Confessions of a Wild Heart (28 page)

“
Mami
, this isn’t disrespect. I’m a man now. I pay my bills. I’ve paid you all back and will help however I can—”

“A man, he says,”
Papi
spat, in Spanish.

Ase continued in English. “Papers are signed, things are in motion. I go back to Texas tomorrow.”
Thank fuck.
This was why Ase had waited until today. He knew it wasn’t the most mature move he could make, but he’d already packed up his hotel room, ready to head out as early as possible. He didn’t need to give them time to fuck with him. He hated having to act like a criminal, running away. But so far his
papi
’s methods had proved he’d make rash, drastic decisions to keep his
familia
in line.

“I don’t want to not see you again,” he said. He mostly meant his
mami
. He knew this was going to be hard on her, and the brunt of his
papi
’s bullshit would fall to her. She wouldn’t leave, though. And he couldn’t stay. He was done.

“If you leave, you never come back,” his
papi
said. The growl, the raw anger in Juan Ramirez’s voice brooked no argument. Ase’s
mami
cried louder. Which earned her a few curses in Spanish from the old man.

“
Tu hermano
—” his
papi
started.

“My brother has nothing to do with this. Either of them.” Ase quaked a bit, then said what he’d really come to say, the reason he’d decided he had to stop here before leaving town, other than it felt wrong to run off with his tail between his legs. “I will not think of you, which is lucky for you. What you did to me, to Lizeth—”

“Was a fucking waste. You shame us.”

“A crime,
papi
. It was a crime.” Not that he emotionally had it in him to do it. He just wanted to be away from here. “And it was so wrong.” He hated how his voice cracked on the last word.

“Wrong to not want my son to be a fucking
joto
? If you’d grown up where I did, they’d not have tried to fix you. They’d have cut your balls off and left you in the fucking village so people could spit on you.” And Juan looked like that option was perfectly viable to him at the moment, which made Ase’s gut clench.

“Good thing we’re here, then.” Ase held himself together somehow, because the disdain rolling off his
papi
in furious waves said the old man was contemplating doing as he’d said anyway. The only reason his
papi
wasn’t in his face was because the arthritis in his knees made him feeble and slow.

Ase’d never wanted to cry like he did now, the stricken look on his mother’s face, the hatred coming from his
papi
. This was… fucked. But more than anything it was cathartic. Oh, he was breaking, and he was falling to pieces on the goddamned floor right now, but he knew—at least he had a little hope—that when he walked out and drove away from this house, probably for the last time, he’d be able to try to fix some of what had been broken.
Dios
, but he hoped he could.

Papi
started railing on him, cursing him, hobbling up from his chair, but struggling against his aching joints. Ase pitied the man, for a brief moment. Very brief.

And without listening, making himself numb, he walked out to his car, and drove away. He may not openly admit it, but he’d cried all the way back to his empty hotel room where he slept one last night, then cried all the way down the I-10 as he drove back to Texas. It was as cathartic as it was painful. To be the man he wanted to be, he had to bury huge parts of the boy he’d once been. It hurt, but he liked to think he was keeping the best parts.

Ase blinked back the mist that’d settled in his eyes. Fuck. This was not the time to break down again. He was with Jase. He didn’t have time to keep running over every moment of that morning where his parents played the Hispanic homophobe caricature. Jase and he had talking to do, and hopefully some semblance of a future to maybe, sort of, kind of plot. If Jase would take him, damaged as he was.

           Somehow, though, he had faith. Jase hadn’t let him down yet, his bulldog who had gone to bat for him when they were still kind of strangers.

           He hoped he could repay the kindness. Or show even a fraction of the gratitude he wished he could to the only person who’d really ever stood up for Ase, ever.

****

Jase dreamed of sunshine and a beautiful, happy young man with a camera and a mischievous smile. He dreamed of butterflies in his stomach and the rush of being on the back of a motorcycle and kisses before the world was so real.

He dreamed of the shutters of a camera, that sounded like heartbeats and….

His eyes blinked open, the sounds of laughter and heavy breathing fading into the ether, but a bright morning’s sunlight welcomed him to a world that wasn’t so heavy. And the shutters followed him into wakefulness. It took him a few moments of groggy blinking and rubbing his eyes before the shutters stopped and were replaced by happy chuckles from the other side of the room.

Jase peeled his eyes open fully and found Ase standing in the doorway to Jase’s bedroom, smile dimmer than in the dream, but happy all the same. His eyes were a bit distant, a little haunted, but a lot more relaxed than Jase had seen in months. It stole his breath for a moment to see Ase’s beautiful, shirtless form, with his camera in his hands, and a look of amusement on his face.

“You’re being a weird stalker again,
ese
.”

“You know
ese
is kind of offensive when white people say it, right?”

Jase gave his best even stare for having just been awakened and drawled, “Even
gringos
who’ve swallowed for you?” He put extra emphasis on the word
gringo
.

Ase gave a filthy half-grin and stalked over to the bed, got on his knees on the mattress to get closer to Jase. Then he leaned over and placed a gentle, nipping kiss on Jase’s lips that made gooseflesh rise all over Jase’s naked body. His morning wood bounced greedily beneath the sheets.

“Good morning,” Ase said.

“Mornin’,” Jase said, still groggy.

“Sorry. It’s a bit early still, but I couldn’t resist taking a few shots of you sleeping. You were just too adorbs to pass up the opportunity.”

Jase curled his lip. “Did you just say adorbs?”

“What can I say? I spent a couple of days with girls I performed with in San Diego. They’re all
totes
and
adorbs,
and apparent they can
never
even. Ever. I honestly thought that had all gone out of style while I was hidden out here in the land that time forgot.”

Jase leaned up to kiss Ase, who was looking a bit too
adorbs
himself with his bedhead and puffy right cheek he’d obviously had propped on his fist. “Should’ve hidden out longer, apparently.”

“Well, turns out—” Ase kissed Jase again, then sat back, crossing his legs and picking at the quilt that covered Jase. “I could have gotten my head out of my ass and talked to this sexy deputy I know, and he’d have been hiding me out.” Ase looked back up at Jase, a bit shamefaced. Jase leaned up on one elbow and used his other hand to reach and run his fingers through Ase’s hair.

“He would have been glad to do it. But he’s glad you’re here now, either way.”

It begged the questions “
how long”
and “
what are we doing?”
but Jase didn’t even know how to start that conversation. He looked over at the digital clock on his bedside and muttered “Shit.”

“What?” Ase asked, startled.

“Oh,” Jase said, shaking his head. “Sorry. I’m just a bit behind on feeding.”

Ase grimaced. “Yeah, I think you’re good. Your brother is here. I saw him walking toward the barn.”

“Oh, good.” Jase fell back on his pillow and stretched. One of Ase’s strong hands landed on Jase’s pec and stroked down his stomach. Jase sighed at the reverent touch, the sheer worship in Ase’s eyes making his heart ache. Didn’t Ase know he could have Jase any time?

“He also saw my bike.” The guilt that poured from Ase’s words made Jase sit up and place a palm on Ase’s cheek.

“Don’t fret. Really. I knew the ultimate outcome of you staying over. There’re some long overdue conversations all around.” Lord, but Jase couldn’t think about that without coffee and food in his system. “Which can be handled after I piss and have caffeine.”

Ase perked up, proudly. “I made coffee. There’ll be a fresh pot.”

Jase put both hands on Ase’s face and put a big smacking kiss on his lips. “You’re amazing, and I want two of you.”

He didn’t even think too much on how he’d settle for just the one of Ase, and bounded from the bed to take care of his unhappy bladder. While he brushed his teeth, he caught himself humming and felt like he’d lost his mind. But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’d been a good night, a decent morning. May as well enjoy the good while it lasted.

That gave him an idea.

After finishing up in the bathroom he sought out Ase. “Hey, there’s a thermos in the cabinet above the coffee maker. Fill it up. Grab some granola bars out of the pantry. We’ll go for a walk.”

Ase’s eyebrows shot up.

“I know. It’s just such a nice morning. And being out of the house will be more neutral.” Ase considered Jase and gave a nod, understanding the meaning behind the words. Meaning it’d be easier to have the conversation they needed to have without Ase feeling trapped or Jase feeling like the walls were closing in.

Jase went into his room and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. “You’re welcome to see if anything of mine will fit you. If the jeans are too short, I at least have gym shorts that should do the trick.” He went back out into the living room. “Or just swipe a t-shirt. God knows with those guns, they’ll all just hang right off you, but you should find something that’ll do.”

“You’re such a fucker,” Ase said, not looking up from his phone.

“Anyway. I’m gonna run and check on Mama. I do every morning.” Which Ase knew, so Jase didn’t know why he’d spelled it out. “I’ll be just a few minutes, and we’ll head out.”

“You sure?” Ase’s earnest worry made Jase’s feet move of their own volition. He pulled the man into a fierce hug and held him until he melted into the embrace.

“So touchy-feely,” Ase teased.

“Only with you.”
Truer words.
After a beat they separated, and Jase went up to the ranch house. He wasn’t sure at what point he’d gotten back in the habit of just walking in, and if ever there was a morning he’d probably have been more comfortable knocking, today would have been that day, but he walked right in like nothing was amiss and followed the chatter. When he pushed through the swinging door to the kitchen, his mama and Will sat drinking coffee.

Their gazes all bounced around, flicking from one to the other. His brother looked awkward, but that was pretty much his permanent disposition around Jase the last few years. Their mama was contemplative, frowning more than she had in a while.

“Mornin’. Just checking in,” he said, to break the ice.
Be cool.

“Good mornin’,” Will said. That was good. Will was one of those people who you could tell his mood by whether he said
good mornin’, mornin’,
or just plain
hey
. So, uncomfortable, but nothing out of the ordinary.

“Doing alright this mornin’, Mama?” Jase asked.

“Yes.”

Will looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there when her curt affirmative cracked through the room.

“Okay,” Will said, slowly. To Jase he said, “I got the horses fed. Figured you’d slept in on your day off. S’why I came over early.” He then addressed their mama. “And Michelle wanted me to make sure you were comin’ to church Sunday. There’s gonna be a small lunch or something-or-other for you, since it’ll be your first Sunday back.”

She waved a hand. “I’ll be there. Of course I’ll be there. Tell her I’ll make my macaroni salad.” She then pinned Jase with her gaze. “Will you be going?”

“I can’t. I have to work the first shift.” Though he knew she was likely saying he
needed
to be in church. Oh well. Work was work.

“Well, make sure you come by for lunch. Michelle’ll be upset if you can’t stop by for a plate.” Will grimaced to say it in front of their mother, but went ahead. “You can bring your friend a plate too.”

Their mama glowered at Will then rolled her neck to give Jase another accusatory once over. “I gotta speak my piece, here. You know I thought that might be what was going on. When I saw him last time, and what with you moping about since then.” Her head moved from side to side. “Now, I love you dearly. But I can’t condone that.”

“What exactly?” Jase said, evenly.

She glared. “Do I need to say it out loud?”

“Mama.”

“Maybe
you
should,” Will said, a pointed look making Jase want to thump the fucker’s ear.

Will sighed, pulled out a chair from the table, and sat across from his mother. “Mama. That’s Ase. In my house. And I care about him a lot.”

“Is this why you left home?”

“What? No.”

“You know folks won’t take well to that around here.”

“Mama, a lot of people know I’m bi—that I like both men and women. And they don’t disapprove, at least not my friends. Or my boss.”

Her frowned deepened. “Well, shame on them.”

“Mama,” Will said, disapprovingly. That surprised Jase. Though, Will had never really shared his opinion on Jase’s sexuality.

“You want me to lie?” she asked impassively.

“No. I don’t reckon I do,” Jase said, truthfully.

“He isn’t coming for Christmas.”

“Mama, I don’t even know there’ll be an
us
at Christmas. And please don’t force me to make that choice. Not this morning.”

“I suppose you’ll be off to San Antonio again then,” she said. Statement, not a question, her voice bored, matter-of-fact. But her chin did that annoying mom-guilt wobble that got an eye roll behind her back from Will.