Casting Down Imaginations (20 page)

I nodded, remembering when she first came into the picture.
She was supposed to just be his homegirl, but obviously that didn’t last long.

“One thing led to another, and before you know it, we become
more than friends.”

That answer wasn’t good enough for me.

“But you were already with me, David. How come I wasn’t
enough for you?”

He winced. “Nya, look. You were enough for me.”

I shook my head. “Nope. No I wasn’t. If I was, you wouldn’t
have cheated. It’s because I wouldn’t have sex with you, isn’t it?”

His response was a delayed one, which let me know I was
right.

“It wasn’t just that.”

I knew I was telling the truth. “Yes, it was. You’re such a
selfish pig, David. Do you know that? I told you that I wasn’t ready!”

“It wasn’t just that!” he insisted.

“Then what was it then? It couldn’t have been love, because I
gave you plenty of that.”

“I’m a man, baby. Damn. What you expect from me? I can’t just
stop doing that all because you don’t want to.”

I was so tired of that excuse! Looking straight in his face,
I reached over and punched him in the stomach. He coughed, trying to breathe.

“Look, I told you to stop hitting me,” he said once he got
his composure back.

“Why you always gotta give me that lame excuse?”

“It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth.”

“Whatever, David. God! You know what? I am so sick of men!
All you guys are interested in is one thing, and once you get it, you’re gone.
You don’t care about me, David, and you never did.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you didn’t! If you did you wouldn’t be sexin’ my friend!”

“Look, I’m sorry alright. Damn.”

“Stop yelling at me!”

“Stop yelling at me!”

Frustrated, I leaned back against the car and let him hold
the shirt on my nose again.

“Dang, she popped you good,” he said.

“Shut up.”

He chuckled. “I’m sorry, but she did.”

“Yeah, well. She better be glad she pregnant.”

He glanced at me as if he didn’t believe me. “You know Jayla
will kill you. Don’t try that ‘she’s pregnant’ crap, because if that’s what it
was then you would have never hit her to begin with. You don’t give a damn
about that baby.”

He got me on that one. I didn’t, even though I knew I should
have.

“How far is she?” I asked.

“Five months.”

I calculated it. That was about right. Tears leaked from my
eyes as I thought about it. The baby that I once dreamed of carrying for him
was now in another woman’s womb. All because he lied. All because he couldn’t
tell me the truth.

“Why, David?”

He sighed. “Nya, I honestly really don’t know.”

“Did you love me?”

“Yes.”

“But you loved her, too. And all the rest of them other
females that you were with when you were with me.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, okay, I see. You loved sex, and you still do. Or else
you wouldn’t still be with her.”

He didn’t say anything.

“That’s what it is,” I told him, beginning to choke as I
talked. “You love it way more than you ever loved me. You couldn’t stop just
for a period of time to see about me and my needs. You always had to go lay up
with some other female and get her to give you what you wanted. But then you
would come back to me. Why, David?”

I turned my head away from him as I cried, not wanting to let
him attend to me anymore. I wanted to be through with him, forever. My tears
had made me weak though, and as I turned to walk away I stumbled and fell. He
quickly came to my aid and picked me up in his arms. Brokenhearted, I turned to
him and wrapped my arms around his neck and cried and cried. I let it all out
as he hugged me back, comforting me for what we both knew was going to be the
last time.

“How come you didn’t love me?” I cried into his neck.

“Ssshhh,” he consoled me. “It’s alright, baby. It’s alright.”

“How come?” I asked again. “I just wanted you to love me like
I loved you. Was sex that important to you that my love wasn’t enough?”

“Ssssshhhhh…”

“How come you didn’t?”

He rocked me back and forth and kissed me on my forehead.
“Ssshhh. You know I hate to see you cry.”

I kept crying, relinquishing all of my hurt onto his chest.
“I love you so much, David.”

“I know, baby.”

“I love you. I really really do.”

“I know, baby. I know.”

I wanted him to say it back. Even if he didn’t mean it, I
wanted him to say it so I wouldn’t feel like a fool for giving him four years
of my life for no reason at all.

“I love you,” I repeated through my tears.

No response. I needed him to say it back. I didn’t want to go
through life knowing that I could never be enough for him, because a man that
loved sex more than me could never love me the right way anyway.

“I love you,” I said again.

“I know, Nya. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

An apology. He owed me at least that much, but it wasn’t
enough.

Discouraged, I lifted my head from his chest and began to
walk away.

“Where you going?” he asked.

My head began to swirl. “Home,” I answered.

“You okay?”

I nodded, even though I wasn’t. My heart was broken, and I
was suddenly dizzy.

“Look. Can I call you sometime?”

I shook my head. There was nothing else for us to talk about.

“No, David.”

“You can keep the shirt,” he called out after me.

I looked down. I still had his shirt in my hand.

“Thanks,” I said, even though I wasn’t appreciative.

“Just wash it. A good stain remover will take all that blood
right out.”

“Okay,” I said, and tried to make my way to my car. My
stomach began to churn as it had several times in the last few days. Feeling
myself about to heave, I scurried over behind the nearest car and threw up.

I’m pregnant.

I started crying all over again just thinking about it. The
lady at church was right. I was a fornicator, and I was pregnant. I was going
to have to go get a pregnancy test.

David rushed over. “Ugh,” he said, turning away from the
repulsing aroma that was coming from the ground. “You alright? You eat
something bad?”

I wiped at the tears on my face. “No,” I told him. “I’m
pregnant.”

His face dropped. I walked away while he stood there trying
to figure out who succeeded at coaxing me out of my virginity. I already knew
what he was thinking: If I was going to give it up, why weren’t all of his
tricks ever enough to get me where he wanted me? The stupid fool still didn’t
realize that if he’d been patient, I probably would have. But I was glad I
never did. If I had, both me and Jayla would be pregnant. That would mean that
our babies would be siblings. That meant I’d have to see both of their ugly
faces for the rest of my life. Thank goodness God loved me enough not to let
that happen.

twenty seven

Karen

I pulled Mama’s car into Terrance’s driveway and turned the
engine off. I was surprised that Mama agreed to let me use it. Her Lexus was
her prized possession, and she wouldn’t have even let me pretend to drive it
before. But I guess she could see how traumatized I was about everything that
was going on, because when I asked to borrow it she didn’t even ask me when I
would be back. She just told me to be careful and make sure that I brought it
back with no scratches on it.

I sat in the car, debating whether or not I should go inside.
I really needed someone to talk to, but I had no friends, so Terrance was my
only viable option, especially seeing how close the two of us had become over
the phone. But his shadiness was still in question. He did leave Daytown
suddenly without telling me goodbye, and his suspicious behavior with Mama
didn’t put him number one on my list. But after Daddy, there was no one else on
the list but Mama. I was in a sad predicament.

I was just about to turn the engine on and head back to the
house when I saw the front door of the house open. Terrance walked out onto the
porch, clutching his phone in his hand and a drink in his other. He was fine,
his biceps bulging as he walked toward me, displayed gracefully by the tank he
was wearing. It clung to him tightly, so much so that I could see his six pack
underneath when he stood in front of me. I thanked God for cotton.

“Hey,” he said, his tone mellow, almost a whisper.

I must have looked as pitiful as I felt.

“Hey,” I whispered back.

He kneeled down outside of the car door beside me. “You
alright?”

I just shrugged. I didn’t know if I was or if I wasn’t.

“You wanna come inside? Mama just made some peach cobbler.”

I shook my head. “Nawh. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“Come on, girl. You know you want some.”

I shook my head again. “No, thanks.”

He reached his hand into the car and stroked my face. “You
gon’ be alright. Just hang in there. Okay?”

My eyes traveled off in the distance. All I could think about
was what I was going to do. My whole life I dreamed of nothing else but going
to college. I never came up with a Plan B.

“Did you hear me?” he asked.

I nodded, still looking off.

“Can I sit in the car with you?”

I finally looked up at him. “Yeah.”

Terrance walked around the car and joined me on the passenger
side. “You can always get loans,” he told me once he was settled.

I moaned. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” I said
softly. “I was supposed to go to school for four years and not have to worry
about finding work until after graduation. Then I was gonna get a good job
working for a pharmaceutical company, and then they were gonna pay for grad
school.”

He picked my hand up and kissed it. “Things don’t always
happen the way we want them to,” he said, and placed my hand on his knee.

I felt the scar from his surgery. “Oh. Terrance, I’m so
sorry,” I apologized. “Here I am carrying on about my troubles. You have bigger
things to worry about.”

“Well…” he began. “Not really.”

“What do you mean, not really?”

He grinned. “I would tell you, but first you gotta let me
know that you’re in the mood to hear some good news.”

“Any news is good news at this point,” I said, weary from
trying to figure things out on my own.

“Sure?”

I nodded.

He held up the cell phone in his hand. “I just got off the
phone with Coach Lambert,” he said.

My heart skipped a beat. “The head coach at DU?”

“Yep,” he said, smiling from ear to ear, those beautiful
straight teeth of his shining. “I decided to take the offer. I have a full
athletic scholarship.”

“Aaahh!” I screeched, and reached over and hugged him. “Oh my
goodness! Terrance, that’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks,” he said. “Lambert and the school are making an
exception for me. The boys on the team have already started training, so I
gotta get to school right away so I can train with them.”

“That’s great, that’s wonderful,” I rambled, estatic for him.
“That’s so great, Terrance. I know how bad you wanted to play basketball, and
now it’s happening for you.”

He nodded, excited as well. “Yep. After all that heartache,
things are finally working out in my favor. They’re holding a press conference
the day after tomorrow.”

I was saddened by this. “The day after tomorrow. But
Terrance, that means that you’ll be leaving—”

“In the morning,” he answered for me.

“In the morning?” I asked, disappointed. “But what about New
Year’s and spending time with your mom. You know she’s missed you.”

“Mama understands.”

I was quiet, shocked by how quickly everything was happening.

“Will I ever see you again?” I asked him.

He laughed at me. “Of course. Don’t be silly, girl. You know
you’ll always have me in your life.”

He was trying to be sweet. “That’s nice, Terrance. But I
don’t think I’ll be going back to Daytown. At least not this semester. Tuition
costs are too high, and I don’t have room and board and without a job, I can’t
pay for an apartment.”

“Sure you can,” he insisted. “The Karen I know always knows
how to think of something.”

I frowned. “That was the old Karen. This Karen has run out of
options.”

He took my hand into his and forced me to look into his eyes.

“Then come with me.”

“What?” I laughed. “Terrance, stop playing.”

“No, I’m serious. Come with me.”

He was serious. “Terrance, what are you talking about?”

“The coach already has someone looking for an apartment for
me. I can call him back and tell him to make sure they get me a two bedroom.
It’ll be perfect.”

“We can’t be roommates,” I told him.

“Why not?”

“Because. It won’t… look right.”

“What won’t look right about it? All it will look like is two
friends helping each other out.”

“You’ll be helping me, but how would I be helping you?”

“By letting me look at that sweet face you got.”

I shook my head at him. “Sweet talker,” I accused. “That’s a
nice gesture, but that’s okay. You have school and basketball to worry about
and don’t have time to take care of me.”

“Baby, I will always make time for you. Always.”

I shoved him. “Stop it, already.”

“I’m serious. What are you gonna do here in this rinky dinky
town? What, you gon’ work at the food mart? You know them old women in their
hair nets been there for seventy five years and they ain’t about to give up
their jobs and be replaced by a young thang like you.”

“Stop it, Terrance,” I laughed. I was thankful that he cared
enough, though. It eased my mind of all the tension that I felt.

“I’m serious,” he said once we stopped laughing. “Come with
me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

I sighed. “I just can’t, Terrance. I don’t have any money. I
can’t pay for tuition, I don’t have a job, I can’t help you pay rent. I can’t
even help with groceries, yet alone bills.”

“Look, don’t worry about rent and bills. I still got money
from when I played ball before, so I got you on that.”

“No, Terr—”

“And if it’s that big of a deal, then you can get a job once
we get back to Daytown, and you can get a student loan to pay for tuition.”

I started shaking my head.

“Look, just think about it,” he told me. “I gotta get back in
the house. Mama’s cobbler is calling me and I gotta pack. I’m leaving for
Daytown in the morning, and I really want you to come with me. But I can’t
force you. I’m gonna let it be your decision.”

He unlocked the door and opened it to get out, but I stopped
him.

“You would really do that for me?” I asked him.

“You really don’t believe that I love you, do you?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

He sucked his lips. “I got something done yesterday,” he told
me. “I wasn’t gonna say anything just yet, but seeing as how I might be leaving
tomorrow and you might not be leaving with me, I’m gonna go ahead and show you
now.”

He put his drink and his cell phone in the cup holders between
us and pulled his shirt up.

“Wait,” I stopped him, surprised, and not ready to see the
candy coated muscles beneath his clothes. “What are you doing?”

“I’m showing you I’m serious about us,” he said. “You know
how you got my name tattooed on your thigh?”

I nodded.

“Well… I decided to return the favor.”

He pulled his shirt up to reveal a fresh tattoo on his chest.

My mouth dropped open when I read it. Underneath the ointment
that covered it was a heart with my name written on the top, Jeremiah written
in the middle, and his name written on the bottom.

“Our son will always be in my heart,” he told me. “And you’ll
always be with me. That’s how much I love you.”

Before I could say anything he leaned over and kissed me. I
kissed him back, and tears came.

“What are you doing to me?” I asked him.

“Just loving you,” he answered. “The best way I know how.”

I dabbed at my eyes.

“I’m leaving at eight in the morning,” he told me as he got
out of the car. “You coming with me?”

I made my decision.

“Yeah. Come to the house and pick me up, and we’ll leave for
DU together.”

He smiled. “It’s gon’ be alright, baby,” he assured me, and
wiped the last tear that fell from my eye. “You know that, right?”

I nodded as I sniffled.

“’Cause if we ain’t got nothing else, we got each other.”

“Okay,” I said, and watched him walk back into the house.

**********

Daddy knocked on my bedroom door and came inside. “Can I come
in?” he asked.

I continued folding the pair of jeans that were in my hands
and put them in my suitcase.

“You’re already in, aren’t you?” I asked snidely.

“You going somewhere?”

“Back to school,” I informed. I ignored the concerned look on
his face and continued packing. “Not that you care or anything.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” The hurt was apparent in his
voice.

“Nothing,” I said, after pushing aside the way that I really
felt in order not to be disrespectful. “Look, I wasn’t trying to sneak out or
anything. I was gonna tell you and Mama at dinner tonight, I promise. But
Terrance made the basketball team at DU, and he’s leaving in the morning. And
I’m going with him.”

“What do you mean, you’re going with him?”

“I’m going back to school.”

I could see his blood pressure going up. I had never been so
rude and short with him before, and he didn’t like it. But he was trying his
best to remain calm.

“How are you going to pay for it?”

“I’ll get all of that straightened out once I get there.”

“Where are you gonna live? Room and board ain’t free, you
know.”