I am America (and so can you!) (45 page)

Actually the rice cakes

aren’t bad either.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

(Mormonism)

To their credit, Mormonism’s founders did something that other

self-proclaimed prophets throughout history never thought of: They lived in America. I’ll admit it even makes me a bit uncomfortable to think that my doctrine was established somewhere as unseemly as the Middle East.

The Church was founded after prophet Joseph Smith left a lucrative career divining for treasure to find the golden plates containing the Book of Mormon, which describes a visit by Jesus to America after He left Jerusalem. Evidently He was ascending to Heaven, got just above the clouds, and took a hard left.

On the plus side, any guy who’s ever agonized over “boxers or briefs”

before a hot date should consider Mormonism.10 They have special underwear, so that decision is made for you. Plus, pre-marital sex is prohibited. Casual sex is really not a problem at all to these guys, even after you’re married. The Church wants you to have 11 kids, so sex is never going to be casual. It is going to be
work
. And I’ll give the Mormons this: They know which way the wind

blows. When America decided that polygamy wasn’t the way to go, the Mormons changed their ways and banned it. They had similar

changes in policy when public opinion turned against the traditions 9
Any religion that calls itself “Friends” comes across as a little desperate.
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10
I recommend a thong. Nothing turns the ladies off more than a visible jockey-line.
I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

of massacring pioneers and believing that all Black people are evil. Pretty much whenever the general populace decides that Mormons

are a sinful crazy cult, their leader receives a message straight from God that makes everything OK. This practice continues to this

day; you can see it in the way that Mitt Romney was pro-choice

when he was running for governor of Massachusetts, but was

divinely inspired to become pro-life when he was running for the Republican nomination for president.

On the minus side, you could be ex-communicated by Donny

Osmond.

Judaism

Now, I have nothing but respect for the Jewish people. Since the Bible is 100% the true Word of God, and the Jews believe in the Old Testament,11 that means Judaism is 50% right.

My biggest problem with Judaism is its tradition of literary criticism. Its highest ideal is to sit around studying day and night. I can’t trust any religion with that kind of book-fetish. As much as I love the Bible, even I can only read so much in one bathroom sitting. Let alone the Talmud. Seriously, Rashi, every tractate
Commenting in the

needs a commentary? It wouldn’t hurt to take a seltzer break once in a while.
margins of books is

stupid.

Also, there’s this whole notion of “Jewish Guilt.” Hmm, sounds familiar. Maybe because it was originally called “Catholic Guilt”! Quit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion, Jews. If your mother knew about this blatant theft, it would kill her—
kill
her.

They don’t even need the guilt. They’ve got plenty of other ways to make themselves miserable. Just look at their holidays. The most important one involves spending a day not eating and thinking about all the bad things they’ve done. You get the day off from work, and you spend it moping. Count me out!

Look, guys, you need to lighten up. I’ve been to Jewish weddings—I know you can cut loose when you want to. That thing with the chair is crazy. Let’s bring around a little more of that.

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11
Which the Jews call
Matzo
.

Also, if you could concentrate on rebuilding that Temple and bringing forth our Armageddon/Second Coming, we’d really appreciate it.

The Rapture is the

only way you’re

getting rid of us.

With their common devotion to the Word of God as revealed in the Old and New Testaments, the Christians and the Jews share a common heritage.12

Together these Testaments are known as:

THE BIBLE

It’s a big book with big words like Abednego. It’s also often misinterpreted. Here’s all you need to know.

THE OLD TESTAMENT

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.

Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping
Batman & Robin
just because the story starts over in
Batman Begins.
13 The important thing to realize is that both the old and the new stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the world of evildoers, only in the new one The Batman can eat pork.
Bat-chops!

But in case you don’t have time to consult the Old Testament, I’ve taken the liberty of summing up the highlights below. This isn’t supposed to be a replacement for the Old Testament, but if you want to save some shelf-space by tearing it out of the Bible and replacing it with this book, I’m sure God will understand.

THE CONCENTRATED OLD TESTAMENT
14

Fine with God.

Creation:
“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”

Adam and Eve/ The Fall of Man:
Mankind is inherently sinful. Also inherently trusting of women and snakes. Fight these instincts!

12
Except for the Jews.

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13
Starring
Christ
ian Bale, directed by
Christ
opher Nolan. Coincidence?

14
Just add Jesus.

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Cain and Abel:
Are you your brother’s keeper? Yes, but that doesn’t mean he can live in your guest room forever. Get a job, Allen!

Noah and the Flood:
All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don’t want to know what causes dew.

Dew-ing it

Sodom and Gomorrah:
If you wonder what God thinks about sodomy, just ask a Sodomite. Oh, that’s right—you can’t, because God destroyed them all with fire and brimstone.

The 10 Commandments:
Moses’ greatest achievement, though that beard was a close second.

David and Goliath:
Size doesn’t matter, but temperature does. Come on, put on some pants!

King David and his

Book of Job:
Bad things happen to good people. Suck it up.

“slingshot”

Jonah swallowed by a whale:
If you don’t run away from your responsibilities and you never tell a lie, one day you’ll become a real boy.
Samson and Delilah:
Don’t let your girlfriend cut your hair!

THE NEW TESTAMENT

Spoiler Alert!
Jesus is the salvation of all mankind.

OTHER HEATHENS

Shinto

Shinto is a Japanese religion based on the worship of
kami
, or spirits, which inhabit everything. So any object or concept you want to pray to, you can. Sometimes the kami are even stacked up double: For example, each tree has a kami in it, but then there’s another kami for all trees. So, first strike against this bull-Shint? It’s inefficient.
Provided none are

I could probably run that religion with half its current spirit workforce. And
illegal immigrant

spirits

those savings would get passed directly to the believer.

Plus, a whole bunch of magical beings based in different parts of nature? That’s not a religion, that’s Pokemon. Which shows how Shinto hooks you—once you’ve prayed to a few spirits, you’ve “gotta catch ’em all!”

58

Hinduism

I’m torn on Hinduism. On the one hand, they believe in karma

and reincarnation, where good things happen to people who do

good deeds and bad things happen to people who do bad deeds.

Then after you die, they take a look at your karma account and

you come back as something better or worse, depending on how

you did. I like this philosophy, because it means if you’re good enough in this life, you can be reincarnated as a Catholic. And if this stuff is true, I was one amazing Hindu in my last life. And given the amount of good I’m doing now, it’s
A god, or whatever
Next Stop: Nirvanaville for me.

Also, Hindu gods make fantastic stuffed animals. They’ve got us there. When it comes to merchandising, the Catholic Church doesn’t have anything to compete with a blue elephant head.15

But there’s plenty to be worried about. First off, they got us in the numbers game. There are how many people in India who worship how many gods with how many arms? Multiply all that together, and the results are truly terrifying.
Worst beanie

What worries me more is their injunction against beef. There’s nothing more
baby ever.

mouth-watering than a strong, healthy bovine in the artificial-hormone-induced prime of life. So what if it could be my great-grandfather reincarnated? I’d be honored to pass through the colon of my descendants. Give me a break.
Buddhism

Another go-figure religion. “Hey, why don’t we all put on robes and sit in a rock garden and just, like, be
aware
?” Exactly. That’s the easiest rhetorical question I’ve ever asked. Buddhism instructs its followers to forsake attachment to material things.
Hey, Buddhists—

this book is a thing.

Go for it, guys. That’s just more material things for those of us who have enough sense to glorify our Lord with speedboats.

And frankly, I’m offended by this idea of the so-called “middle way,” the Buddhist doctrine of avoiding extremes. What’s the point of religion without
Buddhists hate
Mountain Dew!

extremes? You’re either a believer who’s guaranteed a seat at God’s right hand in the Kingdom of Heaven or an infidel condemned to boil eternally in a lake of searing excrement. We’re at Holy War; pick a side, tubby.