Dare Me Forever (13 page)

Amy

I decided to buy myself
something new. I hadn’t gone shopping in ages, and I thought this
next date with Ryan warranted some very special lingerie. Right after
lunchtime, I wrote out a sign, and put it on the door of my shop, “Be
Back In 5 Minutes,” hoping if anyone came, they’d take that time
liberally. I stopped by the boutique where I used to work--they had
amazing clothes--and Pamela, the sweet owner always gave me a deal.

I walked in and was
immediately greeted by Pamela’s warm smile.

“How is the store
going? You’ve really done a beautiful job, Amy.” She was always
encouraging me. I was so fortunate to have found the job with her
right after my mom left. She’d helped me so much over the years,
keeping me on track, advising me on how to care for Luke as she had
two boys of her own.

“It’s going well.
The commissions coming in are great, and the walking traffic on this
street is so good as you know. I’m hopeful that it’s gonna work.”

“Come look over at
this new shipment. I know lingerie isn’t usually your thing, but--”

I interrupted her.
“Actually today, that is exactly what I came in for.” It felt a
little awkward to say that to Pamela, but after working together for
so long and helping with the most outrageous customers, my
announcement was incredibly tame.

We headed over to the
panties and bra section. I wanted something special, but not too
racy. Something that said sweet and salty at the same time. Pamela
peered at me over her glasses, and then showed all the new
merchandise. After a few minutes of oohing and aweing over her taste
and the gorgeous products, she left me be at the table. She knew I
didn’t need any help.

There were gorgeous
silks, light and airy cottons, sleek satins. I picked up a
rose-colored push-up bra, and found the matching panties. They were
soft, and delicate, but the lacy panties and sheer bra straps were
anything but innocent. I couldn’t help but imagine what it would
feel like to have Ryan’s hands all over me again. Yes, these would
be perfect.

I looked at the table
again, and found a saucy black pair of lacey panties and matching
bra. Maybe I could talk Ryan into a second act if I had a wardrobe
change. I needed to get those too.

When I walked to the
register, I could barely hide my grin.

“Hot date?” Pamela
asked, a playful twinkle in her eye. I blushed and began stammering.
“Oh sweetheart, I’m just teasing you. A woman needs some nice
lingerie, no matter what.” She He was still had an almost
irresistible charm and confidence, patted me on the hand and finished
ringing me up. I lifted my head and smiled at her. I don’t know why
I got so embarrassed. Must have been those damn racy thoughts—I
felt like she could read my mind.

I paid and grabbed the
package. I loved how Pamela always wrapped customers’ purchases in
thick, decadent tissue paper. It was the perfect touch. I made a
mental note to pay more attention to that in my store.

I needed to grab a
coffee and then haul ass to the store. I was
really
pushing
the five minute thing. I walked over to Groundworks and pulled open
the door, rushing to order my drink. While I waited at the counter
for them to call my name, my thoughts drifted back to Ryan. I
wondered where we would have dinner. What we would do after. I
grabbed my vanilla latte and was headed back across the street
towards my store when I saw Hunter coming towards me.

“I just went to find
you at the store, but obviously you weren’t there.” He looked at
me sheepishly as he stood before me. I entertained the thought of
just walking past him, but no—that was a little too mean, even for
how annoyed I was with him. Hunter looked at me, noticing that I was
bouncing back and forth on the balls of my feet, obviously eager to
extricate myself from this situation, and grimaced. “I wanted to
explain, to apologize for the other night.” He looked around us at
people milling about, walking past us to work.

I may not be feeling
mean, but that didn’t mean I was going to go out of my way to make
him comfortable. If he felt awkward talking about what he did, maybe
he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. I had been charitable
going out with him—the least he could have done was not be an
asshole again.

But I also didn’t
need to have this conversation in front of the Groundworks regulars,
who I probably knew or at least saw fairly often. Sighing, I gestured
at him to follow me back to the shop.

As I unlocked the door,
I hoped Hunter’s explanation would be quick and painless. I just
didn’t really want to get into it with him.

Hunter put his hand on
mine. “Amy, what I came to tell you. I’m sorry. I was just
stressed about this game I’d lost and stuff at work and seeing you
again--well it’s made me confused. I just keep remembering our
past, and how easy it was between us. It’s never like that. When we
were good, it was amazing.” He paused.

This was not what I was
expecting at all. One minute, treating me like a booty call, and the
next minute apologizing and evoking our past.

I rubbed my forehead,
and pushed my bangs back behind my ear. I hated to admit how good it
felt to hear these words. It was like a hurt I thought had long since
healed, was just now being totally soothed. Now I knew what people
meant about getting closure. You could do everything in your power to
get over someone, to move on, ignore the sadness, but nothing
replaced the experience of someone remembering what you remembered,
of someone regretting the way they’d treated you and finally
telling you to your face.

Hunter looked at me,
trying to gauge my reaction to what he had said. I must have looked a
mess, frowning as I stared at him, my thoughts moving too fast to
piece together. As much as I had dreamed of this moment ever since we
broke up, the fact of the matter was I wasn’t eighteen anymore. It
had been almost six years. I knew I was over thinking again. Hunter
traced the line between my eyebrows.

“You always did think
too hard,” he said smiling. He was right. I needed to go with my
gut. And my gut was screaming Ryan in neon lights.

“Amy, I really need
to talk to you about something, but it’s sort of involved and
private.” He gestured towards the customers that had just walked
into the store. “Would you meet me at Fletcher Cove tomorrow?”

The cove was an old
hangout spot of ours. It’s this beautiful out of the way beach near
the park we’d gone to a lot when we were younger, mostly with
friends for cook-outs and chilling out. We’d also had more than
enough hot make-out sessions there. I hesitated. Had he extended the
invitation with the memory of our hookups in mind? Because it wasn’t
going to be like that. Or was he just trying to be friendly? I didn’t
owe him anything, and if he wanted to tell me something he could tell
me right here.

“Hunter, just tell me
now. No one is listening.”

“I can’t.” His
voice was shaking.

“Ok,” I said
reluctantly. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t take long, and it was on
my way to work.

“It’s a date.” He
looked relived.

Amy

After I closed the
shop, I texted Jamie to invite her over. Hunter’s interest was
making me a little insane and Ryan was on my mind so much that I
wanted to do something simple—something that didn’t involve any
guys, no matter how hot they were. We decided to meet at my house,
order in pizza, and veg out. I already had on my favorite sweatpants
that said
SO CAL
on the butt, and a soft tee-shirt I’d had
since I was a teenager.

We both had a secret
love of
Dance Moms
, and tonight there was going to be a two
hour long special! Popcorn and Oreos sat on the coffee table in front
of my sofa in an all-you-can-eat buffet of junk food. The pizza would
come in thirty minutes.

Jamie texted me that
she’d be right over, and I settled in on the couch. Sometimes all
you need is a night in with your bestie. I left the door unlocked so
Jamie could let herself in without me having to get up—that’s how
lazy I was feeling.

“I’m so excited to
watch this,” Jamie yelled as she came through the door with two
bottles of white zinfandel cradled in her arms. I laughed. More than
anyone I knew Jamie was such a big fan of the
Dance Moms
girls, rooting them on through solos and duets as if she were their
mom herself, fiercely believing in the show’s outrageous set-ups,
as contrived as they may be. It’s like she is still a teenager and
I love how unapologetic she is about that. I handed her the bowl of
popcorn as she sat down.

As we watched the last
ten minutes of the show before, she caught me up on the potential new
love interest who’d been coming into her bar. His name was Alex and
he’d asked her out on a real date—different from most of the guys
she hooked up with, and I was glad.

“And he is really
interested in
me
—my personality and interests and
everything—not just doing me.” Jamie’s eyes glistened. “
Plus
he’s a little older too, which I like.”

Then it was my turn. I
filled her in on most of what had been going on, although not
everything. I kept the sexual part of my and Ryan’s relationship
private. It was so much more powerful and intense than anything I’d
ever experienced that I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

“With Ryan I feel
like I’m playing with fire,” I said, “but I can’t resist him.
Like a moth to a flame. He is sweet and tender too, but the
attraction and the wholeness I feel with him, well, it scares me
shitless.”

Jamie smiled at me.
“That doesn’t mean it’s bad. Everything you’ve said makes him
sound amazing. It just seems like you’re standing in your own way.”

“I know, but I just
can’t get burned.” I split an Oreo in half and ate the plain side
first. “I’m too afraid. And
then
Hunter is all over me
lately. And I hate that it feels good. Like I’m vindicated or won
somehow.” I trailed off.

“Who says you can’t
see them both and play it out?”

“I feel guilty when
I’m with Hunter. I don’t want to be with him, and I don’t know
how he keeps getting me to see him. I weirdly feel like I’m
cheating on Ryan, even though nothing is official. And I’m not even
doing anything wrong. Not to mention that Jennifer person who was
hanging onto Hunter like a magnet. He said they’re not dating, but
there’s definitely something weird going on there. I don’t want
to get involved in anything messy, even a friendship with him seems
like it might be too much.”

Jamie nodded, seeming
to understand. She opened her mouth to say something else, but
thankfully, the show started. I didn’t want to dig too deeply with
her. I needed to figure this out for myself.

The familiar theme
music came on the speakers. Jamie reached over and turned up the
volume to an almost deafening level. I love watching TV with her,
because she doesn’t talk through the show. We talk every commercial
break about the dance studio owner, Abby Lee Miller, and her latest
tantrum, but we have a firm agreement not to bug each other while
watching. Don’t want to kill the mood.

We sat in companionable
silence, but halfway through the opening scene, my phone rang from
where I’d left it in my bedroom. Usually I’d just ignore it, but
the possibility that it was Ryan wouldn’t leave my mind. As much as
I wanted to see which girl would be at the top of the pyramid this
week, I wanted to talk to him more.

I sprang off the couch
and ran to my bedroom. After snatching my phone off my bedside table,
I rushed back not to miss anything. Jamie gave me a look, raising one
of her eyebrows.

It
was
Ryan
calling. My heart may have missed a beat when I saw his name appear
on the screen. I’d call him back at the break. As I turned back to
the show, watching the same girls get chosen as favorites while the
usuals got picked on, my attention kept wandering. I had it so bad. I
don’t think I’d ever gotten up in the middle of an episode.

The commercial couldn’t
come soon enough, but I’d promised myself to wait. Plus I couldn’t
handle Jamie’s inevitable teasing if I didn’t.

The minute the screen
switched to a commercial about Velveeta cheese, I dialed voicemail.
Ryan’s sexy voice was delicious even recorded: “Hey, Amy. Just
wondering what you are up to. Call me back. I don’t think I can
wait much longer to see you. Tomorrow evening you’re mine.”

I had to call him back.
Jamie rolled her eyes dramatically, but couldn’t hide her smile. I
walked a little bit away from the couch—too hard to be sassy with
an audience.

“Hi,” I said once
he picked up. “So tomorrow night I’m yours? What if I’m busy?”
I asked playfully. I had to make him work for it, even a little.

“I promise whatever
you have planned, this is better.” I didn’t doubt it for a
minute.

“So what
do
you have planned?”

“You’ll just have
to wait and see.” He didn’t wait for me to confirm before
pressing on with his plans, “So tomorrow at 8. I’ll swing by your
house and pick you up.” It wasn’t a question and I loved how he
took charge.

“I’ll try to be
home.”

“Ha. I fancy you,
Amy. Till then.”

I hung up. When I
turned around Jamie was staring at me.

“I’ve never seen
you look like that, Ames. Your eyes are bright, your skin is flushed.
And you only spoke to him on the phone for two minutes. He must be
incredible.”

He
was
incredible. I just hoped I could keep my shit together and not get
overwhelmed and fuck it up.

Amy

As I waited for him to
pick me up the next day, I was able to put my finger on one of the
things I loved most about Ryan. He surprised me, and I didn’t
remember being surprised since I was a little girl, before Dad died
and my mom fell apart, before the responsibility for Luke rested all
on my shoulders. When my dad was alive, he used to make things
exciting, like surprising us by taking us to the ice cream store
after dinner, or having a pizza party making night. I’d had a
magical childhood before he’d passed on. Talking about him with
Ryan at the beach, had made me miss him all the more. But I also
loved that Ryan got to know who he was through my memories.