Captive (18 page)

Adelyn loving me at all is a beautiful thing, a gift. It's something I'll spend the rest of my life holding on to. When my world goes dark and I need something to cling to, it will be her love that will light my way.

It’s a shame I didn't realise my world would go dark sooner rather than later…It’s a pity I couldn’t experience the love I witnessed between them that day for myself.

Tourniquet - Evanessence

Three things happened that day. Three things that would be both the best, and worst of my most recent history. Three things that changed the path my life has taken. And even though it would take time for me to recover from one of them, a long time, they would each play a part in making my world whole for the first time ever.

Let me start by saying, I should never have gotten involved with Trig to begin with. He was too nice, too sweet, too kind to get involved with the likes of me; a sorry excuse for a human being. He should never have wanted to start any kind of relationship with someone as damaged as I am, but the fact he did only proves what a good man he is.

I'd known when we started sleeping together it was a monumentally bad decision, but at the time I had needed someone to hold me, to make me feel special, like a woman again. Having the hysterectomy made me feel like I'd lost my identity as a normal woman, and it wasn't only just about losing my ability to bear children, although that was a large part of it. It made me feel inferior, like I wasn't complete anymore. I know it's stupid, and a lot of women are probably calling me every name under the sun right now, but that doesn't stop the way I felt.

After a lot of talking with my OB-GYN, and hours and hours of therapy sessions, where my psychologist explained that I was no less a woman now than I was before, I actually started to believe them. I won't lie and say I truly deep down agreed one hundred percent, but I did have a good grasp on the fact that I am still the same person now as I was then, sans periods, and the ability to procreate that is. That was when Trig came along.

He came along in the form of a lover, not just a friend or shoulder to cry on, because up until then that's all he'd been. Trig had seen me at my worst, and not given the slightest care in the world I looked awful, hadn't showered in days, and probably smelled like a distillery. Trig picked me up, dumped me in the bath, and turned on the cold water. Cursing up a storm, and managing to splash him sufficiently enough that I felt somewhat vindicated, I switched the tap to hot, and went about cleansing myself of the hospital grime and stench of loss. That was only the beginning of the things he did to pull me out of the hole I was firmly entrenched in.

Don't get me wrong, Trig wasn't a magic cure-all, he didn't douse me in the cold water of that bath and miraculously I was all healed. It was slow going, and some days I felt like I was treading water, barely keeping my head afloat with the lack of progress. But it was those days Trig was the most supportive, the most persistent, and infinitely the most annoying. He was like a dog with a bone with one single desire; to help me. He never once gave up on me. Trig honestly believed I would get better, that I could get over the loss of another child, with time I would move past the horrible reality that I no longer had the ability to have children any more. And he stanchly believed I would get over the man I was and still am desperately in love with. Needless to say, I did not share his beliefs.

We fought more than we didn't. I called him names, threw him out of my house almost hourly, and I cried more on his broad shoulders than any woman should ever cry all over a man. I can't tell you exactly how we progressed to being more, and to tell you the truth I'd prefer not to try and remember. The fact is; we did, but that's well and truly over and done with now.

What I do remember is freaking out, slapping him squarely across the face the first time he ever kissed me. It came as a complete shock, and I reacted before thinking. I felt horrible after hitting him, it wasn’t something I ever did it wasn’t like me, but Trig laughed it off saying it was fine, that he was fine. I could see the hurt in his eyes though, and some small part of me wanted to ease his pain. I wanted to do for him what he had done for me through his patience and persistence. I wasn’t sure how to do that, and I’m sure if I’d thought on it for longer I would have come to the conclusion that anything but what I did would have been better. But again, I didn’t think first, and that’s another regret I’m going to have to live with.

One thing led to another, and Trig ended up making love to me that night. Don’t ask me how, or why I went that route because God only knows. All I know is that he’s the first, and only lover I've had since Reaper, and even though he was gentle, sweet, and caring, I still felt dirty. I never told him that, and I'd never get the chance. Not that I'd ever want to hurt him like that, but it didn't stop me from feeling like I was doing something wrong every time we made love after that either.

Why did I keep doing it if it made me feel like that? Simple. I wanted, no, I needed to. The closeness you have with someone when your body is connected to anothers. I needed the intimacy you got when you were with a man. I needed to feel like I was still a woman. That I was alive, and I could still function properly in all the ways a normal woman could.

It made me a horrible person, using Trig, because let’s be honest that's what I was doing; using him. But it didn't stop me from allowing it to happen over and over again. Every time we had sex, made love, fucked, whatever you want to call it, I could feel a little more of my humanity slipping away from me. I hated myself, and a small part of me hated him for not picking up on what I was doing, but at that point, I was held captive by the desperation clawing at me. The need to have someone, anyone in my life when I couldn't have the one I truly wanted.

The only conversation we had about our relationship went a little like this.

I knew Trig was sitting at the kitchen table watching me. It was something he did often, like he was trying to work me out, like I was a puzzle he could piece together. Startling me as I was putting the dishes I’d just washed away he asked,

“Are you happy with me, Adelyn? I mean, honestly happy?”

I shouldn’t have had to think about it. I should have been able to answer instantly like I knew he could. Trig is patient, easy going, sweet, and truly cares about me. It should have been a no-brainer, but I needed a minute to assess how I was feeling.

“Yes, I think so. Why do you ask?”

I was happy with Trig. He made it easy for me to crack a smile, laugh at one of his corny jokes. He didn’t pressure me, or make me confront things I simply wasn’t ready to face. All-in-all Trig was the only thing making me happy at the moment. With a sad smile he locked his eyes with mine.

“Cause you’re still so distant sometimes, baby. You know what I want, and that’s you in my bed, in my life, and on the back of my bike, but I’ve got no idea most days what it is you want. I can guess that we’re going good, that you’re happy with me, but like anyone I need the words, Adelyn. Not all the time, but sometimes would be nice.”

He’s right of course. I should’ve known that like anyone Trig would need some kind of reassurance from me that wasn’t only physical. That he’d need the words to go with my actions.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were worried I wasn’t happy. I am though, with you, I mean. I am happy you’re with me, Trig.” And it’s true I was. For the most part anyway.

With a crooked grin he pulled me into his lap, and went about showing me how happy he was to be with me. His method left no room for misunderstanding either. Trig took his time kissing every inch of my skin, running his hands over my curves, and licking every part of me his tongue could reach. It was both beautiful, and heartbreaking at the same time. His devotion to me was evident with every caress and it pained me not to be able to offer him the same.

After that day we never spoke of my, or his happiness again, and we fell into a routine. One that was familiar and soothing, as well as being confusing and soul shattering. Sometimes I wished he would leave me. That he would see I didn't want him getting closer to me, or trying to break down my walls, but he never picked up on the distance I tried to create. And if he did, he didn't take the hint. I figured it was the latter. Trig wasn’t one to give up on anything he wanted, and I was what he wanted, he’d made that clear.

Trig would bring dinner over most nights, four or five nights a week to be precise. After eating we'd watch TV, or a movie, and end up making love, with him more often than not spending the night afterwards. I hate to say there was a worst part, but there was, and it was him sleeping over that made me hate myself more than anything else.

I didn't want him to stay, more than that, I loathed when he did. It wasn't just about me liking my personal space, not just from him but from everyone in general, I also needed the time after to try and gather the fractured pieces of my heart, and try to put them back together again. It would have been kinder for me to disappear I thought, and honestly I considered it many times, the only thing stopping me was a conversation I had with Marlene one day. A conversation I’ve never forgotten, and probably never will. It changed how I looked at things that’s for sure.

About a week before Trig proposed to me, Marlene unexpectedly showed up at my front door. After letting her in, and to be truthful the only reason I did was because she came bearing coffee, she took a seat on my couch and looked at me pointedly.

"Sit down lovely, I think it's time you and I had a little chat."

I had no idea what we would have to chat about, but I did as she asked. We weren’t close, but we were friends, or at least that’s what I would categorise us as.

"Is everything okay, Marlene?"

We hadn't seen each other in months, and her being here left me feeling uneasy for some reason. She didn't keep me waiting, or wondering for long, nor did I think she would. Marlene is the straightest shooter I know, and that includes the men from Vengeance MC that I’ve learnt are blunt to the point of being ruthless.

"I hear there've been some big changes for you, girly. New man, feelings around town about you are taking a turn for the better, the club's come around where you're concerned too; all good things. What I'm not getting is why you've barely shown your face around for months."

It's not a question, more of a statement, and I've got no idea how to answer her. It’s not untrue, what she’s saying. The club has become more welcoming, and not only because I’ve been spending time with Trig. They started coming around while I was in the hospital, and since then have been trying to involve me where they can. I’m not sure about their intentions, or why they’ve had a change of heart, and I’m still wary around them, but it’s nice not having to worry about the awful things they might say when I see them.

"Um..."

"What happened, it was horrible lovely, just awful, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer sweetheart. No woman should have to go through something like that. And I get that what Reaper did was worse, but you've got to move on, Ade. It's time. It's probably been time for longer than you want to admit."

She's right, it is time to move on, I know that, and I’ve known it for months, but that doesn't make me feel any more comfortable about abandoning my dreams. The one's I have late at night when I know Trig is sleeping. The one's I would never share with another soul. Dreams that won’t come true, but for some reason my heart doesn’t want to release its hold on, so with that in mind I answer Marlene the only way I can.

"I know."

With a look of sympathy Marlene sighs,

"I had a man once too, one I thought the sun rose and set with, but it wasn't meant to be. And the issues we had don't even come remotely close to the one's you've had to wade through. That said, I had to let go of him just the same as you have to let go of Reaper. Sometimes we can't have the one our heart yearns for, lovely. Sometimes we've got to take the one we're blessed enough to be gifted with."

And she’s right, again. No matter how I looked at it, Trig was a gift. He swooped in and saved me from myself when I needed him most, and I wouldn't undermine that by pining for a man I couldn't have, whether it was ultimately his decision or not, it had become my choice. It was time to let go of the past, and all the things that would never be.

I didn’t know how to tell Trig any of what Marlene talked to me about that day without upsetting him, so I didn't say anything at all. I didn’t even tell him she’d been there. What I did do was let him wrap me in his arms at night waiting until he drifted off to sleep before disentangling myself from him, and going to sleep on the couch in the living room.

I did it silently, I did it respectfully, but it was the only way I knew how to get the space I craved without having to explain why I needed it. Knowing that I was giving him something he needed, which was to fall asleep with me, was enough to satisfy a small part of the inequality in our relationship. That was something I did have in me to give, so I gave it freely.