Microsoft Word - Illicit Desires ePub.doc (17 page)

could she give me mixed signals over and over again, every freaking once in a while? Why

the fuck was she doing that to me? She knew very well what she meant to me, and what

being close to her did to me.

So why on earth did she enjoy watching me suffer?

Fuck her!

You wish.

Shut up!

Maybe Lily was right after all, maybe dating was what I really needed. But then again, I still

felt something missing. A big
something
.

Having Emma was like eating soy instead of beef: it kept you full, but never satisfied.

Emma filled some of my needs, but it felt wrong. So wrong.

There was blonde where there should be brown, there was blue where there should be

green, there was …
Emma when it should be Lily.

God!
Am I never going to get over her?!
I became more accepting of the fact that I could

never have Lily, I mean, with Emma and me together and all. Maybe that was how I should

live, hell, it
was
how I should live; it was the right thing. To be with anyone but my sister.

Emma wasn't so bad; actually, she wasn't bad at all. Yeah, sex wasn't that perfect at first,

but we were both virgins. We learned how to
make things
together, and it was getting better

over time.

But she wasn't Lily…

I stopped giving Lily a hard time about whatever. She didn't seem to be doing very well

after that night in the bathroom, and I really hated what I did to her so very much. I

shouldn't have gripped her arm like that, but she made me so fucking mad!

I now had a clear vision of Lily's point of view when it came to us being together as

more than just a brother and sister. The jealousy and annoyance in Lily's eyes, every time she

saw me doing something as simple as holding hands with Emma, made me sure that she had

other feelings for me.

But she was doing what she thought was the right thing. Well, what she was doing the

right thing, but I didn't like it. I wanted to do the wrong thing. She wanted me, but she knew

it wasn't right to be with me.

Wel , fuck her for denying us both the happiness we could be living in right now!

And
, maybe I was just being delusional again, just wishful thinking, it was all in my head

anyway, no proof.

"Adrian, please, please, I wanna ride this too, please?" Emma begged for what felt like

the millionth time. It had started to become annoying.

"Emma, please, I said no!"
How many times do I have to tel her no?

"But, honey, it's so much fun, and Lily will be okay!" she whined.

"I'm not leaving my sister standing all by herself here, okay?"

"It's okay, Adrian! I'm fine," Lily said.

"Shut up!" I shushed her.

"Idiot." She started walking away.

"Lily, fucking wait, don't walk on your own!" I called after her.

"I'm not a child!" she spat over her shoulder.

"Emma, please, go ride with Ian, he won't mind. I'm sorry," I said in a hurry and left her

pouting, after I patted her cheek.

"Would you slow the fuck down?!" I yelled, causing many people to look at me,

frowning. Maybe I flipped them off, I might add.

"Lily, wait!" I finally reached her.

"I don't want you to babysit me, Adrian!" she spat, her voice cracking a little at the end.

"Why are you being so fucking dramatic?!"

"I'm not, so fuck off, okay?!"

I let out a long huff and sighed in frustration. She was really being unbelievable!

Everyone but her was having a good time. The carnival we'd all been waiting for, for a

long time was finally here, and we all went there, to do what? Have fun! But of course, Lily

had to be such a fucking drama queen and act all bitchy with the seven of us, not just me like

always. I didn't know what was wrong with her.

When it came to the rollercoaster, she just lost it. She yelled at everyone not to ride it.

They didn't understand her, but I sure did. No one listened to her, of course, they all got in

line. But I couldn't just leave her there and ride with Emma.

I knew very well she wouldn't ever join us, not in a million years. You see, Lily had a

phobia of rollercoasters!

When we were kids, someone stupid told her a scary story about them. I didn't know

why the fuck she still believed it. She was almost eighteen, for fuck's sake!

"You know very well that I'm not leaving you," I said quietly as I followed her. She just

huffed and kept on walking.

After a while her steps slowed down and we walked awkwardly. I hated to follow her

like a lost dog, but I couldn't fucking do any other thing.

A few moments later we sat on one of the benches. She didn't acknowledge my

presence at all, and I didn't say anything about it.

I got up and saw her keeping an eye on me out of the corner of my eye. I thought she

was somewhat afraid I'd leave, but of course I would never do that, at least not before the

guys got off the fucking thing and we could go on with our fucking night.

"I brought you cotton candy!" I said, smiling.

Peace offering…

Her eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning and she smiled brightly, murmuring a

small, ''Thanks."

Women!

I watched her as she took piece after piece of the pink fluff and put it into her mouth. A

few bites later, I figured it'd be better if I looked away, watching her all sweet and tender like

that made my heart ache.

"Do you want some?" she asked.

"Not gonna eat girly stuff, thank you very much!"

"C'mon, it's just sugar." She took another piece and held it in front of my mouth. I

looked at her, then at her hand, and she nodded in encouragement with a smile.

How can I say no to those eyes?
I took it from her hand with my mouth, trying my hardest

not to touch her fingers, but failing a little.

Her eyes watched me as I did it, her lips slightly parted. Then in one second she

shrugged away that expression, whatever was it, and just smiled.

I reached for the cotton candy and took a small piece, then offered it to her. She took

my hand that was holding the piece and smiled, her eyes watched mine watching her as she

darted her tongue out and tasted the candy. Then her lips wrapped around my fingers, and

ate the cotton candy off of them. I almost lost it when I felt her tongue touching my

fingertips.

I swallowed thickly when she backed away and offered me another fucking sweet smile.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" she asked.

"Sure,"

I got up and tried awkwardly to adjust my hard-on through the material of my jeans,

then followed her. We were far away from the rollercoaster, but we still could see it since it

was so high and all. Lily stopped and looked at it.

"I still remember the last time I rode one, you know?" she said.

' Yeah, me too,"

"It was fun," she said in a soft voice.

"It was, we could have joined them, you know?"

"You know I can't, not without you," I knew very well what she meant. Lily still rode it

every now and then, but not without me. Her only condition to ride it was for me to be with

her in the same seat, beside her.

"I would've still been there beside you,"

"Yeah, and leave your girlfriend alone." She rolled her eyes and looked away, not

believing me.

"Who am I with right now, Lily?" I asked as I touched her chin and forced her lightly to

look at me.

She looked up at me, and just stared, not saying anything. I dropped my hand, but

stayed close to her, never breaking my eye contact with her. She looked so fucking beautiful.

"I always feel safe while you're beside me, Adrian," she whispered, moving a lock of her

hair behind her ear, still looking at me with so much sweetness in her eyes.

My eyes widened slightly as Ian's words came rushing back into my head.

"When you are talking with a girl and she does this 'moving a lock of her hair behind her ear' thing,

that means she's silently begging you to kiss her."

Could it be true?

"Yeah, trust me. Especial y when she's al smiling and looking at you like the sun just rose up from

your ass or some shit like that."

Fuck!

Without a second thought, I crushed my lips to hers.

God! How much had I wanted to do that? How fucking long!
I kissed her with all the passion I

had for her, hard. I wrapped my arms around her body and pressed her into me.

She brought her hand to my neck and I thought it was to push me away, but to my

surprise she buried her hands in my hair and pulled me into her lips. I fucking died!

I parted my lips slightly and tasted her lips, somewhat still afraid she'd pull away, but she

fucking let me in! My tongue played with hers in a slow, sweet dance. She tasted like fucking

heaven. My hand roamed all over her back, and I heard her moaning as I sucked on her

bottom lip.

When breathing was becoming much needed, we broke our kiss. I really didn't care if I

suffocated; dying while kissing her would be the best way to go,
ever
.

I rested my forehead on hers. We both were panting heavily, and I swore my heart was

really trying to bust out of my fucking chest. Moments later, we parted. I hated it, but she

pulled back.

She stared at me for a second, her face now clear of any emotions. Then her eyes

widened a little and a gasp escaped her.

Her hand was suddenly in front of my face like she was ready to slap me.
Are you fucking

kidding me?
I held her hand before it touched me.

"Hold on there, little sister," I snarled,"Enough with the denial! You want me just as

much as I fucking want you!"

It wasn't normal.

The things I was feeling … they weren’t normal. It was shameful to even think about it,

but every time I saw him with
her
, I felt that unfamiliar ache in my chest. I was jealous.

Like really, really jealous. I never knew what jealousy felt like until the day I saw them

together. I didn't know why, but every time I saw them kissing all I wanted to do was to

jump on her and pull all her freaking hair out. One by one.

I came to realize that it wasn't just the fact that it was
Emma
who was with him and not

any other girl – since I didn't like Emma and all – no, I knew I would feel the same if it was

any other girl, I acknowledged that. Not to mention, the reason why I didn't like Emma in