L8r, G8r (29 page)

mad maddie:

man, angela's really shattered, isn't she?

zoegirl:

it kills me that she's going to end her senior year feeling like our archenemy stomped all over us. it's just wrong!

mad maddie:

so what are we gonna do about it?

zoegirl:

i don't know. i just don't know.

zoegirl:

what i *do* know is that it puts things in perspective. on friday night—when doug and i went to the hotel? there's a little more to the story than i told you guys, because of the angela stuff.

mad maddie:

that's funny—because there's more to my athens story too. but the timing wasn't right to tell it once angela shared her news.

mad maddie:

you wanna go first, or should i?

zoegirl:

i will, because i need to get it out. it's making me feel icky.

mad maddie:

???

mad maddie:

i thought you said the nite was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

zoegirl:

it was! but then … oh god.

mad maddie:

what?

zoegirl:

it was *so* wonderful that as i was lying there on doug's chest, i found myself thinking, “how am i going to live without him? seriously, how am i gonna survive next year when we're not together?” and then i had the thought that i'd rather die than be without him, which i know is ridiculous. but it wasn't like i CHOSE to think it. it just crept in!

mad maddie:

zoe, that IS ridiculous. completely and absolutely ridiculous.

zoegirl:

i know! but i was thinking that, and listening to doug's heart and feeling how warm he was, and the next thing i found myself wondering was, does he care as much as i do? what would he do if i actually did die?

zoegirl:

so i pretended i *was* dead. i stopped breathing and let my eyes go vacant and went limp in his arms, right there in the hotel bed.

mad maddie:

no

zoegirl:

yes

mad maddie:

yr more messed up than i realized, girl! i mean, i love ya, don't get me wrong … but sheesh!

zoegirl:

doug said, “zoe? zoe?!” he shook me by the shoulders, and i *kept* playing dead. in my head i was like, “why are you doing this?” but i did it anyway. doug's breathing got fast and he was like, “zoe, oh my god!”

zoegirl:

finally i came back alive and giggled. he was REALLY mad.

mad maddie:

you must have scared the piss out of him!

zoegirl:

i know—and i know that giggling was the wrong
move. i knew it even then. but what else could i do? pretend i'd had an epileptic fit?

mad maddie:

holy crap

mad maddie:

you do realize that you need to chill out on the whole doug front, right? yr not gonna die without him. you shouldn't WANT to die without him. good lord.

zoegirl:

duh, that's my whole point

zoegirl:

angela legitimately has something to be upset about. but me? i've got a boyfriend i love and who loves me. what do i have to complain about?

mad maddie:

nothing

zoegirl:

but sometimes i can't help it. i feel this huge gaping hole at the thought of not being with him. i don't want to, i just do.

mad maddie:

what did doug say, after he got over being scared?

zoegirl:

he made me promise not to ever do that again, and i said i was so so sorry. we hugged, and eventually things got good again. after that, we just didn't bring it up.

mad maddie:

you've gone over the deep end with this codependency shit.

zoegirl:

i know

mad maddie:

it's not the zoe i'm used to.

zoegirl:

i know

mad maddie:

so snap out of it, will ya?

zoegirl:

i'll try, i swear

zoegirl:

um, what about you and ian and your night in athens? what's *your* news?

mad maddie:

i don't know if i wanna tell you anymore, cuz if i do, it'll make it official that ian and i are a couple. and then I'LL lose my head and fall into couple-land and the next thing you know, I'LL be playing dead!

zoegirl:

don't be cruel

zoegirl:

you and ian are a couple????? does this mean …?

mad maddie:

this means that if you hush, i'll tell you. we drove to athens, right? and on the way we had a really fun convo, as we always do. i was bummed angela wasn't there, but not TOO bummed, if ya catch my drift. we took ian's car, and it was weird sitting there in the front seat and remembering all the times we'd fooled around on that very mock-leather upholstery.

zoegirl:

good weird?

mad maddie:

good weird. it was … relaxed. that was the best part. like, neither of us was trying to impress the other or prove anything. none of that 1st date shit. we just talked about music and movies and ian's recent trip to the dentist.

mad maddie:

he called his teeth his “pearly whites.” i love that.

zoegirl:

ian does have a great smile

mad maddie:

doesn't he?

mad maddie:

so then we got to the uptown lounge, and there was a huge crowd. i got out to put our name on the list while he parked, but ian, genius boy with his 4.0 average, has zero ability when it comes to a sense of direction.

zoegirl:

oh no. did he get lost?

mad maddie:

yes! he frickin got lost 2 blocks from the club! he texted me, cuz there was a super-loud frat party going on, and i was like, “ok, take a left on lumpkin!” then he'd text back and say, “i'm in front of a florist. is this right?” and i'd be, “nooo! your OTHER left, fool!”

mad maddie:

i'm standing in front of the restaurant, craning my head looking for him, and i get a text that says, “uh … should i be seeing fireworks?” so i type, “what?!
NO, you shouldn't be seeing fireworks! there r no fireworks anywhere NEAR here!” he texts, “you sure? turn around!”

zoegirl:

oh my gosh! omigosh omigosh omigosh!!!

mad maddie:

so i turned around, and there he was. and he kissed me.

zoegirl:

ohhhhhh!

zoegirl:

and were there fireworks?

mad maddie:

bright crazy sparkling fireworks, boom boom boom. and for the whole rest of the night we didn't let go of each other. we just kept grinning and kissing and laughing all goofily.

zoegirl:

aw, mads!!!

mad maddie:

but now comes the part of the story that reveals my own pathetic-ness.

zoegirl:

oh yeah? please tell—it'll make me feel better!

mad maddie:

i can't stop wondering if maybe, just MAYBE, i should go to georgia instead of santa cruz. assuming i get in, that is.

zoegirl:

omigosh. cuz of ian?

mad maddie:

AND angela. it's not just ian.

mad maddie:

i'm not gonna actually DO it, obviously.

zoegirl:

are you not excited about santa cruz anymore? santa cruz has been your dream forever!

mad maddie:

not forever, just since last summer. and yes, i'm still excited. i mean, when i think about living in california … and being near the ocean … and going to a super-liberal school …

zoegirl:

that all sounds perfect for you

mad maddie:

but then i also think about everything i'd be giving up.

mad maddie:

it's like, why do i wanna start over at someplace new when i've got so many great things going on here?

zoegirl:

that's true

zoegirl:

sometimes i think it's good that doug and i *didn't* apply to any of the same schools, because if we did, and we both got in, i'm not sure i'd be able to say no.

mad maddie:

grrrr. why do i have to think about having to say “goodbye” to ian when we just re-said “hello”?

zoegirl:

would you regret it, later in life? if you didn't go to santa cruz?

mad maddie:

yes. no. i dunno!

zoegirl:

oh, maddie, it's so hard!!!

zoegirl:

tomorrow's the day i can check on-line to see if i got into kenyon. after that—well, depending on the answer—i'll have to have the big discussion with my parents.

mad maddie:

i wish we all didn't have to be split apart. i know this is supposed to be a time filled with excitement—but sometimes it feels like a time of sadness instead.

zoegirl:

which makes me want to cry

mad maddie:

and add to that the angela suckiness …

zoegirl:

we're just a barrel of laughs, aren't we?

zoegirl:

but i am awfully glad about you and ian. that's awesome.

mad maddie:

thanx, zo. i'm glad, too.

mad maddie:

dude! i just checked my application status—i got into UGA!

zoegirl:

yikes! i mean, congrats congrats congrats! but … yikes! what does this mean?!!

mad maddie:

i called the moms. she's soooo much more excited than she was about santa cruz.

zoegirl:

did angela get in 2?

mad maddie:

she doesn't wanna check till she gets home, but i'm sure she did.

mad maddie:

what about kenyon?

zoegirl:

site is “experiencing delays,” so i have to wait. letters have been mailed out using snail mail, but … aaargh!

zoegirl:

hey girl. did you check your UGA status?

SnowAngel:

i got in. blah. who cares?

zoegirl:

angela! i care, and i know you do too. you can't let jana and logan take that away.

SnowAngel:

whoop-di-do! *makes expressionless face while dixieland band marches thru bedroom*

SnowAngel:

wanna know what i did after i found out? i took a bath, cuz that's how exciting my life is. and cuz i feel so SORDID knowing that jana and i are grotesquely connected by logan's spit.

zoegirl:

angela …

SnowAngel:

his tongue touched my tongue, and that same tongue has now touched HER tongue. i dated a jana-licker! i can't stop thinking about it!

zoegirl:

but logan is nothing to you, remember?

SnowAngel:

what do you mean, logan is nothing to me?! i might have broken up with him, but he's still someone i care about. or DID.

zoegirl:

i didn't mean “nothing” like that. i'm sorry.

SnowAngel:

but now jana has tainted everything. in the future when i think back on logan, SHE'S what i'll remember. and when i think back on senior year, SHE'S what i'll remember!

zoegirl:

i'm so sorry!

SnowAngel:

in the bath, when i was trying to cleanse myself of her evil spirit, i looked thru the water at my body,
and it's like i was this pasty disconnected FLESH thing. especially my fingers, which were floating there looking flat and weird.

SnowAngel:

i thought to myself, “i am a piece of fruit, suspended in Jell-O.” that is what my life has come to.

zoegirl:

uh … ok. well, let's think about the positives: fruit is good. Jell-O is good.

SnowAngel:

oh WHATEVER. i'm gonna go eat all of aunt sadie's chocolate truffles and get fat. bye!