Deeper We Fall (16 page)

That sure snapped me out of it, and I let go of her. She probably wanted to take another shower after having me touch her. I gave her back the towel and helped pick up her shower things and put them back in the basket while she gathered up her clothes. Even with most of her covered, there was still way too much skin that I wanted to look at.

Being so close to her made thinking and breathing difficult. With every gulp of air, a little bit of the perfume from her clean skin invaded my nose and imprinted itself on my brain. Jasmine. Coconut. Freshly melted snow.

I didn’t even remember what was said, but I remembered walking back down the stairs to my room, trying to get her out of my head again.

It was getting harder and harder, in more ways than one.

By the time I got back downstairs, I had to head for the shower too. I turned the water on as cold as I could and threw myself back into shitty memories of Carter so I would stop thinking about how much I wanted her.

Fuck.

Once I’d gotten dressed, I sat on the stairs and tried to control the explosion that was going on in my brain.

Maybe this was another part of my punishment from God or whoever. Putting this beautiful unattainable thing in front of me and then pulling it away.

Fuck you Zan Parker; this is what you can’t have.

Her brother would probably rip my eyeballs out and shove them down my throat if he knew. Something told me he wouldn’t find out. That she wouldn’t tell anyone. Not that she could keep a secret.

She was so free with words, always saying what was on her mind, whether it was appropriate or not. I especially loved it when it wasn’t appropriate. She wasn’t like those girls who say things just to shock people. Charlotte said what was on her mind, without even considering if it should be said or not. We were opposites in that way. I held my words in, she let them spill out of her.

Charlotte was so free about so many things. Except her body.

Her body…

God dammit, I had to stop thinking about it.

Easier said than done.

***

“Good weekend?” Stryker said when I walked into class on Monday.

I’d spent my weekend trying to get the vomit smell out of my room as my roommate tried to avoid me and I tried to avoid thinking about Charlotte naked.

I’d done a lot of running.

Zack had also convinced me to go out with him, but I ended up sitting in a corner with a passed-out guy next to me. I’d only had one shot of tequila, and the burn felt so good that I wanted to grab the bottle and down the rest.

I’d told Miss Carole I wasn’t going to drink, but it was just one shot. “One shot leads to two shots, which leads to trouble,” she’d say if she knew. I heard her voice in my head as the alcohol slid down my throat. At least it had been a week since my last slip up.

There were a few girls that stopped by the party, and a few tried to talk to me, but after my one-word answers, they moved on to more talkative companions. I watched them go with a little regret. I hadn’t gotten laid in a while, and the need to lose myself in someone burned even hotter now that I’d seen Charlotte.

Still, when I thought about losing myself in a body that wasn’t hers, my need cooled a bit.

I shrugged in response to Stryker and he turned back around. Damn, I was bad at this. Other than my brother I hadn’t really had a lot of friends. Tate had sort of adopted me, “like a lost fucking puppy,” he’d said. He didn’t care if I talked or didn’t. He could hold the conversation for both of us.

“You?”

“Got this done,” he said, turning around again pointing to the new eyebrow ring I hadn’t noticed initially. “Hurt like a bitch. Even more than this.” He pointed to his lip. “You got any?”

I shook my head. Piercing hadn’t been my thing, although I liked the look of his lip ring. “Just a tat.”

“Nice. I’ve got a couple. I’m saving up to finish my arm piece.” He pulled his t-shirt sleeve up, showing me a bit of a half-finished tattoo. It looked like the lines of a musical staff, along with a treble clef and a few musical notes. There were words as well.

“I’m getting my favorite song lyrics added. So I never forget them. What’s yours?”

“A tree. Here,” I said, motioning to my chest and shoulder.

“Why did you cover it up?”

“Long story,” I said. That was my patented response whenever anyone asked me about it. That usually shut them up.

“You should tell me sometime. I have a thing for long stories,” he said with a smile. I’d never gotten that reaction before.

Quan started writing equations on the whiteboard, so I had an excuse to turn my attention away from Stryker. A moment later, he went back to drawing in his notebook.

***

“Didn’t mean to be in your face about talking,” he said when class ended. “I just know what it’s like to have shit you carry around with you that you can’t tell anyone about.”

“It’s fine. I have that ‘chip on my shoulder’ look.” So did he, come to think of it.

“Yeah, I’ve perfected that look. Comes in handy, though. Cuts down on all the normal bullshit people throw at you.” True.

In an unwritten agreement, we walked outside and I handed him my lighter without him having to ask for it.

“How old are you?” I said.

“Twenty-one.”

“Don’t think I’m trying to be a douche or anything, but aren’t you a bit old for Math 101?”

That make him chuckle as he blew out a puff of smoke.

“I’m taking it for an easy grade. I only needed three more credits to graduate, so I took the easiest thing I could think of.”

“What are you majoring in?”

“Mechanical engineering and environmental science.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. Wouldn’t think it to look at me, but I’m a fucking genius.” He smiled at the look on my face. “Well, not a genius, but I’m pretty smart, but like I told you, once people make up their mind about you, that’s it. Like Boo Radley.”

“What?”

“You know, Boo Radley, from ‘
To Kill A Mockingbird
’?” He flicked some ash from the end of the cigarette.

“Yeah, I do.” He handed my lighter back, and I pocketed it.

He nodded in understanding. “Figured you did.”

We stood there for a second longer.

“You live on campus?” he said.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve got an apartment off campus, so anytime you wanna hang out or whatever, you’re welcome.” He gave me his number and we went out separate ways.

Looked like I’d found another Boo Radley.

Lottie

Katie’s study habits lasted about a week. During that time, we’d gotten along really well. Her studying a lot spurred my own academic pursuits and I got ahead on all my homework and reading and got a 97 on my first test. It also helped me forget about the towel incident. It wouldn’t fit in the box with the rain incident. I was going to need to get a bigger Zan box for my mind.

On Saturday night, I heard Katie stumble in after one a.m. and she was crying. She wasn’t being loud about it, but it was a tiny room, and I had seriously good hearing. Years of Will trying to sneak up on me had sharpened it to sniper precision.

“Katie? You okay?”

“Did I wake you?” She sniffed loudly.

“No, I just… um, had to pee and I heard you.” Great story, now I was going to have to get up and pee so she didn’t think I was lying.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what she was apologizing for.

“Are you seriously okay? Did something happen with Zack? Did something happen, or—” I had to shut my mouth or else I was going to start babbling again.

“I’m fine.” She sniffed and I heard her grabbing a tissue from the fuzzy pink box on her desk. “We just… we had a fight. I thought this was going to be such a good night, and then it was stupid and I left.” I turned my lamp on to find Katie wiping her nose.

She was a wreck. The pink shirt she’d ironed so carefully earlier was wrinkled, and her face was coated by streaks of mascara.

“I just love him so much,” she said, wiping her nose and missing most of the grossness.

“I know you do. You’ll work it out.” I couldn’t believe I was saying it, but I had to earn her trust, even if I had to lie through my teeth. Zack hadn’t done anything else but call me Hottie and leer at me. The second it went to more than that, it was on.

I sat on her bed and patted her shoulder. Since she didn’t flinch, I leaned down and gave her a little hug.

“It’ll be okay.”

Two hours and one-and-a-half pints of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia later, we were watching a marathon of
Law and Order
.

“The maid did it,” Katie said, shoving another spoonful in her mouth. I’d gotten her to the bathroom to wash her face, so she was looking marginally better. I really wanted to brush her hair out, but I thought offering to do that would seem a little creepy.

“My money is on the nanny,” I said.

“Bet?”

“You’re on. Ten bucks?”

“Deal.” She stuck out her hand and we shook. It was amazing how well she’d snapped out of her crying fit. I still hadn’t gotten the details out of her, but I wasn’t giving up.

“I didn’t want to have sex,” she said out of the blue. I pulled my eyes away from the television to find her stabbing the bottom of the ice cream container with her spoon. “I don’t like having sex when I’m on my period and I said I didn’t want to. He kind of freaked out and we had this big fight. I just… I didn’t want to deal with it, so I left.” I turned to face her.

“He’s done it before. I mean, he’s never forced me to, but sometimes I just don’t want to and the next thing I know my underwear is off and we’re doing it. I mean, I enjoy it and everything, but sometimes I just want to watch a movie or something. I’m making a big deal out of nothing,” she said, shaking her head.

“You’re not.”

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” She swirled the now-melted ice cream with her spoon. “I love him, but sometimes he’s too much. You know?”

“Maybe you should take a little break,” I said. What I wanted to say was that she should get out now. This was a gigantic red flag. I wanted to get up and wave my arms and tell her to run, run, run.

“Are you sure you want to be with him? I know you love him, but convincing someone to have sex when they don’t want to isn’t how a relationship is supposed to work. He should respect your wishes, too.”

“He loves me. I know he does. We just had a fight, that’s all. He’s been texting me like crazy, sending apologies. He wants to take me out to a fancy dinner to say he’s sorry.” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

Oh there were so many things I wanted to say. So. Many. Things. I nearly choked when I swallowed most of them. They cut my throat on the way down.

“It’s up to you, but I really think you should think about it. You deserve someone who respects you.”

“What do you know? You don’t even have a boyfriend.” Uh oh, she was getting defensive. It was time to pull back.

“I’m just concerned about you.” She chucked the ice cream in the trash and didn’t answer, effectively ending the conversation.

“Look, it was the maid,” I said, as the cops dragged her off in handcuffs as she screamed her innocence.

Chapter Seventeen

Zan

A loud pounding on my door late Saturday night, or early Sunday morning, depending on how you looked at it, woke me.

My roommate was absent again. I’d barely said anything to him since I’d taken care of his drunk ass.

“Zan!” Based on the tone of his voice, it was my brother and he was drunk. Drunker than drunk, probably. That would be great, for him to get caught, so I got up and pulled him into the room.

“She fucking left me, the bitch,” he slurred. “I wanted to fuck her and she fucking left me. Probably to go screw a bunch of guys. Stupid bitch.” I got him sitting on my bed and tried to evaluate just how drunk he was.

“I fucking love her, man.” Yup, he was about as drunk as he could get, if he was to the crying stage. I got some tissues and wiped the snot from his face and handed him a bottle of water.

“I fucking love her,” he cried, slobbering all over.

“Yeah, I know.” At least he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone or destroy anything. He’d done that enough times. He had gone past the angry drunk stage to the emotional drunk stage. It was almost worse to deal with.

Something had clearly happened with him and Katie. My mind drifted upstairs, wondering if Charlotte was doing the exact same thing at this moment with Katie. Maybe, maybe not.

“I just wanted to have shex with her,” he blubbered, grabbing my shoulder.

“I know, I know.”

Throughout the night and after a few puking sessions, I got the story out of him.

By the time he passed out around dawn, I was exhausted as well. I wished I could have gotten him back to his own room, but that wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to risk him getting caught by one of the RA’s that stepped up their hallway patrols on the weekends.

“You’re such an asshole,” I said to my brother’s snoring body. “I hate you.”

Lottie

The next morning Katie was sacked out in a pile of used tissues, face still streaked with mascara. Had she ever heard of waterproof? I made a mental note to buy her some for Christmas.

I crept out of the room and went down to talk with Simon and Will about the Zack and Katie situation. I hoped she wouldn’t wake up and start crying again, so I was trying to be quick. I was raising my hand to knock when the door on the left opened and a rumpled Zan emerged with a towel and a shower basket much like mine. At least he had a shirt and shorts on.

“Oh,” I said. I couldn’t help it. He stared at me, as if he was waiting for my brain to wake up. “Would you tell your asshole brother that if he hurts my roommate that I will rip off his testicles, coat them in chocolate and then make him eat them?”

His mouth twitched, as if he was choking back a laugh or a smile or both.

“I’ll pass that along.” He stepped around me, taking me back to the last time I’d seen him, when I’d been naked. That thought pulled my blush trigger and my face flamed red.