I am America (and so can you!) (22 page)

Because from the time you’re a little kid, the media are feeding you lies to put the power structure out of whack. So before you become a pet owner, there are a few things you need to understand in order to put the power structure in of whack.

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A LIE

Some would have our children believe that animals are cute and cuddly. It starts the day we bring baby Kyle or Kallie or Kayla or Kaitlyn or Kelsie home from
Kieran , Kylie,
Kristal, Kinsley,

the hospital to a room wallpapered in adorable little yellow ducks. Why aren’t
Kira, Kstephen
these ducks being pursued by adorable little yellow hunters? I don’t know, but I’m willing to bet that it has something to do with the Far Left media’s control of the wallpaper industry. (Yes, I consider the wallpaper industry part of the media. It has the word “paper” in it.)

I’m on to you,

toilet paper.

What’s the very first book most children own? A bit of blatant propaganda called
Pat the Bunny.

Feel how smooth

this page is.

Better Option: Paté the Bunny!

33

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Pat the Bunny
isn’t

I’m not saying
Pat the Bunny
isn’t a good book. There’s that soft patch of
a good book

fur on page one for you to pat. And then there’s the smooth part and the scratchy part and don’t get me started on the mirror! There is so much to do, and you don’t even need to know how to read. That’s the perfect book. But a pro-bunny manifesto with that kind of sensory stimulation? What chance do our children have?

All Dogs Go to Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

HICKORY DICKORY SHOCK!

Then there are the nursery rhymes. What’s a cuter image than three little kittens that have lost their mittens? Well, brace yourself: Kittens don’t wear mittens.
You may now

I’m going to let that sink in. And why don’t they wear mittens? Because they’d
unbrace.

just get caught on their razor-sharp claws.

Personally I prefer the Three Blind Mice, because 1) they’re already handicapped when the song starts—as a result, no doubt, of some anti-human scheme that blew up in their faces, and 2) they’re further maimed in the course
Stay strong,

of the rhyme.

Farmer’s Wife!

The list is endless. The cartoon characters: dogs, cats, rabbits, ducks, horses, squirrels, gorillas, all of them talking, all of them so
very human
. Of course, the most famous offender is
Bambi
, which, for reasons that escape me, portrays the death of a deer
negatively
. You can bet you’ll never see an animated classic about what Bambi’s mom devoured for her last meal—my defenseless oakleaf hydrangea!

“Cowtow”!

My point is this: if America is ever to stop cowtowing to the animal-petters,
It’s right there in the

name!

we have to get to our youth before they do. Children have to learn that these animals aren’t our buddies. Sometimes it’s a tough lesson.

BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?

When I was a kid, I had a dog named Shasta. We were inseparable. We’d play in the backyard, maybe chase a ball, or just go splashin’ around the ol’ creek. Shasta was my best friend.

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Then after fourteen happy years together, I came home from school one day and Shasta didn’t greet me at the door. My mom and dad sat me down and told me the terrible news: Shasta had gone to live on a big beautiful farm upstate.
Yet another reason not to
give to Farm Aid

I couldn’t believe it. I never felt so betrayed in my life. I thought Shasta and I were a team. But as soon as some smooth-talking stranger came along with the promise of a bigger field, she was gone. And that’s how it is with animals. Always looking for a better offer.

Sorry I wasn’t a
farmer
, Shasta. The suburb had zoning laws—we couldn’t grow crops in the yard. How
could
you?

I pressed my parents for answers, but my mom wouldn’t stop crying, and my Dad just kept saying that she was chasing rabbits. Chasing rabbits? I guess
I wonder whose face she
was thinking of when she

Shasta was lying to me about that degenerative hip disease, too.
was licking mine?

So wake up, America.

No more catnaps.

From now on: mannaps.

Pets. Don’t. Care. About. You. They’re just using you for food, and for the social networking you provide when you walk them.

But the joke’s on you, Shasta. If you’re reading this (or having your farmer friend read it to you), you should know that I have a new dog, Gipper. And Gipper is twice the dog you’ll ever be. His coat is way shinier than yours, and he doesn’t chew up my comic books. And he hates farms. Gipper will never betray me, and he’s never going to leave me. He’s been right by my side for the last fifteen years, and he’ll be there for the next fifty.

So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they?

The answer can be summed up between two buns.

35

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

THE FACTORY FARM: AMERICA’S MOST SUCCULENT INDUSTRY

Nation, have you ever wondered how a cow becomes a hamburger? Me neither. I just assumed God did it. But it turns out that food production is actually part of something called Agribusiness. It’s this industry that turns cows into steaks,

“Everything else”

pigs into bacon and everything else into gelatin.

includes, someday,

Bill Cosby. (Should

have read the fine

print.)

THE MIRACLE OF MEAT

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THE U.S.D.A. AND Y.O.U.

Agribusiness in the United States is overseen by the United
Just one “n” away
from Angry-Business!

States Department of Agriculture. Translation: just more Big

Government interference. Hey, if I want to buy meat out of the

trunk of some guy’s car, that’s my business. My
Agribusiness.
Here’s my second problem. The food pyramid. There is no greater friend of the State of Israel than Yours Truly, and I for one believe it is criminal that the USDA would use an army of Jewish slaves to build these monuments just so school kids can be force-fed the Whole Grain Agenda.

HEY PHAROAH TUTEN-RAMEN-NOODLE!

LET MY PEOPLE GO-GURT!

37

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

WHO CARES?

Upton Sinclair wrote a pro-labor book about the Chicago stockyards called
The Jungle
that pointed out minor flaws in the meat industry, such as the frequency of severed limbs. Big deal. I knew an accountant who got his arm
He kept the arm

chopped off in a filing cabinet. But you’ll never hear about that in a book.
and claimed it as a

dependent.

Truth is, Upton Sinclair was a Socialist, which means what he really wanted was for cattle to control the distribution of wealth. One guess who
they’d
give it to.

THE TRUTH: IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER.

Now some people complain that the factory scale of Agribusiness means cruelty to animals, environmental destruction, and meat loaded with chemicals and hormones. But they’re not awarding any points for the fact that on the factory farm, a cow can go from mooing to stewing in under ninety seconds.

READY, PET, GO!

Okay. Now that I’ve pulled the wool off your eyes about animals, you’re ready to get one and establish the proper dominant relationship.

It’s important to select the right animal. Different lifestyles call for different pets to master. If you’re away from your home a lot, you may want to boss around a cat. If you don’t like to exercise, consider lording over an iguana or perhaps a weak-willed parakeet. But if you do have the time to dedicate, there
If you want to be a

is no beast more satisfying to dominate than the dog.

real asshole, get a

ferret.

Once you’ve selected a pet and named it, it’s time to bend the animal to your will. I’ve done this with my dog Gipper by teaching him a few authoritative commands, such as SIT. When I order Gipper to sit, I’m letting him know that I am his superior. Of course, Gipper has a bad back, so after I ask him to sit, I massage his hindquarters while I ease him onto a pillow.

What’s on Top of a House?
It’s “roof.” Not “ruff.”

Make sure your dog says “roof.”

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Just like with humans, dogs determine what type of person you are by the firmness of your handshake. If you have a strong grip, they’ll respect you. If
For Masonic dogs, try
clutching the elbow.

you have a weak grip, they’ll turn your neck into a chew toy. So be sure to give your dog’s paw a hearty squeeze and NEVER break eye contact. Of course, my dog Gipper doesn’t like to be touched, so when I ask him to shake, I bow to him Japanese-style while averting my gaze.

THE DE-BALLIFICATION OF THE AMERICAN PETSCAPE

Anyone who has ever spent $5 to purchase a newborn dachshund out of a card-
Don’t let someone
else’s pets read this

board box in a supermarket parking lot knows the joy of a litter of puppies.
book. Have your
animal mark its

Without them the desk calendars of our nation’s secretaries would be blank.
territory:

But there is a movement afoot in this country, spearheaded by certain octogenarian game show hosts, to spay and neuter our pets, ostensibly to control
HERE

their population. Instead of letting animals be animals these people choose to

“Cut and Run.”2

At its very core, this scissor-happy movement is an affront to virility and is brazenly anti-ball. Think of the agony you put your neutered dog through when, during a simple game of fetch, you ask him to chase down and retrieve a symbol of his lost manhood. The Anti-Cruelty Society is performing these procedures! 3 And they say irony is dead!

Apparently it’s just

playing, ‘possum

Worst of all, neutering is birth control, plain and simple. Instead of the wholesale de-sacking of these creatures, we should be promoting abstinence education for our pets. They will get the same satisfaction teenagers do from
Not
animal
gay

marriages!

remaining chaste until they are married. And yes, I am once again advocating animal marriages.

2
A major weapon in the War on Testicles is language. What do we call the offspring of our cats and dogs?

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Not a “Bounty” or a “Blessing” but a “Litter”!

3
One minute they’re telling you how important it is to save some endangered species no one has ever heard
of, the next they’re begging you to neuter your pets. Which is it, more animals or less? You can’t have your
Spotted Owl
4
and eat it too.

4
For the record, delicious.