Zombie Bums from Uranus (23 page)

What if she was right?

What if his parents
didn't
know what to do?

What if they had already been zombie-bummified
on Uranus and had returned not to save the world, but to help destroy it?

Zack watched as the light became brighter and brighter until, finally, the smoke cleared and the true cause of the incredible luminescence emerged.

Zack drew in his breath sharply.

It wasn't his parents.

It wasn't even his zombie-bummified parents.

It was worse.

It was the Great White Bum!

Zack was stunned.

It
couldn't
be the Great White Bum.

It certainly didn't
smell
like the Great White Bum.

‘I thought you said the Great White Bum was dead,' said Gran, frowning. ‘It doesn't look too dead to me.'

‘It was dead!' said Zack. ‘I scored a direct hit with a bum-harpoon and then bumcano-blasted it into outer space!'

‘It's true,' said Eleanor. ‘I saw it.'

‘Yes,' said the Forker. ‘But did he
kill
it?'

‘I
thought
I killed it,' said Zack. ‘Well, as good as, anyway.'

‘Not good enough, apparently,' said the Flicker.

‘No,' said Zack. ‘I guess the Kicker was right about me after all. I can't even kill a bums-eyed bumcano-blasted bum!'

At that moment the enormous bum guffawed,
assailing the bum-fighters with the nauseating odour of its breath.

Zack gagged.

There was no mistaking that stale nostril-scorching stench.

It was the Great White Bum all right.

‘Don't feel so bad, Zack,' said the enormous bum. ‘You just forgot who you were dealing with. I AM the Great White Bum after all . . . indestructible AND immortal.'

‘Oh, Master!' said a voice from behind Zack. ‘Oh Great and Glorious White Bum from the sky, you are very welcome!'

‘Yes,' echoed Maurice. ‘Very,
very
welcome!'

Zack turned to see the Prince and Maurice bowing and scraping the ground in front of them as they approached.

‘Where are the zombie bums?' bellowed the Great White Bum.

‘They have all been eaten by the mutant maggots,' said the Prince, pointing to the writhing masses around the park's edge. ‘The planet is safe and ready for you to take over, thanks to us, your humble and faithful servants.'

The Great White Bum glowed white with rage.

‘FOOLS!' it said, picking them both up by their legs, clonking them hard together and then hurling their limp bodies across the park towards the mutant zombie maggots. There was a brief frenzy amongst the mutant zombie maggots and the Prince and Maurice disappeared.

Zack shuddered. Although he had no great affection
for either of them, he didn't think they deserved a fate like that. The Prince and Maurice were just a couple of harmless buffoons. On the other hand, the Great White Bum was an evil mastermind intent on total bumination of the univarse. He really
did
deserve it.

‘Well, Zack,' said the Great White Bum turning its attention back to him. ‘It
is
a small univarse, isn't it! You know, I was just talking to your parents about you . . .'

‘Yeah, right,' said Zack.

‘No, it's true,' said the Great White Bum. ‘I met them on Uranus.'

‘Language!' said Gran.

‘I meant the planet!' said the Great White Bum.

‘It's not possible,' said Zack.

‘Of course I meant the planet,' said the Great White Bum. ‘What else could I have meant?'

‘I'm not talking about that,' said Zack. ‘I mean it's not possible that you could have met my parents on Uranus.'

‘Language!' said Gran.

‘I meant the planet,' said Zack.

‘Oh yes,' said the Great White Bum. ‘After you blew me out of the bumcano I was in a bad way. I flew through space, bleeding, on fire, missing the skin from one cheek and landed on Uranus.'

‘Language!' said Gran.

‘I meant the planet,' said the Great White Bum. ‘Well, what's left of it. You see, there was a lot of methane and I was on fire and there was a rather large—and smelly—explosion.'

‘So that's how the zombie bums reanimated and became zombies!' said Eleanor.

‘Yes,' continued the Great White Bum. ‘Unfortunately I ended up stuck down a very deep hole. But your parents, Zack, were kind enough to wake me up. And then your mother went and spoiled her good deed by throwing a perfume bomb at me. They were such a nice couple. It was almost a shame I had to kill them.'

‘You what?' said Zack, shocked.

‘You heard,' said the Great White Bum. ‘It was nothing personal, you understand. Purely business. YOU—on the other hand—you I will kill for pleasure.'

‘Not if I can help it,' said Gran.

‘Silence, you ridiculous old hag!' shouted the Great White Bum, turning its attention to her. ‘Don't I know you from somewhere?'

‘Unfortunately, yes,' said Gran. ‘Siberia, remember? We tarred and feathered you and ran you out of town.'

‘Oh, yes,' said the Great White Bum. ‘I remember. I still bear the scars. It wasn't very friendly of you.'

‘I'm not a very friendly old woman,' Gran said. ‘Now prepare to die!'

‘Why?' said the Great White Bum. ‘Who's going to kill me?'

‘Me!' said Gran.

‘Oh really?' said the Great White Bum. ‘You and whose army?'

Gran stepped forward. ‘My army,' she said. ‘Mabel's Angels!'

The Forker and the Flicker stepped up next to her
and all three of them snapped into action like a lethal, well-oiled bum-fighting machine.

Unfortunately, however, Mabel's Angels were unable to land a single fork, pinch or towel-flick before the Great White Bum blasted three deadly accurate bursts of gas at them. The bum-fighters fell to the ground in an unconscious heap.

Eleanor shook her head.

‘Well,' said Zack's bum. ‘I'm certainly glad they're here—otherwise we'd be in
real
trouble.'

Zack looked at Gran—and her Angels—helpless on the ground beside the Great White Bum's crater. He couldn't tell if they were dead or just gassed, but they weren't moving and their tongues were hanging out of their mouths. It didn't look good.

Zack looked at the Great White Bum.

He felt himself trembling with anger.

He couldn't hold back any longer.

It was time to act.

Time to finish the job he'd started back in the bumcano.

But he'd have to be careful.

The Great White Bum was strong.

Zack knew that.

He was also painfully aware that every time he tried to do something he usually ended up making the situation worse than if he'd done nothing at all. In fact, he was beginning to think that the most effective and powerful course of action he could possibly take was exactly that: to do nothing at all.

So, unable to hold back any longer, he did exactly that.

Nothing.

At all.

Eleanor, however, had other ideas.

‘Murderer!' she screamed, and flew through the air in the classic double-footed, double-handed kick-slap attack position.

‘Bum-hater!' said the Great White Bum, slapping her to the ground.

Zack watched, terrified, as the Great White Bum climbed out of the crater and lumbered towards the four limp bodies.

‘I'm so tired,' said the Great White Bum, yawning and lowering itself down over the top of them all. ‘And it's been such a long trip. I think I'll have a little sit-down!'

Zack gasped.

He realised that his decision to do nothing at all couldn't possibly be any worse than doing something. Anything!

‘No!' he yelled, getting to his feet and charging forward.

‘Zack!' yelled his bum. ‘Don't do anything stupid.'

But it was too late.

Zack stood directly in front of the Great White Bum. ‘Get away from them,' he demanded.

‘Mind your own business,' said the Great White Bum.

‘They are my business,' said Zack. ‘And so are you. I killed you once and I'll kill you again!'

‘Correction!' said the Great White Bum. ‘You
almost
killed me once. And that was with the help of a bum-harpoon. What are you going to do without that? Bore me to death?'

Zack stopped and thought.

Or at least he
tried
to think.

The smell of his mother's perfume bomb was overwhelming and made it very difficult to think about anything at all.

Then Zack remembered.

He had something greater than Silas Sterne's bum-harpoon. And something even more powerful than his mother's perfume.

Tomato sauce!

He took the bottle from his belt, knelt down and pointed it at the Great White Bum. The perfume bomb would be no protection against the mutant zombie maggots once Zack had neutralised the perfume with tomato sauce. The Great White Bum was about to become mutant zombie maggot food.

And by the way it had begun to tremble, Zack could see that the Great White Bum knew it too.

‘I wouldn't do that if I were you,' it said.

‘And why not?' asked Zack.

‘Because the moment you squirt me,' said the Great White Bum, ‘not only will I lose the protection of your mother's perfume bomb, but so will you.'

Even though Zack was no stranger to sacrificing his life, he hesitated. He'd almost died once before and he hadn't much enjoyed the experience. His mind flashed back to the bumcano. The death stink. The match. The gas. The explosion . . .

‘What are you waiting for, Zack?' yelled Eleanor,
who had revived sufficiently to be aware of what was happening. ‘Squirt!'

‘Don't be a fool!' said the Great White Bum.

Zack thought hard. Well, as hard as it was possible to think when you could hardly think. In fact he didn't think at all. He remembered.

His mother.

His father.

His gran.

The Forker.

The Flicker.

Eleanor's mother.

Eleanor's father.

The Smacker.

The Kicker.

The Kisser.

The Prince and Maurice.

Even Uranus (the planet).

How many more had to die?

When would the squashings and gassings and ‘rather large explosions' stop?

Zack tightened his grip on the squeezy-bottle.

He might have failed to save the world from the mutant zombie maggots, but he could at least save the world, once and for all, from the threat of the Great White Bum.

He closed his eyes and pressed hard on the squeezy-bottle.

But nothing happened.

He pressed it again.

This time the bottle made a farty sound.

Empty!

Zack realised with a shock that he'd used every last drop of tomato sauce on preparing the zombie bums for the mutant maggot feast.

The Great White Bum laughed.

Zack was now completely helpless.

‘Time to die, tomato-sauce boy,' hissed the Great White Bum.

‘Over my dead body!' yelled Gran.

‘What are you doing still alive?' said the Great White Bum, clearly surprised. ‘I thought I gassed you!'

Gran smiled. ‘When you've breathed as much methane as I have,' she said, ‘a little bit more doesn't make a whole lot of difference.'

She circled the Great White Bum as she spoke, her fingers in pincer formation, snapping menacingly at its thin white legs.

The Great White Bum laughed, emitting great gusts of methane.

Gran, however, continued undaunted. She managed to land a pinch on the Great White Bum's left knee.

‘Go, Gran!' yelled Zack's bum.

The Great White Bum howled and jerked its leg out involuntarily, sending Gran flying into the middle of the mutant zombie maggots.

Zack drew his breath in sharply.

His gran was surrounded by mutant zombie maggots, all about to strike.

He could hardly watch.