In Her Eyes (16 page)

A car behind them honked and they both looked around. She was still parked illegally, blocking one side of the road. “Or not,” he laughed.

She put the car in drive and looped around the complex and back out of the parking lot. They drove down fraternity row, which was surprisingly quiet, even for a Sunday. And then turned on Museum Road which took them past Lake Alice and the wedding chapel. Across the lake and in the distance Casey could see the blue lights from the helipad on top of the Children’s Hospital, and that gave her an idea. “What’s your favorite fast food?”

“Fast food? I think it’s illegal or something for doctors to eat fast food,” he joked.

Casey looked over at Ben, still waiting for an answer.

“You’re serious?” he asked.” Okay, well if you must know. Zaxby’s. Fried chicken fingers, crinkle fries, Texas toast, and honey mustard drizzled over it all.”

Casey could picture the sign above Zaxby’s with bright neon lights and a giant rooster. Maybe it was the words honey mustard and drizzle, or just the fact that she hadn’t eaten since before noon, but it sounded amazing.

They pulled into the drive-in a few minutes later and Casey scanned the starlit menu. The salad looked amazing. Actually pretty much every image of food looked amazing, but Casey opted to get the exact same thing as Ben.

When they pulled out of Zaxby’s, Casey turned left onto Archer back the same way they came until she pulled into a turn lane just past Shands Hospital.

When the light turned green, Casey made a left in front of the hospital, then a right into a large parking garage across the street.

“I saw this movie once where this girl took her boyfriend to an abandoned parking garage, and then chopped him up into little pieces…”

Casey drove up several ramps until she reached the top floor of the garage and then parked on the far end. She opened the sunroof and turned the car off. When she looked up, it felt as though there wasn’t a single cloud for miles. Thousands of bright white lights stared back at her.

“Wow,” Ben said.

“I come up here sometimes on break when I work the night shift. Sometimes it’s just a dark black sky, but tonight it really is amazing.”

For the next ten minutes they both sat there and ate. Casey asked Ben about what it’s like to travel to meets and to race in different places all over the U.S.

Ben dipped his Texas toast into some honey mustard and took a bite. “I don’t know. I mean we’re mostly just in the southeast. Kentucky, Arkansas, Virginia, North Carolina, Louisiana. We got to go to Philadelphia for the Penn Relays, which was kind of neat, and out to California for the Trojan Invitational. But the SEC Championships are back in Alabama in a few weeks. But,” he paused and looked over at her. “The one place I do want to see is Hayward Field.”

“Where’s that?”

“University of Oregon. Home of Nike and Steve Prefontaine.”

Casey finished her last chicken tender and Ben tossed her plate in the bag that was now just trash. “Do you ever get tired of it?” she said.

“Tired of all the travel?”

“No, I mean, tired of running.”

“Right now I don’t know what I would do without running,” Ben said.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I mean, not nothing, but…”

“But what?”

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Will you try?”

“Well. Let me ask you a question.”

“Okay.”

“You know when you have a feeling or memory that you don’t want to fade away, but you don’t’ know how to keep it?”

“Of course,” Casey said.

“That feeling comes back when I run, if only for 13 minutes.”

Ben didn’t say anything for a minute and they both sat there just staring back up at the stars. Casey couldn’t help but wonder if the memory he was talking about was of his daughter. She turned on her side, her elbow resting against the seat back, and looked over at Ben. “You remember that night when you told me what you were thinking?”

“You mean the night you first kissed me?”

“You kissed me!”

Ben laughed. “Yes, I remember that night. Why?”

Casey reached over with her left hand and placed it on top of his. “Will you tell me what you’re thinking again?”

“I don’t know. That was kind of a one-time-only thing.”

“What happened to I can ask you anything?”

“You can, but,” he said. “You’ve got to have the password.”

Casey raised her eyebrows and moved as close as she could until her body pushed up against the center console. She bit her bottom lip, and then leaned in and kissed him. She let her lips linger softly on his for a moment and then pulled away. “Was that the right password?”

Ben’s right hand moved out from under hers and found the soft cloth of her light blue scrubs pressed tightly against her leg. “That was definitely the first part.” He squeezed her leg gently.

Casey slid over the console until she was straddling Ben. Looking down at him she saw a flicker of surprise in his eyes, and to be honest, she was a little surprised too. “How about now?” she said.

“You’re getting closer.”

She lowered her weight from her knees onto his lap. She moved one hand to his shoulder while the other slowly glided up and down his arm as she leaned over just inches from his face. “Close enough?”

His hands started to slide up her legs towards her waist, but she stopped him. She sat up enough to grab his wrists and folded his hands against his chest. Then she repeated, “What are you thinking?”

“What
am
I thinking, or what
was
I thinking?”

She smiled. “Both.”

Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I was thinking about giving up…”

Casey’s hands wrapped tighter around Ben’s wrists as she pushed them into this chest. “You can’t give up!”

“Let me finish,” he said. “I was thinking about if I have ever given up. Not just as a runner, but as a person. And I was thinking those might now be one and the same thing.”

“What else?”

Ben laughed. “If Little Miss Impatient would stop interrupting, then I might be able to finish.”

Sorry,
she mouthed with a little bit of sass.

“I was also thinking about how I could eat Zaxby’s literally every day. And how I don’t like shoelaces, especially long ones that you can step on. And wondering what fresh air smells like and if I’ve ever smelled it. And whether or not it’s sad that we never truly see the stars, only the light they shined years and years ago, and how similar our lives can sometimes be.”

Casey started to say something, but Ben went on. “That’s what I
was
thinking. But now I’m only thinking about you.” He removed her hands from his wrists and wrapped them just above her elbows and pulled her closer.

Her hands pressed against his chest and she could feel her heart beating faster.

He moved his hands lightly over her arms, to her shoulders and down her back giving her goosebumps. “I’m thinking about the subtle curves of your body from your legs all the way up to your lips.” She tried to stop from shaking, but she couldn’t as he pressed into the small of her back and ran his fingers up towards her shoulders again.

He slid his hands back down to her waist and wrapped them around her until his thumbs were just subtly pressing into the top of her thigh. “I’m thinking about how I love the way you walk.”

“I walk funny,” Casey said, half smiling and half biting her bottom lip.

Ben moved his hands off her waist and over the top of her hands that were still pressing into his chest. “I’m thinking about how you seem happy and kind every time I’m with you, and how that makes me just want to never be apart. But mostly, I’m thinking about how perfectly you fit in my arms.”

Casey leaned towards Ben and kissed him, then curled her head just below his neck and collapsed. His arms wrapped around her and she felt so emotionally drained. A single tear formed and she quickly wiped it away, hiding it from him.

"What was she like?" Casey said quietly.

"Who?" Ben said.

"Your wife."

Ben took a deep breath, Casey’s head moving with the rise and fall of his chest. As much as he had been trying to avoid it, he knew a question like this would eventually come. “She was…strong,” he said.

He hesitated and Casey wanted to ask him how, but then he went on.

“When she got pregnant people blamed her. I had all these running scholarships, and they didn’t understand when I gave it all up. So, they blamed her for it. My friends, her friends. Her family. No one wanted us to keep the baby. And when we got married, it got even worse.

“She was so steadfast through it all. And it made me love her even more. Contrary to what everyone thought we didn’t get married because of Grace. We got married because we were in love. It was a young love, maybe even a foolish love, but it was a pure love.

“That didn’t make it any easier though. She used to always say, ‘It’s going to be hard, but not impossible.’

Ben breathed in through his nose and his voice was shaky. “She was always strong.”

40

Handcuffs

April 26, 2015

Emma came running out of her room as soon as Casey and Ben stepped through the front door, still holding hands. “Mommy, Mommy.”

“Yessy, yessy. Hmph, wow you are getting big,” Casey said as she lifted Emma up and perched her against her right hip.

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“You’re supposed to guess.”

Casey looked back at Ben who was laughing quietly. “Okay, ummm, you grew a pair of wings and learned to fly.”

“No, only birds can fly. Aunt Nikki taught me how to braid my hair, look.” Emma pulled a thin braid that was tucked behind her right ear.

“Wow that is very pretty. Now go tell Aunt Nikki goodnight because she needs to get home to go to bed.”

Nikki bent down to hug Emma. “Goodnight, Aunt Nikki.”

“Goodnight sweetheart,” Nikki said.

“Alright, now go get in bed and I’ll be in in a minute to tuck you in.”

“Can Mr. Ben tuck me in tonight?”

Both Nikki and Casey turned to look at Ben. In Casey’s mind the entire world had stopped spinning, but before she could even say anything, Ben held out his hand towards Emma. “I would love to, but you have to lead the way or I might get lost.”

Casey looked over to see if he was really okay with this, but Ben never looked up.

Instead Emma wrapped her tiny hands around two of Ben’s fingers and started pulling him down the hall towards her room. “It’s really not that hard to remember,” Casey heard Emma say. “My room is the first door on the right, just past the kitchen. Plus my name is even on the door…” Their voices faded as they turned down the hall.

Casey stared silently towards the hallway.

“Are you okay?” Nikki asked. 

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want—”

Casey interrupted her. “Am I a bad mom?”

“Casey. No. You’re an incredible mom. Why would you even say that?”

Casey leaned back against the front door. “I just don’t know what I’m even doing. I’ve been hanging out with Ben so much…and you’ve been watching Emma…”

“You know I never mind watching Emma. Of course, it would be nice if I could say no because I had a guy bringing
me
flowers and taking
me
to dinner, but I don’t.”

“It all feels like it’s happening so fast.”

Nikki laughed.

“How is this funny? I’m freaking out.”

Nikki put her hands on Casey’s shoulders. “Okay, I really need to put some things into perspective for you. You’ve been dating an incredibly attractive star athlete at a major university for almost a month. He probably has girls falling all over him and he is here choosing to be with you
.
”

“Those girls don’t have daughters, though,” Casey said.

“That’s the point. He could be out there with some cute little blonde with absolutely no strings attached. Instead, he just walked your little girl down the hall to tuck her in. So, just calm down, and enjoy the rest of your night with him. Can you do that?”

Casey was lost in thought.

Nikki snapped her fingers several times. “Hello? Earth to Casey.”

“Yes, yes. I can do that.”

“Okay, then go back there and tuck in your daughter with your amazing guy.”

Casey took a deep breath and smiled. “Okay, I can do that.”

“And later if he goes all Fifty Shades of Grey on you, I want all the details.”

Casey’s face went flush, as she thought back to last Wednesday night. “Do you think he’s going to try something tonight?” she asked, unsure if she was nervous or excited.

Nikki laughed. “Oh my gosh girl. It was a joke. Just breathe. And call me later. And remember…you don’t want the handcuffs too tight.”

“I hate you,” Casey said, smiling, just before she shut the door in Nikki’s face.

Casey tiptoed down the hallway and stopped just short of Emma’s door. It was wide open and the lamp light from her nightstand poured out into the hallway. Emma’s bed sat just below the window on the wall opposite where Casey was, but she could still make out their voices clearly.

* * *

“She does?” Ben said. “Well, I don’t think you want to hear me sing, but…how about a story?”

Emma thought about it for a moment. “Okay.”

“Okay, but first you have to get really comfortable.”

Emma adjusted her pillow underneath her, and wrapped her arms tight around Tinker, her stuffed owl.

“Are you really comfortable now?” Ben asked.

“Mm-hhm.”

“Are you really, really comfortable?”

Emma giggled. “Yes.”

“Okay, good. Now, this is one of my favorite stories of all times. But I don’t want you to just listen to it, I want you to picture it in your head. So, close your eyes and picture the biggest and coolest race track you’ve ever seen.”

Emma squeezed her eyes shut.

“Can you see it?”

She nodded as she yawned.

“Okay. Once upon a time there was a little boy named Charlie. And Charlie was the fastest boy in the whole world. But one day Charlie was playing with his friends and…he fell down and broke his leg.