I am America (and so can you!) (87 page)

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

If I came across a tortoise lying on its back in the desert, I would:
a. Flip it over and carry it to safety

b. Hit it with a hockey stick and see how far it slides

c. Spin it in place and see how long it spins

d. Deny that I am an android

My high school yearbook voted me Most ____:

a. Single

b. Likely to Snap

c. Teachers Dated

d. Uncategorizable

When I·m really feeling blue, I:

a.Write poetry

b. Take a walk in the park

c. Drag TV under the covers and watch DVDs in my bed fort

d. Make everyone within reach as miserable as me

From the list of life skills below, choose the three things that you do best:
Negotiating business transactions

Missionary work

Raising/Caring for Children

Suppressing votes

Pleasuring my partner

Gospel puppetry

Remaining “Chertoff-like”

Communicating my thoughts and feelings

during a crisis

(about immigrants)

Scrapbooking

Making the trains run on time

Blocking abortion clinics

Being a good friend/ narc

Car Maintenance and Repair

Community Service—voluntary

Union busting

Community service—court ordered

Shopping

I am double-jointed

Home Shopping

Questionnaire-filling

Anything else you·d like to add?

a. No

b. Yes, but you·ve given me no space to do so

Key:

0-25 points – Passionate

25-73 points – Red Hot Lover

74-85 points – Cold Fish

86-100 points – Human Piñata

THE LOVE OF LAST RESORT

Of course, while you’re beating the bushes for a mate, the answer might be to just shake the family tree. An attractive cousin might fall out.8

Now, Nation, I have always been pro-cousin marriage. It is a great way to keep the bloodline pure. My own family tree is not so much a tree as it is a circle. Kind of looks like a tree eating itself.

And there’s nothing wrong with it.

Don’t believe me?
Let’s ask God. He’s got some hard and fast rules in this area.

Let’s see…Leviticus Chapter 18 Verse 12 –
“Thou shalt not uncover the naked-
ness of thy father’s sister”
…blah blah blah
“thy mother’s sister”
…yeech…
“of
thy father’s brother”
…man there were some sick Levites…
”of thy daughter-in-
law”
…fair enough…
“of thy brother’s wife.”
Nope! Nothing about cousins. This is great news, because dating your cousin is only a few nucleotides away from dating yourself. And I don’t know about you, but I rarely get through the morning shave without wanting to ask myself out. Will I say yes? Who knows?

I’ve yet to get up the courage.

YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE
—but you can certainly take the shortcut. Instead of paging through Match.com, try flipping through the family photo album.

Did you know that the U.S. is the only Western country with cousin-marriage restrictions? Hey Congress, stay out of our bedrooms! Unless, of course, those
Gay cousins?