Zombie Bums from Uranus (21 page)

‘I don't understand,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘They are not usually fussy eaters. But perhaps even a mutant maggot will not stoop so low as to eat a zombie bum from Uranus.'

‘Language,' said Gran.

‘I meant the planet,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord.

‘You mutant!' screamed Eleanor.

‘I'm sorry,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord sadly. ‘It seems that I have led you here under false pretences. My mutant maggot army cannot save the world after all.'

Zack was dumbstruck.

The words ‘cannot save the world' echoed in his brain.

And then it hit him.

Of course the mutant maggot army couldn't save the world.

There was only one thing that could do that. The Blind Bum-feeler had made that perfectly clear.

Eleanor moved towards the Mutant Maggot Lord, her face contorted with rage. ‘I KNEW it!' she snarled as she advanced on him with her hands in full smacking position.

‘NO!' yelled Zack. ‘It's not his fault!'

Eleanor glared at Zack. ‘EVERYTHING'S his fault!' she said.

‘Not the fact that maggots won't eat zombie bums from Uranus, though,' said Zack, drawing his bottle of tomato sauce from his belt. ‘At least, not without tomato sauce!'

Holding the bottle in both hands, Zack pointed it at the zombie bums and squeezed as hard as he could. Tomato sauce flew across the Maggotorium and splattered against a number of the zombie bums in the front row.

The effect was as quick as it was terrifying.

Invigorated by the intoxicating smell of freshly squeezed tomato sauce, the mutant maggots struck.

They surged forward, tearing and chomping the tomato sauce–covered zombie bums to shreds.

Zack squeezed the tomato sauce bottle again and again until there was no more tomato sauce left to squeeze.

But it didn't matter.

The mutant maggots had worked themselves
into such a frenzy that every last zombie bum was finally devoured, whether it had tomato sauce on it or not.

The Maggotorium grew quiet as the mutant maggots retreated into the gloom to digest their meal.

‘It's over,' said Zack. ‘We did it!'

‘No,' said Eleanor. ‘You did it, Zack. You saved the world with tomato sauce!'

‘I helped to save the world too, you know,' said Zack's bum. ‘I did the hokey pokey.'

‘Yes,' smiled Eleanor. ‘Zack and you.'

‘Thanks, Eleanor,' said Zack, ‘but I think the real credit has to go to the mutant maggots. I mean, they had to
eat
the zombie bums.'

‘Yes, that's true,' said the Forker. ‘But if I hadn't had the idea of doing the dance then you couldn't have led the zombie bums to the Maggotorium and the maggots wouldn't have been able to eat them.'

‘If anyone deserves credit,' said the Prince, ‘it's our master, the Mutant Maggot Lord. Without him, none of this would have been possible, would it, Maurice?'

‘No, your highness,' said Maurice, putting a bum-trumpet to his mouth and blowing a long impressive note. ‘All hail the Mutant Maggot Lord!'

The Mutant Maggot Lord dragged himself forward.

‘Thank you,' he said. ‘But the feast is not over yet.'

Zack's stomach dropped as he tried to make sense of the Mutant Maggot Lord's words. ‘You mean . . .'

‘Yes,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord in a cold voice. ‘That's exactly what I mean.'

‘Well, well,' said Eleanor, shaking her head in disgust. ‘What a surprise! Still the same old dirty double-crossing Kisser.'

‘You are a clever girl,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘But perhaps not quite as clever as you think. Don't blame yourself, though. After all, I am a
very
charming man.'

‘Wrong,' said Eleanor. ‘You
were
a very charming man. Now you're nothing but a sad mutant in a filthy sack.'

‘Maybe,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord, ‘but soon you will be nothing but a munched-up morsel in a mutant maggot's belly. I, on the other hand, will rule the world.'

‘And just how do you propose to do that?' guffawed the Forker.

‘With my mutant maggot army, of course,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘The zombie bums were an unexpected interruption to my plans, but now that you have helped me to eliminate them, there is nothing to stop us! Nothing!'

‘Except for the fact that your mutant maggots are too helpless to leave the Maggotorium,' the Flicker said.

‘They won't be mutant maggots for much longer,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘Thanks to the nutritious feast you have just provided, they will soon be giant mutant blowflies. Squadrons of them—all under my command. But first, a little farewell supper.'

‘Aren't you forgetting something?' said Eleanor.
‘We're alive, and your mutant maggots don't eat
live
flesh.'

‘That can easily be remedied!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord.

As the Mutant Maggot Lord spoke, however, Zack began to notice through the gloom that the mutant maggots behind the Mutant Maggot Lord were not well.

They were twisting.

Writhing.

Convulsing.

Dying.

‘I don't think your maggots will be eating anybody,' said Zack.

‘What are you talking about?' said the Mutant Maggot Lord.

‘Turn around and see for yourself,' said Zack.

The Mutant Maggot Lord dragged himself around.

‘NO!' he cried. ‘NO!!!'

As the Mutant Maggot Lord pulled himself into their midst, the mutant maggots that were still alive threw themselves at him, temporarily blocking him from view. When they finally settled, Zack saw the Mutant Maggot Lord was sitting in the middle of the dying maggots, cradling one of them in his violently deformed arms. Well, at least Zack
thought
it was the Mutant Maggot Lord. His shroud had fallen from his head. Well, at least Zack
thought
it was his head. It seemed more like a blob of molten plastic, featureless except for a single sagging eye and a drooping mouth. Well, at least, Zack
thought
it was an eye and a mouth . . .

Zack stared at the figure.

‘It's horrible,' said Eleanor, grasping Zack's arm. ‘What is it?'

‘It's the Mutant Maggot Lord's head,' said Zack, finding his voice. ‘Well, at least I
think
it's the Mutant Maggot Lord's head . . .'

They watched as the Mutant Maggot Lord stroked the dead maggots.

And wept. Great heaving sobs.

Zack felt tears come into his own eyes. It was hard not to be moved by his grief.

Before long, all of the mutant maggots stopped moving. Zack, overcoming his revulsion, approached the Mutant Maggot Lord.

‘It's over,' said Zack. ‘There's nothing more you can do for them.'

‘I can at least be with them!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord.

‘But they're dead,' said Zack.

‘And it's all my fault!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord.

‘No, it was the zombie bums,' said Zack, reaching out towards the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘
They
killed your maggots.'

‘But my mutant maggots trusted me!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord, pushing Zack's hand away. ‘My beautiful babies trusted me and I led them to their doom.'

‘
Fed
them to their doom, you mean,' said Zack's bum.

Zack nudged it. ‘Shush,' he said.

‘We trusted you too,' said Eleanor. ‘But you were prepared to do the same to us.'

The Mutant Maggot Lord looked at Eleanor with tears streaming from his eye.

‘You are right,' he whispered. ‘I am beneath contempt. I can hardly expect you to believe me when I say I am sorry, but I am. I truly am. For everything.'

Zack could tell by Eleanor's silence that this time she did believe him.

‘Come on,' said Zack, stepping forward to pick up the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘Come with us.'

‘Leave me!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘I need to be alone!'

Eleanor turned to Zack.

She nodded.

He shrugged. Zack realised there was nothing more they could do.

They turned and walked slowly through the dying maggots back towards the ladder where the Forker, the Flicker and Gran were waiting.

Suddenly they heard a shout behind them.

‘IT'S ALIVE!' cried the Mutant Maggot Lord.

Eleanor, Zack and his bum turned to see an incredible sight. The Mutant Maggot Lord was excitedly hugging the maggot that only moments ago had been lying limp in his arms. ‘YOU'RE ALIVE!' he said, showering it with kisses. ‘YOU'RE ALIVE!'

But as they watched the Mutant Maggot Lord happily cradling the revived mutant maggot, Zack noticed another mutant maggot rise up behind him.

‘Watch out!' yelled Zack.

But it was too late.

Before the Maggot Lord realised what was happening, the mutant maggot had struck. It had bitten
his arm clean off. Well, at least Zack
thought
it was his arm . . .

Zack couldn't believe what he'd just seen.

Mutant maggots weren't supposed to eat living flesh.

Something was wrong.

Very
wrong.

Something was as very wrong as it was possible for something very wrong to be.

‘Behave yourself!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord, chiding his mutant maggots as if they'd simply scratched him. ‘Don't you remember who I am? I am your Lord! You love me! And I love you!'

But even as the Mutant Maggot Lord spoke, Zack saw the mutant maggot that he was cradling lift its ugly white head and remove his remaining arm—well, at least Zack
thought
it was his remaining arm—with a sickening crunch.

‘Can we go home now?' said Zack's bum, as all the mutant maggots began to come alive. ‘I don't think I like this game anymore!'

‘Best idea I've heard all day,' said Gran.

‘Don't be silly!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘There's nothing to be afraid of. They're my babies!'

‘Not anymore they're not,' said Eleanor. ‘They've been zombie-bummified . . . from the inside!'

‘Oh no!' said the Flicker. ‘Not zombie mutant maggots!'

‘Not exactly,' said Eleanor. ‘I believe the technical term is “mutant zombie maggots”!'

‘Oh no!' said the Forker. ‘Not mutant zombie maggots!'

‘Yes,' said Eleanor. ‘Exactly!'

‘No,' said the Mutant Zombie Maggot Lord. ‘You've got it all wrong. They're just agitated.'

‘Gee,' said Zack, narrowly dodging the slavering jaws of a mutant zombie maggot. ‘I'd hate to see them when they're
really
upset!'

‘We're getting out of here,' said Eleanor, as the mutant zombie maggots began to close in around them. ‘Come on.'

‘What about me?' said the Mutant Zombie Maggot Lord.

‘What about you?' said Eleanor. ‘You're a coward and a murderer. Find your own way out.'

‘But I haven't got any legs!' said the Mutant Zombie Maggot Lord. ‘Or arms!'

‘Why don't you get the Prince and Maurice to help you?' said Eleanor. ‘Or have your little friends abandoned you?'

Zack looked around. He couldn't see them anywhere. The Mutant Zombie Maggot Lord was silent.

‘Eleanor,' said Zack, ‘we have to help him. He might be a Mutant Zombie Maggot Lord, but he's still a human being—or at least, he was.'

‘That's a matter of opinion,' said Eleanor, delivering a double-handed powersmack to a mutant zombie maggot that was getting too close to her.

‘Well I'm going back for him,' said Zack.

‘No, Zack!' said his bum.

‘I have to,' said Zack.

Zack smacked and kicked his way through the gradually reviving mutant zombie maggots back to where the Mutant Zombie Maggot Lord—or
what remained of him—was lying in a pool of blood, shivering.

Zack picked him up and slung him over his shoulder. He couldn't believe how light he was.

Zack turned to leave, but at that moment a particularly large and ugly mutant zombie maggot blocked his path.

Zack tried to kick it.

Zack tried to smack it.

Zack tried to pinch it.

He even tried the hokey pokey.

But nothing worked.

Not only had the mutant zombie maggots acquired the zombie bums' resistance to pain, but having no arms or legs gave them natural immunity to the power of the hokey pokey as well.

The mutant zombie maggot opened its mouth wide.

Zack looked up to see an enormous black cavern above him.

He closed his eyes. This was going to be worse than any death he had experienced in the bum-fighting simulator.

Well, there were perhaps worse deaths, but this one was real.

Suddenly there was a sharp crack, followed by a massive explosion.

Zack opened his eyes. The Flicker was standing a few metres behind where the mutant zombie maggot had been, towel in hand.

‘Gotcha!' said the Flicker.