Microsoft Word - Illicit Desires ePub.doc (28 page)

was burning my skin through the open window.

I guess I didn't close it last night.

When did I get here anyway?

Or … how?

The fuck do I care.

I went straight to the bathroom and stripped, then got into the shower.

The hot water was doing wonders for me. My head was pounding like a motherfucker,

but it still felt so relaxing to be under the hot water.

Mom was in the kitchen when I got there, baking or cooking or whatever she does on

Sunday mornings at eleven o'clock.

"Good morning, honey. Sleep all right?" she asked cheerfully.

"Mornin'," I simply answered, ignoring her question. I certainly was not in the mood for

morning chit-chat!

"I can make you some pancakes," she offered as I grabbed the orange juice.

"Nah, it's cool."

"I didn't have anything today except coffee. Dad left early, and Lily didn't feel well

enough to come downstairs. We can have breakfast together."

I choked on my juice and spluttered. My mom was by my side right away patting my

back.

"She didn't feel well?" I choked out.

"Yeah, something she ate while she was out last night didn't go well with her stomach,"

Mom explained. "But don't worry, Dad checked on her and gave her some meds. She should

be fine by nighttime, or maybe before."

You real y believed that bul shit, Mom? She couldn't come down because she's fucking sore from al of

the fucking she did last night.

"Are you okay?'

I didn't answer.

"Where are you going?"

I let the door reply to her as I slammed it fiercely behind me.

I'm sick of feeling the anger consuming me like a demon. I'm sick of being a jerk to everyone I care about.

I'm just sick of this whole fucking life. But what should I do? Where should I go? I'm so fucking tired.

Desperate and destroyed. I need to fix myself before I hurt other people.

"Hel o!"

"Hey, can I come over?"

Silence.

"Emma?"

"My parents are home."

"It's fine. I just want to talk."

Silence.

"Is it okay if I stop by?"

"Okay,"
she sighed.

"Al right then, see you in a few."

"See ya."

I have no fucking clue how I'm going to fucking do this.

"Emma, I'm sorry about last night. I don't know what came over me." I apologized,

trying to do the right thing for
once
.

She just nodded and looked away.

I held her hands.

"You're a very nice girl, Emma. You don't deserve anything but the best of the best."

"Thanks," she whispered, still not looking me in the eyes.

"You're so good to me, and I don't deserve you."

That was when she looked up and stared into my eyes.

"I'm – not sure I'm following." she frowned.

"I'm breaking up with you," I finally said, feeling like shit for hurting her.

It was the right thing to do, and I should've done it a long time ago. As a matter of fact,

I should've never dated her in the first place. It wasn't right to get involved with someone

when you know you can never truly give them any of your feelings. I liked her. But that was

it
for me. I could never do anything, or offer her anything other than that.

The silence in the room was too loud for my ears. She didn't say anything; she just kept

staring at me. Blue to green. And it really made me feel like deep shit when I saw a tear

escaping her eye, onto her cheek.

"You're breaking up with me?" she whispered.

"Emma, please, I don't want you to be sad about this. It's the right thing to do, you

deser-"

"Why?" she interrupted me. "What have I done?"

"You didn't do anything, really. It's not you, it's me."

"'
It's not you, it's
me?' really? You're giving me that crappy line and you want me to

believe it?"

"It's really me. You're truly amaz-" she interrupted me once again by shrugging her

hands away from mine and walking away.

I stood up from her bed and followed her to the window she was standing by, not really

knowing what else I should say.

"After all the things I've done for you?" she said into the air. "Do you realize how shitty

you have treated me all along? Do you realize I never once complained about it? Do you

know why? Do you know why I took it all and shut up about it?"

I didn't reply, I just hung my head, and looked at the floor.

"Because I loved you! I truly did!" she cried. "Do you realize how many times I told you

that I love you and you never cared to say it back to me? Not even once? Do you realize you

never ever made love to me? Not even the night I lost my virginity to you?"

She was right about everything she was saying. I had treated her like trash.

"Don't you know how much it hurt me that almost every time you
fucked
me, I had to

be facing away from you? Like you were
disgusted
to even look at my face!" she sobbed. "Yet,

I still said nothing. And here you are breaking up with me, because
'I'm too good for you.'
" She

made air quotes.

"Emma, I'm so sorry. You really deserve better than m—"

"Save it, Adrian," she stopped me, wiping her tears away. "I've known since the

beginning that you never truly cared about me. I was just hoping that som- … no, I was

really mistaken."

"I'm sure you'll find anoth-"

"I don't need your pity," she spat with bloodshot eyes and a miserable expression that

wanted to appear strong. "Get out of my house!"

"Em-"

"I said get the fuck out!" she screamed, more tears covering her face.

And I did.

The next day at school, I avoided absolutely everyone, including Lily. I hadn't looked at her

at all for two days now, not even once. I didn't know what I would do if I looked at her and

saw how she had changed from a girl to a woman.

Lunchtime was another story. I had to go and sit at our table like every day, and

something was telling me it wasn't going to be good.

There were at least three people at that table that I didn't want to have any contact with.

But what could I do? Eventually I went there.

They were all sitting there, including Peter and Sally – his girlfriend. Emma looked

wretched, making me feel even more shitty than I already felt.

This is so awkward!

You should have thought about that before you started dating one of your friends, jerk.

"Hey," I said casually as I sat down.

Immediately Julia stood up, bringing Emma with her.

"Julia, where are you going?" Elliot asked.

"I'm not sitting at the same table as this dickhead," she spat.

O-kay!

"Julia, c'mon! We're still friends, after all," Ian commented.

"I'm not friends with assholes. Lily, are you coming?"

"You're serious about this?" Lily asked.

"Of course I am."

"I'm sorry, Julia. But if you think I'm going to put you above my brother, then you're

truly mistaken!"

"Really? Okay fine! Elliot?"

"Julia, you're overreacting! It's not like it's any of our business!"

"So she will stand by her brother and you'll leave your sister
and
cousin on their own?"

"Ugh!" Elliot let out a frustrated sigh as he stood up. "Sorry, man," he muttered to me.

"Sorry, Lily," Sandra said as she left with her boyfriend.

"Hey, Adrian. I'm sorry about all of this," Peter said.

"I don't need your sympathy, thank you very much!" I got up and walked out of the

school building.

I walked away.

Away.

I did one thing that I knew was right, and now I was completely … alone.

The fuck … I do care!

It killed me to see him suffering like this.

It's so hard to watch the one you love more than anything in the whole world withe in

his own damned pit of loneliness and self-loathing. Especially if you can't do anything about

it.

I knew Adrian well enough to know what he was really like. He was not a bad person;

he was a real sweetheart, and I'm not just saying that. It was true.

And knowing that made me feel bad, because I knew he must be feeling like trash over

wanting something as low as what he wanted.

I overheard Mom and Dad talking the other day … they were worried about him, saying

something about panic attacks?
God!
That broke my heart. And thinking that it could all be

related to me? That was something else.

I knew I could make him feel better. I knew I could wipe that sad, miserable look off of

his beautiful face –he seemed to be able to wear nothing but that look nowadays. I knew I