Casting Down Imaginations (25 page)

“My rent is due on Friday,” I told him. “Is it possible for
me to get an advance?”

His eyes went up and down my body again. I was uncomfortable
now, feeling like a piece of meat.

“How much you talking about?” he asked, licking his lips when
his eyes stopped at my breasts.

“Five hundred.”

“Damn, girl.
That’s
a lot of money to be asking for. You haven’t even started working yet.”

“I know, I know. But I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t really need
the money.”

He sat and thought for a few moments. “Alright,” he finally
said. “I’m gon’ do this for you, but only ‘cause you look good. I think you got
the potential to make all this back over the weekend.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Thank you so much.”

“Hold on, there,” he said, as he pulled out his checkbook.
“I’m not gon’ just give you this money. Oh no, baby. Things don’t work like
that. Not around here they don’t.”

There was a catch. There always was.

“I need you to run an errand for me.”

I frowned. “What kind of errand?”

“Nothing crazy,” he told me. “I just need you to drop
something off for me at this address.”

He scribbled on a piece of paper and gave it to me.

“This is across town,” I said, recognizing the area.

“I’ll throw in five dollars for gas,” he smiled at me, then
reached under his desk and pulled out a small overnight bag.

“What is it?”

His face became stern. “Don’t ask questions.”

I was uncomfortable. This didn’t seem like a good idea.

“Sorry,” I apologized.

He tried to change his tone, but clearly I had struck a
nerve.

“Take the bag to the address,” he told me. “It’s a gated
community, so you won’t be able to get inside. They have a guard at the gate
named Mike. Give the bag to Mike. He’ll give me a call when he gets the bag to
let me know you did your job. When you finish, meet me back here, and I’ll give
you the check.”

He stared at me as if he were waiting on me to move. I guess
I wasn’t supposed to ask any questions.

“I don’t know about this,” I managed to tell him, even though
I was scared to.

“What is there not to know,” he said. “You don’t expect me to
just give you five hundred dollars, do you? You gotta be on payroll, girl. That
means working, helping me make my money. And this is helping me make my money.”

I stood there, torn with indecision. One part of me screamed
that something wasn’t right about the situation and I should find another way
to solve my problems. But the other part of me said I needed the money to pay
my rent.

“Fine,” I said, and took the bag from him. “I’m coming right
back for my money.”

“What’d you say your name was again?”

“Anaya.”

“That will be all, Anaya,” he said, and went back to his
work.

Paranoid, I left to go deliver the bag.

**********

I stood still as Jeff pulled away from me. I was so disgusted
by what I had just done that I tasted vomit in my mouth.

I went and dropped the bag off just like he asked me to, and
came back in hopes that he would simply give me the money he said he would with
no drama. I should have been more specific in my mental request. He wanted his
time with me. And to him, time equated to sex.

I protested as much as I could, but he made it pretty clear
that the only way I was going to get that money was if I gave him what he
wanted. I wanted to curse him out and let him know that I was too good to be
anybody’s prostitute, but this was the closest I’d been to any money on my own,
and I knew if I didn’t have five hundred dollars by Friday I was going to be
homeless. Plus the job as a dancer could pay a thousand dollars a night, and I
needed it. So I swallowed my pride and did what I had to do. It was the most
degrading experience of my entire life. Worse than Reese, worse than the
abortion. I kept my eyes closed the whole time and pretended to be somewhere
else in an effort to keep what little sanity I had left.

“Here’s your money,” I heard him say.

I finally opened my eyes and let them rest on the floor. I
refused to cry in front of this bastard, but I wanted to so bad.

“I think you made the best choice,” he said. “You’re young.
You need to know that you ain’t gon’ never get nothing in this world for free.
You got that? When you ain’t got nothing, you gotta use the only thing you
got.”

The tears finally fell, but I didn’t make a sound. I wiped
them away before he could see them and grabbed my purse and the stack of twenty
dollar bills sitting on the edge of his desk and hurried to leave his office.
Just as I opened the door a woman dressed only in a pair of shorts that left
half of her bottom out and a pair of platform boots rushed in past me.

“Jeff, I need to talk to you about my money,” she said.

I looked at her, then at him for the first time. He had a
smug look on his face, and I knew then that he’d lied to me. This place wasn’t
the super extravagant place that he told me it was. It was just another strip
club.

“You bastard,” I growled at him.

He smiled at me and said, “See you Friday at eight.”

“Oh, is she gonna replace Candy?” the naked girl asked.

Jeff nodded. “Hopefully,” he said and winked at me.

I turned around and left before I attacked him.

**********

As I drove home I tried my best to get what just happened out
of my mind. I arrived home to find two men hauling my living room sofa into the
back of a moving truck. I pulled up behind them in haste and jumped out of my
car.

“What are you doing?” I screamed at them.

“Hey, get back lady. We got a job to do,” one of them snarled
at me.

“What are you doing? That’s my couch!”

He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his back pocket and
waved it in my face. “Not according to this. I got strict orders to come up
here and get this stuff ‘cause you didn’t pay your bill.”

I huffed, seeing that I wasn’t going to get anywhere with
him. I ran to my apartment where I saw Mr. Pier letting two other men carry out
my bed.

“Whoa!” I yelled at them. “Stop it! Put that back!”

They kept going like they didn’t even hear me.

“I said stop!” I yelled, but it was to no avail. Angry, I
turned to Mr. Pier. “What are you doing?” I asked him.

“I’m letting these men do their jobs,” he answered. “I’m not
about to have this truck coming to my apartment building every day because you
won’t pay your bills.”

“Ugh!” I screamed, disgusted with his attitude. “How are you
just gonna open my apartment for them? That’s against the law. You can’t do
that!”

I watched in despair as two men walked out carrying my
kitchen table.

“Hey, don’t yell at me,” he said. “This is my apartment
building and I can do whatever I want. I only look out for paying tenants. And
you have until Friday to give me my money, or you’re out, too!”

“Take your stupid money!” I yelled. I pulled the thick wad of
cash I’d just earned out of my purse and waved it in his face.

“I want my money—”

I threw it at him before he could finish and ran inside. The
only things left were the kitchen chairs. As I stood there and watched, the
same man that waved his repossession orders in my face came in and took them
away.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to curse and kick and scream and
have an all out tantrum. I wanted to fight. But all I could do was collapse on
the floor. The beautiful apartment that I was so happy to own before was now
just a bare empty place. Almost like my heart.

“Next month’s rent better be on time,” Mr. Pier warned me
from his stance, then closed the door and walked away.

I felt low. I felt lower than low. The only thing that could
possibly make me feel better was either a pound of weed or a pint of alcohol. I
had neither, so I had no choice but to keep laying there and cry myself to
sleep.

thirty four

Karen

I just want to take care of you…

Those were the words Terrance told me only minutes ago. Right
after he picked me up from the library and brought me back to the dinner that
he cooked for me. Right after he fed me chocolate covered strawberries and
rubbed my feet. Right after he promised me that if I would agree to be with
him, he would give me the world. Right after I cried.

Terrance really did love me. He bought me a brand new bedroom
set earlier this week, and a car. Not an expensive car, but it was a car
nonetheless, and I was on his insurance. He was being a man, taking care of me,
and a part of me wanted to accept him the way that he was because of all that
he had done for me.

But the more he kissed me, the more something inside told me
things just weren’t right. I just didn’t know if his love was enough. Could it
make up for all of the times that he hurt me? Could it replace the wound in my
heart from the death of our child?

“Terrance…” I managed to whisper between kisses.

I was trying to get him to stop kissing me, but he kept
going, from my mouth to my neck moving very slowly and taking his time. My mind
was telling me this was wrong, but he felt so good. His arms as I rubbed them,
his tongue as it grazed a sensitive spot, the breath from his nostrils as he
entertained every last one of my senses.

But something was wrong.

“Terrance...”

“Quit talking,” he whispered to me, and began to press
against me.

I took a deep breath, caught off guard by his excitement. He
was serious. He wanted me.

Oh no. How did I get myself in this situation again?

“You know you want to,” he said softly, pressing harder and
wrapping my legs around him.

I did. I really, really, really did. I wanted to get lost in
him. I wanted to just close my eyes and let him have his way with me and
pretend that everything was okay. But I just couldn’t.

“I can’t,” I said aloud, letting go of his arm and covering
my eyes with my hand. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t see his face full of
disappointment again.

He stopped. “I knew it,” he said angrily, and got up.

“Terrance,” I whined softly. I hated when he got mad at me.
“I’m sorry.”

“You think this is a game?” he asked angrily.

“No.”

“Why you keep playin’ wit’ me, Karen? You think this is
funny?”

“No,” I insisted. “I just…”

“You just what?”

“I can’t do this, Terrance.”

“Yes, you can. I don’t get you, Karen. Why you keep playin’
wit’ my emotions? I’m a man. I can’t take being played with.”

“I’m sorry!” I cried. “I just can’t help it, Terrance.”

“Why not?”

“Because
. You
keep doing stuff.”

“What have I been doing, besides being there for you? I let
you move in with me, didn’t I? Don’t I treat you nice? Don’t I take you out and
feed you? I’m tryna’ take care of you, girl.”

“I know, and I appreciate it. I really do.”

He sighed and looked away. “Then why you ain’t tryin’ to be
wit’ me?”

Pain came to my chest at his words. “Is that what you think?”
I asked.

He didn’t answer. I crawled next to him on the couch. I hated
to see him sad like this.

“Terrance, I do want to be with you.”

He pulled away. “Don’t try to play me.”

“I’m serious,” I persisted, and forced him to look me in the
eye.

He chuckled. “You got a funny way of showing it, Mama.”

“Terrance, I do want you. But I just can’t do things the way
we used to anymore.”

He rolled his eyes. “I ain’t never seen nobody trip on God
the way you do. You act like you a nun or something.”

I laughed at his comparison.

“It’s not funny. Don’t you know I got needs?”

I became serious again. “I do know you have needs, Terrance,
and I’m sorry. But I gotta be me, and this is me. Celibate.”

He buried his head in his hands. “Awh man,” he muffled. “I
can’t believe this.”

I scooted closer to him. “What?”

“This.
You
… Like this… I mean, damn, girl.” He burst
into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, almost laughing with him.

He kept laughing. “You. I mean, damn, baby. Back in the day,
you…”

“I what?”

“You didn’t used to be nothing like this!” he kept laughing.
“I mean, look at you. You all covered up now. The old Karen used to wear them
low cut shirts, that used to have your boobs poking out like BAM!” he
exclaimed.

“No I didn’t,” I laughed, even though I knew it was true.

“Stop lying, you know I’m telling the truth,” he continued.
“And you used to wear them miniskirts, showing off them fine legs you got.”

I shook my head, not wanting to go that far down memory lane.

“I thought church girls were supposed to wear skirts. Where
yours at?”

“You trippin’,” I dismissed him. “For real.”

“Uh huh,” he chuckled, then became serious and stroked my
face.

“What happened to my girl?”

I took a few moments to answer. “She’s gone.”

He licked his lips. “I want her back.”

“She’s not coming back,” I whispered.

“Umph,” he grunted. “I sho’ll do miss her,” he said. “That
girl was my baby. She used to be down for whatever. Whenever. Remember that
time we skipped school and did it in the park down the street?”

It was a moment from my past that I wasn’t exactly proud of.
But it was just that, my past. And I didn’t feel guilty about it.

“Why you doing this?” I asked.

He sighed. “I don’t know,” he answered. “Torturing myself, I
guess. I just don’t get it. How can a person change so much? Just like that?
Before, all I had to do was mention I wanted some, and you would be right there
for me. All the time. Now it’s like… Every time I touch you, you turning away
from me.”

I took his hand in mine. “I’m not the same Karen anymore,” I
explained to him as gently as I could. “And as soon as you accept that, the
better you and I will be.”

“So you and me can’t never be together again? Is that what
you saying?”

“I didn’t say that,” I answered him.

“Then why you keep rejecting me?”

I breathed deeply and exhaled slowly, not sure exactly how to
explain everything I wanted to say.

“I’m just waiting on God,” I finally said.

“To do what?”

“I don’t know. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m waiting. I
know that I know God, and He’ll give me a sign or a dream or something that
will let me know.”

“Let you know what?”

“If you’re the one for me.”

He looked me square in the face. “The one?”

I nodded.

“But I already know you’re the one for me. You don’t trust
me? After all the things we done been through together? All the things I done
for you? Even in the last few weeks? Come on, girl! You don’t trust me yet?”

“Terrance. I went through a lot after we broke up. I lost my
man, I lost my baby, and I lost all of my friends. That was very hard for me.
And during that time I made some changes, and one of those was committing to
celibacy until marriage. And I’m sticking to it.”

“People say that all the time, but nobody really does it.”

I twisted my mouth, determined not to cave in. “I am.”

His facial expression changed. No longer was he perplexed and
tense. Now he was surprised. “Really?” he asked, as if he finally understood
for the first time.

I nodded.

“That’s cool,” he said after a few moments of awkward
silence.

“You understand, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Nawh, it’s cool. I mean, you do you, know what I’m
sayin’?”

I leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” he said coolly, and stood to his feet.

“You okay?” I asked, sensing that he was unhappy.

He picked his keys up from the kitchen counter and made his
way toward the front door. “Yeah, I’m cool. I just gotta go… run some errands
and thangs. I’ll be back in a while.”

“You sure you okay?”

 “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Just gotta go… take care of some
thangs. I’ll be back in a bit.”

Just as I was about to tell him to wait, he left, leaving me
all alone.