Lost Innocence (57 page)

‘It wasn’t really that bad,’ she was telling him, while shifting slightly in her seat. ‘I mean, it didn’t hurt or anything. Not that I’d want to do it again, mind you, but at least it’s all over now, so we can get back to normal.’

That’s never going to happen,
he thought sadly to himself. ‘Are you uncomfortable?’ he asked as she shifted again.

‘A little bit, but no, not really. I’ve got some painkillers, so I can always take one if it gets too bad.’

She was quiet for a while then, with her head lolling against the seat back, and her eyes half shut against the cluttered high streets of south-west London. ‘We should probably call Mum,’ she said for the third or fourth time.

‘She’ll be waiting to hear from you,’ he told her.

She turned to look at him. ‘I’m supposed to be seeing that Lisa from SAIT tomorrow,’ she said. ‘She’s coming to the house.’

He nodded, and put his foot down as they reached the
start of the motorway. ‘What are you going to talk about?’ he asked evenly.

She shrugged. ‘I don’t know really. Mum thinks I’m going through some sort of
victim
phase, so she wants Lisa to sort me out, as she puts it.’

‘Do you think you’re going through a phase?’ he said. ‘Or is it that you’d simply like all this to be over?’

‘Well, of course I’d like it to be over, but I’m not sure if I should let him get away with it. I mean, I’d feel terrible if I found out later that he’d done it to someone else, and I could have stopped it.’

Throwing her a quick glance, he said, ‘Is that you or your mother speaking?’

She thought about it. ‘A bit of both, I suppose, but she’s right, isn’t she, you can’t let someone get away with something as serious as rape.’

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her if she really knew what rape was, but sensing she might find the question insulting, he said, ‘Did you know Nathan’s in court today?’

The way she turned away suggested she did.

‘It’s going to get very serious from now on,’ he told her gravely. ‘Not that it hasn’t been already, but the next time he appears a real judge will be presiding, and the barristers will come in to start arguing the case. It’s not going to be pleasant, having all your secrets talked about openly in court. It’ll be the job of Nat’s lawyer to paint as black a picture of you as he can.’

She sat quietly with that, before finally saying, ‘I’m not actually going to be there. I’m doing it by video so that won’t be as bad.’

‘No, it’s Nat who’ll have to face the jury.’

‘But all criminals do,’ she reminded him.

‘Indeed, but innocent people can find themselves there too sometimes, and that’s probably a whole lot worse than if you committed the crime, to be charged with something you didn’t do.’

‘That would be terrible,’ she agreed, ‘but he did do it, Robert. Honestly.’

It wasn’t the answer he’d hoped for. ‘Really?’ he prompted dejectedly.

As she swallowed, her eyes went down. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘but … Well, anyway, I don’t want to talk about it any more,’ and turning on her mobile, she pressed to connect to her mother.

As Jolyon and Oliver had promised, the committal proceedings turned out to be yet another formality to be gone through, this time to set a date for the Plea and Case Management hearing, which was scheduled for 7th October, just over four weeks from now.

After they had joined Jolyon for a pub lunch, Alicia drove Nat back to the Coach House, all the time wishing there was something she could say to lighten his mood, if only for a moment. However, instead, she was about to present him with something that was likely to plunge him even deeper into the darkness of his despair, and though she’d give anything to be able to go there for him, she knew that he had to do this alone. She’d be there for him, of course, and she was praying that by releasing all the pent-up emotion inside him he would find new reserves in himself to help him get through the ordeal ahead.

‘Before you go upstairs,’ she said, as she let them in the front door, ‘there’s something I want to show you.’

Not seeming particularly interested, he merely shrugged off his coat and started towards the kitchen.

‘Why don’t you go into the sitting room,’ she suggested. ‘I’ll bring it in there.’

Doing as he was told, he slouched down at the end of the sofa and rested his head on one hand as he waited. When she came in he watched her put a slightly tatty box on the coffee table in front of him before coming to sit on the sofa too. ‘What is it?’ he asked, as she lifted the lid.

‘They’re letters Grandma kept from over the years,’ she told him. ‘Most are from Grandpa, but there are others too, even some from you and Darcie when you were little.’ She passed him a crumpled sheet of paper covered in a childish scrawl with spiky stars and a big half-moon drawn at the top.
Dear Grandma,
he read,
thank you for my fuzzy felts and the trip to the zoo. It was very nice and I loved all the animals especially the lions. Thank you for taking me. I love you, Nat.

With a small raise of his eyebrows he handed it back.

Taking it, she braced herself as she said, ‘There’s one letter in particular that I’d like you to read.’

Shrugging, he held out a hand.

She didn’t pass it over, but looked down at it herself as she said, ‘It’s from Dad, to Grandma, written just over a year ago.’

She saw his hand withdraw and when his eyes came up there was a heartbreaking expression of wariness, and even hostility, glowing in their depths.

‘I think it’ll explain things far better than I can,’ she told him softly.

He started to shake his head.

‘Please,’ she insisted, gently pulling him back as he made to get up. ‘Do this for me. I know it won’t be easy, but I’d really like you to try.’

His eyes went back to the letter. His face had lost its colour now and he was looking more strained than ever. ‘What does it say?’ he asked tersely.

Taking a breath, she braced herself again and said, ‘He’s talking about what happened with Sabrina, and why …No, Nat, sit down, please,’ she cried, grabbing him before he could get up. ‘I know you know about the affair, so you need to read this. It’s the only way you’re going to understand and maybe forgive Dad, if you let him speak for himself.’

His eyes were still shining with angst and resistance as he looked at her.

‘Here,’ she said, taking his hand and putting the letter into it.

For a long time he simply sat with it, staring at his grandmother’s name and address on the front of the envelope. The handwriting was so familiar to him that it was hard to look at, but at the same time he couldn’t take his eyes away. He was too afraid to do this. He didn’t have the courage to read his father’s words and hear his voice in his head, and know it would be for the very last time. It would be as though he’d come back to life, only to die again. Nat wanted him back so much that it hurt all the time. He couldn’t even look at photographs for more than a moment, so how could he possibly read an entire letter?

Taking the envelope back Alicia slipped the pages out, unfolded them and returned them to his hand. ‘It’s all right,’ she promised. ‘You’ll see.’

Trying to swallow the growing lump in his throat, Nat looked down at the first two words,
Dear Monica
, and then, after a beat, he found himself reading on.

I’ve sat down many times to start this letter, but could never find the right way to begin, much less to explain the madness that came over me that ended up causing so much pain to your family and the rift that now exists between you and Alicia. Although the two of you speak regularly on the phone, and you know you are always welcome in our home, it is very difficult for her not to visit you in yours. She understands why you’ve asked her to stay away, and because she has no wish to run into Sabrina in the village, or to cause you any more worry or upset after the dreadful scene between them in front of you, she isn’t insisting on coming. Nor am I seeking to change your mind. My aim is solely to try to apologise for all the anguish and unhappiness my actions have brought to you all. It would be too much to expect your forgiveness when I am unable to forgive myself, but I do hope I can convince you that my love for you all is, if anything, more profound than ever.

What happened with Sabrina was, as I said, a madness. Even now I am at a loss to explain how or why I lost all reason and judgement. All I can say is that there was a compulsion inside me that seemed oblivious to integrity, or loyalty. The entire time it was happening I hated myself for it, and yet I was unable to stop. No longer being in the grip of it makes it hard to describe how I was feeling or what I was thinking as it unfolded, I only know now that I wish with all my heart that it had never begun.

Ever since I first came into Alicia’s life you have made me feel a welcome and cherished member of your family, so knowing how I’ve repaid you makes the burden of my guilt even harder to bear. I ask for no sympathy, I simply want you to know how deeply I respect and love you, and how truly sorry I am that all the wonderful times we have spent together in Holly Wood have come to an end. I know how much Alicia and the children miss coming to see you, but I hope that your health will soon improve enough for you to resume your visits here. If you would prefer me not to be around when you do, then I shall understand completely and make myself scarce.

Monica, there are no words to describe how much I love your daughter, and please believe me when I tell you that throughout the entire affair with Sabrina that never changed. The feelings I had for Sabrina were completely separate, as though they belonged to another existence, perhaps even to another man. They connected with a weakness inside me that I never knew was there until it was taking control. Whether that weakness, or the other man, still exist is difficult to say. I like to think not, but being in the profession I am I know how frail even the strongest character can be at times, and how capable we all are of doing things that in the normal course of events would be unthinkable, even abhorrent. I am relieved to say that my aberration didn’t drive me into the realms of serious crime, though I sometimes wish that there was a punishment to fit my actions that might eventually release me from my guilt and return real happiness and trust to Alicia’s heart.

I am sure that every day for the rest of my life I will ask myself how a man who had everything could have risked losing it all the way I did, and for so little. It’s not my intention to diminish Sabrina with that comment, I am only trying to illustrate how very important Alicia is to me, and how meaningless sex actually is when weighed against all the things that really matter in life. You will know that Sabrina is a good and admirable woman who, I am sad to say, also lost sight of what is right for a while. Because of the letters she still sends me and the messages she occasionally leaves on my phone, I know she continues to find it hard to accept the end of our liaison. I have tried speaking to her once or twice, but to no avail. She seems convinced that I only stayed with Alicia because of the children, and that as soon as Darcie leaves home we will be together. Should she ever repeat this to you, I want you to be very sure that it is not true. If I ever gave her cause to believe that I had plans to abandon my family, either now or at any time in the future, then it was entirely unintentional, because I have never even entertained the idea. I am truly sorry Sabrina is still suffering, and I accept full responsibility for the way my unguarded words and actions could have led her to hope for an outcome that was never going to be. I worry a lot about the threats she makes to end it all, but Alicia and the children are my first concern, and I would like to believe that Sabrina cares far too much for Robert and Annabelle to take such a drastic course of action.

For fear of this turning into one of the longest mea culpas in history, I will now turn away from myself to the two of the brightest stars in your sky, Nathan and Darcie. I know Alicia gives you regular updates on what they are doing and sends you copies of their school reports, so you will be aware of how fast and furiously they are growing up. Darcie is really starting to blossom now, looking more like her mother every day, and frequently behaving like mine! Between us, I adore the way she bosses me around, treating me as though I’m a bit of a delinquent, then comes to me with her woes, certain I’ll be able to make everything all right again. That’s what we expect of our parents, isn’t it? That they can make the world a safe place to be, and chase all the bad things away. It’s a hard, but salutary experience when our eyes are finally opened to the fact that they are human too. For the moment I believe I am still safe in my role as Darcie’s chief dragon-slayer, but as she herself informed me only yesterday, when I was telling her about my day in court, I mustn’t get too big for my boots. So she’s still a little madam who effervesces with so much life and affection that she makes it an absolute pleasure to come home every night. Oh, to see that same look of love and trust in Alicia’s eyes again, but I think we are making progress, and no matter how long it takes I’m determined to win it back one day.

I know, as soon as I mention Nat, that you’ll start to glow, much as Alicia does. I sometimes fear for how popular he’s going to be with the opposite sex and hope it doesn’t distract him too much from his goals, but at the same time it’s my belief that the love and respect he has for his mother will mean that he always treats a girl well. You’ll know from his reports how well he’s doing at school, both in sports and with his academic studies. He’s a lively and popular young lad, with a little too much to say for himself at times, but I probably would say that today after he bested me in a debate on the environment last night. Needless to say he’s a member of the debate team at school, and there’s a good chance all the victories will soon start going to his head. We’ll have to keep that in check, while allowing his confidence to grow.

I am so proud of him, Monica, that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. Gone are the days when I could sit him on my knee or envelop him in a giant bear hug, so I have to find other ways of showing how much I care. I hope I do that in the time I spend with him, either helping with his homework, discussing and advising on his choices, or simply hanging out as guys. He’s great company, always full of opinions, but witty and sharp in a way that can make Alicia and me laugh till we cry. How he enjoys those moments! I can see in his eyes how proud and happy he feels to have made an impression. It’s at times like these, when we’re together as a family, that I realise how much I could have lost, and how thankful I am that Alicia allowed me to stay.