Lost Innocence (63 page)

‘I’m sorry about that,’ he said, dashing a hand through his hair. ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t have said those things, but I was angry and you’d just told me about your mother and the affair she had with my dad. I wasn’t thinking straight, and you got me so riled up… But that still doesn’t mean I raped you.’

‘Except you did.’

‘Damn it,’ he growled. ‘You’re not…’

‘And what’s more,’ she cut in, ‘you shouldn’t only be apologising, you should be thanking me too, for dropping the charge, otherwise you could have ended up in prison.’

‘No way. My lawyers got the charge thrown out, because it was never going to stand up in front of a jury.’

Annabelle looked puzzled. ‘No one told me that,’ she said. ‘You mean it didn’t all stop because I said I wanted it to?’

Realising this could be a bit of an issue for her, he said, ‘It might have done, if you’d got in first, but by then my dad’s colleagues had drafted a letter to the Director of Public Prosecutions telling him why it shouldn’t even have gone into the system, never mind as far as it had. Once the police saw that, they knew they had to back down.’

Annabelle’s face seemed pinched and uncertain. ‘So actually, no one was really on my side,’ she said, her eyes starting to fill.

‘Yes, they were. There was the police, for a start, and your mum, and Uncle Robert and half the village…’

‘Robert tried to stay neutral.’

‘Well, that’s just him.’

‘I don’t actually know if my mum ever believed me,’ she confided sombrely. ‘She says she did, but you can never tell with her.’

‘There was still the police,’ he said awkwardly.

‘It’s not like having the whole world weighing in for you though, is it, the way you did?’

‘It was just a few lawyers, and anyway, it’s not the point.’

‘No, I suppose not,’ she said, and stared down at the fire again. ‘The point is,’ she went on, ‘everyone thinks I’m a
liar now, and I haven’t really got any friends any more – I mean Georgie and Catrina say they are, but they don’t invite me to anything now. Not that I care, because I don’t want to go anyway, but you’ve still got everything. All your friends, your mum, Darcie…I expect they hate me now, the same as everyone else. Robert’s the only one who likes me really, but even he doesn’t want me here. He says it’s because a girl my age can’t live in the same house as a single man who isn’t her real dad, but I know that’s just an excuse.’

‘Actually, he’s probably right,’ Nat told her seriously. ‘It would seem a bit odd if it happened, but why are you saying that? Your mum’s here…’

‘He’s talking about divorcing her.’

Though surprised, and thrown, he couldn’t bring himself to say he was sorry, so he let the difficult silence run.

‘Do you think Robert doesn’t want me here because I’ve got such a bad reputation?’ she asked in the end.

‘No, it’ll be because people think the way they do about stepfathers.’

‘I do have a bad reputation though, don’t I? It’s why no one wants to have anything to do with me. I mean girls my own age. Some of them haven’t even had a boyfriend yet.’

Not knowing what to say to that, Nat stared down at the flames, feeling their heat on his face and the smoke stinging his eyes. He thought back to when they were younger, and how close they’d been, not only because of the secret games, but because of how well they’d actually got on. They were different people now, though, their innocence had well and truly gone, and he felt shocked and sorry all over again about the way things had turned out between them.

‘It’s weird, isn’t it, that I feel you’re the only one I can talk to,’ she said after a while. ‘Bet you’re not very pleased about that though, because you probably hate me the most of all.’

‘I don’t hate you.’

She gave him a quick look and started to prod the fire again. ‘Are you going to tell your mum what we’ve talked about?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know.’

She shrugged. ‘You’re lucky having a mum like her. I don’t think mine will ever change. Robert says she will if she gets the right therapy.’ She giggled. ‘God does she need therapy! She’s pretty mental, if you ask me.’

Nat’s smile was weak. ‘I guess what really matters,’ he said, ‘is that you put all this behind you and get some decent friends.’

She nodded vaguely. ‘Robert’s right, it’s probably the best thing if I move to a different school, somewhere no one knows anything about me.’ She took a breath, then quite suddenly she was sobbing so hard that before he’d even thought about it he’d put an arm around her.

‘It’ll be all right,’ he told her, as she turned her face into his chest.

‘No it won’t,’ she wailed. ‘Everyone hates me. They’re all talking about me…’

‘That’ll stop,’ he assured her. ‘Everyone’s way more interested in their own lives really. They’ll forget all about this before very much longer, and if you’re going to move away…’

‘I know,’ she choked, ‘but I don’t want to be on my own all the time. I don’t have anyone to talk to, or anywhere to go, and I know it’s all my own fault, but…’

‘Sssh,’ he said, patting her back. ‘It’ll change, honestly, things always do. Look at us now. A month ago, a week ago, no one would ever have thought we’d be talking together like this, and you’re the one who made it happen.’

She gave a shaky sort of smile. ‘Because I thought you might want to apologise,’ she reminded him. ‘I still think you should.’

‘I will, for scaring you that night, and saying so many hurtful things, but I swear, when I…Well, you know, when we did it…I swear on my father’s grave I thought it was what you wanted, and when I realised it wasn’t, that’s when I stopped.’

She nodded. ‘And I swear that when I told the police it was because I truly believed you’d raped me – and I suppose I wanted to punish you for everything you said after.’

‘Well, you’ve definitely done that.’

‘Sorry,’ she said softly.

‘Me too,’ he said.

Standing at the window, Robert could only smile with relief as he watched a second embrace that seemed to end in an eruption of giggles on Annabelle’s part, and a bemused sort of grin on Nat’s. It filled him with such pleasure to see them like that, he almost felt light-headed. He could only wish their mothers might follow the example. However, all things considered, he guessed he’d be waiting a very long time for that.

Sabrina and June were sitting in Sabrina’s car, parked outside the colourful garages adjacent to the Coach House, close enough to see, but shielded by another car so unable to be seen. They watched in silence as Alicia came out of her front door and went to drop something into the dustbin at the gate.

June cast Sabrina an anxious glance. ‘Are you sure you want to go through with this?’ she asked doubtfully.

Sabrina continued to stare across the street, glassy-eyed and frighteningly pale.

June wasn’t at all sure they should be here. She felt certain if Robert knew, he’d forbid Sabrina to go over there, but on the other hand, considering Sabrina’s intentions, it might actually be what he wanted.

As the front door closed behind Alicia June’s eyes flickered towards Sabrina again, but she was still fixated on the Coach House, as though seeing through its walls to the woman inside.

A few more minutes ticked by, then suddenly pushing open the driver’s door, Sabrina got out. She didn’t utter a word to June, nor did she hesitate as she started across the street. She merely kept her eyes trained on the front door she was approaching.

Watching her, June was becoming more concerned than ever by how unstable she’d seemed during this past twenty-four hours. It was reminding her of the early days after she’d broken up with Craig, when everything on the surface had still seemed to be functioning, while underneath it all she was already in pieces. She wondered if she should run after her and try to persuade her to go home. If she felt she
had any chance of succeeding she probably would, but she knew she didn’t, so the best she could do was sit here and wait, letting Sabrina feel safe in the knowledge that she was close by if she needed her.

Alicia frowned as the sound of someone knocking on the door penetrated through the blare of Darcie’s iPod speakers. ‘Didn’t Nat take his keys?’ she said, glancing at the clock.

‘Dunno,’ Darcie answered, engrossed in the chocolate sponge she was making.

Quickly rinsing her hands, Alicia wiped them on her apron as she went to find out who it was.

The instant she saw Sabrina, her insides froze in shock. ‘What the…?’

‘Please, listen,’ Sabrina interrupted, putting a hand on the door to stop Alicia slamming it. ‘I have something to say. Can I… Could I… come in?’

Alicia’s eyes were cold. ‘I’m not interested in anything you…’

‘Please,’ Sabrina said. ‘It won’t take long.’

Alicia stared at her hard, not trusting her an inch.

‘I need to talk to you,’ Sabrina said shakily, and her eyes filled with tears.

Though unmoved, Alicia stepped outside, pulling the door to behind her. ‘Darcie’s in there,’ she said. ‘I don’t want her hearing whatever it is you have to say, especially if it concerns her father.’

Sabrina visibly flinched. Then her fractured gaze seemed to fix on Alicia’s, as she said, ‘I want… I’d like to apologise for what I said at the Roswells’ party.’

Alicia blinked in disbelief. A moment later her suspicions kicked in. ‘Why?’ she demanded.

Sabrina appeared confounded by that. ‘I just…It was… I shouldn’t have said it,’ she finally managed.

‘You’re damned right you shouldn’t, but there’s no way I’m accepting your apology, because frankly, I don’t trust your motives.’

Sabrina seemed thrown, as though the possibility of being rejected had never occurred to her. Then quite suddenly, as though something inside her shifted, her eyes flashed with
temper. ‘Perhaps you’d like me to get down on the ground and grovel,’ she suggested bitterly.

‘If you like, but it won’t make a difference. Either Robert’s put you up to this, or you’ve got some other reason for coming here that serves only you.’

Sabrina was about to snap a denial when she seemed to think better of it. ‘OK,’ she said, pushing a stray strand of hair from her face, ‘I’ve come here because I was hoping that we could put our differences behind us and start again. We both love Robert, and feeling torn between us the way he has, especially with all the dreadful business with Annabelle and Nathan, has been very difficult for him. I think he’s unwell, and I’m afraid if we continue this… feud, we’ll only make him worse.’

Alicia was watching her closely. She was putting on a good show, she’d hand her that, but she still wasn’t buying it. ‘My brother was here only yesterday,’ she told her. ‘There’s nothing wrong with his health, or nothing that getting you out of his life wouldn’t put right.’

Sabrina recoiled as though she’d been slapped. ‘How would you know how he is?’ she seethed. ‘You don’t live with him.’

‘I don’t need to, to know you’re lying. So what’s this really about, Sabrina? Don’t tell me he’s finally come to his senses and decided to throw you out? Is that why you’re trying to apologise? To impress him? Oh my God, I’m right. He has.’ She almost felt like laughing.

Sabrina’s eyes turned deadly, but as she started a scathing retort Alicia put up a hand.

‘You’ve had this coming, Sabrina,’ she told her bitingly. ‘I can only wonder why it’s taken him so long.’

‘It wouldn’t be happening at all if you weren’t here,’ Sabrina hissed. ‘Everything that’s gone wrong in my life is because of
you
, first Craig, then Annab—’

‘Don’t ever speak my husband’s name to me again,’ Alicia growled furiously. ‘You pushed your way into my marriage, you did your best to destroy it, and you broke my brother’s heart trying. So go somewhere else with your lies and false apologies, Sabrina, because they won’t wash here.’

‘No, wait, wait,’ Sabrina cried, grabbing Alicia’s arm as
she started to turn away. ‘Please. Think of Annabelle. I know this has been a difficult summer…’

Alicia gave an incredulous laugh.

‘… but if Robert makes us leave,’ Sabrina pressed on, ‘she won’t only be losing her home and her friends, she’ll be losing him and neither of them really wants that.’

Not entirely unmoved, though amazed that Sabrina would try to use Annabelle to soften her after all that had happened, Alicia said, ‘You should have thought about all this a long time ago, and besides, if I know my brother, he’ll never give up on Annabelle even if she’s not living under the same roof as him.’

Sabrina’s hands suddenly clutched at her head in frustration. ‘Look, I understand why you hate me,’ she cried, ‘but to try and punish me for something I had no control over…I didn’t ask to fall in love with Craig, any more than he asked to fall in love with me.’

Alicia’s expression hardened with anger. ‘It’s time to stop fooling yourself, Sabrina,’ she snapped. ‘He didn’t love you…’

‘Those were the last words he said to me,’ Sabrina shouted desperately. ‘What were…’

‘You’ve asked me that before,’ Alicia cut in sharply, ‘and it’s none of your damned business, but I’ll tell you what his last words
about
you were, shall I? He wondered how he could have risked so much for so little. You were a madness, a compulsion, he said, but sex with you was
meaningless
.’

Sabrina took a step back, as though she’d been struck. ‘You can tell yourself whatever you like, but I know the truth…’

‘No, Sabrina, all you know is what you’ve told yourself. In that pathetically sick head of yours you’ve twisted and changed things to suit your self-delusions and fantasies, when all the time he was here, loving me and his children and doing his level best to try and get rid of you…’

‘It’s you who’s the fantasist,’ Sabrina cried wretchedly. ‘He came back to me, remember? He couldn’t give me up…’

‘But he did in the end, and the only part of it that was
difficult then was dealing with the guilt he felt at having hurt me so much. While you, to quote him, were nothing more than an aberration. In other words, you were the biggest mistake of his life and one he regretted till the day he died.’

Sabrina’s face twitched and blanched with denial. ‘He would tell you that…’