I am America (and so can you!) (21 page)

FUN

HELP THE OLD MAN FIND HAPPINESS

fig 5.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 3

“I’m a monkey!”

–Mick Jagger, lead singer of The Monkees

ARE IN CHARGE OF THIS PLANET,

AND IT’S A PRECARIOUS POSITION.

HUMANS
THERE ARE SIX BILLION OF US, BUT

IF MY PEST CONTROL BILL IS ANY

INDICATION, THERE’S AT LEAST THAT MANY SQUIRRELS

IN MY ATTIC. I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE

POISON I CAN SQUIRT UP THERE. I’M GETTING WOOZY.

It’s clear that when we’re this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That’s why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?

“Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living
YAHWEH

October 23, 4004 B.C.

creature that moves on the ground.” I’d say that about covers it. Because if we didn’t dominate the animals, you better believe they’d be dominating us. And that’s a scenario so horrific not even Hollywood could produce it. But here’s a brief treatment, just in case they would care to.

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

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Spoiler alert: It isn’t! !
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Planet Animal 2: Moon Animals!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

This little nightmare I have just described (and registered with the Writers Guild) is why I strongly recommend getting a pet—any pet—and dominating it. It’s the best way to remind the animal kingdom who’s the boss. Plus, nothing is more satisfying than subjugating a lower creature to your will. When I tell my dog Gipper to fetch my slippers, I feel a sense of rightful empowerment, placing myself at the apex of Nature’s Org Chart.

Of course, Gipper has very sensitive legs, so when I ask him to fetch me something, I have to physically carry him over to that spot and pick up the item myself. But believe me, he gets the idea.

Don’t you, boy!

Oh yes you do!

For a human, dominating an animal should be as natural as smoking a turkey. And yet it’s a joy that many adults no longer experience. And do you know why?