I am America (and so can you!) (48 page)
Read I am America (and so can you!) Online
Authors: Stephen Colbert,Rich Dahm,Paul Dinello,Allison Silverman
Tags: #United States, #Political culture, #Humor, #Form, #Political, #Television comedies, #General, #Topic, #Television personalities, #Colbert Report (Television program), #Social values, #Political satire; American, #Essays, #American wit and humor
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )
ALSO:
another great aspect of sports is the chance to share experience with the common man. To see the roar of the crowd from your soundproof skybox, tossing down the vintage port and veal medallions, then rubbing elbows at
Shaq, I must get
the post-game locker room party with all your favorite athletes—it’s a classic
that recipe for
Key Lime Pie!
American experience.
Speaking of stadiums, I’ve followed the lead of the team owners and sold the naming rights of this chapter to the highest bidder. So from here on out, this chapter will be known as the...
C H E V R O N :
“The Gas with Techron”
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So whether I like it or not, sports are here to stay. And if they’re going to exist, I should give them a chapter. Like I always say: if you’re not going to listen to me and not do something anyway, at least listen to me and do it right. WAKE UP CALL: Sorry there, handball, but you’re just tennis for poor people.
HISTORY LESSON
Modern “sports” as we know them originated in ancient Rome,1 when civic officials realized that it would be much easier to get contestants for their gladiator contests if the loser was not killed. Once everyone realized that a live loser could be humiliated for much longer than a dead one, the idea caught on. Back then, a sport was only what could be achieved with the human body—
how fast can you run, how far can you throw, how big a thing can you lift, or push, or kill. But the ideal of sports as an exhibition of human accomplishment ended in 1893 when they started using football helmets. In my book, drawing the impact away from your skull defeats the entire purpose of hitting some
It’s concussion,
thing with your head.
not con-cushion.
Toughen up!
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1
Some Ivy Leaguers claim that sports, in fact, originated in Ancient Greece. But athletes back then were nude
men covered in oil, which means that the Ancient Greek sports were pretty gay, and therefore, not sports “as
we know them.” There are no gays in modern sports, with the one exception being all of women’s sports.
