Deeper We Fall (12 page)

“Uh, no. I was able to keep that under control. Those new injections and shock therapy seem to be working.”

“Nice,” Will said, holding up his fist. I gave him a bump and we exploded in unison before he pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. “This is one of those moments that you dream about, but you never think will happen.”

“Shut up. Where’s Simon?”

“Um GSA? PETA club? One of those acronym things.” Oh, Will. “You want to do something tonight? Besides reading
Mockingbird
or watching the movie for the millionth time?”

“At least I’m not going out, getting wasted and screwing half the football team.”

“Who’s doing that?”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know, but I’m sure some girl at this school is.”

“She must walk funny then, from all the sex. She probably also has chlamydia.”

“You are so gross,” I said, shoving him in the chest. “I’m just going to hang out in my room, I think. Maybe I’ll go for a walk.”

“It’s raining. You’ll melt.”

“Shut up. I’ve got a magic fucking umbrella.”

“Language, my dear.”

I shut the door in his face, hearing his laughter on the other side. Whatever.

Of course, just as I stepped outside, it started pouring. I had a waterproof jacket, but the hood sucked, and didn’t stay on my head. I felt like a total dork holding it up, so I just let it fall back. I had an umbrella, but it was in my room, and I didn’t feel like going back to get it.

A little rain never hurt anyone. I sucked a little rainwater from my bottom lip and started walking. I’d done some investigating on the campus map and found that there was a nature trail just down the road from the dorm. I wasn’t much of a nature girl, but I figured it would be the quietest place for me to think, especially since it was raining.

I had only gone a little ways when I heard someone coming up behind me. Whoever it was was running, and I pictured one of those psycho fit girls who would crawl to the gym even if their legs were broken so they didn’t gain an ounce of fat. Bitches.

I moved off to the side so they could pass me, but my foot got caught and my ankle twisted, causing me to lose my footing and fall. I squeaked and put my hands out to catch myself, but I didn’t hit the ground.

“Are you okay?”

I turned my head at the sound of his voice and the feel of his hands on my arms, holding me up.

My words got stuck in my throat for a moment. He was completely soaked, as if he’d been out here for hours, and his hair was plastered to his head. Rain dripped from his nose, but he didn’t seem to mind.

I realized I was as close to Zan Parker as I’d ever been and that caused me to lunge away from him, but he didn’t let me go, and the force of me pulling away backfired, making him pull me toward him even harder, so I crashed into his chest.

“Get the fuck off me!” I screamed, even though I was the one who was sort of on him. I swatted at him with my hands, but he held tight until we were both standing again. Then he dropped his hands from my arms, and I realized how warm they’d been.

I crossed my arms over my chest and started walking. Shit fuck. My ankle was not very happy, and twinged with every step.

“Are you okay?”

I gritted my teeth against the pain and kept walking, away from the dorm. Away from Zan fucking Parker.

“I know you don’t want to be around me, but I don’t want you to mess up your ankle.”

“Why do you care about my ankle? You didn’t care about Lexie.” The words lashed out of me. I could feel them erupting from deep inside, where I usually kept them in a jar with a tight lid. Time to smash that damn jar.

“Fair enough. Still, would you at least let me walk behind you, so in case you need it, I can offer some form of assistance.”

“Fuck off.” I kept walking, but it was starting to get harder. Damn defective ankle. I’d always had issues with them. I’d lost count of how many sprains and twists I’d had over the years.

I heard him walking behind me as I continued to struggle. I didn’t think it was a sprain, but I’d have to go back and ice it anyway.

I spun on my non-injured heel, finding him much closer than I thought. He was also a quiet walker.

“I can’t stop you from following me, since I don’t have my pepper spray with me, but I swear, I will go to campus security the second you do anything to piss me off. Got it?”

“Message received.” The way he said it made me think he was laughing at me.

“Do you think this is funny?”

“No, you just have some mud on your face. Right here.” He reached out, but I flinched back.

He looked almost hurt. “ I wasn’t going to touch you.” His hand pulled back, and I took my sleeve and wiped it down the side of my face he’d indicated. Great, I was quite a spectacle.

I fixed my eyes straight ahead and started my slow walk, Zan behind me like a shadow. He was just about as soundless. My plan was now to treat him like a shadow.

It took forever to walk back to the dorm, and I stumbled a few times on my bum ankle, but he never touched me. I headed straight for the elevator and he followed me. I got in, and he got in behind me before I could close the door. Honestly, if I wasn’t so livid, I would have laughed at his appearance. He was just as splattered with mud as I probably was. A microscopic part of me wanted to ask him what he’d been doing, running in the rain. I stomped on my curiosity and watched the elevator lights as we approached the fourth floor. It became harder to breathe the higher the elevator climbed. An eternity later, the elevator dinged and I dived out of the enclosed space. I turned and watched the doors close behind me as Zan pushed the button for the first floor.

He hadn’t said a word.

Chapter Twelve

Zan

I closed my mouth and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways
. My eyes traced the letters, and I closed the book of Rumi poetry Miss Carole had given me, along with a copy of
To Kill A Mockingbird, Slaughterhouse Five
and
Pride and Prejudice
. All of her essential reads, she said. I’d read all of them multiple times. I’d been really into books when I was younger, but the passion had waned due to the influence of things I considered better, namely pot and pills and booze. And girls.

Rumi had a lot to say about silence, and Miss Carole had helpfully marked those passages for me with little sticky flags. I really missed her. I’d have to make a trip down sometime. I made a mental note to get a bus schedule.

I knew it was her when I saw her hair and the way she walked. Even a hundred feet away, I knew it was her. My plan had been to run past her and pretend like I didn’t know she was there. I figured she’d be so lost in thought she wouldn’t even see me. I was just about to pass her when she tripped and my stupid instincts kicked in, and I had to catch her, even with my bum hand.

I knew she wasn’t normally that clumsy, it was just shit luck. At least she hadn’t broken her pretty face. That would have been a damn shame.

I swallowed hard as I held her, the rain pounding down around us, oblivious.

She wanted me to let go, and pulled, but I knew she’d just go backwards, so I yanked forward and she ended up mashed into my chest. How the hell that happened, I still couldn’t figure out. The other thing I couldn’t figure out was why my chest had felt like it was going to explode. Well, I knew the reason. I also knew the reason I wanted to suck the rain from her lips, and peel her clothes off and lick the rest of the rain from her skin. I fucking
wanted
her. So much that my pants got tight walking behind her, and I had to take care of myself afterwards in the shower.

She put up with me walking behind her, and then getting into the elevator, so that was a step, right? One step forward. Maybe tomorrow she would meet my eyes. Maybe tomorrow…

Oh, who the fuck was I kidding? Just because she hadn’t called campus security and had me arrested for stalking, didn’t mean she was going to be jumping into bed with me.

Fuck, I had to stop thinking about jumping into bed with her. It just made me hard again. I hadn’t jacked off so much since I was twelve and didn’t have a girl to do it for me.

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, willing my dick to stop doing what it was doing. I picked up
To Kill A Mockingbird
and started reading. If there was anything that could kill a hard-on it was small-town prejudice and racism.

Lottie

My effing ankle ended up just being bruised when I got back, so I iced it and told Will I wanted to order in. He complied, knowing that I was PMS-ing and that all I wanted to eat when I was PMS-ing was pizza and salt and vinegar chips and chocolate-covered pretzels. I hobbled down to his room, and consumed all three without him noticing that I didn’t get up, and that when I left I grimaced.

I put the rain incident in a box and shoved it deep in the back corner of my mind in the same place I kept all those embarrassing moments that made me want to die. I threw a cloth over it and shut my brain door.

I woke up on Saturday with Katie sacked out in her bed. I didn’t hear her come in, and she reeked of cigarettes and alcohol and she had a dress on that barely qualified as a dress, with monster high heels. Her mouth was open and she was snoring like a bear.

Someone had a good night.

I left as quietly as I could and didn’t mention it when I saw her again after breakfast and she was still in pretty much the same position.

“Hey, how are you?” I said, closing the door.

“Can you shut the curtains?” she said. It was more of a moan. Her arm was thrown over her eyes and her dress was hiked up so far I could tell she was either wearing the smallest pair of panties ever, or none at all. I really didn’t want to know, so I averted my eyes and closed the curtain.

“Did you have a good night?”

“I have no fucking clue.” Wow, I’d never heard Katie swear before, but I hadn’t spent all that much time with her, either.

She licked her lips and tried to sit up.

“Do you want some water or something?” I’d taken care of Will and Simon on enough occasions to know the Hangover Drill.

She shook her head, but I got out a bottle of water from the fridge and some crackers I had on hand for just such an emergency. I got some pain medication into her and she finally noticed her skirt and pulled it down.

“Where’s my phone?” She looked around, and I searched under the bed before we heard her ringtone. She’d been sitting on it.

“Hey, babe,” she said, answering and holding the water bottle to her forehead. “No, I just got up… No, I’m fine, how are you? Aw, poor baby. Want me to come make it better?” Her voice got deep and throaty and my stomach churned in revulsion. “Just let me get sexy for you and I’ll be right down… Okay… Love you, too.” She scrolled through her phone and typed out some messages.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

“This isn’t my first rodeo,” she said, her eyes locked on the device as she chugged the water and shoved a cracker into her mouth. I didn’t have any doubts about that. She seemed like a girl who went balls to the walls. At least she did when it came to pink. Why would this be any different?

“All I need is a crazy fattening breakfast and a few glasses of water, and I’m good to go.” She stuck her legs straight out, swung them until they were hanging over the edge of the bed and levered herself upright. It looked difficult.

“Whoa,” she said, wobbling a bit and clutching her head. She had a crazy pillow mark on one cheek and her hair was all smashed to one side of her head. She had that Ke$ha thing going on.

My doubts about her being able to make herself presentable again were crushed when she managed a rapid shower and re-makeup job along with straightening her hair and getting dressed in under a half hour. I wanted to give her a round of applause.

“How do I look?”

“Fresh as a daisy,” I said, appraising her.

“Good,” she said, primping one last time in the mirror. “See you later.”

“Bye,” I said, and she gave me a tight smile before closing the door, but it opened a second later.

“Thanks for the water and crackers.”

“You’re welcome.”

What I should have said was that she shouldn’t be getting drunk with the likes of Zack Parker, but the words wouldn’t come out. Why did there have to be two of them? I’d barely thought about Zack lately, given all the drama with Zan.

Zan.

The lid on his box had come loose, so I slammed it back on and went to breakfast with Simon and Will, piling heavy thoughts and boxes on top of the Zan box to keep the damn thing shut.

***

Sunday I did have something that put the Zan box in the back of my mind. I’d called Mrs. Davis on Saturday to make sure it was okay to come.

“She’s much better, and she can’t wait to see you. She’s gotten obsessed with the zoo lately, so we’ll probably have to go to make her happy.” Kay didn’t sound like it would be a very happy affair. Sometimes I wondered if she resented me for being normal. Or as normal as I was.

For being what her daughter could no longer be.

Such morbid thoughts spun in my brain as I drove Will’s truck to Lexie’s house. Her father was an accountant with his own office, and when we’d been younger, they’d lived very well in a nice house with a pool and nice cars and Disney vacations. The accident had sucked all that away, including the nice house and the pool and the vacations.

I pulled my truck down the narrow road that led to their house. I was forced to park halfway on the lawn, since there wasn’t much room for the truck.

The one-story house was coated in the same dingy yellow paint as it had been last time. Mr. and Mrs. Davis’ cars had gone from sleek black luxury cars to pre-owned generic models that had rust problems.

“Lottie!” Lexie opened the door and shrieked my name.

“Lexie, slow down,” Mrs. Davis said, holding her back from throwing herself down the rickety steps that led from the front door to the yard. Lexie’s balance was still off, so her mom was never farther away than a few feet.