Contessa (89 page)

“
I didn
’
t mean what I said,
”
I continue. He looks down at the floor with his hands clasped, his elbows on his knees. For a second, I think he might be crying again, but when he looks up, his eyes are dry and serious.

“
I have one rule for this conversation tonight. Deal?
”

“
Anything.
”

“
No eye rolling.
”

I begin to relax a little, and agree to his one and only term.

“
When I was your age...
”
He watches me intently before continuing.
“
Good girl. That was a test.
”

“
Dad,
”
I attempt to urge him on.

“
Okay. When I was your age, I was just starting to go out with this girl. I really liked her. And we had a standing date every Friday, kind of like you and Jon do on Saturdays.

“
But we
’
d go to the football game, and then out to a local burger place, every week. I didn
’
t just like Friday nights because I got to see her, but it was also one of the few nights I got to get out at all. During the week, your grandpa did a lot of traveling. Once I got my drivers license, I had to step in and take my brothers to school, and to all of their extra curricular events.
”

“
Didn
’
t Kelly have her license, too?
”

“
She did, but she had to help around the house. My brothers were slobs. And without a father there to discipline them, it was easier to just clean up after them, which my sister was in charge of. Mom had to work long hours to make ends meet, and for a few years, it was pretty tough. Tough for a sixteen-year-old kid, anyway.

“
So, on the night of homecoming, there was a big party after the game that everyone was going to. I had been looking forward to it all week. Mom had even extended my curfew, so that made the evening extra significant.

“
But about an hour before I was to pick up my date, my dad showed up with special passes to go on this dinner-show boat tour around the city. Six passes. He was so excited, and I
’
d learn later, that he
’
d been putting money aside for this big surprise for weeks. It was apparently very expensive, and we didn
’
t have a lot of money to spare back then.

“
I had no intention of going with him. Kelly didn
’
t either. Stevie and Matty were very excited, because their Friday nights typically consisted of board games with my parents. They couldn
’
t wait to get out, and, more importantly, they couldn
’
t wait to go out with
Kelly and me
. They looked up to us, and we rarely had time to do fun things together.
”

Dad takes a moment to gather his thoughts and runs his hands through his hair a few times.

“
Kelly and I ganged up on him. We talked about his absence, and his inability to provide for our family. We pointed out how he never had to be involved in any of the stressful events of the week. I rubbed it in his face that I was having father-son conversations with Stevie that he should most certainly be delivering. We accused him of stealing our childhood. Together, Kelly and I just became more enraged, and each thing we said to him was exponentially more hurtful than the last. We fueled each other on, and felt pretty smug and satisfied when Dad eventually tore the tickets up in front of us.

“
I remember the last thing I said to him was,
‘
Good, because who the hell would ever want to spend their free time with a man like you?
’
I was on my way out of the room, feeling pretty almighty and smug, until Stevie broke down into tears, rushing to my father and hugging him.

“‘
I would!
’
he
’
d cried. Dad leaned down to hug him and I saw
his
eyes begin to water. Matty joined in their embrace, and my mom followed soon after. She was crying, too.

“
I felt awful. Kelly went up to her room and started sobbing. The adrenaline was still coursing through my body, though, and I walked out, slamming the door behind me. I heard a vase from the front table by the door shatter as I walked to my car.

“
It was my great-grandmother
’
s vase. Apparently the only thing that made it safely with her on her voyage from England.
”

I cover my mouth, feeling the remorse for him. Even to this day, I can tell he still feels it.

“
What
’
d you do?
”

“
I went to the game
–and
the party. And I stay
ed out past my extended curfew–
but not because I was rebelling, but because I was too afraid to go home.

“
I had an awful night. And I remember, when we had a talk the next day, he said something
like
,
‘
just wait until you have kids.
’
That statement has haunted me ever since.
”
He
’
s smiling when he says this.

“
Dad, sure, that
’
s bad. But it wasn
’
t nearly as bad as what I said to you.
”

“
Yeah, today was bad. What you said was pretty hurtful. I guess that
’
s what you were going for.
”

“
I didn
’
t realize how hurtful it was until it actually came out of my mouth. I can
’
t even believe those were my words.
”

“
Nate might have been a nice mentor or maybe a decent uncle. I
’
ve heard he was great with Clara when she was little. But I
’
m not entirely sure he would have been a good father.
”

“
I don
’
t even want to talk about him anymore. I mean, Dad, I know already, there
’
s no one better than you. Not him,
”
I say, purposefully not saying his name,
“
not anyone.
”

“
Oh, I wouldn
’
t go that far. But Tessa, I have devoted my life to you and your brother. I want you to be prepared for the world, and when I
’
m no longer here, I want that world to be a place where you and your brother will thrive and be happy.
”

“
Don
’
t say those things, Dad,
”
I tell him, finally letting a few tears drip from my eyes as I only briefly consider the thought of my dad not being around anymore.

“
After that night with my father, I put aside all the resentment I
’
d felt for him. I did whatever Mom needed me to do with no complaints. I did anything my father would have normally done for the family, because I knew he believed that what he was doing was the best thing he could do. Even though, through my eyes, I thought there was nothing more important than
being
with family, he thought there was nothing more crucial than
providing
for us, financially. He watched his parents struggle with money and he didn
’
t want to put us through that. He hated to make Mom work so much.

“
But for me, that fight was a turning point. I decided that night what kind of father I would be. I
’
d be the kind to provide, but at no expense to my family. That
’
s what motivated me in college. I wanted to do as much as possible while I was single so that I could have something of substance to offer a future wife. I wanted to give us a foundation to raise a family, so that we wouldn
’
t have to struggle.

“
And that
’
s just what I did.
”
I can hear the satisfaction in his voice. He has accomplished so much, all on his own, and he should be proud.
“
I hope I
’
ve set a good example for you.
”

“
You have,
”
I assure him.

“
On days like today, I wonder if I
’
ve done something wrong–
”

“
You haven
’
t, Daddy–
”

“
I don
’
t know. Maybe I haven
’
t been hard enough on you. Or maybe I haven
’
t been open enough. Maybe I
’
ve sheltered you too much, or been too encouraging of your individuality. Maybe I should have reined you in a little.
”

“
Dad, you
’
ve done a perfect job. I
’
ve just sucked at being your daughter recently. I mean, look at Trey. He
’
s the best kid around!
”

Dad smiles and takes my hand in his.
“
Don
’
t tell your brother this,
”
he says softly,
“
but you
’
re the best kid around, in my book. You
’
re smart and so utterly talented. And, good or bad, you
’
re not afraid to speak your mind.
”

“
I know. I
’
m so sorry.
”

“
I know you are, sweetie. I forgive you. And as you continue to mature, I know you
’
ll learn to censor that smart mouth of yours.
”
He lets out a small laugh.
“
But it
’
s the people that aren
’
t afraid to speak up that make changes, Livvy. I wouldn
’
t want to take your voice from you. I just hope you
’
ll consider the power of your words in the future.
”

“
I will never,
ever
say anything like that to you again, Daddy. Never.
”

“
I hope you won
’
t. A few more times and you might actually start to convince me you
’
re on to something. I value your opinion. And I believe you when you tell me things. At least I always have in the past.
”

I infer that he
’
s changing the subject.
“
I
’
m sorry I lied, too.
”

“
I am, too. I mean, as far as the drinking goes, I would have been disappointed if you
’
d told me that you had two drinks in a bar, but it was infinitely worse finding that out from someone else. Especially after you
’
d already denied it.
”

“
I thought I
’
d get away with it,
”
I tell him honestly.
“
Obviously not very smart on my part.
”

“
Livvy, by all means, you don
’
t have to tell us everything that goes on with you. You
’
re growing up, and with adulthood comes the need for some privacy. I
’
m okay with that. I
’
m not okay with you disobeying our rules or breaking laws, though. I didn
’
t raise you to be a societal burden–
”

“
That
’
s a little harsh,
”
I disagree.

“
Today, yes. If you keep going down that path, though–
”

“
I won
’
t! I swear, Dad. I didn
’
t even like the alcohol. I was just happy for Jon and... well, curious.
”

“
Well, I hope this is the last time we have to talk about this. You
’
ll have plenty of time to be
curious
when you
’
re twenty-one.
”