Microsoft Word - Illicit Desires ePub.doc (29 page)

could make it all better for him.

But …

How could I?

It's like you have this person who's bugging you, annoying you, making you angry every

time they talk to you or are around you; everything in you tells you to kill them, kill that

person and get it over with, kill that person and you'll feel good, you'll feel better. But you

still don't kill them.

Why? Because it's not right!

It was the same thing between me and Adrian. I couldn't be with him no matter how

much everything in me told me to do it. It wasn't even a question to me.

You know what to do, and what you don't do.

It just broke my heart that I didn't know any
'right'
way to help my brother.

Since he broke up with Emma, he wasn't the same – walking around like a zombie,

hardly talking to anyone, and never making eye contact with me.

No matter how much I tried to talk to him in any way, he didn't respond to me. He

didn't even acknowledge my presence – like I wasn't there, like I didn't even exist. I kind of

wished that he would even just flip me off when I talked to him; it'd be better than nothing.

I missed him.

I didn't know if he was like that because of Emma or if there was something else. I

mean, if it was Emma, why would he break up with her in the first place?

I wished that Sean was around; at least he'd have somebody to talk to since Ian was no

longer an option and all, and Elliot was the brother of Miss Drama Queen, doing what she

said in order to not upset her.

He had nobody, and he was so lonely.

I wished that he'd talk to Peter; he liked him, and they'd become friends in no time, but

he still didn't let anyone in. Even when our parents talked to him, he just nodded or shook

his head. Sometimes he replied with just a few short words, but that was about it.

Oh, Adrian!
If you'd just forget about all of your foolish thoughts and illicit desires,

everything would be just fine!

Christmas came and went, and he was still the same. No emotion appearing whatsoever

– just a blank face, and blank days for me. Because it was like he wasn't there at all.

Mom asked me more than once if something had happened at school, but I told her

there was nothing, just the drama with Emma and that was it.

She wanted to talk to Emma, can you believe it? Mom thought that she was the one

who broke up with him, so she wanted to tell her how miserable her son was without her –

maybe she would feel sorry for him and take him back.

Seriously, how pathetic is that?

I told her that Adrian was the one who broke up with her, so she let it go, but then she

kept babbling on about how close we used to be, and now I didn't even know something as

simple as what was bothering my brother.

I did know. Well, sort of. But what could I tell her?

The fact that he was so quiet all the time was driving me crazy. I even thought about

wearing something tight, revealing and white – just to get him to say something to me, even

if it was just cursing. But I really didn't want to press his limits.

I heard the water running in the bathroom; he was in there, probably brushing his teeth.

I missed him so much, and I vowed to myself that I'd make him talk to me today, no matter

what it took, so I left my bed and went to the bathroom.

Like I had expected, he was brushing his teeth. When I opened the door, his hand froze

and his eyes caught mine, then they roamed over my body for just a split second through the

mirror, before he looked away and continued what he was doing before I entered, like

nothing had happened.

"Good morning, Adrian," I said, smiling, even though I knew he wouldn't see it.

He didn't reply; he didn't even roll his eyes or glare, just acted like he didn't hear me at

all.

I sighed, then I made my way to my own sink and grabbed my toothbrush. Before I

even got the chance to pick up my toothpaste, he was gone.

I sighed again, brushed my teeth, took off my olive tank top and black panties, then got

into the shower.

The whole day I tried talking to him. Nothing. Still.

Do you want a sandwich?
He left the kitchen.

Do you want to watch a movie with me?
He put his earphones on.

Do you want to go for a walk?
He grabbed his guitar and started playing something.

So frustrating!

It wasn't until dinner that I actually saw him talk for practically the first time all day, and

I somehow wished that he hadn't.

Mom cleared her throat, and I knew she had something to say. Something that was

really important, to the point that it couldn't wait until after dinner. I knew that because she

always made a big deal about it if any of us talked about anything that wasn't important while

having dinner.

"There is something important that I want to discuss."

Ha!

We all stopped eating, and Dad gave her hand a gentle squeeze, encouraging her to go

for it.

What is the big deal?

"I, uh, I was putting some supplies you kids needed in your bathroom, and – while I

was at it, I found something in Lily's tampon drawer!" She looked at Adrian.

Oh, crap!

I peeked at Adrian, and he was frowning – confused, of course.

"The thing I found was – a condom." she choked out.

My dad patted her hand, then squeezed it again, giving Adrian a disappointed look.

This is not happening!
Not happening!
It can't be.

I could see Adrian's hand with the corner of my eye as he held the knife so tightly,

pressing it hard into his plate. I took another glance at his face, but he wasn't looking at me,

he was looking at the knife in his hand, his jaw clenching – and I think I heard some teeth

chattering, too.

Earth, please, can you open up and swal ow me now? Pretty please?

"I know very well that times are different now and everything," Mom started. "But I

saved myself for marriage, and – I'd love it if you two did the same."

Seriously?

"It's never too late to pick the right road, Adrian," she pleaded. "You still can think

about it, honey."

There was silence for a few moments. Silence before the storm.

"Are you finished?" Adrian asked in a low voice, still looking at his knife, stabbing his

plate.

"Uh, I just want the best fo-"

"So you want me to stay away from sex until marriage?" He spoke to her with some

sarcasm in his voice.

This can't be good.

"Yes, honey, it wasn't so hard when I did it, and – "

"And because your life was –
is
– so perfect, you want me to do the same, right? Even

though you ended up with another guy and not the one you
'saved yourself for',
" he made air

quotes, his voice now so full of anger.

"Adrian! Watch your mouth." Dad warned.

"For your information, dear Mom, I started having sex long, oh, a very long time ago."

Mom let out a muffled sob.

"So there is nothing left to
'think'
about.
Okay?" He dropped his knife with a loud clang

and left the dinner table.

Mom was too shocked by his words to say anything. It was too important to her for her

kids to be just perfect, in everything. And I mean
everything
.

And hearing Adrian say those words was – of course – heartbreaking.

"Oh, by the way –" He stopped midway and turned around, and I knew it was because

he wanted to go through the last bump. "That condom you found is
so
not mine. I keep

mine in the drawer of my nightstand beside my bed if you want to check. Seriously, why on

earth would I keep it in my sister's tampon drawer? I wouldn't touch that thing with a stick!"

Mom gasped, and Dad's eyes got so wide, I thought they were going to bug out of his

skull.

"Oh yeah, your sweet little daughter is not that innocent after all. Surprise!"

And then he went to his room, slamming the door shut with force.

Earth?

Now please?

Please?

I woke up the next day a bit late, not like every other morning. I liked to wake up early, very

early, even if it was Sunday, I didn't really care.

Mom had kept me up, telling me everything she knew about physical relationships,

protection, blah blah blah.

She made sure that I got the message of her being so very disappointed in me … and

my brother as well. She didn't actually say the words, but it didn't take a genius to figure out

what she was hinting at.

She didn't leave my room until after I told her that there was nothing to worry about,

and at least I was responsible enough to think about precautions and so on, and how I was

over sixteen, which was the age of consent in Washington

She was really making a big deal out of it, and it was really a pain in the butt to see her

that sad about her
'Perfect Family'
. I mean, c'mon, it's not 1900, for God's sake!

Since I’d failed miserably at keeping the vow I'd made with myself yesterday, I made a new

vow.

I had a few hours before I had to go have lunch with Ian, so I spent a good half an hour

taking a quick shower, my meds, my shot, brushing my hair, dressing in a nice loose skirt and

a blouse.

Adrian was already at the kitchen table having his breakfast, while Mom was busy with

the coffee machine.

"Good morning," I said as I sat at the head of the table.

"Oh, good morning, sweetie. How was your night?" Mom asked her usual morning

question.

"It was good, I slept well," I smiled, sort of glad that there wasn't any tension between

us after last night's conversation.

"What do you want to have for breakfast?"

"Um, nothing, I think I'll share that orange juice with Adrian. You don't mind, Adrian,

do you?" I asked him with a smile, but of course he didn't reply.

Before my mom had time to say anything, her phone rang and she said she had to take

it outside. I just nodded.

"Adrian?" I tried, but he just kept texting and said nothing.

I nudged him in the knee with mine, trying to get him to look at me, but he just huffed

and didn't even glance at me.

I took his glass and sipped a little. The taste wasn't so amazing while I could still taste

my toothpaste, but I didn't show it. I had no idea how on earth he drank it every morning

for years.

I put the glass back and kept watching him, thinking maybe if I tried being annoying

he'd give up eventually and talk to me.

My staring didn't work.

I took another sip, put it back, stared. Nothing.

"Would you just talk to me?" I pleaded.

Nothing.

I nudged him with my knee again.

Nothing.

Again, and again, then again some more. That was when his hand gripped my upper

thigh, right under the table – and
under
my skirt.

I froze.

His eyes slowly made it to mine, and he glared.

"Quit acting like a child!" he snarled quietly.

I stuck out my tongue, because I didn't know what else to do, or say. I thought maybe

he'd laugh and all of this silent treatment would stop, but no, it didn't go like that.

He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, like he was mad or something.

Uh-oh!
What did I do now?
What do I
do
now?