I am America (and so can you!) (85 page)

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Authors: Stephen Colbert,Rich Dahm,Paul Dinello,Allison Silverman

Tags: #United States, #Political culture, #Humor, #Form, #Political, #Television comedies, #General, #Topic, #Television personalities, #Colbert Report (Television program), #Social values, #Political satire; American, #Essays, #American wit and humor

BOOK: I am America (and so can you!)
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S E X A N D D A T I N G

Looks are…

a. important to me

b. very important to me

c. just plain empirically important

d. not important to me (blind from birth.)

I tend to think…

a. outside the box

b. inside the box

c. directly on the box

d. near a box

I tend to see the glass as…

a. half empty

b. half full

c. a handy weapon in a bar fight

My goals in the bedroom:

a. Be fruitful

b. Multiply

If I assassinated any president, it would have been…

a. McKinley

b. Garfield

c. Lincoln

d. Martin Sheen

How satisfied am I with my looks?

a. Very

b. Smugly

What would I do for love?

a. Anything

b. Not that

If I were a character in an A

·

yn Rand novel, I d be…

a. Howard Roark

b. Ellsworth Tooey

c. The guy from

d. A total jerk

Anthem

If I were a member of the Supreme Court, and a tree, and a dessert topping, I·d be...
a. Samuel Alito / Oak / Hot Fudge

b. John Roberts /Ash / Butterscotch

c. Steven Breyer / Pine / Chocolate Jimmies

d. Clarence Thomas / Sycamore / Antonin Scalia

Mouth capacity:

a. Five eggs

b. Twelve marshmallows

c. Ten ping-pong balls

d. Fist

e. 16 fl. oz. (jaw wired shut)

99

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