left, feeling an overwhelming sensation of love and compassion for the woman I had wanted to kill two weeks ago. I felt strong and powerful, filled with peace.

It didn’t matter anymore what Helen thought. What mattered was that I had faced the thing I was afraid of, and I wasn’t afraid anymore.

CHAPTER 14
Unseen forces pulling
Brian Home 

DAY SIXTEEN-WEDNESDAY, MAY 3 1, 2 000
The Light

As I drive through the darkness

The light comes to me.

It entices me and inspires me.

It makes me think I can press on.

It is not wavering—it is constant and strong.

As the light comes to me

I know I can go on.

As I drive through the darkness

The light bids me come.

It reassures me and comforts me.

It makes me think I can press on.

It is not unfaithful—it is loving and kind.

As the light bids me come

I know I can go on.

As I drive through the darkness

I am no longer alone.

The light is all encompassing.

It makes me think I can press on.

No more empty promises—instead a purposeful path.

I am no longer alone and

I know I can go on.

MARGIE THALER, A PERSONAL FRIEND FIRST TIME PUBLISHED

Motivated by love, perhaps motivated by insanity, still behaving like a desperate and neurotic mad woman, I once again decided to do something proactive to get Brian back. I attempted once more to have lunch with Brian.

This time I heeded his warning from last week and phoned in advance. He agreed to this lunch. I concluded that was a good sign.

I started to get ready. It was an obsessive routine of perfecting to the best of my ability every detail of my physical appearance, as if looking like a sex goddess was the secret to winning back the affections of a straying husband.

I bathed, shaved my legs, styled my hair, manicured my nails, and then searched for the most flattering outfit in my closet. I came up with a short, sleeveless denim dress that hadn’t fit me for a while, but was now perfect. It was also one of Brian’s favorites. It buttoned all the way up the front, but I left the lowest button undone to expose a little extra leg.

During my hour-long drive to Brian’s workplace, I felt anxious and afraid. Worried that I would say the wrong things.

In spite of my fear, I willed myself on, asking God for strength and for a miracle. I was still functioning in a state of shock, thinking that all I needed was for my husband to return home, as if we could then just carry on as if nothing had happened.

Although Brian did not smile at me when I arrived, he was less

grumpy than the time I had arrived unannounced.

“Are you still fasting?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Well, what’s the point of going out for lunch then?” he said.

“The point is being together,” I answered. “Plus, I am allowing myself to eat some liquids. I’ll order a bowl of soup.” Brian drove us to a family restaurant, and I felt the pressures that come on a first date. I was out to be fun and exciting. I wanted to impress. Yet I was in a state of severe emotional shock and pain.

Brian asked me about me about my meeting with Helen on Monday and that made me smile. It was something I felt good about.

“Helen said you had your boobs hanging out,” Brian said. That humored me.

“I didn’t have my boobs hanging out,” I replied playfully. “I was wearing my blue fitted tank top, you know the one. Itjust shows a little bit of cleavage.”

“Yeah, I figured that’s probably what you wore.” He seemed somewhat amused that Helen was intimidated by me. “I thought it was funny that she kept talking about it. That’s really pretty much all she had to say about the meeting. I think she’s pretty self-conscious about her flat chest.”

“Okay, Brian. I wasn’t going to say anything about it, but now that you brought it up, I must say, I can’t believe you are leaving me for a woman without breasts! What is wrong with you? I thought you liked breasts.”

He looked a little embarrassed.

“Anne, it’s not about the sex,” he said. “It’s about the friendship. Helen is just fun to be with. You’re not.”

Wow, that hurt! I tried to be mature and not respond to it. I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up. Fortunately the waitress arrived to take our order.

After some silence, I asked him why he thought I was no fun. He explained that he thought I was too serious, that he preferred Helen’s sports-chat to my deep conversations. I restrained myself from criticizing Helen, as it would only put him on the defensive, drive him further away. I held my tongue.

When the waitress brought our food, I found it ironic that we said our customary mealtime prayer together before eating. Brian ate his meat sandwich enthusiastically, while I simply stirred my clam chowder around in its bowl. I didn’t care about eating, only about being attractive to Brian.

“The problem with you Anne is that you never listen to me,” Brian started in. “You are so self-centered. You only think about yourself. You don’t even care about me.”

“Well, after all these years, if that’s how you feel, can you not give me a second chance?” I asked.

“No. You have not been listening to me. You don’t even care about me,” Brian said.

He continued, but I did not understand.

“But Brian, it’s not true. I do listen to you. I do care about you.”

“See, you’re not even listening to me now,” he said. “You’re still just thinking about yourself.”

As we left the restaurant, tears forced their way out of my eyes. I had been completely unsuccessful in being fun. I was humiliated and embarrassed.

As I said good-bye to Brian, his face looked strained and sad. I wished he would kiss me good-bye, but he remained distant. My best friend, who I had previously gone to for comfort, was now the one hurting me and there was no comfort to be had.

I am a big loser,
I thought to myself driving home.
I am a big loser, and Helen is fun and exciting.

Later in the afternoon, Brian phoned me.

“I’m thinking about coming by tonight,” he said.

“Would you like to come home for dinner?”

“Yes. I was wondering, would that be alright?”

“Yes. Of course,” I replied happily, as if he were a friend from out of town dropping in unexpectedly. After hanging up the phone, I excitedly told the kids. All three helped me prepare the house. Dustin and Tamara did the cleaning. Danielle made sure all the laundry was done. I prepared steaks for the barbecue and baked carrot cake, Brian’s favorite desert.