Deeper We Fall (8 page)

“We could walk down to the Union,” Will said.

“No, it’s fine. It’s fine,” I said. I was not going to let him ruin my enjoyment of baked apple French toast. I veered to the right, going as far away from Zan as we could get. The dining room was surprisingly empty. Everyone was probably still hung over.

Of course, in order to get to the French toast, I had to walk right by Zan. I could feel his eyes on me, like someone tapping me on the shoulder. I kept my own eyes on Will’s back. He and Simon had made a Lottie sandwich.

I breathed a sigh of relief as we sat down.

“He’s looking at you,” Will said.

“Thanks, that’s very helpful,” I snapped, stabbing my breakfast with a knife. I needed tea. I got up to go get some from the little coffee cart, and ended up dropping a whole stack of cups. I bent down to pick them up, hoping no one had noticed.

“Here,” a deep voice said. I turned my head to find Zan’s face only inches away. He crouched next to me, holding one of the cups.

I stood up so fast, I banged my arm on the table. He stood up and handed me one of the cups before walking back to his table and picking up his book.

What the fuck?

I forgot about the tea and went back to my table to find several bites of my French toast missing and both Simon and Will wearing innocent faces. The coffee cart was blocked by a counter, so they hadn’t been able to see what happened with Zan.

“I thought you were getting tea,” Will said. I opened my mouth to tell them about Zan, but then I decided not to. We were about one encounter away from Will and Simon telling Zan that they should take it outside and having one of those old-fashioned beat downs. Not that I’d ever witnessed one of those in real life, but I wouldn’t put anything past Will and Simon.

“Changed my mind.”

So I ate my French toast and tried not to turn my head. I won my battle most of the time.

“Stop looking at him,” Simon said.

“I can’t help it. It’s like Hoarders. You’re horrified, but you can’t look away.”

“Please, do not mention Hoarders.” Simon had watched five minutes of one episode and thrown up.

“Did you see the one where the woman found a dead cat under her couch?” Will said, winking at me.

“Stop. Seriously stop. I will pay you money to not talk about that for the rest of the day,” Simon said as we put our trays on the conveyor belt that went back into the kitchen.

“He’s still watching you,” Will said as we walked out the door.

“I know.”

Zan

I couldn't remember the day I stopped thinking girls were annoying creatures from another planet, and when I decided I liked them, more than I thought I could like anything. Well, not all girls. Just one.

Maybe it was fifth grade, when she won that school-wide essay contest about your hero, and she wrote about Scout Finch. I wondered if she remembered how she got on the stage, wearing a dress her mother had no doubt shoved her in. Even then, Lottie wasn't much for anything fussy or frilly. Her hand trembled as she gripped her essay, her crystal blue eyes wide. I'd always thought her eyes reminded me of a tank at the aquarium, with that soothing blue light.

Her voice shook as she started to read, but after one sentence, it was like something clicked and she became someone else. Confident, assured. She knew who she was and what she was saying and if anyone disagreed with her, they could go to hell. Or at least that was how I saw her.

I spent the next several years pretending I didn't like her, because that's what you do when you like a girl, but even thinking about talking to her made me want to crawl into a hole or puke, or do some other embarrassing thing. I spent so much time pretending to dislike Lottie that it backfired.

By high school I was in so deep that even thinking her name made my palms sweat. My brother knew I liked her and had called me a pussy for years for not approaching her. He was all for Lexie. Sexy Lexie. Sure, she was pretty and fun, but there was something about Lottie. I didn't know what it was, but I knew I wanted to be around it more than I want to breathe.

Then came the night that changed everything. The night that ruined my chance of ever getting to be around her. The memory pricked at the back of my head, clawing at spots that are still raw and fresh and torn.

She walked past me, pretending she didn't see me. She pretended so hard that it was obvious to anyone watching that she was trying to avoid me.

I didn’t blame her.

I'd avoid me too, if I could.

I was pretending too. Pretending to be reading
Slaughterhouse Five
. Pretending that she was just another girl eating breakfast.

I forced my eyes back on the page. Forced them to stop tasting her name over and over in my mind, like a piece of delicious candy I didn’t want to dissolve.

Forced myself to stop imagining a world in which she would look at me with anything other than pure hatred and pain.

It was true. I was a fucking masochist. I popped a piece of cinnamon gum and made a mental note to ask Zack if he could take me to the store to get more. I was going to need a shit ton of it.

Mom called me while I was walking back to my room. Probably just to check on Zan, but I answered anyway.

“Hey, Zan. How’s everything going?” The subtext of the call was to ask if I’d gotten myself into trouble. That was usually the only reason we talked lately. “Did you get moved in okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. How’s Vegas?” I could hear sounds and commotion in the background, so she was probably out somewhere with Steve.

“Steve won at blackjack and I’m trying to convince him to quit while he’s ahead. You know how he gets.” Steve was an all-in, balls to the wall kind of guy. He never backed down from a challenge, whether that was a company merger or a bet or a friendly touch football game.

“Are you sure everything is okay? Have you talked to Miss Carole?”

“We’ve texted, but I haven’t called her yet.” I’d been putting it off. I didn’t want to seem too needy. Plus, she’d see right through me in a way that my mother couldn’t.

“Well, you should call her. I know she’d want to know how you’re doing. Are you taking your meds?”

“Yup,” I lied as I swiped my card to unlock my door. She breathed a sigh of relief anyway, swallowing my lie without hesitation. The background noise got louder and I heard Steve’s voice say something to her.

“Listen, I have to go, but I’ll call you when we get back, okay? Steve sends his love.” Yeah, right back atcha, Steve.

“Love you, Mom.”

“Love you, too. Bye.”

Before the accident, before Steve, Mom and I had been close. She had a harder time managing Zack, because he was always getting into something, or breaking a bone, or a lamp or curfew. I was the good boy, the one who remembered her birthday and kept my room clean. Not to say that I was an angel, but I definitely caused her less headaches. Still, Zack always excelled at everything he tried, and more than made up for his troublemaking by winning awards and praise.

She used to call me her ‘little man’, but then came Steve and she didn’t need me anymore. He filled a place that I couldn’t. She pulled away from me and I started pushing her away, and then came the accident, and a chasm opened up between us that I wasn’t sure we could ever bridge. We didn’t know how to talk to each other, and that was on both our parts. Miss Carole was always bugging me to talk to my Mom, and I knew Miss Carole talked to her about trying to reconnect with me. Every now and then, Mom would suggest we do something together, but I’d put her off. Sometimes there were lost causes, and judging on the fact that my own mother hadn’t looked me in the eye in two years, our relationship was one of them.

Some things were just broken and you had to put them aside and move on.

Lottie

I was going to spend my evening reading
To Kill A Mockingbird
again, but Will texted me, pretending to invite me down to his room for an impromptu game night with Simon. It was really just a ploy to make sure I wasn’t sitting my room in the dark, listening to dark music and sawing at my wrists. I messaged him back saying I needed a shower and then I would be down.

“How long does it take you to shower?” Will said when I walked into his room.

“I had to shave certain personal areas,” I said.

“Whoa, whoa, WAY too much information,” Will said as Simon made a gagging noise.

“Hey, you asked. I think I’ll take that English Breakfast now, Simon.”

“In the kitchen box,” Simon said, pointing to said box that was on top of their mini fridge. I found a cup that said May The Force Be With You and had a picture of Yoda on it.

“You’re just going to sit and read, aren’t you?” Will said, as if this was some new phenomena.

I pretended to be shocked as I settled myself on Will’s Papasan chair as the microwave dinged. Simon handed me the cup and I tossed a teabag in it.

“How did you know?”

“Come on, I swear I’ll go easy on you.”

“No thanks.” I opened my book and held it in front of my face.

“You’re being weird,” Will said, pulling the book away from my face. “Weirder than normal.”

“Thanks, bro.”

“You know what I mean. You didn’t run into the Brothers of Doom, did you?”

“Is that what we’re calling them now?” Simon said. “I thought we decided on Sons of Assholery?”

“We’re giving them nicknames?”

“Why not?” Simon said, as if that was a stupid question.

“Back to your weirdness. You totally had another interaction with them, didn’t you? Which one?”

Both, but I wasn’t going to tell them that.

“Zack was with Katie when I got back. He still makes my skin crawl.”

“All you have to do is say the word duckling,” Simon said.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Why don’t you tell her?”

“Tell her what?”

“That he’s really a Storm Trooper,” he said, rolling his eyes, “what do you think? Tell her about what he did to Lexie.”

“He already told her his version. If I tell her what happened, she’s going to think that I made it up. You don’t understand how this girl thing works. If I tell her that, then she’ll think I’m trying to break them up and then she’ll turn on me and living with her will be total hell. Or, she’ll think I’m trying to steal him from her. Girls choose their boyfriends over girls they’ve just met. See?”

“Uh, no,” Will said.

“Sometimes, I’m really glad I’m gay. Guys aren’t nearly as complicated as girls,” Simon said as I sipped my tea.

“Can I go back to my book now?”

“Yeah, whatever.” I could see Will turning what I’d just said over in my head. I went back to Scout and Jem and Boo Radley.

***

I called Lexie as Will and Simon engaged in an epic Minecraft video game battle that had turned them both into yelling barbarians, bent on destruction. Honestly, you’d think they were actually battling for the future of the world.

I was a little late in calling, so I didn’t know what state she would be in. I’d called her late before and it hadn’t ended well. I’d just been so distracted that I hadn’t had a chance until now.

“Hey, Lex!” I said, making my voice bright and cheerful. Will always said I sounded like I was a psychotic kindergarten teacher, but I was willing to do whatever it took to keep her calm and happy.

“Hi,” she said, her voice quiet and low. Uh oh.

“What’s wrong, Lex?” My cheer faltered a bit.

She sniffed. “You hate me.” My heart dropped.

“Who said that? I don’t hate you. I love you. You’re my best friend.” I fought hard to keep my voice steady as my heart, shattered so many times already, cracked a little more in the weak places and threatened to break one more time.

“I know you hate me because you were supposed to call today and it’s the night and you didn’t call. I waited for you to call and you didn’t call!” She was starting to escalate, which could be dangerous. It had been before. Many times.

“Lex, is your mom there? I need to ask her something.” Usually, Lexie’s mom listened in on our phone conversations just to make sure Lexie was calm, but I didn’t hear her breathing on the other line.

“She has nothing to do with this!” She shrieked. Will and Simon looked up from their game, hearing Lexie yelling through the phone.

I took a deep breath. “Lex, sweetie, where’s your mom?”

“Lexie?” I heard Mrs. Davis in the background. “What’s wrong, baby?” I heard Lexie trying to wrestle the phone away from her mom.

“Lottie hates me!” she wailed, and the phone crashed, probably to the floor. I heard Mr. Davis come in and scuffling as he fought with Lexie so he could restrain her.

“Mrs. Davis!” I yelled, “I’m so sorry. I should have called her earlier,” I said as I heard her pick up the phone, and a screaming Lexie being dragged to her room.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s not your fault. Maybe you should just wait a couple of days, okay?” Her voice was weary. The little pieces of my heart cracked just a little more for her. “I think you should still come down next week, but we’ll let you know. Okay?”

“Okay,” I said, choking back tears. She hung up and I put the phone down. My life had gone from not so bad to worst.

“Is she okay?” Will said, Minecraft forgotten.

“Not really. She just had another fit. I tried to get her out of it, but she was too upset,” I said as Simon handed me a tissue.

“Maybe you shouldn’t call her so much,” Will said. He’d said the same thing before.

“That’s what Mrs. Davis said. I just… I just don’t want her to think I’ve forgotten about her. She’s still my best friend.”

“I know, but maybe you need to take a break. You’ve got a lot going on.”

“I just can’t abandon her.”

Before the accident, Lexie never went a day without a social engagement. She never went a moment without texting someone on her phone. She never was at a loss for friends.

After, she had me.

Her life had been a beautiful flower, with thousands of bright petals. Those petals withered away and were scattered by the wind, until there was one else left.